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Original poster

Pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby - his mum wants to meet me for coffee. Do I go?

122 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 11/10/2019 14:37

So I'm 12 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby, who was with for just under a year, left me around four weeks ago. His mother did not like me and made things very difficult for me during my pregnancy as she did not want the child or for my ex to be a dad, and when he split with me, a lot of what he said had come from her mouth. The whole family deleted me off of all social media and his mother posted some very nasty things about me online, and I hadn't heard from them since. The baby's dad blocked me on everything, and so I assumed they all wanted nothing to do with it.

I haven't been in contact with them but decided to go through with the pregnancy alone because it is a much wanted baby - a miracle baby as I thought I couldn't have children! I had my 12 week scan yesterday and everything was amazing, baby so healthy, moving around like crazy. And so I decided to announce online that I was expecting, and have had so many supportive messages.

But then today I woke up to a message from my ex's mum (still no contact from him), who had obviously seen my post (not sure if she's looking at my facebook or if someone else told her, we don't have any friends in common), and she messaged me being extra nice, asking if we could chat, that she'd be very grateful if I met with her.

I know she's my baby's biological grandmother but I just don't know what to think? I would never want to stop the dad having anything to do with our baby but he has made it clear - and still is - that he isn't having anything to do with it. The mother has treated me appallingly and my own family are very upset that she has messaged because she caused me a lot of stress and upset.

I'm not sure whether to go and give her a chance? It kind of feels awkward as the dad still hasn't got in touch, and I also have only just come to terms with the fact I'm doing it alone and yesterday was such a happy, special day for me that I just don't want to be dragged down to where I was a few weeks ago.

Do I go, or do I say no?

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 11/10/2019 15:43

I wouldn't meet her. I think you need to look at the bigger picture. If your ex is ever involved then he can deal with his side of the family. If you have your own family/friends as a support network I wouldn't add the complication of in laws who aren't even that anymore. They cut contact not you and they need to live with that. You weren't welcomed when you were together so I can't see it being any different in the future. Don't open yourself up to the aggravation/heartache/upset of spending time with people who clearly couldn't care less about you as they caused you stress in the early and most dangerous stage of pregnancy.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 11/10/2019 15:45

She’s 100% going to try to persuade you to terminate.

I’d go to give her a fair hearing and so I could hand on heart say to my dc that I kept every door open for a relationship with that side of their family.

Further down the line I’d also be putting through a CMS claim regardless of how the dust settles with his family.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 15:47

I'd want to hear it from her lips that she wanted me to terminate. Perfect ammo for when the requests/demands for her to have the baby (and any online slagging about how you won't let her have the baby) can be retorted to with "is that the baby you wanted me to abort?"

letsjog · 11/10/2019 15:48

Ask yourself this: WHY would you want to meet her?

Do you want to potentially mend the relationship and let her see your DC once they arrive?

Are you prepared for her to try and tell you to terminate/ accuse you of baby not being her DSs/ be demanding about seeing baby or advocating for your ex to have parental rights or for herself as she might thing she has a "right" to see your DC?

Are you prepared that she might try and get you suckered back in and then completely override you parental decisions, cross boundaries and keep demanding overnights/alone time/whatever you're not comfortable with re DC?

Do YOU want to see her/speak to her/ have a potential relationship after what she did?

Are you in the right frame of mind to deal with any of the above possibilities?

Best of luck whatever you decide op and Congratulations on your pregnancy!

ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 11/10/2019 15:52

I’d be open to meeting somewhere public on your terms, and she must be alone.

You can walk away if needed.

She might even want to apologise. Who knows. You’ve seen her character though, so it’s right to be wary

Sleepyhead19 · 11/10/2019 15:57

I would reply asking what it is she wants to speak to you about. Make a decision from that. Personally, I wouldn’t go. She has slagged you off and the son wants nothing to do with the baby so could cause trouble. Of course her message will be nice because she can’t ask you to meet and be nasty in the message.
You are busy growing a human. You don’t need the stress. Think of yourself and baby. What kind of grandmother do you think she will be if she brought up her son to refuse to take responsibility for his actions?

Jaxhog · 11/10/2019 16:05

I'd go, but take a good friend with you. Then if things get nasty, she can drag you away.

Tavannach · 11/10/2019 16:13

No, don't go just now.
It's possible she wants to make amends, but I think it's more likely she wants to protect her son's interests. He will be liable to pay child support.
Thank her for getting in touch, tell her that her rudeness was hurtful and that you don't want any stress just now. You understand her interest in her grandchild and you'll be in touch when the baby's arrived safely. And then ignore her.

btw if you're planning on moving do it before the baby's born.

