DH upset about MY overdraft

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3 and a half. Before DH and I met, I got into a fair amount of debt, with credit cards and a personal loan, totalling about 15k. I basically lived beyond my means in my 20s. I met DH at 29 and never really mentioned the extent of the debt even after we moved in together and got married. After we got married we focused on buying a house, saving the deposit and getting ourselves in the best financial position. I only ever paid off the minimum on the cards and felt pretty guilty I had all this debt and hadn't said anything to DH. In the end, I 'confessed' to him one drunken night. He was really good about it, didn't make me feel bad and together we came up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. Basically the money I had been putting towards the deposit every month instead went towards the credit cards. I know he was hurt I hadn't told him about it at the time which I totally understand. He also became a bit resentful that he was the only one contributing towards the house deposit, which again I understand.

A few months later we decided to move in with relatives to help with saving money for the house. At the same time, I took a new job that meant taking a pretty large paycut. DH and I both agreed i'd take it though because it meant getting back into the field I had qualified in, which I was desperate to do and it was good career progression in the long term. I continued to pay off the cards. I did however, end up increasing my overdraft slowly and living in it which DH wasn't aware of. I stayed in the job for a year and then found a new job at the beginning of last year that was much better paid. DH and I also consolidated both our debts (he also had some credit card debt, albeit much less than mine) into a loan making the repayments less. Once I had more disposable income I got out of my overdraft but I kept the limit at the larger amount.

Since we completed on the house a year ago, we've had a lot of work done to it, full rewire, plastering, new bathroom etc... and DH has contributed a lot more to this than me. He earns more than me and gets commission bonuses which goes towards the house. He has been adamant that we do not get any credit cards or loans so we have put a few things on finance jointly. If I have ever mentioned getting a credit card jointly or for myself, he immediately says no. He is very touchy about CCs and debt.

The issue currently is that since we bought the house, again, I have struggled to live within my means. I really don't know why, as on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over. I am a spender though and I think I got used to have little outgoings and despite now paying a mortgage and bills I've spent in the same way. Slowly but surely again I have moved back into my overdraft, pretty much now living completely in it every month. I hate it, feel terrible I have got myself into this and have been trying to pay it off where I can but it's much harder now I have less disposable income.

The other added complication is I am pregnant, due to go on maternity leave next month. I will get 6 months full pay but then drop down to SMP for three months and DH and I need to be saving for the drop in pay. I plan to go back to work after SMP runs out.

I know we will have extra expenditure with the baby but I am planning to set aside the money I was spending on travelling into work (from outside London, into London) towards our savings and also towards getting out of my overdraft. DH wasn't aware of me being in my overdraft. Aside from the mortgage and finance agreements we don't have any other debt. I should mention that on occasion DH has mentioned that he is the main one contributing to savings and ow he put all the money into the deposit. I always say I am very grateful and i'm sorry about the debt but also that he earns a fair bit more than me so can afford to put more in now.

Last night DH and I were in the pub and I was checking my bank balance on my phone. DH saw and asked me if that was my bank balance and I said yes. He asked if that was my overdraft and again i said yes. He was shocked. He didn't say anything more and acted normally but on the drive home he didn't speak to me. He also went straight to bed when we got in and again didn't speak to me which is not normal for us. I know he is upset with me about this and will probably be in a mood today.

I know it's nowhere near ideal to have a large overdraft and live in it and I am terribly annoyed with myself for getting into this situation again. However, I feel annoyed that DH is in a mood with me about it and no doubt will lecture me at some point today and probably treat this as a betrayal. But it is MY overdraft, I don't ask him what his bank balance is or how much of his overdraft he is in, which I know he is, albeit less than me. Also, last time with my debt we were in a different situation with trying to get our debts down and improving our credit for the mortgage. That's not the case now and in my view there's a big difference between 15k credit card debt to 2k overdraft debt. I know I will be walking on eggshells today waiting for the lecture from DH and I already feel bad enough without the guilt from him about how much he contributes.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft? I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt but I feel like it is my overdraft which I am working towards getting out of so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it and making me feel worse than I already do.

I would be furious if my DH had lived beyond his means and run up debt whilst I was being prudent. I would also be annoyed that he had concealed it from me.

