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Original poster

Pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby - his mum wants to meet me for coffee. Do I go?

122 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 11/10/2019 14:37

So I'm 12 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby, who was with for just under a year, left me around four weeks ago. His mother did not like me and made things very difficult for me during my pregnancy as she did not want the child or for my ex to be a dad, and when he split with me, a lot of what he said had come from her mouth. The whole family deleted me off of all social media and his mother posted some very nasty things about me online, and I hadn't heard from them since. The baby's dad blocked me on everything, and so I assumed they all wanted nothing to do with it.

I haven't been in contact with them but decided to go through with the pregnancy alone because it is a much wanted baby - a miracle baby as I thought I couldn't have children! I had my 12 week scan yesterday and everything was amazing, baby so healthy, moving around like crazy. And so I decided to announce online that I was expecting, and have had so many supportive messages.

But then today I woke up to a message from my ex's mum (still no contact from him), who had obviously seen my post (not sure if she's looking at my facebook or if someone else told her, we don't have any friends in common), and she messaged me being extra nice, asking if we could chat, that she'd be very grateful if I met with her.

I know she's my baby's biological grandmother but I just don't know what to think? I would never want to stop the dad having anything to do with our baby but he has made it clear - and still is - that he isn't having anything to do with it. The mother has treated me appallingly and my own family are very upset that she has messaged because she caused me a lot of stress and upset.

I'm not sure whether to go and give her a chance? It kind of feels awkward as the dad still hasn't got in touch, and I also have only just come to terms with the fact I'm doing it alone and yesterday was such a happy, special day for me that I just don't want to be dragged down to where I was a few weeks ago.

Do I go, or do I say no?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 11/10/2019 15:08

No way would I go, she is being nice to persuade you to meet her.

If you want along her claws would be out along with her appealing attitude.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Rainbowshine · 11/10/2019 15:09

If you feel you want to know what she wants, ask her to communicate what she wants to talk about in writing first before you’ll even consider any type of meeting.

I agree she’s going to try to persuade you to terminate the pregnancy.

If I were you I’d block and claim to have never received the message.

TilandPop · 11/10/2019 15:10

I wouldn’t, she’s made her opinion clear

Clangus00 · 11/10/2019 15:11

I would meet her but as others have said very publicly and definitely take someone with you like your own mum. If she starts any nonsense or threats leave immediately and block her straight away.
Good luck!

PanamaPattie · 11/10/2019 15:14

Nope. My guess is that she is going to offer you money for a termination or to stay away from the family. She will try to persuade you not to claim any money from the ex or claim child support. Sorry to be blunt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 15:15

You could ask her why she wants to meet and why she’s changed her mind after slagging you off.

BumbleBeee69 · 11/10/2019 15:15

No she wants you to terminate, do not meet this woman.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 11/10/2019 15:16

Hell no. I'd block her on Facebook too.

mummmy2017 · 11/10/2019 15:17

Tell her anything she has to say can be done in writing.
Protect yourself and your baby.
Because once you meet once, she will think she has rights.
If she is truly sorry she will say that in a message.

Drum2018 · 11/10/2019 15:18

No. I would not respond. I'd block her from contacting you. If your ex ever makes contact it's up to you if you want him involved, however his mother can fuck right off after the way she treated you previously. I wouldn't trust her.

LemonBreeland · 11/10/2019 15:19

Hell no. She will try and convince you to have termination. There is no good to come of this.

mrsmoppp · 11/10/2019 15:21

Congratulations on your miracle baby 😁
If I was you I would go and meet her but take somebody along with you. Shes reached out so I would give her a chance. It would drive me nuts if I didn't go as I would always been wondering what she had to say

SonEtLumiere · 11/10/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaileySherman · 11/10/2019 15:23

Congratulations! As for the paternal grandmother, if I were you, I would not be bothered to meet with someone who had been rude and disrespectful to me in the past. It would be a different story if you were with the father and wanted to keep the peace for his sake, but it doesn't sound like he's anyone worth going out of your way for. If he decides to be a part of the baby's lufe, then he can arrange for whatever relationship the child will have with his parents. Right now your focus needs to be on you and the baby. Your emotional, physical, financial and spiritual health. You don't have time for any nonsense from unsupportive people. Good luck to you and the babe for a happy and healthy pregnancy!

