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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is my chosen void and I have come to scream

117 replies

meaninglesslife · 14/10/2019 11:37

Like it says - not expecting any response, but really really need to scream somewhere

H of 20+ years is in the process of moving out. Part of me still thinks this is one giant bluff and I am supposed to beg him not to go, but I am not taking that (or any other) bait.

Last night, he decided that the evening after DD’s birthday outing would be an ideal time to get blind drunk (he could barely stand) and tell DD that “your mother takes drugs to get through the day” complete with elaborate mime of sniffing drugs. I am on low dose antidepressants and have been for a while. He is an alcoholic but will not acknowledge it. He then went on to threaten me with a leather belt and hold on to my ponytail when I tried to walk away (both out of sight and hopefully sound of DC) before crashing around the house for a while and finally passing out on bathroom floor.

I am a loss as to how to protect (teenage) DC from the worst of this. Alcohol is absolutely at the root of most of the problems and they are unfortunately all too aware of that already.

Anyway. As I said. Screaming into convenient void, as I have no one to talk to in RL.

OP posts:
Original poster
meaninglesslife · 15/10/2019 03:42

Nothing that dramatic happened tonight TBH. He was spouting the usual abuse, grabbed me by the hair again, I told him to back off or I would call the police. He laughed in my face and said I wouldn’t, so after due warning, I did, mostly because I was scared what would happen if he was sure he had proved that I wouldn’t.

DD is away tonight and thanks to tiptoeing policemen DS slept through the whole thing. So I have all that to deal with in the morning.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 15/10/2019 03:45

Urm. I would gently say, it's getting very serious. You are being provoked.

Your partner has NPD. Leave him. Its escalating. And quickly too.

What do you want to do.?

I strongly suggest you leave him.

75Renarde · 15/10/2019 03:46

Spitting the usual abuse?

Lovely, you know this isnt right. I'm so sorry.

Please grab the courage I know you have and leave him. You can do it.

Windygate · 15/10/2019 04:41

I'm sorry things escalated so quickly. You need to protect DC and yourself. Ring Women's Aid first thing and get support in RL from friends and family.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 15/10/2019 05:18

Anyone married to that man should take anti-depressants.

Thanks OP.

I hope that bastard leaves for good and you can get on with a better life

LuvMyBubbles · 15/10/2019 05:25

How are you going today OP?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/10/2019 08:11

I did exactly the same with my, now ex, husband. The police were amazing and my 'd'h never stepped back into the house again. A night in the cells was enough to make him think twice before ever getting physically abusive again. We're divorced now and civil. But calling the police was the best think I could have ever done and did give me the moral high ground to call some of the shots around the dc etc.

pointythings · 15/10/2019 08:15

Don't let him back. Call Women's Aid. Get the ball rolling on an occupation order. Start divorce proceedings. Free yourself and your children.

Deep breaths, you did the right thing. Been there, know how hard it is, but believe that you did what you had to do.

Fannybaws52 · 15/10/2019 08:39

Maybe it's time to stop shielding him. Tell your DC that their Dad has a disease and that it has escalated to the point he hurt their Mum and he can't come home.

They already know hes an alcoholic but none of you are facing it head on and getting it out in the open. Have a sit down and talk about it.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 08:56

Well done OP.
You took charge.
If a stranger treated you like your DH, you would report it.
I'm so glad you did.
Now stand by your convictions.
He's not allowed back in the house.
You are at risk.
Who knows how this will escalate now!?
Don't take any chances. Ensure the police do not bring him back.
Make it very clear to the Police that this is not the first time and it's escalating and you have DC in the house and you cannot have him back there. They should support you with that with DC there.

Big well done again OP. That took some serious balls.
This is the beginning of you claiming your life back.
Now keep going and keep strong.
Huge (((((HUGS)))))

raspberryk · 15/10/2019 08:58

So glad you called the police, please never let him back in, get that occupation order and see a solicitor as a priority.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2019 09:34

I told him to back off or I would call the police. He laughed in my face and said I wouldn’t, so after due warning, I did, mostly because I was scared what would happen if he was sure he had proved that I wouldn’t.

Oh goodness. I am so sorry that happened, but I am very very proud you called the police.

As others say, he cannot come back. He can stay elsewhere until "official" moving day.

Get advice from Women's Aid. He is unpredictable and violent and you are at a vulnerable time.

