I never met the right one for me and this is it

[RosyMail]

Just as the title says. All my friends are married and most with kids.

I’ve done the usual stuff, got a career, a house, traveled, joined clubs, go to the gym. I’m not a model but I had male attention.

I’ve stopped online dating. Never found anyone I fell for. I’m just so sad. This is it for me now. Just the same old shit everyday, the same stuff I’ve been doing for years on end.

How do I deal with this? I can’t live the rest of my life this way

I’m sorry. I’ve been where you are and it feels tough.

I would recommend egg freezing as it keeps options open for longer for you and better to do that now at 36.

I had a child at 37 and have been a single parent for most of the last 7 years. It’s been incredible and I wish I had done it alone earlier.

I think living a meaningful life is important. Relationships and parenthood can be a source of deep meaning but I do believe there can be other sources. Is there a cause you are passionate about or something you can volunteer for?

I’ve done volunteering. I’ve had all the free time in the world over the years. Thanks for the advice I’m just feeling low today. I really have involved myself in all sorts of things.

Also, if you haven’t had therapy I would recommend it. I’m now in a relationship. It’s complicated as we both have children by different partners. We are mid 40s and I did not expect it but it has been wonderful!

Thanks. I have therapy.

It feels as if there’s something horribly wrong with me when people suggest that though. Lots of people have therapy and are married with children.

I had kids young but spent most of my twenties as a single mum. My circumstances were different to yours but I also felt stuck in a rut and lonely like I'd never meet anyone at 28.
Tried online dating and had no problem attracting men or being offered dates, but I never wanted a relationship with any of them as they weren't for me, or they turned out weird or horrible. I was ready to give up, but thought I'd give someone a chance after we exchanged a few messages. I ended up falling for him like I'd never had with anyone before. We're due to get married soon and have a little boy. I really did not see that coming.
So you're not too old, and you never know what's around the corner. You will meet someone. You just haven't found the right one yet.

It’s lonely though. I know anything can happen but it isn’t in a long long time.

Hasn’t not isn’t

I do get it. I've had LOADS of therapy for YEARS. One thing I do know is that, although I've worked really hard on my issues I don't feel that love is going to happen for me- so probably a self esteem thing there that needs more work

@RosyMail I hear you and I understand you.

It's fucking exhausting isn't it?
Always having to put yourself out there and try new things and be positive and cheerful and and and and and...

When the vast majority of people in your relationship pool are already in relationships. It doesn't matter if they are miserable or as loved up as possible - they're still unavailable!

I feel like I simply missed the boat at that age when all my peers were on it. I'm older than you so they're all well settled and then kids are teenagers and almost adults themselves!

And I know al the advice is genuinely meant kindly but honest to go it comes across so fucking patronising, like "oh I'd never have thought of joining a new club!!!"

It sucks and it's shit and I know how you feel and I understand why you want to rant about it.



you sound depressed with the situation.
you are very young and can meet someone or have a donor child (i wouldnt dismiss that idea.-freezing your eggs is a good idea, too)
some ads may help to take you out of this depression. theraphy; i am not sure.

It is shit but if you really desire to have a relationship and children then don't give up now. Take some time away from the dating scene to give yourself a break and then restart in a few months. I set myself a target of 50 dates and if nothing else happened I would give up online dating. I met my partner at about date 20.

I met my partner late in age and now have two young children. In my group A few friends were married at 30 and some happy some not, some now divorced. A couple of friends were very sad about lack of children /relationships but have gone through the grief and are very happy in their lives in their 40s (and I know it sounds like lip service But I think they are much happier on average than some of the married people).

Met my husband at 36.

I was you a few years ago. Hit a super low point. Completely depressed. One day I literally woke up, thought fuck this, joined tinder and that week met up with one man.

Married a year now.

Please don't give up hope.

Buzz, thank you. It does feel like that even though I know people are well meaning. I really have got on with it, maybe I could have done more but I know I have got out there more than many of my friends who are married with children.

I start to wonder why I am in this situation when all I wanted from a young age was a family. I have been lucky with my career and my friends and family, but never met that person for me.

@RosyMail I hear you, things don't change for ages but when they do they do. I've been in your shoes, loneliness can be crippling.

I used to stop at the supermarket after work and just wonder around as the thought of going home to an empty house made me depressed. Things can and will change and it's usually when you least expect it, just don't lose hope.

