'Ideal man' - am I seeking the impossible?

[SundayMorningAndImFalling]

So. After a conversation with a friend this weekend, when he was asking about my 'type', and I couldn't quite articulate it, I have been giving it some thought.

I've been single for much of the past decade and, after a previous pretty dire and disastrous loveless/sexless marriage with someone entirely incompatible and unsuited to me, I have come up with the following. I'm not looking for 'perfection'; just for enough of the boxes to be ticked to make them recognisable as 'suited to me'.

I am looking for a man who:

Is kind/thoughful/compassionate/loyal and respectful.
Is musical/creative.
Is humble/self deprecating.
Is not arrogant or over confident.
Has similar political leanings/social attitude to me.
Whose work is about making people's lives better rather than making loads of money or who volunteers to achieve this in addition to work.
Is sexually compatible/doesn't think foreplay is ramming as many fingers as possible inside you or that sex is a technical 'performance'.
Is intelligent/a critical thinker.
Supports and encourages me.
Is independent but also prioritises me when appropriate.
Loves me and finds me attractive/desireable.

Its not that I never meet men who are anything like this just that, when I do, they are already attached or just not attracted to me.

I think I have similar to offer.

Am I really asking for the moon on a stick?

Or are you actually also still just thinking of very basic things like "Doesn't undermine me by putting me down"?

Yes. That really.

Yes, really just mostly things we should all expect...

I suppose I didnt articulate it very well. I don't expect anything from them in the sense of support and encouragement beyond not undermining me.

So, in recent years, I've had "I'm not spending any time with your friends" when he'd only met them 2 or 3 times in 11 months (his choice) and they were nothing but nice to him.

"I think its brilliant you do x,y,z" but then having a problem with me doing it.

"All I want is to be part of your life" whilst expecting to be involved in every aspect of it, including coming on holiday with friends he'd never met because he had so little going on in his own life.

I've been out with men who've cheated on me.

Men whose idea of sex had obviously been completely informed by porn.

Men who told me I was fat when I'm not.

I just dont want any of that again.

I've never cheated; I've always supported and encouraged; I've never undermined anyone and I'm honest and loyal. I'm not clingy or needy but I do think its important to spend time together. I'm not jealous but I do expect respect and i treat others as I'd wish to be treated.

I'm not perfect and I'm sure i fuck up now and again but so does everyone!

Are you relying on men you meet through hobbies, or OLD, or what?

What is OLD please? I've always wondered when I've seen it mentioned on here before.

Sally99 old is online dating. The first time I saw it I thought it was some kind of preference for significantly older partners/ a sugerdaddy matchmaking service which for some reason everyone was familiar with

SundayMorningAndImFalling the last posts have solidified for me what I was half trying to say in my first post in your thread.

I think you're looking at this from the wrong angle.

What hobbies and interests, job and personal virtues etc your prospective partner might have is a red herring.

The important character traits are all bound up in one question:

What do you both want from a relationship ?

That's what I was getting at with the compatible world view/ attitude to religion and politics/ views on division of domestic labour view on childrearing (I realise you say that's not relevant but it could be in terms of step parent roles).

Time is perhaps at the crux of this. Some people want a long term partner with whom they fully merge lives, friendship groups, families - that's ok.

Some people want to maintain largely seperate independent lives outside the home while having a domestic companion and partner - that's ok too, if it's what you both want.

Some people want to compartmentalise a dating relationship long term, seeing one another a couple of times per week and staying a night or so per week together, perhaps holidaying together, and never move beyond that - that's ok too.

I think you need someone who wants the same kind of relationship as you. That's all.

Anothernotherone, I hoped it was a good matchmaking service!

Not read the whole thread but I'm heading for 50 and single after a long and difficult relationship with someone who didn't really care about me.

I would like another relationship one day, but I will no longer put up with any disrespectful, sexist, selfish, porn-addled, controlling, manchild idiocy or other crap. My Mr Moonstick is similar to yours (though I'm not specifying his job or hobbies, other than anything obviously worrying like shooting badgers or collecting Nazi hats) and I totally realise finding such a man is vanishingly unlikely anyway, never mind at 50+. I've made my peace with that. If he comes along, then great. If not, I'd rather be single. I think it's fine to want what you want, as long as you're realistic about the chances.

Anothernotherone

Ah I see what you're saying now.

I suppose I'm not entirely sure! I'd like to be able to merge lives, I guess, whilst still keeping our independence - I dont think that everything needs to be done together and I value my own peace and quiet and need time on my own to recuperate.

I dont want to be joined at the hip or one of these couples who can't be apart.

I dont want to live with anyone while I have children still living at home and my youngest is 14 so I have a few years left of that. But, if she goes to university at 18, I would consider it then. So 4 years from ow. Which, given I'm currently single, doesnt seem like a huge problem.

I've seen other people struggle so much when blending families - even when the adult children are in their 29s, that I'm wary of that!

I've never 'needed' a partner but it would be nice.

Again, I suppose that, if I met someone with whom I was really compatible and loved, some of these would find their own resolutions anyway. Again, nothing is set in stone.

Boyfriend is all of those. Including a 'musical volunteer' . I found him on Bumble as a 37 year old lone parent, so it definitely can be done.

Compromise is he lives an hour away but that's do-able.

Fantastic, Grobags !

If you tire of him, send him my way 🤣

Hope it works out well.

@SundayMorningAndImFalling 🤣🤣🤣

I think he has other musical volunteering friends???

I have zero interest in music though,

I agree that it's more about what you want from a relationship. Someone with their own hobby that takes up a lot of time (or someone who needs a lot of alone time) would probably be understanding of your music commitments - I think maybe that's more important than being interested in music really. Someone could be interested in music, but also be controlling/needy or have no life! Or interested in say reading/gaming/football, happy, secure, and happy to do that while you're off rehearsing.

I would want someone with the same outlook, but I personally have a reasonable amount of flexibility. If we disagree politically, it's about why they feel that way, and depending on what it is not necessarily a deal breaker. I would say mine and dh's views have both evolved since I've been in a relationship, and my husband still surprises me sometimes when we disagree. I definitely wouldn't want a male version of me though - maybe that says more about me than anything else.

I always looked out for red flags. Genuine kindness was at the top of my list - surprisingly not exactly universal as has been said. And intelligence, compatibility, good temper.

You're absolutely not obliged to like him I know, but I get what people were saying about the lawyer - I think it brought something up. I suppose doctors have to compartmentalise as well. If you want someone with a job that involves doing good then maybe that's always going to be a potential issue? Particularly of they're doing good in a "front line public service" way - I think those people always have to compartmentalise - maybe it leads to compassion fatigue too? I can see how it might. I get that you maybe meant it a bit more broadly - but a job helping others in a way that's not emotionally draining potentially risks narrowing the field even more.