4 men. which one?

[Honeyandicecream]

I’m mid thirties and have wanted to settle down for a while now. I’ve been half hearted about dating and after some blunt conversations with friends, I hit the dating apps hard and have found myself dating three seemingly decent men...met each of them three times and speak sometimes daily or every few days, including on the phone. Not only is it becoming hard to juggle (!) but I sense that each is about to bring up the ‘are you seeing anyone else’ topic soon. I’m notoriously bad at choosing a good man, so what you think is important!

1. Stable job, similar income, very different backgrounds (jokes about his poorer background against mine..that sort of thing), don’t fancy the pants off him but he’s the one I look forward to speaking to most. Very opinionated, wants kids, never married, same age as me. Not at all into lots of romance but says nice things often enough. I can be outspoken and he challenges me on this which I like. Down to earth and although he lives an hour away he’s very willing to travel to see me.

1. Older than me by about 5 years, previously married and now divorced, wants children, not massively attracted to him but not repulsed (I have to get to know someone to fancy them), good job, settled, very career focused, doesn’t get my sense of humour much and doesn’t challenge me. He’s basically very very nice and sweet.

1. Man who apparently wants to give me everything...all the things I dreamed of like a nice home (yes I know it’s shallow but I would want for nothing material ever...don’t cling on to this point as I know other things are more important!), wants kids, great fun to chat with but below average in bed. He’s the only one I’ve dtd with so far though...possible the others aren’t great either

1. Good job, family sort of guy who wants kids, good to chat with, fancy visually more than all the others, lives the closest. Maybe not into all the same stuff I am, but I don’t think that matters.

I am notorious for picking bad boys. These men all seem quite similar when I’ve read back what I’ve put! But sometimes I think maybe I’m a bit of a loner, I seem to attract men but don’t need them. Which then makes me think why not go with number 3 who is the keenest and I could live an easy life, expect with terrible sex. But then I get bored easily...I know I need to have the conversation soon because I can’t and don’t want to be dating four people, I really want to try and make something of a relationship.

Help me out guys! xx

Also and I understand I maybe a bit old fashioned in this, but if I was dating a man, I would automatically assume it was exclusive, unless he told me otherwise.
When it's blind dates (which online dating basically is), it's very much standard these days to be dating for a while and only then have the talk about going exclusive. When I was doing OLD it was always my assumption that the men were meeting multiple women at the start, and indeed they admitted (later) that's exactly what was happening, and were not surprised that I was doing the same.
Personally I set myself a limit that I wouldn't have more than 3 dates with multiple men. For me, though, it was pretty obvious which one I liked the most. And I wasn't afraid of somehow making a huge mistake by "picking the wrong one", which OP is obviously concerned about as she's already anticipating marriage!

I'd ditch 1, 2 and 3. Keep no. 4 for the time being and also use OLD to find some others.
At least you find no 4 more fanciable than the others. Why did you dtd with one you didn't even fancy?

No. 1 sounded good in a way for challenging you but his insecurity over his background might end up being a big problem.

@Cheeseandwin5 You are out of touch. There is nothing wrong in seeing more than one man ( or woman) in the early days of any relationship, especially if there is no sex at that stage. (and even if there is!)

As other PPs have said, it is the norm to see several people unless there has been the 'exclusivity' chat.

How can it possibly be wrong to have a coffee or a walk with more than one man when they are not an item?

Can I shag them all for you?

Well I’d never have thought 1 over 4 and as predicted by a few of you, 4 has been much more ‘stable’ than 1! 1 is very blunt and opinionated, which I like but i can see 4 is a good bet.

To the poster asking why I am wondering which to marry after 3 dates...I’m not doing that! I just don’t want to date four at the same time because I want a relationship.

And to the poster who said it was odd I don’t fancy people straight away... thanks for that I’ve always been that way but when I do fancy someone, I REALLY REALLY fancy them

That should say would never have thought 4 over 1!!

I wouldn’t pick until you know that the one you want wants to be exclusive. In terms of who you want I’d go for the most financially and emotionally stable guy. Good sex or funny banter are irrelevant when your husband is having a mental breakdown or going bankrupt.

I was in a similar position but years ago (I was only 18,so looking for very different things). There was the incredibly gorgeous guy, the guy I'd been friends with (and secretly fancied) for 2 years, the University friend with a similar background to me and the one who ticked none of the boxes but who I couldn't wait to talk to and who I couldn't imagine not having in my life. That was 20 odd years ago and I'm still married to him. What happens if you imagine walking away from each of them?

Just made a choice on the information you gave @Honeyandicecream .

Just keep up with the once a week dating with them and the ones you're not interested in will drop off naturally.

I think it's best if you're the type that really has to get to know someone over time.

If I was going to drop one it would be the potential love bomber #3

Then add a new one to make 4 again. You'll be honestly getting to know them over time plus, you won't be just hung up on one so fast.

The right one will eventually really stand out over time.

I'd go 4 too.

I am with a poster who said shag 4 and 1 and report back :)

But seriously, 4 seems to be the best, 1 is second best at the moment. Ranking may change depending on sex experience with each of them.

3 is definitely not an option - you don't want to spend rest of your life having bad sex and 2 seems to be to boring...

Have you dumped 2 and 3 yet?

Whatever you do, don’t choose the bad shag!

Yeah had a feeling 1 would be more trouble than he was worth.

Stick with four for now :)

Dump 1,2 and 3 (opinionated will go wrong in the future) shag 4, try others if necessary

2 has been let down gently. He still wants to meet as friends...

3 has gone and was rather rude when I ended it.

1 and 4...1 seems quite tricky as always up for a debate (which I like.. but am I going down the bad boy route again?!). 4 has been the usual nice chat, good fun but not AS much as a spark. He’s also got a great job but not as intelligent as me (hate saying that but it is true and I need honest feedback!). He’s good to chat to and definitely on the same page humour wise.

Well , can you keep 1 and 4 irons in your fire until you work it out ?
From your initial post number 1's different background put me off .

I was going to come on and point out that you start by saying your previous problem has been liking 'bad boys' (urgh, twats more like - call a spade a spade :) )...

... and then you go on to list 4 men and wax lyrical about how your favourite is the twat who clearly has a massive chip on his shoulder about life and likes to 'challenge' you when you are 'outspoken' (translation: is already trying to put you in your place and throw his weight around.

So, not 1. 1 is a bellend. It's not a 'spark', it's something you should be wary of - somehow being approving of and seeing 'fun' in what's actually mildly unpleasant behaviour. Get rid of 1!

If you have to ask then none of them

No. 1 sounds like he is negging you and it's working.

fizzy with 1 be definitely doesn’t put me in my place or throw his weight around. What I mean is I can tell he feels things more strongly and likes to always debate things or make a point. I have to say though I do like that but as I have mentioned I do go for bad boys usually and I really really want to avoid that. I can’t tell if this is good or bad so far.

4 as I say is being very nice and I do like him.

The reason I am asking is because I have been awful at choosing men in the past and it’s unrealistic that in 5 years of dating nobody decent has been around. It’s just been me not recognising it and not giving the good ones a chance. I don’t agree that I just haven’t found the right one and it has taken a lot for me to accept this after some home truths from friends. At some point I have to ‘deal’ on someone by at least giving it chance to develop.

What’s negging?

I think it is used by guys to attract your attention more .
They will say something negative about your appearance/ speech / opinion or even just ignore you so you will be more interested in making an impression on them .

Oh ok. He’s definitely not done that!