Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby - his mum wants to meet me for coffee. Do I go?

122 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 11/10/2019 14:37

So I'm 12 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby, who was with for just under a year, left me around four weeks ago. His mother did not like me and made things very difficult for me during my pregnancy as she did not want the child or for my ex to be a dad, and when he split with me, a lot of what he said had come from her mouth. The whole family deleted me off of all social media and his mother posted some very nasty things about me online, and I hadn't heard from them since. The baby's dad blocked me on everything, and so I assumed they all wanted nothing to do with it.

I haven't been in contact with them but decided to go through with the pregnancy alone because it is a much wanted baby - a miracle baby as I thought I couldn't have children! I had my 12 week scan yesterday and everything was amazing, baby so healthy, moving around like crazy. And so I decided to announce online that I was expecting, and have had so many supportive messages.

But then today I woke up to a message from my ex's mum (still no contact from him), who had obviously seen my post (not sure if she's looking at my facebook or if someone else told her, we don't have any friends in common), and she messaged me being extra nice, asking if we could chat, that she'd be very grateful if I met with her.

I know she's my baby's biological grandmother but I just don't know what to think? I would never want to stop the dad having anything to do with our baby but he has made it clear - and still is - that he isn't having anything to do with it. The mother has treated me appallingly and my own family are very upset that she has messaged because she caused me a lot of stress and upset.

I'm not sure whether to go and give her a chance? It kind of feels awkward as the dad still hasn't got in touch, and I also have only just come to terms with the fact I'm doing it alone and yesterday was such a happy, special day for me that I just don't want to be dragged down to where I was a few weeks ago.

Do I go, or do I say no?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 11/10/2019 21:20

No I wouldn’t go. Don’t put yourself in a stress inducing environment you have your little one to think about now.

My sister went through a similar scenario with her little girl and she met the mother and the mother actually offered my sister MONEY and a fucking PUPPY in exchange for getting a termination! Disgusting.

Not saying your ex’s mum will do this but I wouldn’t bother going incase it turns ugly.

DonKeyshot · 11/10/2019 21:51

Send her a message saying that as you're still processing her hostility towards you, and her son's behaviour since you told him of your pregnancy, you're not willing to meet her at the present time but you will contact her again at some future date when you are able to come to terms with the unnecessary stress that has been caused to you.

This should determine whether her apparent change of heart is genuine, or whether she continues to make demands or pressure you.

Please note that no matter what hormones are swirling around after the birth, ON NO ACCCOUNT should you consider putting his name as father on the birth certificate or giving the child anything other than your surname.

If you ignore the above advice on your head be it as you, and you alone, will be setting yourself up for 18 years of unreasonable demands in relation to every aspect of your child's life.

If he wants to be named as father of your child he can apply to the courts and if, however unlikely, you marry this knobhead your child's birth certificate can be amended to show him as father.

Bourbonbiccy · 11/10/2019 23:12

ON NO ACCCOUNT should you consider putting his name as father on the birth certificate

He is the father and the child has a right to be able to track who their father is.

category12 · 11/10/2019 23:27

The child can still be told and know who their father is, without it being on the birth certificate.

Ruderidinghood · 11/10/2019 23:31

No. Don't go. Don't be rude either though. You can either ignore her. Or respond very politely saying that although you would love to meet that it is a really busy time at the moment but that you'll.let her know when you're free. Then leave it at that.

DonKeyshot · 12/10/2019 00:05

If the OP names him as father on the birth certificate she will be handing him shared parental responsibility on a plate, Bourbonbiccy.

In any event, being unmarried she cannot name the father unless he attends the Registry Office with her.

Failing to name the father on a birth certificate does not mean that she should deny her child knowledge of who its father is, nor does it prohibit her from claiming child maintenance payments and she should complete the necessary application as soon as possible after the birth.

SpinneyHill · 12/10/2019 00:13

'Given the hostility you've shown to me I will need some assurances that you understand I don't owe you anything except being polite while receiving an apology because I wasn't dragged up in the same car park you and your children were. I am having your grandchild and if you want contact it will be on my terms not yours as you have already shown how spiteful you can be and I can't be bothered with it now, let alone when I've had a baby"

No you don't go, she wants to see your baby more than you want to see her. She has treated you like shit so you need evidence she is capable of being decent, you are not her family and if she wants to be in yours she needs to put the effort in.

SpinneyHill · 12/10/2019 00:25

Spoiler alert...Mumsnet posts like this don't mention that this baby will still be there in 18 yrs and his family will still want to be a part of her life. Don't shut them out completely, but be aware over the years things will change.

Grandma may adore baby, Aunties/friends his new GF etc may turn out to be more helpful/trusted then predicted, you may get ill

Grandma is likely panicking about new grandchild she knows she will adore more then her own kids, being kept away from her because she's been a cunt.

She may want to offer you 50,000 to leave her son alone

Fuck her either way, you've got the baby so you've got the time,collateral and reasons to ignore her selfish delusional bullshit.

