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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He finishes with me all the time

150 replies

love21 · 06/10/2019 06:59

Been with him 3 years, he can be amazing, romantic, funny and adorable but he has another side where he moans about my children, he is not keen on my friends. He left this time over a t shirt I washed which I thought was my sons but it was my sons dads t shirt, if I’d have know it was my exes I wouldn’t have washed it. I told him the truth but he nagged and left me and told me that his life is running out and he said I’m controlled by my kids. I’m broken again - it’s 13th time he’s quit on me ! I love him so much, I’ve been strong and not contacted him negging him back like I usually do, it’s been a week - should I message him and what do I say. My kids know that he really just wants me as he is a bit on and off with them. I’m constantly obsessing over him and life sucks without him - I’m 55

OP posts:
Mishappening · 06/10/2019 10:04

He finished with you 13 times - no he didn't - he bribed and manipulated you into think he is leaving for good in order to get his own way.

Do you not think you might deserve better? - and your children.

Take it from me, it is not a huge step from 55 to starting to become a bit decrepit - get rid of this dreadful man and live your life while you are still young enough and strong enough to do so. You are wasting your one precious life on him.

mummmy2017 · 06/10/2019 10:04

Your not HIS true love.
He does not care that he hurts you.
He thinks a TShirt is more important than your heart.
He things that a grown man matters more than a teen.
He can see you crying and begging and instead of stopping the tears, he make you spill even more.
When does he ever beg of you.
Why does he matter more .

mankyfourthtoe · 06/10/2019 10:04

Somebody who treats you like crap isn't your true love.
Somebody who doesn't treat your children well isn't your true love.
Somebody who swans in and out of your life isn't your true love.

mankyfourthtoe · 06/10/2019 10:05

And someone who finishes with you every three months on average, isn't your true love.

TSSDNCOP · 06/10/2019 10:07

Jesus wept woman. Dump the wanker.

Elieza · 06/10/2019 10:08

I’m glad you are starting to realise how he’s reeled you in and that although you feel like he’s the love of your life, you are very definitely not the love of his.

You can move past this. Your children are your first responsibility. They should see you as a good role model for how to live their lives and not have this man coming and going as he pleases. Would you be happy if this happened to your child when they are older? I think not. I think you would be telling them to move on he’s a waste of skin. Don’t make your age the excuse for not having a good life. It’s not too late, plenty people are in the same boat.

No normal person splits up over a t-shirt so he’s clearly manipulating you and making that an excuse to storm off in a huff. Even if it was a £200 t-shirt that you shrank if something he shouldn’t be splitting up over it, he would be allowed to be gutted about that type of accident but understanding if that happened but not split up over it!

You deserve better. He’s not The One. Make yourself a life without him. He’s a user when it suits him and he’s a manipulator you can do without. Good luck with your new life OPFlowers

GeneHuntLover · 06/10/2019 10:11

Your kids deserve much better than both of you, put them first and fuck this 'man' off and get some self respect

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 06/10/2019 10:22

What's the point of staying with him? You fall out so badly that he leaves you? Over a t shirt? That's no relationship. 13 times he's left you in 3 years? Call it quits and find a REAL relationship. One where you actually get along.

Duchessofealing · 06/10/2019 10:27

OP be strong - save this thread and read it when you are struggling. This man is a total prick - you can do so much better. Your true love will love you for who you are - and that’s the package you come as.

PurpleWithRed · 06/10/2019 10:30

He's a controlling twat and you're well shot of him; your own kids are very very well shot of him. Change the locks while he's out and devote some time to working out why you accepted this situation for so long, and make sure your children don't grow up associating fear of rejection with love.

CardsforKittens · 06/10/2019 10:31

I had a boyfriend who broke up with me every time we had a disagreement. He always insisted he was right and would never try to see my side of things. Every time I tried to smooth things over and I apologised and did whatever it was he wanted, until one day I’d just had enough of it. It was so one-sided. We were both in our early 20s but he’d be in his 50s now, and if he’s still pulling this shit he could be your boyfriend. It’s so immature and it’s not an indication of love - it’s too selfish. You deserve better.