User that is exactly what I do. I have horrible anxiety going into supermarkets when busy as they are mostly full of families. Even the ‘family size’ marketing makes me feel so isolated! I’ve then been known to drive round a little longer to feel like I have a purpose.

I am so sorry OP. You’ve had such shitty replies as well.

I was the single one for years, I sat through all the patronising bead tilts and ‘join walking clubs’. I went home from so many weddings and baby showers and cried myself to sleep.

The truth of it is that it’s your luck and whether Cupid/ flying dwarf/ fate lends a hand and sticks you in the same room with someone compatible.

I hope your luck changes soon.

I really did think about going it alone because I wanted to be a mum more than anything. I don’t know whether I could have gone through with it but maybe you could research it more.

*patronising head tilts

Thanks wannabe. I have done all that too! The crying after weddings etc even though I’ve actually had a lovely time but just felt very very alone.

It’s funny because people seem to think being involved in more activities suddenly fixes things. You can be in all the activities you like but if you don’t meet the right person you don’t. And then after a while just being there feels even worse than having stayed at home!

Oh dear OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I am the same age as you, just out of a long term relationship and feeling quite chipper about my prospects I will catch up on the rest of the thread but really I think there’s plenty of life left for us both!

*plenty of life and HOPE

All of my friends had children in their late 30s. Where I live it’s the norm. Also got lots of friends who met someone after 35 and literally had kids within a year. Everything happens a lot faster. Don’t give up yet. But if you really want kids and don’t find anyone then why not go it alone? My mum was a single parent and is so bloody glad she had me and my brother even though both our dads were dickheads absent.

I'm 40 I spent my twenties very single and was lucky to meet my partner 8 years ago. It can just happen and I know it can be hard on your own when others are moving forward. So I do get where you are coming from:
I've several friends late 30s who are single and no signs of relationships, so sometimes it does seem like it's difficult to meet the right people at our age groups and dating seems to be hard work! Have a break and refresh it sounds like you've got the rest of life sorted. Don't give up hope 36 sometimes feels old but it's really not.

I have been exactly where you are OP. Regularly single, all my friends got married and started having kids and I was 'the single friend'.

It got old fast. And like you, I got sick of people telling me to 'get out there'. I tried activities, online dating, going out to meet new people - all of it.

In the end, I stopped trying to meet someone with the express purpose of getting into a relationship. I started using online dating as my own personal social network. If I fancied eating at a new restaurant, or wanted to have a nice lunch after shopping, I'd find someone nice on Plenty of Fish and get something arranged. Didn't matter then if it didn't go anywhere.

I'm 37 now, and met my husband 4 years ago because I wanted to have a nice coffee on town on a Sunday and so set a date with him.

It's not fairy tale though. We've been trying for 2 years now for kids but looking like that's not in the cards for us. I had to stop comparing myself to the milestones of other people.

It's hard, I know. But if it's something you really want then stick at it. If you decide it's not for you, then stuff what other people are doing. Make your own way ☺️

@RosyMail I am very sorry if the therapy suggestion implied something was wrong with you. I found it a massive source of support when I was single as it was someone who could listen and reflect rather than give lots of annoying suggestions.

Well I'm one of those who suggested branching out to other clubs.

I say that not because I think you might want to take up a new hobby but because it will open the doors to a new pool of people you haven't yet met.

It's not meant to be patronising, it's meant as one human to another to try and buck you up cos you sound utterly fed up and I was frankly quite worried. And I'm sure you have done all those things, and every response you've given is that you've tried absolutely everything so are clearly destined to be alone. And I know you're fed up, insist you aren't depressed though, so not sure what else you expected or hoped for really.

So I'll respond how you appear to want, though I don't believe it. Yes, this is it for you. At 36 your whole life is mapped out on the basis of how the last few years have been, and will never change. So suck it up.

Its not what I believe, and I could have passed by and said nothing. But i was concerned at just how low you sounded.

Bottom line is, if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.

In the meantime I'll go back to the thread about the lady who has left her abusive partner today after many years and cheer her on, cos she wanted something and did something new.

Genuinely, I mean this well meaningly. Go to your GP. I appreciate it is hard to get a feel of someone online but some of the things you have said, phrases you've used, your sense that there is mo point in trying anything, with a negative response to everything, all indicators of depression.