4 men. which one?

[Honeyandicecream]

I’m mid thirties and have wanted to settle down for a while now. I’ve been half hearted about dating and after some blunt conversations with friends, I hit the dating apps hard and have found myself dating three seemingly decent men...met each of them three times and speak sometimes daily or every few days, including on the phone. Not only is it becoming hard to juggle (!) but I sense that each is about to bring up the ‘are you seeing anyone else’ topic soon. I’m notoriously bad at choosing a good man, so what you think is important!

1. Stable job, similar income, very different backgrounds (jokes about his poorer background against mine..that sort of thing), don’t fancy the pants off him but he’s the one I look forward to speaking to most. Very opinionated, wants kids, never married, same age as me. Not at all into lots of romance but says nice things often enough. I can be outspoken and he challenges me on this which I like. Down to earth and although he lives an hour away he’s very willing to travel to see me.

1. Older than me by about 5 years, previously married and now divorced, wants children, not massively attracted to him but not repulsed (I have to get to know someone to fancy them), good job, settled, very career focused, doesn’t get my sense of humour much and doesn’t challenge me. He’s basically very very nice and sweet.

1. Man who apparently wants to give me everything...all the things I dreamed of like a nice home (yes I know it’s shallow but I would want for nothing material ever...don’t cling on to this point as I know other things are more important!), wants kids, great fun to chat with but below average in bed. He’s the only one I’ve dtd with so far though...possible the others aren’t great either

1. Good job, family sort of guy who wants kids, good to chat with, fancy visually more than all the others, lives the closest. Maybe not into all the same stuff I am, but I don’t think that matters.

I am notorious for picking bad boys. These men all seem quite similar when I’ve read back what I’ve put! But sometimes I think maybe I’m a bit of a loner, I seem to attract men but don’t need them. Which then makes me think why not go with number 3 who is the keenest and I could live an easy life, expect with terrible sex. But then I get bored easily...I know I need to have the conversation soon because I can’t and don’t want to be dating four people, I really want to try and make something of a relationship.

Help me out guys! xx

I hit the dating apps hard and have found myself dating three seemingly decent men

Let's hope one of them is an accountant.

Anyway;

1. Roy Cropper.

1. Ben, the husband in Butterflies.

1. Love Bomber.

1. Guy Martin.

If you want hundreds of complete strangers to choose for you, then obviously all of them are OK.

NOT 1. The ‘joking’ about your different backgrounds is a huge red flag. I’ve been there myself. It’s unlikely it’s just a joke to him.

3 sounds too intense. Avoid him too.

4 sounds the best of a bad bunch but remember there are other men out there. You obviously don’t have problems attracting men to date, make the most of it and see who else turns up.

Agree with the poster who said if you have to ask, none of them are right for you. Keep looking for someone you don’t have to wonder about!

Which of them has offered to cook you a meal at theirs? Which of them can you imagine holding your hair out of your face while you throw up in the loo? Which of them would you enjoy lounging on a sofa and watching a good or crap movie with? (and would understand why you think it is a good or crap movie?!) Do any of them display stinginess? Any of them rude to waitresses, how do they talk to cleaners? What are they like with children? (clueless is fine, a look of distaste, not so much).

Beware the traits that look like cute quirks when you only have to put up with them occasionally, but are like death by a thousand cuts if you have to live with them.

THESE are the

You could try a sperm bank.
And get a dog.

Maybe 1. Or 4. Definitely not 2 or 3.

Get rid of 2 and 3 . See more of 1 and 4 . (I'm sensing number 4 though as that is the only one you fancy the most .)

1 or 4

Do any of them give you fanny gallops?

And YY to shagging them all and reporting back. We need updates. In the name of science and all that.

I'm less keen on number 1 than others seem to be. Why is it a bad thing that you're outspoken, and why do you need to be challenged on it? It's good to have intellectual stimulation but the way you phrased it makes it sound like he just "puts you in your place". Yuk.

Number 4 if you're determined that it has to be one of these. But I think you could afford to keep looking for a couple more months while keeping your options open.

In the spirit of enquiry, which dating app are you using? I am in awe at the idea of an app that yielded up four basically normal men and where you reckon you could find more if necessary.

I think number 1. You look forward to seeing him the most and him challenging you on things means he's not a doormat and obviously has a brain.

