I never met the right one for me and this is it

[RosyMail]

Just as the title says. All my friends are married and most with kids.

I’ve done the usual stuff, got a career, a house, traveled, joined clubs, go to the gym. I’m not a model but I had male attention.

I’ve stopped online dating. Never found anyone I fell for. I’m just so sad. This is it for me now. Just the same old shit everyday, the same stuff I’ve been doing for years on end.

How do I deal with this? I can’t live the rest of my life this way

Cats are fabulous.

But pets aren’t humans and I really don’t think animals should ever be suggested as a replacement.

No one was suggesting a pet as a replacement!
But a way to enhance OP's life a bit.

I know you weren’t Emma but sometimes these threads do fixate a bit around get a dog, join a club ... it can get a bit wearisome!

Most cats and dogs have more personality and are better company than men anyway.

They don’t talk to you. They don’t earn money. You can’t have sex with them, and if you’re considering that you really need to get help! They can’t father your children. They can’t share the emotional load.

Again people trying to be helpful and I am grateful, but a pet is not the same as a husband or child.

No one is saying they're the same FFS.
I have been very supportive and all I did was make a lighthearted comment about preferring cats to dogs.

"Most cats and dogs have more personality and are better company than men anyway."
Way too lighthearted for the thread but this did make me laugh

I know Emma. I think you have been extremely supportive and kind on here. I was actually replying to Boysey45

Maybe it was lighthearted, but I feel real grief at going into my middle age alone and these comments are SO unhelpful.

As PP have said, it sounds as though you perhaps need a break from dating but don't give it up altogether. If it's clearly what you crave then why would you close yourself off to opportunities?

I always espouse the benefits of OLD. Most people I know in relationships met this way, my DH and I included.

Emma I wasn’t having a go and your comments have been really kind.

Generally I find people who are in relationships with children can make these statements about clubs and pets and smiling (!!) but then why did they decide to get married! It’s all well and good saying the grass is always greener but nearly everyone wants love with another human being in their life

Rosy I hear you.

I was single for a long time in my late 20s/early 30s and I let it consume me. All my unhappiness was blamed on that one thing that was missing and I looked at people in couples with a sense of envy and longing so strong it was painful.

I'm coupled up now, but life still has its ups and downs. Dont make the mistake of thinking there is only this one way to be happy. I wasted those years wishing I had something I didn't, when I could have been creating happiness in other ways.

I was married at 33. Divorced at 37. Single for 6 years before I went on another date. Married at 45 and this ones a keeper.

Life does not have to be doing the same things month after month. Many people feel like you do, but only a few are willing to make the life changes. Open your horizons, learn to sail a yacht (lots of single men on the day skipper courses), or learn to rock climb, do a parachute course, take tennis coaching, learn to ride a horse, take up running, join a gym, do your hgv license, learn to kite surf. The whole beautiful world is out there . . .

I get that you have tried everything and are sad to the point of hopelessness and that glib suggestions just make it worse. So I won’t offer any.

But,

My mum found a second shot at happiness with a (younger!) man in her late forties.

My dad has married again last year at the age of 60+

It’s never too late and it absolutely can still happen for you.

I’m so glad that you went on the date and had a lovely time.

I think you are probably just fatigued. You have been trying at this for an extended period now. I think you just need a bit of a break from that, so maybe give yourself a month or two of not bothering.

And, although it’s not at all the same thing, perhaps you could actually consider getting a pet. They are not human, no, but a cat or a dog (or a rabbit! I love rabbits) is a living, breathing creature who will be there on long, dark, lonely nights. They are good for snuggles and companionship and just having something to care about and look after. It’s incredible how much comfort it can bring. And if you rescue a cat (for example), you’re also doing something of real purpose and meaning to that creature’s life. Something to think about, maybe?

@RosyMail it's your attitude holding you back, believe me. Sounds like you have a life most people envy but you sound so negative and down beat, nothing will change until you start being a bit more optimistic. Harsh but true. I'm the same age, met my partner a year ago and we definitely plan on a family. Saying you're too old is ridiculous!

