Habit of ignoring

[ApplePie99]

Hi! I'm just after a bit of advice really. I've been with my DP for just under three years. We don't live together, but do spend as much time as we can together (as much as work, kids, activities allow). Both have kids (not together). As far as a partner goes, he is great. I won't list his qualities but he's never given me any problems! Amazing with my kids too.

I'm just a little confused about something that happens now and again. If I can think back it probably happens about 3 or 4 times a year. We never argue, but on occasion he hasn't liked something that has happened and then decided to just ignore me. When I say something that has happened, I mean a bit of a disagreement on something (which like i said, doesn't happen a lot).

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works. These silences have lasted between a few hours or a week or so.

This has happened today after a minor disagreement last night . I haven't done my usual texting him first to try and get things back to normal, but have instead text him and said along the lines of text me when you decide to grow up because I can't be doing with people that have tantrums etc.

I'm now wondering whether I shouldn't have text him this, as last night could have been my fault (who knows, I wasn't expecting to fall out over such a little thing)? This doesn't happen a lot so maybe I shouldn't have said anything like this? I'm just confused and thinking maybe I should apologise for sending that message

Hang on, you weren’t feeling well, you’d fed your kids, but weren’t having any dinner yourself, but he asked if he could come over and could you make him some dinner. But you’re not feeling well. And then you say no, he gets in a strop following the conversation about Saturday. And you ask if you’re unreasonable.
No, you are not the unreasonable one here.

He probably cancelled Saturday because you declined his invite to make dinner for him. When you were too tired/unwell to make dinner for yourself.

I ended up giving in a few days later and he responded like nothing had ever happened

Sigh. Dont do this again. Either end the relationship or put your foot down hard. It really is what everyone is telling you it OP. Been there myself and took the second option.

There really is no helping some people...:(

@Noodles4Me Yes I imagine it is frustrating seeing posts like mine. Believe me I do read and try to take in what everyone says, it's just not always that easy

I do wonder whether I'd been a bit unreasonable though

Say you had been unreasonable..

(for the record, first, the situation you describe where your DC had already eaten, you we're not feeling so good and so did not want to cook for him seemed VVV reasonable to me. What seems VU is someone hearing your household is fed, you are not feeling great and then asked that you cook for him but my point stands)

It is really never reasonable for him to sulk. Fair enough to say oh, I see, I think I need some time or whatever, I'll be in touch.

Just sulking until you come round is just never going to be reasonable adult behaviour.

Can being 'lovely' aka 'everything you want a partner to be' but only when you are toeing the line, ever really count ?

It's good to have something like MN to point out the boundaries of reasonableness.

Part of the problem is exactly because the person subject to this kind of unreasonable behaviour does start to doubt themselves. Blurring your boundaries is exactly what the sulker is trying to do.

Stick to your guns

Would you allow your DC to behave like this, sulk if they did not get their own way? Would you question your reasonableness in dealing with their behaviour or would you work with them to realise that it's not acceptable. Would you excuse their behaviour by telling yourself that they only do it occasionally ?

How could his behaviour be different ?

All the very best, ApplePie99 you did yourself a favour when you posted here on MN.

@TiddyTid How did you put your foot down?

He will not change. This is who he is. You deserve better. Leave. Please, see him for who he is, abusive/abuser.

The thing is, even if you were unreasonable (which you weren't), that still doesn't excuse the sulking. Everyone is unreasonable sometimes but an emotionally mature partner would discuss it with you, and explain how it made them feel, rather than sulking about it. Sulking means you can't discuss it and will never be able to move forward.

I grew up with a father like this. Trust me, it is abusive.

He then asked if he could come over anyway and I could make him something
What????
What an insensitive asshole.
If he'd have asked if you were OK and had you eaten and if not then he would come round and cook for you.... then OK.
But to ask you to cook when you had just told him you weren't feeling well is taking the piss OP!
I can't believe you keep defending this twat!
The more you write the worse he is.
Honestly - dump and run.
He really doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your feelings.
The sooner the rose tinted glasses start to the clear for you, the better!