1forAll74 · 11/10/2019 15:23

I would have probably gone to meet up with her, if she had phoned,and not through any messages on line. All this stuff on social media would do my head in. But you are obviously torn about what to do ,and only you can decide the outcome.

You sound happy about your baby,and going it alone so to speak,so with those thoughts,you have the upper hand in everything.

littlepaddypaws · 11/10/2019 15:28

one thing to be thankful for you weren't married...

KOKOtiltomorrow · 11/10/2019 15:29

@Idontknowwhattodo2 firstly many congratulations on your pregnancyFlowers. She may or may not have good intentions. Her son could have been feeding her lies about you. Who knows? Most important thing is your physical and mental health . I’d be inclined to say “no thanks, you’ve been detrimental to my wellbeing and I have no wish for that to continue” and leave it. If she has good intentions she will accept this and then you can decide in the future if you want your DC to have a relationship with the fathers side of the family.

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 15:29

Congratulations!

I think I'd go. The idea of you having the baby and the reality are two very different things. Maybe she genuinely would like to be involved.
You don't know what her son told her about you.

Give her the chance - for your baby if nothing else.

Anothernotherone · 11/10/2019 15:30

I think it is a good idea to met with her but only

  1. in a public place, such as a cafe, during the day time
  2. with your own mother or father or a confident, assertive but polite and calm friend arriving with you and present with you the whole time.

It's a good idea for your future child to keep the channels of communication with the source of 50% of his or her DNA open. You don't owe your child's grandmother a single thing, certainly not a relationship with your child given how she's behaved, but you do owe your future child a link to their genetic background if possible.

However you need to protect yourself against any attempt at bullying, intimidation or manipulation.

sue51 · 11/10/2019 15:31

I think I would ask what the purpose of the meeting would be before I made my mind up. Be very wary though.

HeyNotInMyName · 11/10/2019 15:31

No, dont meet up with her.

If somebody needs to be involved its your ex (not the least because he needs to pay CM).

SantaIsReal · 11/10/2019 15:35

Personally I would go just to see what she has to say for herself however I would be bringing along a friend for moral support and/or back up.
It is understandable why you wouldn't want to go and ultimately it is down to you.

TabithasMumCaroline · 11/10/2019 15:35

What are the laws on termination then? I thought unless there was a proven risk the op is past that date?
I would meet her. I would assume that she’s come to terms with the fact that her son is going to be a father and she wants to apologize. I’d give her the opportunity to do so. She’s going to be linked to your child for the rest of his/ her life so I think you both need to deal with it like adults from this point on. If she turns out not to be able to do so, then at least you tried. I certainly wouldn’t be refusing point blank and then allowing her to poison your child’s mind with ‘we love you very much but mummy wouldn’t let us have anything to do with you - we had to take her to take her to court so we could see you’’
What’s done is done. At least give her the chance to make amends if that’s her intent. If it turns out not to be, then at least you know.
And yes, take a friend. As a witness more than anything else, but try to approach it in a spirit of openness and not in a bodyguarded need of protection way. She can’t harm you. You can listen calmly and leave if she turns out to be attempting to do anything other than apologize.
You don’t really know why she reacted so badly - the piss poor speed dinir she raised may have convinced her that you deliberately got pg by underhand means to ensnare him blah blah. (Yes, any sensible mother of sons should respond ‘why weren’t you wearing a condom?’ but he was clearly intent on running away from his responsibilities)
Life is too short to build in a litany of issues with grandparents in the first trimester.

mammabearandhercubs · 11/10/2019 15:36

I wouldn't op.

ControversialFerret · 11/10/2019 15:42

Message back:

No, it's not a good idea. After the things that you have said about me online, I am not comfortable meeting up with you.

Then block her and all of his family, and don't tell them anything.