Talk to RL people too, please. Even if it feels uncomfortable to do it, yu must. I guarantee no one who cares about you wants you to keep this secret, even if it means they worry about you.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 15/10/2019 10:02

Thanks, all.

For better or worse, my body’s reaction to extreme stress is to sleep, so just woke up and called my lovely boss to tell him I needed some time. Now I have to tell DS.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 10:20

Do it gently.
He has lived this as well and he will understand.
I'm glad you can sleep OP. That's a big plus in these situations.
Do some practical stuff today if you feel up to it.
If not then just chill and take each hour at a time.
It's a lot you are going through so look after yourself.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/10/2019 10:53

Be kind to yourself. It sounds as though you are assuming a lot of blame for all this, but it is not your fault that your DH is an alcoholic (even if he can go days without a drink, that doesn't change the fact), it's not your fault that he is abusive and it's not your fault that you have to split up.

None of this is your doing. You are simply reacting in the best, and most sensible way to protect yourself and your children.

Original poster
meaninglesslife · 15/10/2019 12:17

Right now, it feels like I have massively overreacted and all the consequences are therefore on me.

Poor DS has just gone quiet, and I will still need to tell DD when she gets home tonight.

Maybe I will gain the perspective of other posters over time, but for the moment it does feel like my fault, and I wish I hadn’t called.

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/10/2019 12:21

This will pass. Stick with it all and keep it all together until he’s gone.

Perhaps he can go sooner with police “encouragement”

This is the beginning of the rest of your life, not the end. You will recover, your kids will recover and blossom.

Keep the faith love and scream here as often as you need to.

HelenUrth · 15/10/2019 12:28

"Right now, it feels like I have massively overreacted"

If you went on a first date with someone who spouted abuse and grabbed you by the hair, would you stay with them?

This man has conditioned you over time to think that the horrendous way he treats you is acceptable and what you deserve. THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

Try to understand he has trained you to think this way. No human being should treat someone else like this, and particularly a man should not treat his wife/partner and the mother of his children this way.
So you may feel you have overreacted, but you haven't. At all.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2019 12:29

Do you think the police overreacted by taking him in to spend the night locked up for your safety and his own?

8BumbleBee8 · 15/10/2019 12:32

That's what happens when you have clueless individuals telling you that he is the father and should be in the children's lives. Hearing things like that can make you stay with abusive men "for the sake of the children".

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2019 12:33

I would also say that if you love him still, OP, then you NEED to let this be his rock bottom.

He’ll never address his issues if he doesn’t suffer the negative consequences.

He needs this to be a pivotal moment just as much as you and your DC do. Whether he takes that next step you cannot control but you can remain strong in keeping him away now to make sure it doesn’t “go back to normal”.

Flowers
hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 12:36

So him shouting at you - him calling you names - him being physically aggressive and assaulting you is YOUR FAULT!?
Him being an alcoholic who cannot control his temper is YOUR FAULT???
Wow OP - you have this all arse about face and you know it.
Stop minimising. Stop excusing his behaviour.
That could have seriously escalated.
You did exactly the right thing.
Never ever doubt yourself.
You've enabled his vile behaviour for far too long.
You've allowed your DC to be abused as well.
Your DC deserve a hassle free home life. An environment where they feel safe - you do too!
Don't allow his manipulation and past abuse to cloud your judgement now!
You've finally taken a stand.

Pat yourself on the back and stay strong.

Span1elsRock · 15/10/2019 13:49

You did the right thing.

He needs to learn there are consequences to his behaviour.

Flowers
Original poster
meaninglesslife · 15/10/2019 17:15

That did make me smile - it makes him sound like a toddler which, actually, is not far off the mark sometimes. Without the cuteness.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 16/10/2019 07:04

meaninglesslife just wanted to say well done, you definitely did the right thing. Getting to the point of calling the police sounds so much like my story.

I called after a warning that if he touched me again, I would phone. His final assault was just one kick compared to more serious assaults previously.

Right now, it feels like I have massively overreacted

Keep in mind that you were being subjected to increasing physical and verbal abuse. Even within a day of your OP it had escalated. You and your DC's deserve to live a life without verbal and physical abuse. I remember during the first few days having so many emotions but I held onto the feeling of safety, security and peace that he wasn't there and the overwhelming relief of not walking on eggshells.

Good luck, stay strong and please don't take him back