Habit of ignoring

[ApplePie99]

Hi! I'm just after a bit of advice really. I've been with my DP for just under three years. We don't live together, but do spend as much time as we can together (as much as work, kids, activities allow). Both have kids (not together). As far as a partner goes, he is great. I won't list his qualities but he's never given me any problems! Amazing with my kids too.

I'm just a little confused about something that happens now and again. If I can think back it probably happens about 3 or 4 times a year. We never argue, but on occasion he hasn't liked something that has happened and then decided to just ignore me. When I say something that has happened, I mean a bit of a disagreement on something (which like i said, doesn't happen a lot).

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works. These silences have lasted between a few hours or a week or so.

This has happened today after a minor disagreement last night . I haven't done my usual texting him first to try and get things back to normal, but have instead text him and said along the lines of text me when you decide to grow up because I can't be doing with people that have tantrums etc.

I'm now wondering whether I shouldn't have text him this, as last night could have been my fault (who knows, I wasn't expecting to fall out over such a little thing)? This doesn't happen a lot so maybe I shouldn't have said anything like this? I'm just confused and thinking maybe I should apologise for sending that message

Op have you posted about him before? There was a user previously but I think her name was sausageroll something (her username stuck in my mind because at the time I was going through similar), anyway I only ask because the details are very similar and we all told her to LTB but I don't think she did

he's very caring, never horrible!

Really? So what's this post all about then?

Be careful OP, he's training you to be obedient and if you don't call him out on it (or leave) this'll be the pattern of your life forever.

...and please don't let him teach your children this is OK either. They'll be taking of this in and processing it as 'normal'.

*all of this in

I'm just quite unsettled about not texting him to smooth it over
Ahhh... he has you well trained, doesn't he!!???
This form of abuse works very well for him.
You are enabling it.
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this if you contact him now.
Doesn't matter how often someone abuses you. The only acceptable amount of abuse in ANY relationship is NONE!!!!!
He can get to fuck.
I hate this kind of shit.

Please take a look at my threads if you are wondering if there is something wrong with you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=89667748

This is the latest one but has links to my first thread which is where I brought up the fact the my exH ignored me all weekend.

Spoiler alert - I left him and realised little by little just how abusive our relationship was.

Like you, I really douted myself and focused on the good times and exH's good aspects - of which there were many, on paper.

In the end I lived like that for over 15 years, I wish so much that I had seen this for what it was in the early days (we were together for 23 years but things escalated after we had kids and after I became successful in my own right).

Feel free to PM me - and please don't down-play or dismiss your feelings about this.

I recently read this book by Patricia Evans
www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/391756-the-verbally-abusive-relationship-how-to-recognize-it-and-how-to-respon

and it really described actually what was happening and for the first time I really believed it was ABUSE and not just "a way of dealing with conflict".

Red Flags everywhere!!! Hellsbellsmelons has said exactly what I think. We're all a step removed and it's clear to see he's an abuser. Run for the hills OP xx

SIt with that discomfort OP. That unsettled feeling. The solution to this is to just wait for that unsettled feeling to pass, instead of looking to him to make it pass by throwing you some tiny bone. You've been hardwired now to feel discomfort because of his lack of approval. Sod that!
Get over this by ''sitting in the discomfort''. I read this from one of those youtube abuse recovery gurus. You acknowledge that it feels excruciatingly awkward to be in the middle of his disapproval. But you acknowledge the source of that. And instead of contacting him to initiate some conversation that would (in part, never wholly) dissipate the discomfort, you simply wait for it to pass. It will. Sit with it. It will pass. You will feel more in control as time goes by but there will be a critical period, where like a drug addiction, you have no experience of soothing this unsettled feeling yourself so like an addict you look to him to throw you some small 'hit' of qualified approval or communication.

Withdraw.

If you're tempted to contact him, read this list of articles

sit with the discomfort

Stick with it. If you were my daughter I'd be hoping he never got back to you.

