Habit of ignoring

[ApplePie99]

Hi! I'm just after a bit of advice really. I've been with my DP for just under three years. We don't live together, but do spend as much time as we can together (as much as work, kids, activities allow). Both have kids (not together). As far as a partner goes, he is great. I won't list his qualities but he's never given me any problems! Amazing with my kids too.

I'm just a little confused about something that happens now and again. If I can think back it probably happens about 3 or 4 times a year. We never argue, but on occasion he hasn't liked something that has happened and then decided to just ignore me. When I say something that has happened, I mean a bit of a disagreement on something (which like i said, doesn't happen a lot).

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works. These silences have lasted between a few hours or a week or so.

This has happened today after a minor disagreement last night . I haven't done my usual texting him first to try and get things back to normal, but have instead text him and said along the lines of text me when you decide to grow up because I can't be doing with people that have tantrums etc.

I'm now wondering whether I shouldn't have text him this, as last night could have been my fault (who knows, I wasn't expecting to fall out over such a little thing)? This doesn't happen a lot so maybe I shouldn't have said anything like this? I'm just confused and thinking maybe I should apologise for sending that message

So this "lovely" man ignores you when he doesn't get his way and thinks it's ok to demand YOU make HIM dinner???
I'm furious on your behalf.
You're not feeling well so his response if he was a lovely man should have been he will come over and make you something light to eat run you a bath and make you tea while you relax!!!
But he didn't! He's not lovely!
One day you will realise you deserve better, you will grow a spine and break it off.
It's just a matter of time and how many chances you will give him.
It won't stop. He's behaving like a 3 year old. Don't you want a partner to lean on... not another child?

You seem to be going by your thread title. Ignoring the responses. Your clearly not going to leave the twat, so whats next? You really think you can change him? (You cant). Your trapped in the nasty nice cycle, for how long? Only you can decide that. Good luck (your gunna need it).

I do wonder whether he's annoyed at me because of Saturday though. He tried to compromise by saying we could still do part of the evening as his parents would babysit for a few hours. I told him don't ask them to do that, it defeats the point of him having his child if he then gets a baby sitter. I told him it really wasn't a problem and I would see a friend instead. To which he seemed irritated because he still wanted to do that 'part' of the evening. Maybe I should have just said ok

How do you not see this as abuse??? Basically every time you don’t bend to his every whim he strips by ignoring/sulking. This is pathetic behaviour for a grown man and he won’t change because you allow this to continue.

Thats right op, its all your fault. You should have done what HE wanted sat night, im sure you will next time tho, cos your getting well trained.

It sounds like as long as you do all the giving he's fine. Can't abide a sulker personally

Why on earth are you with him OP? I’m betting he’s good in bed because I cant see any other reason.

• he’s passive aggressive
• manipulative
• mean
• uncaring
• lives at home & doesnt contribute
• uses you/ your home for dinner & sex 3 x per week

Good god.

do wonder whether he's annoyed at me because of Saturday though

I would love you to see how this is just taking up headspace for you, entirely wasted effort.

A decent human being, if he had an issue with something, could have a decent conversation about the issue. You know, the old when you ... I feel ...

You talk about it and you decide together what to do about it. He isn't doing much of that , is he? It really works for him, to have you on the back foot trying to second guess yourself.

What a relief it would be to get ditch all that angst. And show your DC that sulking goes not get you anything. How would you feel if they started to emulate him?

Op, you probably don't think that this is abuse because you're like a lot of people who think abuse is only domestic violence. You seem to feel that because he's not violent towards you it can't be abuse.
Believe me, this is definitely abusive behaviour, he's controlling your thoughts, words and deeds.
You are pandering to his every whim, that's abusive behaviour. It's Thursday and you're still worrying about last Saturday, even when he's not around you're still giving him too much headspace.
You cannot change his behaviour you can only change your reaction to the way he treats you.
It's up to you now, if you're happy to be with a controlling unpleasant man carry on.
Or you can take steps to get yourself away from this unhealthy behaviour of his.
Do the Freedom Programme and try and see this relationship for what it really is.

You will excuse his behaviour because you don't want to lose him. Remember this thread in years to come.

Maybe I should have just said ok
And this is exactly what he is 'training' you to do!
Stop being so bloody passive in your own life OP!
You are responding in the way he wants you to.
Not question anything he does at all.
Just totally accept everything that HE wants and ignore your own thoughts and feelings as they get in the way of what HE wants.
Nice example to set your DC!!!????
Consider them in this OP. Do you want them to be doormats in their future relationships? Or do you want to show them how strong you are and lead by example?

I guess because he is absolutely fine most of the time, then this happens, I always thought of it as a childish strop rather abusive

*rather than

OP, as someone who used to be married to a man who stropped off if I didn’t pander to his every whim and agree with him at all times I can tell you three things.

1, you will do as you are now, spend enormous amounts of emotional energy trying to work out how it’s your fault.

