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Original poster

'Ideal man' - am I seeking the impossible?

113 replies

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 11:03

So. After a conversation with a friend this weekend, when he was asking about my 'type', and I couldn't quite articulate it, I have been giving it some thought.

I've been single for much of the past decade and, after a previous pretty dire and disastrous loveless/sexless marriage with someone entirely incompatible and unsuited to me, I have come up with the following. I'm not looking for 'perfection'; just for enough of the boxes to be ticked to make them recognisable as 'suited to me'.

I am looking for a man who:

Is kind/thoughful/compassionate/loyal and respectful.
Is musical/creative.
Is humble/self deprecating.
Is not arrogant or over confident.
Has similar political leanings/social attitude to me.
Whose work is about making people's lives better rather than making loads of money or who volunteers to achieve this in addition to work.
Is sexually compatible/doesn't think foreplay is ramming as many fingers as possible inside you or that sex is a technical 'performance'.
Is intelligent/a critical thinker.
Supports and encourages me.
Is independent but also prioritises me when appropriate.
Loves me and finds me attractive/desireable.

Its not that I never meet men who are anything like this just that, when I do, they are already attached or just not attracted to me.

I think I have similar to offer.

Am I really asking for the moon on a stick?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 13/10/2019 11:05

You’ve pretty much described my husband.

They are out there.

Aminuts23 · 13/10/2019 11:08

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. If you find him let me know 😂😂
I’ve been happily single for years too. If I do ever venture back into dating I think the most important things are kindness and consideration. I’d want someone who has their own life, no drama, no pressure. Just a relaxed mutually respectful situation.

babbi · 13/10/2019 11:08

It’s pretty much what we should all have or expect....
So no you are not asking too much ..

How you find such a man you are attracted to I have no idea .. sorry ...
I’ve given up looking and decided to stay single ...

I wish you the best of luck x

SuchAToDo · 13/10/2019 11:10

If you aren't finding men like that then change where you are looking...e.g think about where would that type of man hang out for fun and frequent those places

Also join hobby clubs and evening classes.. you may meet your guy there, or if you don't, you may make some new friends who can set you up with a nice guy.

Widen your search,

18995168a · 13/10/2019 11:13

Not at all unreasonable. You’ve described my DH to a tee.

But some of that stuff surely can be waived a bit? Does he really need to be musical? Sometimes self deprecating behaviour is an indication of low self confidence or self esteem.

The rest of it seems totally fair tbh and a pretty averagely-set bar!

RolyRolyRolyPoly · 13/10/2019 11:18

No you're not asking for the moon on a stick. It's very reasonable but "I think I have similar to offer" is not the same as "I definitely have similar to offer". The latter is what it should be otherwise you are wanting from someone what you cannot reciprocate. Ofcourse, things like work don't have to be the same or similar but should be compatible too so you both don't clash because of work.

If he is humble/self deprecating, then he wouldn't be arrogant or over confident. Those would go hand in hand.

And does he really need to be creative musically or just creative? Do you want him to know how to sing, dance, play musical instruments or just be able to carry a tune in a bucket and enjoy music generally? Just food for thought . Wish you luck x

Original poster
SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 11:19

Thanks all. I've just read it back and it does seem pretty reasonable but he also feels very elusive!

Such I already have hobbies where I meet a lot of men. I meet them through work and various other places. It's not that I dont meet men or that I dismiss them - just that I dont meet any who fit the criteria, are single and who are attracted/attractive to me!

It's beginning to feel that I'm asking too much though - which would be confirmed by a lot of the posts I read on here etc!

OP posts:
RolyRolyRolyPoly · 13/10/2019 11:19

Just x-posted with PP above and we've sort of written similar things hehe

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2019 11:21

Clearly they will be out there, but you're narrowing your pool significantly down by wanting a musical volunteer working to improve the world.

Most folks just want someone they are compatible with, who is kind etc, the character elements you mention. The musical volunteer focused on people improvement is certainly going to make your choices limited.

RolyRolyRolyPoly · 13/10/2019 11:25

You're definitely not asking too much! If that is how my post came across, then I must not have worded it properly. I only mentioned something like musical may not be a deal breaker unless you are really wanting him to be musical as opposed to lightly enjoying music, then that is what you want and you have a right to what you deserve.
When it comes to Lists like this, you have to ask yourself why for somethings and it can help you to be general on somethings (like take it or leave it) and be very specific with somethings.(must haves). x

Original poster
SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 11:25

Good questions!

I do have the same to offer. They are qualities/facets I value in myself and so would seek them, in the main, in someone else.

In terms of being musical, it's a big part of my life so they'd at least have to understand and be supportive of it/enjoy it. My hobbies, friends and social life all revolve around music - both listening to it and making it. But, no, they wouldnt have to be involved to the same degree. Just not have a problem with it!

It's more about compatibility and reciprocity I suppose.

For example, the most recent man who asked me out was a defence lawyer. He said he had no qualms about representing someone even if he thought they were probably guilty and felt no conflict that the victim wouldn't have justice. I met him through a hobby. But I wouldnt be able to overlook that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 11:26

Clearly they will be out there, but you're narrowing your pool significantly down by wanting a musical volunteer working to improve the world.

