'Ideal man' - am I seeking the impossible?

[SundayMorningAndImFalling]

So. After a conversation with a friend this weekend, when he was asking about my 'type', and I couldn't quite articulate it, I have been giving it some thought.

I've been single for much of the past decade and, after a previous pretty dire and disastrous loveless/sexless marriage with someone entirely incompatible and unsuited to me, I have come up with the following. I'm not looking for 'perfection'; just for enough of the boxes to be ticked to make them recognisable as 'suited to me'.

I am looking for a man who:

Is kind/thoughful/compassionate/loyal and respectful.
Is musical/creative.
Is humble/self deprecating.
Is not arrogant or over confident.
Has similar political leanings/social attitude to me.
Whose work is about making people's lives better rather than making loads of money or who volunteers to achieve this in addition to work.
Is sexually compatible/doesn't think foreplay is ramming as many fingers as possible inside you or that sex is a technical 'performance'.
Is intelligent/a critical thinker.
Supports and encourages me.
Is independent but also prioritises me when appropriate.
Loves me and finds me attractive/desireable.

Its not that I never meet men who are anything like this just that, when I do, they are already attached or just not attracted to me.

I think I have similar to offer.

Am I really asking for the moon on a stick?

Velveteenfruitbowl

I don't have to justify my dating (or not) choices. And I don't owe any man a date.

Tbh, it's all of this justifying undesirable attitudes/behaviour in men that leads women to he posting on here 10 years down the line saying they have mo idea how it got so bad when all the signs were there from the first date.

A man told me that he lacks compassion as a result of his career. Compassion is important to me. Why should I ignore that just because he asked me out for a drink?

I didn't find him physically attractive anyway so I didnt need an 'excuse'.

*SevenStones,

It's hard to say what I did really. I suppose, in essence, I just became more aware of myself and my reactions/responses to other people.

I have spoken to other people about this and every one only ever says positive things about me - but there is clearly something about me.

formerbabe

But, for me, that would be the easiest one to meet.

Ultimately, I dont want someone who wants to sit in front of the TV every night complaining about life or someone who tries to make feel guilty for what I do or someone who tells me I'm "too old" for playing in bands etc. I've had all of those over recent years and it just doesn't work.

I understand what you're saying about not restricting myself in that sense but I'm looking for a relationship to be something that adds to my life not something that restricts it.

Also want to make it clear that I'm speaking about what I want because I'm writing this but I offer all the things I'm looking for.

My ex husband frustrated me incredibly because he had a creative talent that he just didn't use and was good enough to do at least semi professionally. I had no interest in it personally but, when he started to do it, I encouraged him wholeheartedly - never made him feel bad if I couldn't go and see him because of work commitments and encouraged him wholeheartedly. Ultimately, it spelled the end of us because he grew in confidence and had a lot of attraction from younger women but I dont regret having supported him - he was stagnating without it.

I suppose I just want to meet someone who has a lust for life and does things. We dont necessarily have to do these things together - it's important to me to be with someone who is independent and has their own friends and their own life - I also previously dated someone who was supportive but really just wanted to be involved in my life without having a life of his own that I could become part of. And that didnt work either.

I dont get jealous without reason and have no problems with a boyfriend having female friends - even ones he sees without me - you need your own space and connections and, by our age, I'd expect that to be the case.

I don't think I have a load of baggage and I'm quite independent but it still doesn't seem to be enough.

But I'm out at band practises 3 nights a week, gig a fair bit at weekends and go to jam nights etc. So yeah it is a big part of what I do. Ideally, I'd like to meet someone who is interested in similar things.

So you'd like to meet someone who's willing to come bottom of your list of priorities and put up with the few crumbs of your time you're prepared to throw his way?

Have you seen the amount of threads in here from women with men like that. The response is always the same - he's not that into you, you're not his priority, walk away.

Yes that's my DH. You're not being unreasonable in wanting those things.

Sounds like my DH - other than the musical part.