Assuming that you aren’t some sort of control shopping addict, I don’t get how this happens. When I was young and broke I budgeted. I sat down every month and did my calculations and set aside essentials like rent/fares/food/bills. What was left was what I lived on. If I didn’t have it I didn’t spend it. I had an overdraft for emergencies but when I had to dip into it (‘new’ second hand cooker when the old one broke) I cut back until the OD was repaid. Where does the mentality of thinking it’s ok to spend money you don’t have on non-essential items come from?

I suspect the reason you are dreading the ‘lecture’ is combined guilt and shame. You know you have been irresponsible and don’t want to hear it said out loud.

YABU - I would feel very betrayed. He's been effectively subsiding you for years, and you're still overspending.

You need to:

i) Figure out how to live within your means. That means writing down every single outgoing you have in a month (maybe keep a spending diary?) and work out where you can make cuts until you're not spending more than is incoming. This will be esp important for mat leave.

ii) Get out of your overdraft. The good news is that £2000 is manageable... sort out things to sell - old clothes, go through the garage, stuff you no longer use. Try MSN and their debt-free wannabee pages. They often have ideas about how to make small amounts of extra cash. Could you start taking in ironing? Or do something in the run-up to xmas, like packs of home-made xmas cards to sell?

He has already given you a load of help and advice. As your DH he is responsible too. You still can't see it though can you?

Put yourself in his shoes and imagine he is the spender and you are trying to put water in the top knowing he is opening the tap at the bottom. Not so funny is it? I have a fear of debt and not being able to cover my bills so I get his point of view. I would also feel I couldn't trust you. Resentment will build if you don't get a grip. We all want nice things but the old saying about cutting your coat according to the cloth available is apt here.

You’re pissing your money up the wall op. If I was your oh I’d be furious about your spending, having to put all my money in the house that you were meant to be contributing to, hiding all this debt. And you’re still asking him if you can get a credit card!!?? You just don’t learn, do you? I’d have kicked you out of it were me. Now you’re pregnant with his baby so he’s tied to you for life. You’re irresponsible and dishonest. Stop trying to shift the blame on him!

So you’re married and having a baby but don’t have a shared bank account?

Normally I would query this, but under the circumstances it is just as well. The OP’s attitude towards money stinks. I would want to have a shared bank account with a profligate spender either.

Quite frankly “being rubbish with money” is a poor excuse. The OP needs to grow up and take responsibility.

My dh is the same as you

I'd literally end a relationship over this, but this man is trapped. There is now a baby on the way, and he didn't know the op was at it again.

To just keep taking from someone like this is awful.

If you cant manage your money have you tried withdrawing cash for your weekly disposable income? It's much easier to forget how much you have paid by card or contactless.

Dh thought the plan was to ramp up savings to cover mat leave. Now he realises the goal posts have moved by 2k. He has been quiet, not even angry. Yabvu.

Decide how much you can repay to overdraft each month then on pay day reduce overdraft limit by that amount (if bank allow it) or give that amount to dh to hold for you until you have the total. Go to him with a plan and he might feel a bit better. Take as much as you can from your personal money ie cutting back rather than reducing savings too.

I think he's been more than fair OP.

You chose to hide it from him and there's no excuse for just spending the way you do.I wouldn't want to get involved with someone with lots of debt unless it was student loans.

YABU. I was the same as you, got into debt in my 20s by living beyond my means. My husband helped me out of it and I am really grateful. I wouldn't get into debt now behind his back and make him sort my mess out again, it would be a major piss take.

Gosh - if my new dh had declared the debts as you did long after we got together I'd have left him. You haven't treated this man well at all.

I'd actually insist on him holding the purse strings tbh. Have all your salary put into his account. Have him transfer or draw out in cash your fun money every week.

I would be really annoyed if I was your dh, especially as you're going on mat leave soon. After mar leave there will extortionate nursery feels to pay- if you go back to work which sounds like you have no choice but to.

If your overdraft is only 2k can you not make a huge effort to clear most of this before baby comes? I think you need to show and commit to a change in spending behaviour- no bought lunches/ coffees/ beauty treatments- or whatever you spend your money in. WRT baby stuff, are you likely to overspend here also? It's really tempting to buy the 'best' and think your baby needs everything when in fact you can do it really sensibly.

