'Ideal man' - am I seeking the impossible?

[SundayMorningAndImFalling]

So. After a conversation with a friend this weekend, when he was asking about my 'type', and I couldn't quite articulate it, I have been giving it some thought.

I've been single for much of the past decade and, after a previous pretty dire and disastrous loveless/sexless marriage with someone entirely incompatible and unsuited to me, I have come up with the following. I'm not looking for 'perfection'; just for enough of the boxes to be ticked to make them recognisable as 'suited to me'.

I am looking for a man who:

Is kind/thoughful/compassionate/loyal and respectful.
Is musical/creative.
Is humble/self deprecating.
Is not arrogant or over confident.
Has similar political leanings/social attitude to me.
Whose work is about making people's lives better rather than making loads of money or who volunteers to achieve this in addition to work.
Is sexually compatible/doesn't think foreplay is ramming as many fingers as possible inside you or that sex is a technical 'performance'.
Is intelligent/a critical thinker.
Supports and encourages me.
Is independent but also prioritises me when appropriate.
Loves me and finds me attractive/desireable.

Its not that I never meet men who are anything like this just that, when I do, they are already attached or just not attracted to me.

I think I have similar to offer.

Am I really asking for the moon on a stick?

My husband is kind, dependable, attractive and we're politically similar.

That's enough for me. If you were to describe him on paper, I would have said no way, I always thought I'd end up with the arty, volunteery type and that's not him at all, but it actually doesn't matter at all. We just work. And he is becoming more interested in things like that and I'm getting more interested in his type of thing too. In a good relationship, you grow and change together.

I personally think you're being too rigid. High standards are great but I keep them for things like morals and kindness rather than hobbies.

Thanks. It is helpful having these different perspectives.

I think that my previous relationships were with men I was so incompatible with where I'd just focused on things like being attracted to them, being able to chill out together and all the things people are suggesting on here that, when my friend asked about it, I thought that maybe I needed to have a clearer idea of what I wanted.

Incompatabilities have caused problems in the past.

There is no reason to settle, but I do think that sometimes the right person for you can surprise you by not being what you expect. I whittled down my checklist to three points and it's served me pretty well:
1 - someone I fancy
2 - someone I can have a proper conversation with and that I really enjoy spending time with
3 - someone who isn't a massive arsehole

Surprisingly hard to find someone who checks all three boxes.

Oh, absolutely, justa

I dated someone a couple of years ago and I think it's probably the closest I've ever come to loving someone and being loved. On paper, we'd have appeared to be from different planets let alone different worlds but, when it came down to it, we fancied each other and we were compatible in many ways. Just not enough.

I'm don't think I'm rigid but I'm not desperate and wouldnt just go out with anyone. I'm pretty sure I could go to the local Wetherspoons on a Friday night and 'pull'. I think most people could. But that's not what I want.

My list goes:

Someone I fancy who fancies me back.
Must be kind. This covers a lot but having basic compassion and empathy for other people and caring about people beyond their own little bubble.
Must have excellent sense of humour and make me laugh a lot.
Academics don't matter but must be bright and interested in the world.
Must be honest.
Someone who is interested in self development and who is emotionally intelligent, i.e not someone who slams passive-aggressively round the kitchen and doesn't even know they are angry, let alone why.
Mustn't be a regular porn user/addicted to porn/addicted to anything else.
Must have vaguely the same spirituality/perspective as me. This is flexible and basically just not a raging atheist - anything else is cool.

I also like tall blokes but I don't know if that's a dealbreaker, it's more of a preference and falls under me fancying them, I don't tend to fancy short men as much.
The other things on my list are really important and I would be quite content to be single if the right person doesn't come along. I know I am limiting myself (loads of men are regular porn users or atheists) but I'm okay with that.

regarding your list, maybe musical could just be - a real appreciation and understanding of your love of music and enthusiasm for you pursuing that? You do sound a bit black and white in your thinking and a bit quick to judge because you are scared of ending up in the same situation as before, a re-run of your ex. I get that. My ex was super wrong for me and it caused a lot of pain, I wish I hadn't gone there.
Best of luck.

RhubarbTea
Interesting that you think my list is 'rigid' because yours reads fairly similarly to me! 🤣

regarding your list, maybe musical could just be - a real appreciation and understanding of your love of music and enthusiasm for you pursuing that?

Absolutely! Although it's fairly 'normal' in my world for people to play/perform music so maybe I feel it is reasonable because of that.

"I also like tall blokes"
Most women prefer tall men. It seems to be close to a universal preference.

It is possible. I have almost all of those in my husband. The only exception is the musical/creative. He is sporty, I am musical. We support each other in this.
Don't be in too much of a hurry. I had given up all hope and then he just appeared.
And believe me, you're much better off on your own than with someone you're not compatible with.

Most women prefer tall men. It seems to be close to a universal preference.

See, I should have my pick then! Ideally, I like men who are 5'6 - 5'9 but have been attracted to a man who was 5'3 and another who was 6'3.

And believe me, you're much better off on your own than with someone you're not compatible with.

Oh completely agree with that!