@jamaisjedors Thanks, I may PM you as I feel like I'm not understanding everyone's reaction of saying it's actually abuse

Fair enough OP but can you see that the level of discomfort you feel when he withdraws his approval is unpleasant for you.

Would you read some of those articles about sitting in the discomfort. They make so much sense.

I had an epiphany reading them. Totally changed my relationship with my mum. Not immediately but over time, my not responding how she thought i would has been good for our relationship. Made it healthier.

@RueCambon Thank you, I'll read them now

Did you google Stonewalling abuse?
Do it.

@hellsbellsmelons I did! I'm not sure whether this is classed as the same thing though as it doesn't happen regularly?

Sorry to resurrect an old post but he's done it again! We sorted it out last time, we had a minor disagreement last night (well it wasn't even really a disagreement, we had plans for this Saturday night, he's been asked to have his child and he's said yes, and cancelled plans with me. I explained I was a bit disappointed but I understood and it was fine). And now he's ignoring me.

Am I missing something here? Was I completely unreasonable to say that I was a bit disappointed?!

And so the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he metes out to you continues. It will be ever so unless you actually walk away from him for good. He will not change; this is who he is and you cannot love someone like this better. Its probably also why his ex left him.; she was treated the self same.

This is emotional abuse he is showing you; have no doubt about that whatsoever. His actions here are about power and control and he wants absolute in this relationship. Did you previously read about stonewalling?.

You know you weren't unreasonable.
You have feeling and of course you are allowed to be disappointed.
Go back and re-read everything we have all said.
Inwardly digest it all.
IT'S ABUSE!!!!!!
He is punishing you yet again for daring to express your own, very valid, feelings.
Stop sabotaging your own happiness for this twat.
How did you sort it out last time?
Was it you who made the first move? I suspect it was!
If so then please learn from this thread.
Do NOT contact him again this time.
Did you tell him what he does is abusive? And that it has a name. And that you won't put up with it again!
Follow through and don't allow yourself to be treated so poorly.
Raise your bar. Set boundaries and don't let anyone overstep them.

Disappointed was how you felt OP and you expressed your feelings accordingly. Nothing unreasonable in that.

He has a particular way of dealing with disagreements that leaves you feeling shit. You are not being unreasonable in that either. But now you have to make a big choice as to whether this cycle of reactions is one you want to continue.

How did the previous situation resolve itself?
As other posters have said Op, I suspect he’s never going to change. And that is not going to make for a pleasant person to live with.

@Tortoiser I ended up giving in a few days later and he responded like nothing had ever happened

Am I missing something here?

Paraphrasing - when you get back into line, he is prepared to be in a relationship again

If you find the concept of 'abuse' to difficult to get your head round, can you see that he is 'training' you to not disagree with him. Good that you seldom disagree but between adults, it is perfectly possible, indeed healthy, to disagree.

Really no need to sulk about it.

Why do you think he sulks any time you do disagree? What would happen if you ramped up the number of occasions on which you disagreed? Trivial things, that really don't matter. Bigger things, that 'normal' adults would agree to disagree, or maybe even laugh about disagreements. Big things, like how to spend money or where to live.

Can you imagine being happy in a relationship where you can never disagree with him?

I had an ex who would do this. He would strop off and sulk regularly, and it always seemed to be just before I was about to travel for work and he had agreed to look after my dogs. This meant I was always the one to text him to smooth things over to make sure I had dog care.

I found myself a dog sitter and dumped him...

OP, you are enabling this twatish behaviour - STOP IT!!!!!

I do wonder whether I'd been a bit unreasonable though - he normally comes over for dinner maybe 3 times a week. He asked to come for some last night, I responded that I'd already fed the kids and I wasn't feeling well so wasn't going to have any. He then asked if he could come over anyway and I could make him something. I basically said no, which I've never done. Then came the conversation about Saturday. Then the ignoring.