4 men. which one?

[Honeyandicecream]

I’m mid thirties and have wanted to settle down for a while now. I’ve been half hearted about dating and after some blunt conversations with friends, I hit the dating apps hard and have found myself dating three seemingly decent men...met each of them three times and speak sometimes daily or every few days, including on the phone. Not only is it becoming hard to juggle (!) but I sense that each is about to bring up the ‘are you seeing anyone else’ topic soon. I’m notoriously bad at choosing a good man, so what you think is important!

1. Stable job, similar income, very different backgrounds (jokes about his poorer background against mine..that sort of thing), don’t fancy the pants off him but he’s the one I look forward to speaking to most. Very opinionated, wants kids, never married, same age as me. Not at all into lots of romance but says nice things often enough. I can be outspoken and he challenges me on this which I like. Down to earth and although he lives an hour away he’s very willing to travel to see me.

1. Older than me by about 5 years, previously married and now divorced, wants children, not massively attracted to him but not repulsed (I have to get to know someone to fancy them), good job, settled, very career focused, doesn’t get my sense of humour much and doesn’t challenge me. He’s basically very very nice and sweet.

1. Man who apparently wants to give me everything...all the things I dreamed of like a nice home (yes I know it’s shallow but I would want for nothing material ever...don’t cling on to this point as I know other things are more important!), wants kids, great fun to chat with but below average in bed. He’s the only one I’ve dtd with so far though...possible the others aren’t great either

1. Good job, family sort of guy who wants kids, good to chat with, fancy visually more than all the others, lives the closest. Maybe not into all the same stuff I am, but I don’t think that matters.

I am notorious for picking bad boys. These men all seem quite similar when I’ve read back what I’ve put! But sometimes I think maybe I’m a bit of a loner, I seem to attract men but don’t need them. Which then makes me think why not go with number 3 who is the keenest and I could live an easy life, expect with terrible sex. But then I get bored easily...I know I need to have the conversation soon because I can’t and don’t want to be dating four people, I really want to try and make something of a relationship.

Help me out guys! xx

Someone more knowledgeable than me will explain it better but it is a "technique "
Twats .

I also think that men who are argumentative on dates is actually a bit of a red flag. What are they trying to prove? It doesn’t create a very warm or romantic atmosphere and it can frankly be bloody exhausting to be around someone who turns everything into a debate. My ex was extremely intelligent but never argued for the sake of it and never made me feel stupid.

1 or 4 but I think you like 1 better

I'd say 4... or 5
I can't stand opinionated people if he tries to always get you to be of his opinion that is. If he's happy for you to have your opinion then ok. But if he argues until you shut up then no.
Who would you be saddest about having to cut loose?

Well, if he's making comments about your better-off background, that could be negging. Even if it's superficially positive, watch out that he isn't trying to portray you as a privileged princess.
The trick with negging is that they seem difficult to please, and so you try harder, and are then really happy when you have made the hard-to-please man smile, as that seems like quite a feat.

That can feel like a spark...

I'd go for 1, but I'm not convinced any of them are ideal. If you felt very strongly about either of them you wouldn't need to play eenie, meenie. Very soon after I met DH I lost all interest in anyone else. He was so clearly the one and he felt the same

My DH was working class, and I'm middle. It was fun coming from very different backgrounds. He used to tease me in a loving way and we both enjoyed our families' various funny little ways. The contrast was a plus.

Hmmm. Well you clearly really like 1, so you should probably persevere with him despite his faults. Just beware of a chip on his shoulder and the possibility of future power struggles or issues with decision making.

4 sounded very promising but you just don't sound anything like as interested in him and you say he's less intelligent than you - so don't go there. I think it's very tough to stay in love with someone who isn't your intellectual equal. The affection is there but the respect might not be. It can get frustrating and lonely.

I still think you need to keep looking.

I think you really need to think why you dated for 5 years and didn't really like any of them enough.

It could be a s simple as not having met Mr Right, but on the other hand I am wondering if there is something else going on in your head.

What comes over is that physical attraction for you is dependent on how well you get on and only happens when you know the guys.

Have you never seen a guy who you wanted to jump on even though he'd not said a word?

You come over as very analytical in your behaviour ( proven by posting here with a tick list of 4 men) whereas a lot of us have a gut reaction based on sexual chemistry.

Surely you know within minutes if you fancy a guy or if it's kind of 'neutral' and his personality could sway it either way.

IME looks don't always equal chemistry .

What was wrong with all the men you dated before?
Were they boring, unintelligent? How soon did you cross them off your list?

I think there is some 'selection process' going on in your head which is a bit muddled and we need to help you sort it out

jingling yes I have had moments of thinking oh he’s attractive and wanting to ‘jump’ on them as you put it absolutely. But I would never act on that if I didn’t feel something for them on an intellectual or emotional level. I just couldn’t do it, not that I judge anyone for being able to have sex without that, I wish I could!

I am definitely analytical but having said that I won’t do anything with any of these men physically unless I feel a spark too. My friends have said I need to wait it out more and give people a chance. I usually will meet someone once or twice and call it a day.

FWIW op I don't think there is anything wrong with your approach. If you're looking for a serious relationship it makes sense that you are looking for a mental/emotional connection as well as physical attraction.

Quite a few critical people on this thread for some reason.

In your situation I'd be thinking it over a lot too, if you want a family soon it's an important decision - although you do also just have to go with your gut (can be easier said than done!)

Thanks! My gut is saying both 1 and 4 but can’t narrow down more because I don’t trust myself with 1 and whether I just like the fiery banter. 4 is funny and nice and I like chatting with him. He’s also more physically attractive

Just keep dating them both for a while then

Hope you're not planning to carry on seeing 2 as friends!

If you stop seeing 2 & 3 you've already halved your "commitments" and you'll have more time for the other two.

Make a list of all the things you want and that someone needs to have/give you.
Sack all four off, you have not met the right man yet. When you do, you'll know. It will be so obvious.

See more of him and meet his mates first. That's usually a good indication of a decent bloke if he has long standing friends who know him well.

Sack all four off ... I misread that the first time I read it

1. You have the same sense of humour, you're most attracted to him, and he lives closest. 2 and 3 are out. 1.....I mean opinionated and feisty after three dates can turn into bolshy and domineering once you get stuck into it.

I am definitely analytical but having said that I won’t do anything with any of these men physically unless I feel a spark too. My friends have said I need to wait it out more and give people a chance.

I agree with you 100%.

But don't you find the spark is either there or not from the word 'go'?

It's not usually something that develops in time. Surely the spark is a mix of physical and intellectual attraction?

For me, I'd be sure after 3 dates. It was either off or on.

I suspect that none is right or you'd know.

Ditch and keep going.....