Gingerbread for useful advice

child maintenance

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 11/10/2019 16:21

Congratulations!
Dont put anything about a potential delivery date online so you have some peace when he/she arrives!

Selmababies · 11/10/2019 16:24

That;sreally excellent advice from @Tavannach.

Chunkers · 11/10/2019 16:28

I personally wouldn’t want anything to do with her. She already showed you who she is (the whole family did). Now she has realised there is a chubby cheeked baby up for grabs she is being all nicely nicely. She will keep this up until she gets her hands on the baby, then she will turn again. I would get as far away as possible from the lot of them and definitely don’t put him on the birth certificate.

sueelleker · 11/10/2019 16:31

She probably wants the baby, but not you.

lunar1 · 11/10/2019 16:34

I'd go but take a friend

Jellybeansincognito · 11/10/2019 16:47

No I wouldn’t go. If the dad doesn’t want to know, he’s extending that to his family.

They’ve been disgusting towards you, you owe them nothing.

Cwoffee · 11/10/2019 16:48

Given the way she's treated you I personally wouldn't want to meet her if I was in your shoes. She sounds like a horrible piece of work and no great loss to your child.

However, if you decide that you do want to hear her out then I would speak to her on the phone rather than meet her. There is nothing she can say to you in the flesh that she can't say over the phone. Do not meet her on your own whatever you do.

Jellybeansincognito · 11/10/2019 16:55

I wouldn’t ignore her though- it’ll be awkward in the future if he wants involvement.

Message her back and say ‘Thank you for your kind message, unfortunately though due to past behaviour I’m concerned about the motive towards your change of tune, x also isn’t interested and ultimately it would be confusing for our child to have involvement with you but not their own father.
I’m sorry that he’s made this decision and it effects you but I am not willing to discuss this any further’

Elliebobtail · 11/10/2019 16:56

I’d hear her out and take a friend for support.

DancingWithDogs · 11/10/2019 17:01

I wouldn't meet her. I'd speak to her on the phone to find out what it is she has to say.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/10/2019 17:08

I’d reply wirh “thank you for the message, however I don’t think there is anything that needs to be discussed that can’t be discussed via email or messages so there’s really no point in meeting up. If you have anything you want to talk about in regards to the baby please feel free to message me”.

Deathraystare · 11/10/2019 17:13

Some on here are assuming she may have changed her mind (the Mother). But if she hasn't, she just wants to make sure you know they will have nothing to do with you then you would sound silly for assuming she wanted a 'nice' chat.

I think just ask why, after those horrible remarks from her and the fact that your ex wants nothing to do with you, why she thinks you would want any contact?

Mary1935 · 11/10/2019 17:19

Hi OP congratulations to you. I wouldn’t go - they sound cruel and toxic and have had nothing positive to say. She is being the middleman for her son - they probably are worried you will claim maintainace.
Block them - who cares if she wants to now be grandma.
She has no legal right to see the child.
What name are you going to put on the birth certificate - I know I’m thinking ahead.
You sound like you have a supportive family.

ChristmasFluff · 11/10/2019 17:26

If you do want to give them a chance to be involved, tell her you will meet, but only after she has apologised for the things she has said. And say you will require her to repeat her apology in person when you meet. Her next message will tell you all you need to know.

In no circumstances meet her unless she apologises. If she doesn't also apologise to your face when you meet, or if she shows any sign of disrespect, then walk away.

These people sound awful and sometimes it is better for a child to NOT have contact with awful people.

Bourbonbiccy · 11/10/2019 17:46

I would go, I would take a friend if you feel venerable. I do like what @FriedasCarLoad said so it gets the point that she was horrible and you have not forgotten.

I would give her the chance to try and explain, if she treats you badly again at least you know you did everything you could for your baby to be involved with its Nan, but she spoiled it.

I don't agree with keeping children to their family, unless of course they are in danger or its detrimental to their wellbeing. So here is her chance to step up and prove herself.

5LeafClover · 11/10/2019 18:04

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't ring up either - you need to protect yourself from stress. Tavernachs message and advice is good.

This doesn't sound like the start of apology meeting at all to me... because if it was the invitation would have been different.

category12 · 11/10/2019 18:11

I don't think I'd meet her - I'd ask her what she wants to discuss and suggest she emails. Any bullying behaviour is then documented.