Should I have told him about being so much in my overdraft?
Yes. It's a behaviour that affects the marriage and therefore you both. Its also something that he has worked hard to pull you out of before.
I knew he wouldn't be happy because of how touchy he is about debt
Lots of people are touchy about debt. You hid the debt from him early on so he didn't have full information about your attitude to debt before he committed to you. He helped you clear it because he is touchy about debt and because it affected you both.
but I feel like
In this situation his feelings are also valid, more so since it involves you hiding information and he was affected before by the 15 k
it is my overdraft
Not if he is being asked to backstop you for future payments. Or if he was planning how the family will survive on 1 income with the expense of a baby.
which I am working towards getting out of
This is really positive. Don't just tell him you are doing this, show him how it is realistically going to happen ( timescale etc). Stick to it.
so he doesn't need to be in a mood with me about it
You owe him a big apology though especially if you led him to believe that it woui happen again when he supported you to clear the 15k and get a mortgage.
and making me feel worse than I already do.
Because you must feel horrible. But honestly I think you need to apologise, say you will stop now and mean it. That will help.

He is also in an overdraft though!!!!

Babies dont have to cost a lot. Aldi nappies were always good. Cloth if you think you will be disciplined enough to only, or almost always, use them alone. Breastfeeding is free. Babygros instead of expensive uncomfortable outfits. So for the first six months your plan could work.

2,000 isn’t a huge amount in the scheme of thing, but it indicates a pattern of behaviour and a worrying attitude towards money. I think you might need to think about how you will manage your maternity leave. It might mean no coffees out or lunches out with other mums, or reduced ones. It would be difficult to have no social life at this new phase of your life but you need to be realistic over what you can afford to do.

What have you been spending it on.

Monthly income op please
Monthly standing orders/commitments please
What's over and where is it going

Yes, you have been out of order on the face of it but if you net 2k and he nets 4k and you are paying half each of all bills, esp if you have high commuting costs, then that's a different matter.

Typo ..led him to believe that it wouldn't happen again

on paper I have enough income to pay half the mortgage and bills, my personal outgoings and have some disposable left over

What exactly are you spending your money on OP? You need to keep a daily track of your spending and identify what you are doing with your money. Also how didn't your overdraft come out when you were applying for your mortgage? Did you hide the truth from your mortgage provider too?

Fucking hell. I'd be so angry with you. Get your shit together.

Why are you paying half of the mortgage if you’re earning less than your dh? Don’t you pool your resources?

It’s difficult to tell from your post whether or not you’re being unreasonable. If your dh is expecting you to pay half of everything, it’s not rocket science that this is unaffordable and hibu. OTOH if you’re getting yourself into debt buying lunch when you could take food from home and other stuff hinbu.

If be seriously considering leaving you. You've been very selfish and hid the truth.

Cannot believe your acting like the victim here. You fully deserve a lecture

Are you my DH???

This is very close to home (different timelines but similar nonetheless).

My DH has an overdraft of £500 and lives in it. After abusing my CC and me having to pay it, I will not offer to help him pay it but help him manage it.

For example, he's changed his phone contract so he'll give me the saving to me and I'll put it aside. Once we have £100 he'll pay it to his overdraft and cancel that £100.

I'm the bigger earner as well (like your DH) and believe me from his POV it is annoying that you try to manage your household income but because you're "not great with money" you keep your lifestyle (even if it's just a coffee!) While we try to cover everything else. I'm projecting a bit I know.

Not much advice, but please be honest with your DH, always show gratitude (which I'm sure you do) and come up with a plan together and stick to it.

If you're willing let him manage your money until you get over your bad spending habits.

I'm not surprised that he isn't upset. It's quite deceitful to hid debt like that. And an overdraft is debt. It isn't money you earnt.

But moving forward I would say that you are at a good point to make changes. Maternity leave means that you can cut back on expenses while you are at home. You can spend less on groceries, cook more, batch cook with cheaper ingredients, do more free activities that are available during the day, use the car less and walk with the baby in the buggy, use money saving website so and vouchers. Just look at the timings as a positive. Babies do not cost a lot. Children do though
as they get older so get a grip on your bad money habits now.

Don't beat yourself up. Just apologise to your partner and make changes.

You’ve been incredibly manipulative to have hidden this and then got pregnant. Making it very difficult for him to end your relationship.

After so many chances and so much financial support from him, in his shoes I’d be walking away if you weren’t pregnant. You’ve behaved appallingly and I’m shocked you can’t see that.

I wouldn't wait for DH to open the conversation OP. Sit yourself down and come up with a plan how you intend to pay back the overdraft and open the conversation yourself. Apologise to him for deceiving him.

You have had really good advice from PPs. You should follow it.