Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby - his mum wants to meet me for coffee. Do I go?

122 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 11/10/2019 14:37

So I'm 12 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby, who was with for just under a year, left me around four weeks ago. His mother did not like me and made things very difficult for me during my pregnancy as she did not want the child or for my ex to be a dad, and when he split with me, a lot of what he said had come from her mouth. The whole family deleted me off of all social media and his mother posted some very nasty things about me online, and I hadn't heard from them since. The baby's dad blocked me on everything, and so I assumed they all wanted nothing to do with it.

I haven't been in contact with them but decided to go through with the pregnancy alone because it is a much wanted baby - a miracle baby as I thought I couldn't have children! I had my 12 week scan yesterday and everything was amazing, baby so healthy, moving around like crazy. And so I decided to announce online that I was expecting, and have had so many supportive messages.

But then today I woke up to a message from my ex's mum (still no contact from him), who had obviously seen my post (not sure if she's looking at my facebook or if someone else told her, we don't have any friends in common), and she messaged me being extra nice, asking if we could chat, that she'd be very grateful if I met with her.

I know she's my baby's biological grandmother but I just don't know what to think? I would never want to stop the dad having anything to do with our baby but he has made it clear - and still is - that he isn't having anything to do with it. The mother has treated me appallingly and my own family are very upset that she has messaged because she caused me a lot of stress and upset.

I'm not sure whether to go and give her a chance? It kind of feels awkward as the dad still hasn't got in touch, and I also have only just come to terms with the fact I'm doing it alone and yesterday was such a happy, special day for me that I just don't want to be dragged down to where I was a few weeks ago.

Do I go, or do I say no?

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 11/10/2019 14:41

No. She slagged you off on the internet and made it clear she and his family didn’t want to be in your life.
Save yourself some future heartache and cut her off. You don’t have to reply.

IggyAce · 11/10/2019 14:45

I wouldn’t reply and I would block her so she can’t contact you again.

FriedasCarLoad · 11/10/2019 14:47

Maybe agree to meet up but say you’ll be bringing along a friend for moral support, given the way she’s treated you previously.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/10/2019 14:49

I'd be inclined to focus on being healthy and having a healthy baby; part of that is reducing stress so I'd block her as she's doesn't have your best interests at heart.

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/10/2019 14:49

I understand the urge to tell her to fuck off, and as there's a fair chance she's going to be nasty to you I'd take someone else along and meet in a very public place.

But I'd give her a hearing.

And then decide whether to cut her off.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 11/10/2019 14:52

Nope, I wouldn't go. She had her chance to act like a decent human being and she blew it. I'd block her and move on and have nothing to do with her.

If you do decide to go, do what pp said and take someone with you. Given the way she has behaved previously you've no idea what she's going to say or try and make you do.

TheSunAlsoRises · 11/10/2019 14:53

Not a chance I would go. She isn't going to be nice to you.

TheMarschallin · 11/10/2019 14:53

To be frank I reckon she will try to persuade you to have a termination.

So no, I would not see her.

Or if you feel you must, talk her you’ll meet up with her in the 3rd trimester.

TheSunAlsoRises · 11/10/2019 14:54

Congratulations Cake

SmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 11/10/2019 14:54

If you do, do it on your terms. You choose the place (as public as you can get).
She starts saying anything nasty, you get up and leave. No second chances. Make sure you pay for your coffee before you sit down, so you don't have to faff around paying when you want to walk away!

allthesharks · 11/10/2019 14:54

Hmmm, maybe now that she's certain you will continue with the pregnancy she wants to have some involvement with her grandchild. I probably wouldn't meet her, as you don't know what she's going to say and she could be a bitch again, but I'd maybe give her a chance some other way - maybe if a friend of yours could talk to her to find out what she wants?