I don't know how someone can hear a tune/song and literally 3 seconds later be humming/singing it completely wrong. But he can. I forgive him though as he's wonderful. And he can draw/sculpt very well whereas I'm crap.

So no YNBU but I snapped my DH up at 19 so maybe less men this great are single?

Yanbu. Your list sounds absolutely fine. Not sure how to meet such a man but don't lower your standards.

For example, the most recent man who asked me out was a defence lawyer. He said he had no qualms about representing someone even if he thought they were probably guilty and felt no conflict that the victim wouldn't have justice. I met him through a hobby. But I wouldnt be able to overlook that.

Well everyone is entitled to justice. If we have a system where they are not then who decides? What criteria? We don't know until it has been through the court if they are actually guilty. Perhaps someone was coerced? So I think you have just dismissed someone on a knee jerk whim. You will never meet anyone with a modicum of intellect if you do not display it yourself!

Well I think you should definitely be more open minded about his occupation. I know plenty of lovely men who work in jobs that are not charitable or for the greater good. The only man I know who works in the charitable sector and does voluntary work (a real do gooder type) is actually one of the most unpleasant people I know.

minesagin37 it's perfectly acceptable to dismiss first dates on a knee jerk whim, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Nobody is owed a date or a second date. No excuse or explanation is needed for not wanting to see someone again if you've only met them once - it's not a job interview where discrimination must be avoided and each candidate considered on their merits, not a marriage or ltr deserving to be given a chance and worked at.

It's reasonable to dismiss the idea of a relationship with someone you've just met for any reason or no reason at all.

I'm actually amazed that some people consider wanting to he compatible with someone in terms of political and social position; is sexually compatible; kind etc; is supportive and who desires me is 'restricting' myself!
If someone said they're after someone who has similar political and social outlooks, is kind and they're sexually compatible then I don't think anyone would say that's picky.

But add in the need to be musical or creative, the fact that many nights are taken up with bands and gigs, that they should volunteer and so on, it does sound quite a limiting approach.

I know this will upset some people but musicians tend to have big egos.. i think you are looking for a unicorn.

How would you match up to this ideal man?

@Mummybares

I know this will upset some people but musicians tend to have big egos

I was thinking the exact same thing. They are not necessarily the sensitive kind type you may imagine. Two of my friends dated musicians...they were fucking awful

So you'd like to meet someone who's willing to come bottom of your list of priorities and put up with the few crumbs of your time you're prepared to throw his way?

Why bother replying when you haven't read my posts?

MaryPopppins 😁 and yeah that's what I'm worried about. I know quite a few men who'd fit my description but they've mostly been married for 30+ years! There arent many of them who are single in their mid 40s.

minesagin37 ❤

However, in terms of the defence lawyer, I've summarised an entire conversation with him here. The bottom line is that he told me he had no qualms in defending someone he believed himself was guilty; he felt no compassion towards the victims; and that it had affected how he viewed the world/other people and made him a less compassionate person generally as a result.

I didnt have a knee jerk reaction to him saying he was a defence lawyer and make a decision based on that. I asked him directly if he found it made him less compassionate generally. He said yes and then elaborated. It doesnt really matter whether that's a defence mechanism for him - it's not something I would want in a partner.

I've been rejected by men who dont think women should drink pints of ale. That's fine, it's up to them and suggests we'd be incompatible in many ways. For me, this signifies similar.

formerbabe yes, that's true. And I agree, the nastiest, most duplicitous man I've ever met is someone who, for many years, I believed was one of the kindest and possessed great generosity of spirit - and I wasnt alone in seeing him like that - he's well known in our local community for his charitable work etc. so I do take what you're saying on board. Thank you.

Anothernotherone thank you. And it wasnt even a date. I met him because he was a friend of a friend who came and sat with us on an evening out. I owed him nothing more than politeness and inclusion in the conversation. I hadn't actually realised he was interested until my friend pointed it out! I'm not obliged to go on a date with someone just because I've been asked.

