This is my chosen void and I have come to scream

[meaninglesslife]

Like it says - not expecting any response, but really really need to scream somewhere

H of 20+ years is in the process of moving out. Part of me still thinks this is one giant bluff and I am supposed to beg him not to go, but I am not taking that (or any other) bait.

Last night, he decided that the evening after DD’s birthday outing would be an ideal time to get blind drunk (he could barely stand) and tell DD that “your mother takes drugs to get through the day” complete with elaborate mime of sniffing drugs. I am on low dose antidepressants and have been for a while. He is an alcoholic but will not acknowledge it. He then went on to threaten me with a leather belt and hold on to my ponytail when I tried to walk away (both out of sight and hopefully sound of DC) before crashing around the house for a while and finally passing out on bathroom floor.

I am a loss as to how to protect (teenage) DC from the worst of this. Alcohol is absolutely at the root of most of the problems and they are unfortunately all too aware of that already.

Anyway. As I said. Screaming into convenient void, as I have no one to talk to in RL.

I don’t know how much he remembers.

He never says sorry. About anything.

Kids don’t know all the facts. Kids that are actually abused don’t want their parents to split up, like you, they want a solution that doesn’t exist (the person not to be an alcoholic or abusive), but as their stable parent YOU have to do what’s BEST for them, not what they want (right now). You have to parent, not pander

I know it’s hard, but be strong, they’ll thank you for it when they grow up!

I am a loss as to how to protect (teenage) DC from the worst of this

Only way to protect your DC's is by removing him. He took a leather belt and threatened you with it and then grabbed your hair to stop you getting away from him. That is assault and you should report him to the police. He was then crashing round the house blind drunk until he passed out but you don't believe that your teenage DC's are aware of anything that's going on?

Reading your posts it feels like you're more concerned about people thinking you're kicking him out than the physical and emotional damage he's doing to you all. What he's doing is not okay and you living like this is not okay.

Please report him to the police

Forumdonkey - yes and no. I am not worried about what “people” think. I am worried that (for example) involving the police would traumatise the DC even more, and leave him in a position to convince them that it was my fault. So I am worried about what the DC think.

Oh, and the DC are aware, and damaged by it. I know that.

meaninglesslife I speak from my own personal experience the only exception was he wasn't a drunk. I did what I have advised and I know it's not easy but trust me your DC's are aware of everything and my only regret is that I didn't protect my DC's more by doing it sooner.

My DC's are now young adults in their twenties and they don't blame me at all.

Get him out. Now. Report him to the police for assault. Report to social services for drunken abusive behaviour in front of kids.

Both would be kneejerk reactions that could create more problems than they would solve. Especially with social services.

@Wheat2Harvest
If he has an alcohol problem that he isn’t addressing and is getting drunk and being verbally and physically abusive in front of his children. It matters not that he fathered them. He needs to not be around them until he is addressing his alcohol issues.

Stick to your guns and don't engage with any of his silliness.

Do you have any proof of him having somewhere to go?

My friend went through very similar with her DH but he never actually went through the door - just blustered about it.

I'd take anything he says with a pinch of salt, tbh. And don't cover his tracks - make sure that family (his and yours) all know exactly what is going on. The shame is his, not yours

Wow - he's done a real number on you OP.
He will not convince the DC of anything.
He's already 'shown' them he is an abusive alcoholic.
That's all they need to know and they have already been and truly over exposed to that!
Protect them, Please!!!!
You say they are already damaged by it.
Stop damaging them further.
Get him gone - tonight!!!!!
Easier said than done, I realise, but please don't allow him to stay there.
Your poor poor DC!
Why would you allow this?
Your DS is helping him move out he wants him gone that badly.
Help him. Get him gone!

He won't seek help. Why would he?
You are enabling his behaviour and drinking.
He has no consequences to his actions.
Other than you cowering further away from his abuse.
It works for him.