Cornishmum00 · 11/10/2019 14:55

I would go but take a friend or relative for support and be prepared to leave immediately if she starts having a go at you. At least then nobody (including her) can say you havent tried

99BehaviourProblems · 11/10/2019 14:57

I’d tell her it would be too upsetting but that if she really wants to speak then she can chat to you on the phone at a certain date/time if she has something important to say. There is no way I’d meet up with her.

Stephminx · 11/10/2019 14:57

She’s asked pleasantly. Go, hear her out and take someone for moral support.

Contact with ex, family etc should always be for the benefit of the child. Even if you do not like them, you should all try to get along (obviously not if abusive, safety concerns etc). She may have gotten over her shock and could end up being a source of support for you and the baby (even if the father is feckless).

If she’s not, then at least you can look your child in the eye and say you tried.

readitandwept · 11/10/2019 14:58

Nah. She's seen it's out in the open and wants to minimise the gossip about her son and her having nothing to do with the baby, or she's decided she better play the doting grandma since you're going ahead. Either way, this meeting is all for her benefit and you owe her nothing.

She's obviously a horrible woman and someone your baby doesn't need in its life right now. Maybe in time she'll truly realise the error of her ways and you can start again, but I don't think that time is now.

GinNotGym19 · 11/10/2019 14:58

No I wouldn’t. She will stab you in the back. If the dad sees the baby she can see it then!
She’s being nice now but she’s already shown you her true colours and intentions and I wouldn’t get involved with her

LightDrizzle · 11/10/2019 14:59

Another vote for block and ignore. She had her chance to show she could be supportive.
She still dislikes you presumably, as nothing has changed, it’s just penetrated her thick skull that your baby is of her precious blood and she needs to play nice to have access. She won’t stay nice. Do you want a future tug of love with a grandma who has no respect for you and may try an alienate your baby?
Maybe she’ll be nicer to the next girlfriend.

Crimearino · 11/10/2019 15:00

I would go personally, she is going to be a grandma after all (technically).

But if you do please make sure that you go somewhere very public or bring a friend incase things get heated. If you don't like what she has to say then at least you've given her a chance and won't have this uncertainty. You can cut them all out of your life and be happy with baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 15:01

I'd be wary of declining in case she used it as another way to spout off online about you.

Choose the place, bring a friend. It could be that she has had a change of heart, wants to apologise and is embarrassed.

She'd get a final chance from me.

Rachelover60 · 11/10/2019 15:02

I'd go, everyone deserves another chance and she must have a good side, everyone does. It was probably a very difficult situation for her but now she has had time to get used to it and might regret how she has been. It won't hurt you to be the bigger person on one occasion and if you still feel she isn't in your, or your baby's, favour you don't have to see her again.

Congratulations Flowers and I hope your pregnancy is a smooth one. I hope you do have some family support not too far away.

Windydaysuponus · 11/10/2019 15:03

No no just no.
Ex left me during pregnancy. Ils sucked me back in.
They were never around when ds was born. Ex was a twat until we split years later.
Walk away op. Remember she has no rights to your baby.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 15:04

she caused me a lot of stress and upset
No OP don't meet her.
Don't even respond to her message.
Block all of them on everything so none of them can contact you.
She slandered you all over Social media.
She doesn't like you.
She doesn't want you to have the baby.
Sod giving her another chance OP.
She can get to fuck!
Protect yourself and your DC from all of them.
They sound toxic.
STOP being so nice.
You are becoming a mum and you need to know what to look out for in order to protect your DC.
This woman is vile and does not deserve anything from you at all.

LemonPrism · 11/10/2019 15:05

Middle of a busy coffee shop, don't take any food or drink that she has or has carried, but I would meet her

Robs20 · 11/10/2019 15:05

I’d be interested to see what she wants, and would take great pleasure in telling her a) to get lost if she suggests a termination b) that as she has been so vile you don’t expect to stay in touch with her.

Bouffalant · 11/10/2019 15:07

I'd simply reply "No. You posted X Y Z about me on the internet. Why would I want to meet with someone who does that".