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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Habit of ignoring

144 replies

ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 15:09

Hi! I'm just after a bit of advice really. I've been with my DP for just under three years. We don't live together, but do spend as much time as we can together (as much as work, kids, activities allow). Both have kids (not together). As far as a partner goes, he is great. I won't list his qualities but he's never given me any problems! Amazing with my kids too.

I'm just a little confused about something that happens now and again. If I can think back it probably happens about 3 or 4 times a year. We never argue, but on occasion he hasn't liked something that has happened and then decided to just ignore me. When I say something that has happened, I mean a bit of a disagreement on something (which like i said, doesn't happen a lot).

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works. These silences have lasted between a few hours or a week or so.

This has happened today after a minor disagreement last night . I haven't done my usual texting him first to try and get things back to normal, but have instead text him and said along the lines of text me when you decide to grow up because I can't be doing with people that have tantrums etc.

I'm now wondering whether I shouldn't have text him this, as last night could have been my fault (who knows, I wasn't expecting to fall out over such a little thing)? This doesn't happen a lot so maybe I shouldn't have said anything like this? I'm just confused and thinking maybe I should apologise for sending that message Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 15:45

@hellsbellsmelons He does nothing for me really. Change a lightbulb if I ask. Look after my little one if I need to pop to the local shop. Pick up some bread on his way over if ask.

No he doesn't contribute anything towards the house. I notice my food goes down considerably quicker when he's here. And he'll moan if I run out of snacks.

We are going abroad next week so I'm not sure how he's going to play this one Hmm

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/11/2019 15:48

OP,

He's using and abusing you while he saved for his deposit.

Please give your head a shake.

Surely you can see you deserve more than this sulky, mean little man.

💐

Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 16:12

@billy1966 He's saying he's saving for a deposit for us to live together, but he'll be saving for a while because there's no chance I'm selling my house to buy one with him whilst he acts like this Confused

OP posts:
pooopypants · 07/11/2019 16:19

Stop bowing down to him and his childish tantrums. They're just that - tantrums. My 3 year old gets put on the naughty step when he does this and he bloody learns.

Go on holiday without him - it'll be his loss.

You ought to lose weigh OP - approx 13 stone should do it. Kick his pathetic, childish, prickish arse to the kerb. Dramatic behaviour like this is for tennagers. You're enabling his behaviour by texting him, he'll string you along and leave you a shell of yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2019 16:20

OMG do not move in with him. Do not buy a house with him,

He's a big sulky man-baby.

Eats all your food.

Doesn't contribute.

Moans when you 'run out of snacks'!? Cheeky fucker!

Jesus, you've got a right one there. Just end it, you'll get sucked back into the cycle during the holiday.

Stand up for yourself and have some self-respect.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/11/2019 16:30

Hi OP

So you're ill, but he wants to come round to yours so you can cook for him? I had to re read that, as I thought most partners would ask to come round so they could bring supplies and cook for you if you wanted it.

I dont know if the occasional sulk is abusive or just shows he is awful at confrontation and disagreements.

Does he ever acknowledge his behaviour afterwards? What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Of course it wasnt your fault to say you're disappointed. You're allowed to tell him how you feel without being ignored indefinitely. Most people want their partner to be able to be open and honest with them. He is saying you're not allowed to disagree with him or react to him letting you down.

He won't change OP unless he accepts he has issues with communication, he wants to change, and takes steps to address this eg therapy.

So unless he does this, you can choose to live like this, which might be an option if you are happy to carry on as you are (I wouldn't move in with him though as it will be a million times more awkward when he is living in the same house as you and ignoring you) or split up.

Also he sounds stingy, how convenient that you pay for consumables while his money goes towards a mortgage

Jog22 · 07/11/2019 16:39

You don't live together or have children together. Can you imagine how the opportunities for his silent treatment would increase if you did? The atmosphere in the house created by the silence and the pact on yours/his children?

ISpeakJive · 07/11/2019 17:41

but he'll be saving for a while because there's no chance I'm selling my house to buy one with him whilst he acts like this

No! No!No! Don’t buy at all with this guy! He will always act like this! You don’t see the full extent of it because you’re not even living together!

Groovinpeanut · 07/11/2019 18:04

OP your situation will go round and around like this. How you don't see this guys behaviour as abusive baffles me. You have to walk on egg shells around him, if you do ever speak out you get his sulks and ignored. Can you not see he's controlling you?