But remember!!!
You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Contact Al-Anon today to get some support in place for yourself.
You've been way to passive in yours and your DC lives.
Time to take back control.
STOP waiting for him to move.
Get him out.
Contact Womens Aid if you feel threatened and they can help you to get him out.
But GET HIM GONE - NOW!!!!!

For various complicated reasons, I have seen (with H’s knowledge) a letter from letting agent confirming a contract but no further details - so if he doesn’t have anywhere to go (he sure as hell has nowhere unless/until he rents somewhere) then he is spinning a more than usually elaborate web of lies.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I had to tell my children that it was my decision and that they didn't have a say in things, because I knew they would feel guilt tripped into saying their dad should stay. Sometimes you have to lift the responsibility from their shoulders. At the same time, reassure them they can see their dad whenever they want to.

Thanks for the kick up the backside, hellsbells. Needed, and I will try and process it. I have indeed been much too passive and that needs to change.

Thing is, he can go for days or weeks without drinking, so every time I reach the point of thinking how to get him out, he can be more reasonable (still doesn’t talk to me, at all) and it seems —better— easier to wait for him to go.

To be clear - H has told DS that he will be helping with the move. DS’s loyalty to his father is such that he won’t really tell me how he feels about that.

What Hollowtalk says.

You need to take any responsibility or decision-making away from the DC.

Your father and I are splitting up. I know you wish the situation was different but it is best for everyone this way. Your dad and I can’t stay together anymore without everyone being hurt further.

I understand you feel confident he’s going, so it’s better to wait. But please call Al-anon and Women’s Aid anyway. Forewarned is forewarned. If he doesn’t go when he said he was going to, you need a plan. If he gets violent or out of control drunk again you need a plan.

Start looking for a solicitor now, and start gathering financial information before he moves out, if you do not already have access to that.

I hope he goes ok - asking DC to help is terrible of him and he is using him to guilt trip you.

Please dont even think of staying in the relationship because your kids want you to. You need to teach them that no one should force someone to stay in an abusive relationship.

Can you speak with him today, and say “after last night, I think it’s best we confirm the plans for your move - can you let me know exactly when you’re moving next week and the address? I need to make a plan for the kids.”

It will escalate if you don't get him out. I speak from experience. As it gets worse the children will be broken by it.

H of 20+ years is in the process of moving out.

Well thank God for that. You're right to be concerned about your DC. Living with a drinking alcoholic is very damaging for children of any age. Even alcoholics who aren't directly abusive harm their DC by being emotionally absent.

Alcoholism is called a family illness partly because it has a genetic component and partly because it's learnt behaviour. People who grow up exposed to an alcoholic parent often either become alcoholics themselves or end up in relationships with them.

But the main thing is that he's abusive. Violent and cruel. I'm a sober alcoholic and although I could be a bloody nuisance while drinking I never assaulted anyone. His treatment of you wouldn't be acceptable if he was sober.

Just keep hoping that he will actually leave. Once he's out you can look forward to a lovely peaceful future. But have a dance round the house first.

He does absolutely need to leave, and you do need to enforce this. If he doesn't go and kicks off again, you must call the police and then tell them everything, including previous events.

I called the police when my alcoholic late husband threatened to kill me. They removed him and told me not to let him back. They also mentioned that I could get an occupation order to prevent him coming back. They will be on your side.

I am now just over 18 months down the line from that night - my H is deceased and yes, alcohol played its part there, and I live in a peaceful, happy home. My children and I have all had counselling - I would strongly urge you to seek out the same. Start with Al-Anon and they will be able to signpost you to suitable support for your teenagers. They need and deserve support to recover from what they have been through.

Shit got very real very quickly. Police have just left, and H is in custody.

Fuck fuck fuck. What have I done?

You've done the right thing. He needs to leave and not come back. Poor DC must be in bits.

Whoah!!!!

What's happened OP?

I've just read, come to comment and seen this.

Are you and the DCs OK?

Please respond if you can. But only when you and yours are safe.

Thinking of you.