I think you should end things with 2 and 3 and then things might become clearer with 1 and 4.

Dump them all and get four more, repeat until you find one who stands out in some way from the crowd.

Butterflies a little bit when I speak to 1. But like I say I’ve never fancied someone straight away.

Is it just me or is that a little odd?

When I was your age, (and even now as a dirty old woman) I'd want to jump on complete strangers who I might see in a lift or queue and chat to. I could just FEEL the attraction. It's animal-like, even though they may not be my type in other ways.

Have you never felt that? Are you a sexual person or is it all about what's between their ears? (You can have both you know.) Personally, I can tell in 30 seconds if I fancy a bloke although I did date one for years who I felt 'neutral' about when we first met.

1 or 4. You haven't said much about 4 so either it's new and you don't know him very well yet, or you're not as interested in him?

Definitely not 2 or 3.

Also this
"I think you should end things with 2 and 3 and then things might become clearer with 1 and 4."

If they are not doing it for you after 3 dates then I'd say it's never going to happen.

There are plenty more men out there and you really don't need to settle for any of these 4. Keep 2 perhaps for another couple of dates but also keep looking.

After 3 dates you really ought to be thinking that someone does it for you and you want to see more of them. It's a waste of your time to try to make yourself like someone just because you want to settle down. Recipe for disaster.

Deliberately not read any other replies before posting 😊. My gut feel from what you have given us to go on is #4! Good luck (and keep us posted!!!)

1 or 4

"have found myself dating three seemingly decent men...met each of them three times"
You say three and then list 4. Have you met all 4 three times?

Darn I really should have read all OP's posts before replying!

" 4 has a good career but is very sensible with work life balance"
This is a really strong point in favour of 4 IMO. A man who values work/life balance should be a good partner and father, more likely to be around and do his share of housework and childcare as well as valuing family time. A more career-focused man is attractive when you don't have kids but if he's not willing to make career sacrifices, he might expect you to be the one who sacrifices yours.
Also on reflection I'm not convinced by 1 as he is "very opinionated" and challenges you when you're "outspoken", this is good in some ways if he's your intellectual match and not a pushover - it's important that you're equals and it can be fun to have debates when you're dating. But when you settle down together and have to make joint decisions about everything, it can be absolutely bloody exhausting to have to battle over every single thing. I married someone just as opinionated as me, can you tell I have mixed feelings?!

@Honeyandicecream
TBH its's ridiculous you are thinking of men as marriage material after 3 dates. Yes, you want to settle down I get that 100% and it's fine. But you can't possibly make a choice on any of them re marriage and kids after 3 dates! That's why people date/ go out, whatever you call it for years before making a decision! (DH and I dated for 2.5 years before he proposed.)

You need to have a gut feeling for who you enjoy being with.

I think you are unusual in not knowing if you have sexual feelings for a guy until months have passed- that's a bit odd. I DO get that you might need an emotional connection before sex but that's not what you seem to be describing.

You appear to be saying you only get into a sexual relationship once you have built up a friendship.

I don't know- I'm really confused as this is not how most people work- they lust after someone usually (or maybe for some it's a slow burn) then ponder over whether they are long term partnership material.

You seem to be reversing that!

When your phone pings, who do you hope it is? Who do you look forward to seeing? Who makes you want to dress up and put on high heels.

I'm betting none of them.

You sound like you are trying to talk yourself into settling. Don't settle.

Keep seeing 1 and 4 for find out more but definitely break things off with 2 and 3

I would say none of them.
You are obviously not ready for a relationship and seem to be doing it just cause you want to settle down.
Also and I understand I maybe a bit old fashioned in this, but if I was dating a man, I would automatically assume it was exclusive, unless he told me otherwise. Your behaviour to me sounds very suspect and thats putting it kindly.

You need to sack 2&3 off, then spend a bit more time with 1&4 before making a decision.

Definitely not the first 3!

I would dump 1, 2 and 3, and I'd go out with 4 for a while. He sounds a really good match. Don't go for 1 with all that crap about different backgrounds - he should've grown out of that by now. And 3 might buy you stuff but that will never be enough for you. As for no. 2, "not repulsed" is quite telling, and he doesn't get your sense of humour, so he has to go.