It's not a blueprint though- just a list of things I value. I wouldnt expect someone to meet that 'criteria' exactly. Just enough to be compatible.

OP posts:
RolyRolyRolyPoly · 13/10/2019 11:28

Ah! Then you're all set! I suppose you can change that part to "likes/appreciates music" than "musical/ creative" (which suggests he should also be a musician in some way).

18995168a · 13/10/2019 11:28

For example, the most recent man who asked me out was a defence lawyer. He said he had no qualms about representing someone even if he thought they were probably guilty and felt no conflict that the victim wouldn't have justice. I met him through a hobby. But I wouldnt be able to overlook that.

See, I’d find it quite appealing that he believed that in a fair justice system everyone has the right to a fair trial and representation, before a verdict is delivered. A matter of perspective I guess. It’s not really for a defence lawyer to decide someone is ‘probably guilty’ or not lol.

Pinkmonkeybird · 13/10/2019 11:29

You've described my ideal man too! I hope they are out there..

BunnyColvin · 13/10/2019 11:33

I have to say, I just don't think checklists are a Good Idea.

Forget the search OP and get out there and live your precious life to the full, that's my advice.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2019 11:58

Everyone has a right to a defence and a fair trial. Lawyers can't be picking and choosing their clients based on whether they think they are guilty or not. That's silly.

funnylittlefloozie · 13/10/2019 12:01

If you were accused of a crime, and the world and his wife thought you were "probably guilty", wouldnt you want a lawyer who would do his best to defend you?

There are definitely men out there who meet your criteria. Ive got one of them, as it happens, and quite truthfully its the best relationship i've ever had. I met him through work - we both spend our working days trying to make peoples lives better, and tbh its probably easier to meet people with that particular shared value if you also work in that field.

Keep looking. The good men are out there. Sometimes they are well-hidden.

Original poster
SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 12:21

To clarify, its not that i.don't agree that people are entitled to a fair trial, more that he said it didnt bother him whether he got a guilty person off and felt no compassion towards the victim. He said it was essentially like a game of chess and he liked to win. That's not about our legal system. He said himself that it had hardened him emotionally and he was less compassionate generally as a result.

That is a problem for me.

And I don't work towards a checklist - this is something I've mentally compiled over the past few days after being asked what my 'type' was and what i was looking for.

I'm not 'looking' for someone - i don't date and I'm quite happy single. But i dont really want to think that I'm going to die without ever experiencing love or a mutually beneficial, loving relationship. Which is where i am now.

I just wondered whether the attributes/qualities/values I like can be found in men. Is the bottom line 🙄

It's really good to read that some people have found that!

OP posts:
Original poster
SundayMorningAndImFalling · 13/10/2019 12:24

I suppose you can change that part to "likes/appreciates music" than "musical/ creative" (which suggests he should also be a musician in some way).

Yes. Although most of the men/people I meet are musical to some degree or another - that's probably one of the easiest criteria for me to meet!

If I'm honest, the biggest hurdle seems to be meeting someone who is attracted to me. Men just dont seem to fancy me in the main - but theres nothing anyone here can do to help me with that 😬

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/10/2019 12:39

My bf ticks most of your boxes, though I couldn't promise he'd fancy you, plus you'd have to be into overweight, balding men in their mid-50s?
Took me ages to work out what he was like, though - he comes across as arrogant if you don't know him well. He isn't at all.
I'd suggest going into it with a very open mind and not dismissing people too quickly if at first they don't seem to tick the boxes.

PicsInRed · 13/10/2019 12:51

Men just dont seem to fancy me in the main - but theres nothing anyone here can do to help me with that

No, you totally can. Work on your flirting technique. Men often won't make a move unless they've had some signal you're interested. Eyes, smile, body language, all can be done on a way that isn't overt enough to make you feel obvious or "silly", but gives the guy the "go" to pursue you.

funnylittlefloozie · 13/10/2019 12:56

Just a thought, Sunday, where are you mostly meeting men? Are you relying on men you meet through hobbies, or OLD, or what? I met my BF via a mutual friend... have you asked your male friends if they have any house-trained decent friends?

18995168a · 13/10/2019 13:09

Men just dont seem to fancy me in the main - but theres nothing anyone here can do to help me with that

I’m sure there are things you can do though! What do you think it is that means men don’t usually fancy you? Appearance wise, personality wise?

NotJustACigar · 13/10/2019 13:12

I love your user name. I've got a feeling I don't want to know...

Anyway, I do think posters here could help you be more attractive to men. Perhaps you could stay a thread about that? You might get a few strange comments that will need to be ignored but mostly I think you'd get advice on how to flirt, clothing choices (no cardigans 😁), etc. I'm a feminist but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive so you can widen your dating options imho.

Also when you meet a man you fancy then you will naturally re-evaluate some of the items on your list. For example I was looking for a fellow atheist and ended up married to my lovely DH who is now training for the ministry!