2, try to avoid upsetting him at all costs, which basically means putting his feelings and needs above your own at all times.

3, You will do this until you become so miserable that you can’t do it anymore. At which point you’ll be so beaten down and weak willed that you can’t see a life without him and leaving will be very difficult, especially if there’s kids, marriage and property involved.

Then when you have gone through number 3 and have hopefully been through the emotional washing machine of leaving him he won’t make it easy for you to disentangle yourself from him. Men who want control over their partner’s feelings and reactions do not like losing control, and they’ll do everything within their power to maintain it, even when you don’t want anything to do with them.

He punishes you for saying no to him. Just think about that. What kind of a person refuses to hear the word no? Do you want someone who refuses to hear your no in your life? Once your no is taken away from you then how will you ever have your feelings respected?

Be in no doubt that this stropping off like a toddler is a deliberate tactic. If it wasn’t he wouldn’t do it every single time you disagree or utter the word no. He knows what he is doing, and he’s doing it because it works. When it doesn’t work he’ll find another tactic, I guarantee it. He doesn’t want to hear the word no out of your mouth, and he’ll use every method he can think of to make sure he never hears it.

If you want to say yes for the rest of your life, regardless of whether you want it or not then crack on, you’ve found your perfect match. If you don’t then walk away and cut contact, cos sure as eggs is eggs he has no intention of ever allowing you the right to the word no.

It's irrelevant whether he has a right to be annoyed or not! You're entitled to say no. His REACTION is wrong. No matter what the argument was. You don't just ignore someone.... who does that?

it’s called the Silent Treatment & it’s toddler like stripping behaviour but is also known as a form of abuse because it’s an unhealthy communication - there is a difference between regular cooling off after an argument to regain your thoughts & silent treatment! When used as a form of abuse it is about regaining control & discouraging you from stranding up to them in future. Being ignored is hurtful. Also the amount of negative emotional energy it takes to ignore someone rather than have a conversation like grown up adults is huge. They love doing it to teach you a lesson - note he said he would decide in the morning whether to ignore you or not! Says a lot.

And yes, my ex was lovely when he was getting his own way. Unfortunately we can’t have our own way all the time. Relationships are about give and take, but someone who expects their own way all the time isn’t doing any giving. And somebody who gives in all the time is doing just that. Who is the giver and who is the taker in your relationship OP? And I don’t just mean he gave you a birthday present, or he’s nice to you, people are supposed to be caring in their relationships, I mean when does he ever give just for your sake? Who does more of that? Who gives things that are no benefit to themself? Who gives just because the other person wants just because they want, regardless of whether they want or not? Who gives just to make the other person happy?

Please stop being a doormat.

Every single time he gets in a strop when something isn't to his liking, he gives you the silent treatment because he knows that you will capitulate and bend over backwards to smooth things over. And he gets his way.

Stop doing it. Stop pandering to him. He's a git.

I do wonder what would happen if I didn't give in. Last time it took me 2 days for me to cave and text him, and he responded like nothing had happened. It's bizarre to think that he still would have waited for me to text even if it had been a week or 2

I do wonder what would happen if I didn't give in

Interesting question there @ApplePie99

Are you up for finding out?

Let us know how it goes.

Maybe have a look at the https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php while you are waiting.

He wouldn't back down if you didn't contact him. This sort never does. He absolutely thinks he's in the right (because he's incapable of seeing your point of view) and therefore thinks he has nothing to apologise for. So he won't...

We're going away at the end of next week

If you're determined to stay in the relationship then at least stand up for yourself. Refuse to capitulate. Tell him firmly what you think of his behaviour if he deigns to get back in touch.

My DP once spoke to me in an abusive tone near the start of our relationship. I gave him a total bollocking for it and he's been respectful ever since.

Do you truly think that if you don't contact first then you'll never hear from him again? No loss if he's that pigheaded.

It's bizarre to think that he still would have waited for me to text even if it had been a week or 2

The way I see it, the timescale is not important or even relevant for him. What matters to him is that you have learned your lesson and will no longer challenge him on that point. By contacting him, you are expressly saying that you are ok with this.

Of course, we never know how we would actually feel in any circumstances. This is why I feel that he'll would freeze over before I contacted him in those circumstances.

I do wonder what would happen if I didn't give in
Only one way to find out OP!
Don't back down.
We all advised this last time and you ignored every one of us.
Please listen this time!!!!

And you say I guess because he is absolutely fine most of the time
But he's not is he? He comes to your house 3 times a week and you wait on him hand and foot. You cook for him. You clean up after him. You give him sex. You run around after him. All while doing the same for your DC. What does he do exactly? Honestly! Really think about it. What does he do for YOU? Just for you!!???
Does he even pay his way when he's basically at yours 50% of his time? I'll bet he doesn't contribute a penny towards your household or your food, or water, or heating, or electricity!?