LolaSmiles I think I've already explained that though. I don't really meet people who arent either musical/creative or at least supportive of it.

And I haven't said they 'should' volunteer or that I require it - just that those are the sort of qualities I find attractive. I said in my first post that i didnt expect to meet someone who 'ticked all of the boxes'just someone who ticked enough of them for them to be recognisable as compatible with me. I don't volunteer at the moment because i dont have time but i have done a fair amount and i will do again. It's more the mindset I'm interested in. For example, the man I'm currently attracted to is a bit grumpy at times and doesn't volunteer but he has many qualities I do find atractive!

I can see that that would restrict things and I've also said it's not a checklist/shopping list. Just that, when asked, those are the things I came up with.

Mummybares
Not going to upset me - you're right! But not all of them I obviously wouldn't be attracted to them because theyd come under 'arrogant/over confident' too.

roisinagusniamh

That's a fair question and I've tried to cover some of it in my post earlier today.

I'm not asking for anything I don't offer myself. And I'm happy to be challenged on any of it. If there is something in me that is lacking in that area, I need to be aware of it.

Like i said before, men don't seem to be attracted to me particularly so there is clearly something I'm getting wrong! 🙄

I have read your posts. You've said yourself you're not willing to give up time from your hobby to be with a new partner.

What exactly are you prepared to put into this elusive relationship?

What good are shared interests if you can barely fit a day in a week to enjoy those shared interests?

Or by shared interests do you mean someone who will traipse round after you?

all of those things are great, but do they really need to be ALL those things?
Do you also have such a lot to offer someone?

It has been suggested to me before that, when men get to their 40s and 50s, they're not looking for a woman who is independent and has her own life because they find that intimidating or threatening to their status quo. Apparently, what most men are looking for is someone who will support them in their own stuff, or be happy just bumbling along being 'content' but I dont really want to believe that that is the case.

But then I read on here that men are looking for someone who is independent and confident, with their own friends and life.

It's just hard.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks

Ok. Well band practises are when I see my friends. One is very much a light hearted social thing and we gig, on average, once a month and I meet up with some of them socially maybe once a week at the weekends. The other is more serious and we practise a couple of times a week, on average, and probably gig once/twice a month on average too.

Everyone else in both bands is either married or in a relationship and their partners are supportive. So it's clearly not a massive ask. Sometimes they socialise with us, some of them are part of the same friendship group, others I only see occasionally. I wouldn't routinely miss band practise because I enjoy it and I'd let other people down but they do get cancelled for family reasons etc so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. But I wouldnt leave either of them for a relationship that might go nowhere after 6 months.

The last time I dated someone, we were in contact every day and saw each other 2/3 times a week. So i do have the time. I suppose I would socialise less with my bandmates if that were the case - it's not like we're joined at the hip. I suppose I spend as much time with them as I do because I am single. But then, meeting through friends or hobbies is often suggested as the ideal way to meet someone!

But, again, I take your point on that - if I dont have the time for a relationship it wouldnt matter who was interested! I would make time.

To be honest, most of the things on your list are very basic - having some basic idea of lovemaking, being reasonably intelligent, respectful and generally nice.
Then there are a couple of things like being musical which are more specific but not exactly unusual. It doesn't sound like a lot to hope for at all to me.

The only things I'd be suprised at are:
Is humble/self deprecating.
Supports and encourages me
... simply as I can't see what you're getting at. Self-deprecating as in making jokes about how he's losing his hair or always forgets birthdays? And he has to be independent, but you require his support? Or are you actually also still just thinking of very basic things like "Doesn't undermine me by putting me down"?

,Branleuse*

No, they wouldn't have to be all those things. And I think I've already explained what I have to offer.

I can understand that not everyone would want that! But I cant pretend to be someone I'm not either.

And, tbh, this current schedule is only 6-18 months old. There were many years when I had one night out a week at a hobby etc and had most nights free. It made no difference. My long term single ness is why I've filled my time up!

And also a result of meeting more people.and getting out there more to increase my social life etc