No reason to meet her, she can write you a letter, tell her " I want it in a letter Why you want to talk to me and what you want, so I can show baby in 16 years if necessary"]

Accept you are the parent of a baby, you are not in competition

BarbedBloom · 12/10/2019 00:37

Talk to her on the phone. If you do go, I agree with advice not to eat or drink anything she has access to. Paranoid, but I wouldn't trust this woman at all

C0untDucku1a · 12/10/2019 00:43

Im sorry that doesnt work cor me. What iz it you want to talk about?

Someoneontheweb · 12/10/2019 01:11

Another vote for no way I'd meet her. Anything she wants to say can be said in writing.

AgentJohnson · 12/10/2019 07:41

Hell no! She’s going to have to do a lot more than send a summons.

Send her a message saying that given her past behaviour, you are protecting your unborn child against further stress and will not be going.

If she wants to be afforded the curtesy of you meeting her for coffee, then she Is going to demonstrate a level of contriteness that is lacking in her request.

Shoxfordian · 12/10/2019 08:22

No, I'd block her as well
She was nasty to you, why would you want her around your baby?

HugTrees · 12/10/2019 08:28

I wouldn’t go. If I did I would absolutely take a friend.

She’s only doing it to save face. Her friend and family have found it she’s going to be a grandmother and she can’t exactly tell them she was abusive to you, encouraged your BF to leave you and wanted you to terminate! She is only getting back in touch to save face with her friends.

It’s easier for you and your child actually having no contact than minimal. Not meeting her now and having no contact through the pregnancy means your child never has to be exposed to this toxic dynamic in the future

Tippety · 12/10/2019 08:29

If you're not comfortable (understandable) then I wouldn't, but if you're curious could you phone her? Not ideal I know, but if you're not arsed what she has to say (also understandable) then don't.

Bourbonbiccy · 12/10/2019 08:37

If the OP names him as father on the birth certificate she will be handing him shared parental responsibility on a plate, Bourbonbiccy.

He is a shared parent and unless he chooses to relinquish that or his behaviour towards the child is that to its detriment, then he should have rights to his child.

In any event, being unmarried she cannot name the father unless he attends the Registry Office with her.

Again so unless his behaviour is of danger or detriment to the child, tell them when you are registering the birth so the ball is in their court to attend or not

Failing to name the father on a birth certificate does not mean that she should deny her child knowledge of who its father is,

A mother should not try to obstruct the correct completion if the document that ultimately is information about the child, for the child.

NoParticularPattern · 12/10/2019 08:41

I’d this was the first she had heard of the baby then I might be inclined to meet her. Since it’s not and she’s been nothing but horrible to you I’d just ignore the message and block her. She had her chance to be a nice, normal human being when she was first told. I don’t imagine for a single second that she’s suddenly had a personality transplant, do you?

PlasticPatty · 12/10/2019 08:48

My first thought was 'Do you like coffee?'

Then I read your post. The woman has behaved appallingly. What's she going to do if you meet up? Try to persuade you to terminate? Insist he/they won't give you any support (not that you expected any)? Insinuate it's someone else's baby? Physically attack you? Try to claim your newborn for overnights - that seems to happen a lot to MNers?

Block. Ignore. You've got this, you don't need her.

Roselilly36 · 12/10/2019 08:49

I would go, alone and meet her and see what she has to say.

Definitely somewhere public, coffee shop etc and if I didn’t like the conversation, just get up and walk out.

SaveKevin · 12/10/2019 08:57

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. He can be a complete no show dad but still get to decide if you can take your child abroad on holiday - sod that!
It gives him a say on schools, medical care, where the op lives. Yet he could never see his child.

If he proves to be a good dad he can be added but removal, its only happened once or twice in this country.

frazzledasarock · 12/10/2019 08:57

I don’t get why people would give this woman another chance and meet her.

I would not go

I would not reply

Make sure all your social media is set to private and completely locked down.

Block all ex and his family from your social media.

I’d give the baby my surname

I’d apply for CMS so the ex contributes towards financially supporting his child regardless.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Ronnie27 · 12/10/2019 09:08

Not a chance. She’s been evil to you, getting in his head and slagging you off publicly. She doesn’t get to call the shots here on whether she deigns to accept your baby, awful woman. I wouldn’t reply at all, if I did I’d tell her any communication that needs to take place can do so between the baby’s parents - it isn’t any of her business.

category12 · 12/10/2019 09:08

Bourbonbiccy, the benefit to the child of naming the father on the birth certificate is a fully filled in bit of paper. That's it.

While it automatically gives a father the right to interfere in their lives and yet potentially bring nothing positive. Just no. Why on earth would you prioritise the paperwork over everything else, and claim it benefits the child? Bollocks.

Ginger1982 · 12/10/2019 09:09

I would have probably gone if her nastiness had occurred before she knew you were pregnant as I might have thought that knowledge had changed her view. But the fact she has known all along and chosen to be vile would make me say no.

Juells · 12/10/2019 09:11

Well, the OP has disappeared.

For what it's worth, I agree with pp who think the only reason the ex's mother would want to meet up is so she can advise the OP to have a termination "for everyone's sake".

Swipe left for the next trending thread