DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

You are married, it is his debt too.

Is this a reverse?

*is upset

@Shefliesonherownwings

Can you sit down and work out your income/outgoings and try and sort out a weekly/monthly budget for you?

You said on paper you should have enough, so you need to work out where it's all going.

Do you buy clothes? Things for the house? If you can figure out where it's going then you may be able to end it?

Hope you and your dh have an honest talk today, but I can understand why he was upset last night.

I think when he’s helped you out of debt it’s unfair to say it’s YOUR overdraft as if he’s suddenly interfering. You’ve been deceitful again and not told him.

To resolve this I would sincerely apologise to him, no excuses. Admit you’ve been dishonest and realise it was wrong.
Maybe get a joint account and don’t ever open your own account or get a credit card again. He’s been helpful and you seem completely ungrateful. I’m not surprised he’s pissed off you’ve been spending and not telling him again.

Ok, fair enough. I can see i've been blase to say the least about this and that i've been unreasonable in getting in this mess and in my thinking about not expecting DP to be upset. I hear what you're all saying, especially about the trust. I genuinely didn't think it would be such a big issue, but I can see I was wrong completely.

To answer some points, I've never not said an overdraft was a debt, I referred to it throughout in my post. DH also won't be helping me pay it off, i'll do it on my own, it's my responsibility.

We pay 50% of the mortgage and all household bills. I have my own outgoings such as my car, phone, gym as does DH and we each pay these ourselves. We do have a joint current account and a joint savings account. We each pay the 50% for mortgage bills into the current account. DH puts his savings in the joint savings account as do I but he puts more in, normally part of his monthly commission bonuses which is a fair bit more than me. However, even if we were married and having a baby, and didn't have joint accounts, so what?!

DH has bailed me out once, not twice and as I say I will be sorting this on my own.

I appreciate the reality check. I haven't broken the habit as those have said, and I want to thank those that have made helpful suggestions about how to get a handle on this with courses and online help. I will have a look at this now and talk to DH when he gets up.

I’d be furious with you too, yabu.

Why not go back to work after 6 months.
Will you have childcare costs?

Wow.

There he is, thinking you're all straight and moving forward financially, and the whole time you've been creating more debt.

And your attitude. Just wow.

You're very much in the wrong here.

Your DH was very unwise consolidating your debts. I'd be mightily cheesed off with you as well. You need to talk to him.

Cross-posted, sorry.

I was terrible with money when I was younger, huge debts, dreadful credit score, but when I met DH I never hid it from him. He helped me sort it all out and I gave him full control of the money for a long time till I learned to control my spending.

I’m “cured” now for want if a better word, and have full access to all our money again, but if I started to lapse I’d have no qualms about handing everything back to DH to manage.

Id also really look at the spending of you both. If you dont have a joint account at all, who pays for food, bills, petrol, etc?

Just read your last update... You can't have savings if you have the overdrafts it's a fallacy of sorts. I would suggest to stop.putting into the savings pot, pay that overdraft and ask the bank to cancel it.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh.

From what I understand, OP is paying half of all mortgage and other bills despite the fact her DH earns a larger basic salary plus he gets large bonuses on top that soap does not get. So he has a lot more disposable income. Yet he still has a small overdraft.

OP has got into overdraft again because she has a much reduced disposable income due to paying out a much larger proportion of her income in household bills. If she spends the same on herself as DH she ends up with a larger overdraft. Her overdraft though larger is not out of control and OP has a plan to pay it down before her full pay ceases.

DH should be funding her during the unpaid maternity leave as this is his baby too! They should also adjust bills contributions so that each has equal disposable income. They are married! It's supposed to be a partnership!

Personally I can't understand not having joint finances when married especially when there are unequal incomes and babies come along .

It seems to me on the information given that OP only got back into debt because of the unfair way bills are divided and it's about time fairer financial arrangements were put in place especially now OP's career is likely to be affected adversely by becoming a mum.

You live beyond your means!
Cancel the gym, get a car without finance.
I imagine you buy clothes regularly, high end makeup, posh hairdressers, beauty treatments etc.
You need to stop. I'm saying this from someone who has done similar in the past, I can see it in your post

I'm not surprised he's upset.

You've hidden debt from him - again.

Your entire financial plan seems to hinge on him paying more including whatever shortfall you have because you are a 'spender'.

He's supported you even further financially by taking the hit of you going into a lower paid role, which means that his proportion of costs has had to be increased further.

You are about to go on maternity leave, which will reduce your income and add the financial burden of a baby into the mix. You have grand plans to save your travel money and get out of your overdraft - but given your track record is that really going to happen?

You've demonstrated that he can't trust you, that you can't control your money and that you expect him to continually be the financial safety net.
Yet you can't understand why he's pissed off?

You sound very selfish and spoiled. All this talk about it being YOUR overdraft - how does that work in practice when you have no money and bills need to be paid? You rely on him to step in. But that's fine because he earns more. What would you do if he decided to adopt your attitude to money, and sack off his well paid job for something that paid peanuts?

Why are you paying half of the mortgage if you’re earning less than your dh? Don’t you pool your resources?

This is a fair point. It may be that if OP were paying proportionate to her earnings she’d wouldn’t have struggled to keep within her means.

But when DH is spending so much more on the house than she is it’s moot.

Oh i cross posted.

You cant afford 12 month may leave.

You might want to try the moneysavingexpert website and look at Martin Lewis's opinion on saving whilst you have debt.

And in fairness, you should be paying into the bills and household expenses pot in proportion to income.

My partner would be getting the serious silence treatment right now if this was him - how can you be planning your future etc while hiding this!

But I doubt that suggestion will go down well after this debacle with money.

Your poor husband. Id be telling you to leave but now He is tied to you
You have lied by omission. Kept your overdraft from him. He has housed you from hard work. Helped you pay off debt which could have gone towards the house. Never told him about the larger debt til married. I mean come on- what more is he supposed to take from your childishness . Grow up. Be very thsnkful if he gives you a second chance rather than marching orders. The Trust is shot. You seriously need to change your ways !!!
I really hope he has his larger contibution to the deposit legally documented because its your last chance -

Her dh puts more into their joint savings than the op does. It would be useful if people read posts properly instead of attempting to deflect blame on him.