4 men. which one?

[Honeyandicecream]

I’m mid thirties and have wanted to settle down for a while now. I’ve been half hearted about dating and after some blunt conversations with friends, I hit the dating apps hard and have found myself dating three seemingly decent men...met each of them three times and speak sometimes daily or every few days, including on the phone. Not only is it becoming hard to juggle (!) but I sense that each is about to bring up the ‘are you seeing anyone else’ topic soon. I’m notoriously bad at choosing a good man, so what you think is important!

1. Stable job, similar income, very different backgrounds (jokes about his poorer background against mine..that sort of thing), don’t fancy the pants off him but he’s the one I look forward to speaking to most. Very opinionated, wants kids, never married, same age as me. Not at all into lots of romance but says nice things often enough. I can be outspoken and he challenges me on this which I like. Down to earth and although he lives an hour away he’s very willing to travel to see me.

1. Older than me by about 5 years, previously married and now divorced, wants children, not massively attracted to him but not repulsed (I have to get to know someone to fancy them), good job, settled, very career focused, doesn’t get my sense of humour much and doesn’t challenge me. He’s basically very very nice and sweet.

1. Man who apparently wants to give me everything...all the things I dreamed of like a nice home (yes I know it’s shallow but I would want for nothing material ever...don’t cling on to this point as I know other things are more important!), wants kids, great fun to chat with but below average in bed. He’s the only one I’ve dtd with so far though...possible the others aren’t great either

1. Good job, family sort of guy who wants kids, good to chat with, fancy visually more than all the others, lives the closest. Maybe not into all the same stuff I am, but I don’t think that matters.

I am notorious for picking bad boys. These men all seem quite similar when I’ve read back what I’ve put! But sometimes I think maybe I’m a bit of a loner, I seem to attract men but don’t need them. Which then makes me think why not go with number 3 who is the keenest and I could live an easy life, expect with terrible sex. But then I get bored easily...I know I need to have the conversation soon because I can’t and don’t want to be dating four people, I really want to try and make something of a relationship.

Help me out guys! xx

jingling I am terrible at dating though. I have date a LOT in the last few years and I am always not bothered then I look back and wish I had given something a go. I do not find people attractive without getting to know them so I think I need to invest some time if I want to see if there is potential for a relationship?

You seem to put a lot of store on their jobs /careers.
Do you want a man for what he does or who he is?
Are you hung up on status?

Is there no spark with any of them?

If there isn't and after 3 dates you are unsure, I'd move on.

You are over thinking it all. I agree it's equally bad to dismiss men after 1 date but after 3 I think you should know.

Maybe you are getting desperate and feel you have to choose one of these?

Do you actually know what you want from a relationship?

I’m not sure, I definitely don’t feel desperate but I do want to settle down. There’s a spark with 1, maybe a spark with 4 but only met him twice. I like 4 more in person but 1 is good in messages too. 4 more attractive.

jennifer I want kids, someone who values family, someone with a sense of humour and intelligence. They are the main things.

Do you meet men through work or hobbies? Sounds as if you'd be better off meeting men with common interests who you could get to know as 'friends' and then dating them rather than going into a cold dating situation.

Playing devil's advocate- do they all want to carry on seeing you? Maybe the choice will be taken away :)

I think you should decide on the qualities you want in a man.

Mine would be...intelligence, kindness, patience, shared sense of humour, shared values, at least one shared interest, no obvious hang ups or baggage....not much, eh?

I think you have to rule out the one that doesn't get your sense of humour then seen as soh is one of the main things that is important to you.

Well so far they seem keen. It would be easier if one ended things!

I would be sad if 1 didn’t want to see me again and also 4. I think this has helped me see that 2 is a definite no go.

Definitely number 4. You list faults with all the others.

Keep seeing them all (and others.)

Some will fall by the wayside (maybe not your choice!) and some may stick around.

Maybe suggest doing something you enjoy ( not just shagging) and see how they feel about that. eg If you thing was rock climbing and they run a mile....

What ellobrian said and ditch 2 or 3!

Oh to be multiple dating! Enjoy op!

Four is keen to actually do something on a date. Suggested walking or cycling. 1 is more career focused but I like that as so am I. Having said that, 4 has a good career but is very sensible with work life balance

Right I am definitely calling it off with 2!

No sense of humour (or not same as yours) is BAD.

And if after going to bed you think one of them is rubbish- move on.

Not so sure about the one who wants to give you everything and is sweet (yuck). He sounds too intense too soon.

Of these, number 4 but there might be some one else out there.

have you joined any walking or cycling clubs?

Erm you have to fancy someone op!!

Shag 1 & 4 then decide?

Ok just read more if your posts and I'm going with 4!

Shag 1 and 4. Then decide.

1-because you look forward to speaking to him most

4-good looking, good to chat to

3-NOT A CHANCE. Offering you the world/buying your interest

2-not on the same wavelength.

Ok let’s be frank. Do you want kids? If so, is this the hunt for The Father Of My Children? If that’s the case, we are looking for a guy who is going to be a Good Man. That’s sometimes a different skillset to Sexiest Motherfucker Alive. Please clarify.

I’d get rid of a couple and keep seeing the two you like the most for a bit longer, but tbh I’m with the op who said that if you liked any of them enough you wouldn’t still be seeing them all, I can’t imagine approaching relationships with your attitude, your treating it a bit like going shopping for a reliable car I’m much more emotional and when I know I know, kind of thing, but I guess we’re all different!

Definitely get rid of the one who’s bad in bed and the one who you don’t fancy.

Ok I’ve just read some more posts and I guess it’s different if you are in your thirties and you want a family, so I can see why your approaching it the way you are

Shag 1 and 4 and then decide

1

Lucky you!