Ludways · 06/10/2019 10:32

I'm 52 and I don't feel that I'm on the last chance of any part of my life. I'm starting to feel older and more fragile in some ways but I certainly don't feel anything is my 'last chance' to do anything. I'm in a loving marriage so I know it's easy to say that I wouldn't put up with anything to be in a relationship. If dh and I split, I admit I'd miss the love, the intimacy and the laughs we have but I know without a doubt I wouldn't give up my peaceful life and my relaxed home to get it back, I wouldn't want to worry and feel on egg shells in the home I'd built for me and my children.
I know you feel that your children are nearly grown and that they're more independent, but they need your attention as much now as ever before, they just need it in a different way now, concentrate on them and get out and build some new friendships that bring you joy, not angst.

MadameButterface · 06/10/2019 10:34

Don’t be silly

The One/True Love doesn’t exist, there are nice people and nasty people and people who are a bit of both, and most of us randomly get together with an assortment and either settle down, or don’t, or do for a bit then split up, there’s no meaning and no pattern and it shouldn’t be this hard sorry

If you do message him the only thing you need to discuss is when he is removing his possessions from your property, he sounds like a twat, do you want to be stuck pandering to these horrible moods forever or do you want to enjoy life

quincejamplease · 06/10/2019 10:38

Maybe you should go on the Freedom Programme?

They can explain to you what love would have looked like.

Because this is just coercive control.

DCITennison · 06/10/2019 10:41

GeneHuntLover “Your kids deserve much better than both of you...”

Yep!

Faith50 · 06/10/2019 10:41

I had an ex who played games with me. If I arrived late or irritated him in some way, he would threaten not to accompany me to a forthcoming event. He would also threaten to end it just before I left his flat so I would have an emotional journey home. It is controlling, abusive and spiteful. People who do this know you are far more invested in the relationship than they are. My ex used to regularly test how far he could push me and I am ashamed to say I tolerated his behaviour for four years. I left in the end and he begged me not to.

Get out before he knocks all the confidence out of you.

DCITennison · 06/10/2019 10:48

How can you like, let alone love, let alone be fucking swooning over, someone who can’t even tolerate your children?

The selfishness in that is staggering.

littlebillie · 06/10/2019 12:37

Think of what you have told us and you would tell a friend.

I think you know what you would say

Queenoftheashes · 06/10/2019 12:45

He is a shit. Flush him like one.

Mimithemouse · 06/10/2019 12:51

55??

LightDrizzle · 06/10/2019 13:11

Your children will be grown up in the blink of an eye.
How do you think they will look back on the past 3 years, and your role in it? You will never get this time back again.
One of the great unexpected joys of my life is my relationship with my adult children, we will have that unconditional love and friendship between us until I die (hopefully).
For the next few years your children come first, that doesn’t mean you are their slave and don’t get time with friends or even a relationship. But what are you thinking having a relationship with a man who resents your children? Not to mention the fact that he is obviously a prize twat even taking the children out of the equation.
No romantic relationship is infinitely preferable to a crap one.

Mishappening · 06/10/2019 13:14

Ludways - you do not know what is around the corner - I didn't and wish I had grabbed life when I was 52 before the shit fell upon me.

StoatofDisarray · 06/10/2019 13:15

You took him back 12 times. Don't do it a 13th time.

simplekindoflife · 06/10/2019 14:01

This is no way to live! He sounds horrible!

Your poor sons too...

Don't waste anymore of your precious time and energy on him. He's really not worth it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2019 14:04

You’re 55? Act your age woman. This man is pathetic. End it for good. Stop attaching to your own weakness as if it should make every important decision for you.

Let your strength and intelligence make a decision for once. You can do it 💪🏼