I don't think the OP should get a dog as she presumably works full time. She could though join "borrowmydoggy".

So many people talk to you when you have a dog with you. I met DH when he was out with his dogs and I stopped to stroke them.

One of my nieces met her boyfriend through walking a dog (not her dog but through borrowmydoggy).

I do think though that it's true that the grass is always greener. You could meet someone, have children etc but not be happy. Most of my friends with children are far from happy

An elderly dog would likely be fine, if they are used to being left. OP might also be able to go home at lunch to feed it or use some of her disposable income on a dog walker. Logistics are for the OP to consider (and anyway OP might be adamant that she doesn’t want a pet!). I was really thinking a cat (or cats) though.

Surely elderly dogs are expensive in terms of insurance and medical bills, plus they will die soon, which is not anything that will benefit the OP needs since she does not want dogs anyway.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm 47, no kids, no partner, no parents - it's pretty much just me. I would have loved to have kids and a partner, but it didn't happen. I wasn't particularly choosy - just wanted someone with some of the same interests and the same political leaning as me. But I never really got asked out much, most guys I liked were already taken, and I didn't get a lot of "likes" on internet dating - maybe I come across as boring or ugly; I'm definitely at the "plain" end of the spectrum when it comes to looks I think. Add to this caring for terminally ill parents in my 20s and 30s which was an understandable priority at the time.

Once I hit 40 I realised kids were probably not going to happen. Ditto a husband - I've only had two boyfriends my entire life. I had a real depression about it for a couple of years. But a couple of things contrived to make things a bit better. My friends kids started to get older, so they started to reconnect. I actively started to make friends with women like me - single, no kids - and with women of older generations, who are wonderful and wise. And I embraced my introvert tendencies and became happy with my own space and time.

I don't go looking for that potential partner any more. Our clubbing days are over, and my friends and I spend our money on lunches and dinners, museums and galleries, all child-free. I go walking - either on my own or with a small group. A single friend has introduced me to climbing, which I love far more than I ever thought I would. I used to go on holiday with Exodus and Explore to try and find a bloke, until I realised that so did half the group, so pity the lone man on the trip! Now I go for me. That man may come along one day, and I'm open to it, but I have a life to live, not to waste.

My point is, try and be realistic that it might not happen, so that if it doesn't, there isn't such a gaping hole where your husband and kids might have been. Invest in yourself, and be kind to yourself. My approach is to be optimistic but realistic.

Elderly rescue dogs from some rescues have vet bills paid for by the rescue.

On cost, OP does not sound as if she is struggling with a lack of disposable income. And If Op doesn’t want a dog then she obviously won’t get one.

It wouldn’t bother me that an elderly dog may only live with me for 2 years or so - they would be spoilt and looked after in their old age and that would bring some purpose and meaning for me to balance out the difficulty of losing them so soon.

But this is really a discussion for another thread. OP can take or leave it, can’t she.

Christ this is turning into a list of people rubbing Rosy's face in the fact they have husbands, plus a whole bunch of patronising head tilting about fucking yacht clubs and smiling.

The poor woman is clearly just sick to the back teeth of constantly being "on" in terms of grinning like an idiot and putting herself out there. Maybe she just wanted to rant.

Give her a break and just have some bloody sympathy instead of telling her about your partner and babies or that she needs to join yet another bloody club.

I will be totally honest here, I’m not the OP. I don’t like dogs. I don’t like them at all. I don’t like the smell, I don’t like the jumping up or the barking. I do like cats. But dog or cats they aren’t a person.

Absolutely, they aren’t a person. They’re not going to solve that problem. But they might help to ease the loneliness a little, in a different way.

Obviously OP gets to decide whether she wants a dog/cat/whatever or not, no one is going to put a gun to her head and make her get one!

But when you’re suffering like this you need to shift away from trying to solve a problem you can’t solve, and think about what you might be able to do to enhance your life, to increase your wellbeing and contentment, in the meantime.

No cats and dogs are not people and, of course, the OP may not even be much of an animal lover.

I do agree though that a dog can help you meet people, make new friends (of the OP wanted to) and may help her meet a man. I know a few couples who have met through their dogs.