This is a lovely, supportive and positive thread. My late DH pretty much ticked all the boxes. They are out there. I would love to meet someone new, but I'd rather be alone than compromise on my values. Pretty similar to yours and some PPs. Trying OLD atm, OKcupid is good for weeding out with criteria eg. I'm not interested in anyone who just wants to hook up - and good to know their intention up front! Good luck OP.

sessell

I'm pleased to hear you found someone who 'ticked the boxes' and hope you meet someone else out there who does too.

I'm exactly the same in that I'd rather be alone than compromise too much.

I know what works for me and what doesn't now. But it would be nice to meet someone.

I dont think you are unreasonable but you are narrowing down your options quite a bit here ! Say if you met someone sexually compatible but they were not musical and were say a City Banker ? I think to meet as many people as possible ,and you will find someone you like who is right for you in the end .Sometimes people who meet in RL admit they would have gone left on a Tinder match for example !

Another problem... My exh hates conflict so tends to go along with what other people say, especially with people he wants to impress. So when I met him, he came across as having similar views and interests to me. It wasn't until much later that it became apparent that, for example, our views on male/female roles and feminism were miles apart. That was quite an issue. So another way in which someone appears one way "on paper" but turns out not to be compatible.

dottie hm... I don't know. I don't think I'd appeal to a city banker so I doubt that would ever arise 🤣 but I take your point.

ravenmum yes, I've encountered that before. It's also precisely why I wouldn't change myself to be more 'attractive' to men - there's be little point in me turning up to a date in heels when I spend most of my life in DMs, for example.

The thing is, i do meet men who are largely compatible and attractive to me - unfortunately they don't find me attractive or they're married! 🙄

Seriously, finding a single man who is attracted to me feels like a bigger obstacle than any of the items on my list.

Sounds just like my husband. Don’t want to sound smug but more to encourage you that they are definitely out there. Look more closely at people you wouldn’t normally consider.

God no, doesn't sound smug at all!

Thanks. I feel like I have looked at men I wouldn't normally have considered over recent years. Despite what people have said on here, I'm not actually rigid about it.

But I'm definitely not going to consider someone 20 years older who I just don't fancy! Got to draw the line somewhere...

Sunday did you read the 36 questions to fall in love link? Really recommend you read that and thr research around it. If you can't access the article through paywall, Google "36 questions to fall in love"

Anyone can fall in love with anyone as long as they are both open to it. Typically the trick is simply to find someone who is open to it...

Do you know what your attachment style is?

Most women prefer tall men. It seems to be close to a universal preference. I am tall for a woman but I have a preference for men under 6 feet. I love the height preferences of other women because it means there are reams of amazing men around for me to date tbh... but I appreciate that's not a great comfort for men who get cast aside for something as silly as height.

rvby yes, I read them. I've read it before. Tbh, there are questions on there I'm not sure I'd be comfortable answering to anyone! I guess I just haven't met anyone who's open to it. Maybe I'm not open to it?

I think my attachment style is largely avoidant. And I can see how that would point to me being the 'problem' and I'd agree with that if I had opportunities that I was disregarding. But I don't think I am.

I think it's a multi faceted problem really. Men don't find me attractive and I'm maybe not as open to falling in love as I'd like to be. But I can see how I'd have a chance at resolving the second issue but I'm not really sure how I'd go about sorting the first. I am who I am.

Do you want to be close and intimate with someone else? Like... do you want to be in a position one day where you ask and answer such questions? Or does it all sound ick?

On the idea of being avoidant not being the issue.. folk do read and heed fuck off signals. You will have way fewer opportunities if you are avoidant, particularly as a woman

Do you want to be close and intimate with someone else? Like... do you want to be in a position one day where you ask and answer such questions? Or does it all sound ick?

Honestly, a bit of both. I would absolutely love to he in a position to ask and answer those sorts of questions but I couldn't do it with just anyone. It would need to be someone I was already comfortable being vulnerable with.

I don't feel like that often but, when I do, I'm completely open.

On the idea of being avoidant not being the issue.. folk do read and heed fuck off signals

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it. I don't think I do send out 'fuck off' signals though. I was once told I did but that was about 7 years ago. I've done a lot of work on myself and I'm a lot better at being open now etc.

I feel like I am open and approachable. I'm friendly and I have no problem with talking to people. I dont really know how to he any different.

I think that your standard of what a ‘good’ person is might be a but unreasonable, possibly a bit hypocritical. Take your barrister for example. If you had taken the time to exercise some empathy you would have realised that caring the way you wanted him to would have lead him to a mental breakdown eventually. It’s normal and healthy to emotionally detach yourself from your job when it’s something which is emotionally challenging. Meanwhile he is in a job which is hugely beneficial to society and ‘makes a difference’. It’s almost like you were looking for an excuse to not try and him not being good enough was one that alleviated you of all responsibility.

@SundayMorningAndImFalling

May I ask what kind of work you did on yourself to become more open? I think that might be my problem. I really do think I send out a lot of fuck off signals - @rvby a lot of what you've said on this thread has resonated with me.

There's a man I like and sometimes when we're having a laugh I panic and think he must think I like him so I start shutting down to stop making an arse of myself. We do have a big (and unusual) interest in common, so next time I see him I might make more effort. I think we flirted once (but am so clueless I'm not entirely sure) then we both hurried off!

Sorry, OP, don't mean to stride into your thread, it's just what you're saying is striking a chord with me.

I think some things on your list should be optional extras...so musical/creative...if all other boxes ticked, that can be overlooked. Ditto his profession.