You are absolutely right to call him out on his behaviour. Ignoring is petty, childish and controlling. You need to stand your ground and not give in. If he can't be reasonable in a relationship, and that includes being mature enough to understand other viewpoints, you need to cut your losses. Imagine the rest of your life walking on eggshells trying to avoid misunderstandings because he flounces off for days on end? Nope, hold strong. He's very immature.

it's just not always that easy
But it is OP. It really really is.
You are not financially tied.
You don't have kids together.
You don't live together.
YOU are making it hard for yourself.
You are pandering this abusive asshole.
What you need to figure out is... why????
Please value yourself more than this.
How often does he cook for you?
How often do you go to his house and get spoiled?
Stop sleepwalking through this relationship and wake up and smell the coffee.

@hellsbellsmelons

I think he's maybe cooked for me once?
When his ex split up with him he moved in with family, and he's still there as he's trying to save for a deposit. So although I do go round there sometimes, he doesn't cook for me there etc. as it's not technically his house

But he comes to you 3 times a week.
If that is going to continue then I think you need to set some new rules that he cooks on one of those nights.
And that means... cooks. Not get in a takeaway or do a ready meal. Actually to cook for you.

I bet he won't agree to that.
He's used to being treated like a child. Pandered to and looked after. Which is exactly why he behaves like one.

Oh come on OP. He will keep doing this while you let him get away with it?

So he’s done it again. With due respect, are you actually surprised because I don’t think many of us are?
This is him. He’ll keep doing it til either you agree to bend to his will or you get rid of him.
This is the choice you have.

And that means... cooks.

And shops for and brings the ingredients.

And tidies up as he goes along, and afterwards and doesn't leave your kitchen looking like a bombshell.

If he visits you three nights a week, it would still only be once for every two times that you cook.

But honestly, get the sulking sorted first. Could you try talking to him about it ? He had very likely learned it from his own family and maybe thinks that's the way is supposed to be.

@FinallyHere

That's actually partly why I said no to dinner last night (as well as me feeling a bit icky) - he doesn't ever bring food round to my house, so any dinner or snacks he has I have provided. He brings over a takeaway occasionally. The food I had in my fridge yesterday was for the next few nights dinners for me and the kids, and I didn't want to use one of them on just him.

I believe his dad ignores when he's stressed about something, but not to to level that he does it. I have tried talking to him about it, saying it's completely unreasonable, but I never get much response and then he'll just do it again a few months later

I do not think men ever change. They think sulking gets them what they want. The more you stand up to it, the more defensive they get and they don't change. Many men appear to be childish and it is tolerated by their parents and then by their partners. Obviously his first partner did not want to stay around. Do you?

Ok. So what are you going to do this time op?

Oh, get rid. My dad did this throughout my childhood, throwing massive gloomy sulks and stropping and huffing around the house but "Oh, I'm fine" and "I won't say anything, no no, I'll get it wrong" while my dear mum flustered around trying to apologize and smooth things over and make him feel better in his poor ickle feelings.

The day my (older) teenage sister looked at him and said "oh, grow up, dad!" was a revelation, as his behaviour was training me to tiptoe and apolize, as it had trained mum.
He still does it. We, his adult children, leave the room, giving mum a quick hug, and we leave the place.
We visit less because of it. We see her separately. We think less of him, and a bit less of her for sticking with it. It was horrible to grow up with, and I won't subject myself or the kids to it. It has eroded my mum, it's made her feel responsible for his feelings.
Dump the git.

T have tried talking to him about it, saying it's completely unreasonable, but I never get much response and then he'll just do it again a few months later

It's been working quite well for him up to now, though, hasn't it. Any time you have a different opinion to his, he sulks. He just leaves it til you crack and start to make nicely nicely for him. Brilliant outcome for him, why would he ever stop?

My thought about talking to him about it was that he might have been doing it unconsciously., in which case the first time you mentioned it he would eventually realise what a dick he has been.

As PP have suggested, he is happy this way and so is unlikely to change. Why would he?

@ApplePie99 has he told you why his previous relationship/s ended?

@FinallyHere

It's not done unconsciously - I could feel another 'episode' starting the other week so I asked him when we were going to bed if he was going to ignore me, and he said it depended on what he felt like in the morning! He didn't that time though.

@Tortoiser

His ex is his child's mum, he says that she finished with him because he never wants to get married

That response - was he going to ignore you in the morning, and he said it depended how he felt. Well that says it all.
I don’t think he will change. Certainly not from what you’ve said here.
So I guess you need to think is this something you’re prepared to put up with.
Personally I couldn’t bear it. IMHO communication is key in any relationship. Not going off into a big sulk and ignoring (or training) your partner to get your own way.