WhenPushComesToShove · 07/11/2019 18:07

So pleased you are not going to contact him this time OP. Let's see how long he sulks for. You might be surprised

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 18:16

It doesn't matter if what you said was unreasonable or not. He can't just ignore you, it's abusive ffs! If he thought you were being U then he could have had an adult conversation with you to resolve it.

Ignoring you is an abusive technique. So what this time op? So you leave it for him to contact you... I bet my bottom dollar he's expecting you to contact him before your week away. What a good time for him to pull a stunt like this... do something he knows is U, you won't kick up a fuss because you know he'll ignore you, and you can't risk that before you go away. Job done for him, he gets away with what he wants, you relent because you don't want him to ignore you because you're going away - queue days of begging and pleading with him Hmm

MostTacticalNameChange · 07/11/2019 18:20

I had one like this. We broke up after 4 years over what I thought was a different issue but it was all connected. I had become so far removed from myself and utterly miserable treading on eggshells and biting my tongue.

Biggest shock of his life when I left and biggest relief of mine!

GormlessLeech · 07/11/2019 18:35

Probably the same as whatever he did last year when you were about to go away with the piece of shit. Whatever. Can you tell us exactly what you want from this thread OP? Instead of analysing your crap boyfriends behavioural choices, simply read the advice people have spent time giving you. Then read it again. I hope your kids are not in any way involved in this farce.

Ken1976 · 07/11/2019 18:41

I'm widowed now but for the first 15 years of my marriage my husband used to blank me when I'd said something to upset him. He could go for a week with not speaking , and me like a fool would try to pander to him to bring him round. ' would you like a cup of coffee?' ' what would you like for tea?' Etc etc

One time I'd had enough. We were both up early for work. I made myself a cup of tea and ignored him whilst I drank it. I got ready for work without saying a word and stayed silent when he dropped me off at work , I didn't even say thank you.
When I got home later that day he had changed his tune completely and never did it again.
By playing him at his own game I had stopped his childish behaviour

Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 18:41

@GormlessLeech

Thank you for your concern about my children - they don't think we've had a single argument the whole time we've been together so I think I've managed to keep them hidden from his behavioural choices Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 18:42

@GormlessLeech

Apologies - the teenager has been aware of one, possibly two. I wouldn't consider that too awful

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 18:43

@Ken1976

Thank you Smile Unfortunately me ignoring him doesn't seem to work but I'm trying my hardest to not try and smooth things over with him

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/11/2019 18:49

Tortoiser I ended up giving in a few days later and he responded like nothing had ever happened

So you did what you've always done, are your surprised to get what you've always got?

You are going on holiday, it's up to him to go with you. If you don't stand firm then he'll keep doing it.

Up to you.

FinallyHere · 07/11/2019 18:59

Just wondering about the holiday dynamic.

Who load for the holiday?

FinallyHere · 07/11/2019 19:00

Oh, and how will you share expenses. Will he want to make up for all the times you have fed him without any reciprocation ?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 19:12

So what's the dynamics of the holiday? Abroad, weekend away?

If you've got all the details, tickets etc and have paid for some/all of it, just ignore him back until he decides to talk to you, if it's not before the holiday, go alone. That would be my advice

Original poster
ApplePie99 · 07/11/2019 19:26

It's a week abroad. We went halves but he booked it so everything in his name. I imagine we'll do the normal - splitting the costs of food when we go places

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/11/2019 20:11

the normal - splitting the costs of food when we go places=

@ ApplePie99 How would you feel about suggesting he pays for dinner each evening to make up for all the times you have fed him?

He might surprise you.

eddielizzard · 07/11/2019 20:21

I like FinallyHere's suggestion. He should be offering frankly, but would he be amenable to paying you back for all the times you've been so generous? Or would that suggestion provoke another sulk?

I notice jamaisjedors' post a while back, and you'd be very wise to go and read what her ex was like.

It's tempting to minimise the sulking, because it's not shouting or hitting. But it's very controlling and damaging.

At any rate, absolutely do not make the first move and see what happens.

AutumnCrow · 07/11/2019 20:21

You must have a boarding pass, tickets etc in your own name? You could go on your own. I would.

Or just bin it off.