I never met the right one for me and this is it

[RosyMail]

Just as the title says. All my friends are married and most with kids.

I’ve done the usual stuff, got a career, a house, traveled, joined clubs, go to the gym. I’m not a model but I had male attention.

I’ve stopped online dating. Never found anyone I fell for. I’m just so sad. This is it for me now. Just the same old shit everyday, the same stuff I’ve been doing for years on end.

How do I deal with this? I can’t live the rest of my life this way

Op I could have written your post word for word when I was 36. Years of painting on a smile, getting out there, etc etc. I wanted something real with someone and hadn't found it.

My advice is to accept your situation as it is for now. Accept that you are lonely. It's not a crime. You are entitled to your feelings. But accept that they will pass. Nothing ever stays the same, nothing.

I don't know if you will meet someone. But it is highly likely given what you've said. I decided personally to just get on with life and try to be happy and assume that somebody important was coming at some stage. He did arrive, I have a baby now and it is wonderful. I hope the same happens for you.

In the meantime wallow for a bit then try to find something you feel really passionate about. There are so many ways you can make a difference in the world. Don't accept a life that feels pointless.

Big hugs to you. I know what it feels like.

I won't say the same ol cliche things.

With any of the guys you have met, were there any that you liked? Or maybe I should say what was the common thing you didn't like about the ones you met?

Were there things in common about the ones you did decide to meet?

I do believe there is someone out there looking for someone just like you. It's just a matter of figuring it out.

Oh OP I felt so sad reading this. I met my husband at 22 and wonder if I hadn’t I think I’d have been in a similar situation. Marriage with kids isn’t perfect sometimes it’s not even 50% good. But I appreciate that a relationship feels like it is one up on what you have. I’d say at this point it’s a numbers game. Like a PP date even if it’s just because you want a companion to go somewhere with. But you have my sympathy. It must be incredibly lonely.

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish. I've been there as well. Barely even dated in my 20s/early 30s, felt like I was some kind of monster! It really affected my confidence and I had horrible depression. I was just terrible at flirting and couldn't speak to men, let alone establish some kind of dating relationship. And everyone else seemed to meet people so easily! I had a couple of short flings but nothing lasting and it wasn't fun when it seemed like everyone else had someone.

Online dating was a nightmare, I found. Full of idiots and people stringing you along until something better came along. On the rare occasion I did get a date it never went any further. And I was on dating sites for years with no luck. It was soul destroying. And there was no single guys at work, or friends of friend's husbands etc that I could meet either. Even tried speed dating once and got a free return ticket because I had no luck - when I went back it was full of the same people!

But then a man messaged me out of the blue. I'd been off the site for several months thinking I couldn't be arsed and I'd just get on with things on my own, I was done with it all. I nearly didn't reply as he lived on the other side of the world! But he was different and after a month mulling it over I sent a jokey reply and he responded. We've been together for nearly 5 years now long distance and got married a few weeks ago. It's not been easy, it's not for everyone and we're not even together yet as we need to sort a visa out but we're making it work.

So I was in a similar position and met someone eventually. Like you, I'd volunteered and never met anyone through that - it was full of old people. My town is full of old people. Do you live somewhere with a decent social scene or can you go somewhere nearby with plenty to do? I'd say just concentrate on yourself for now, set about making your life the way you want it and just enjoying life. If you need help with the anxiety maybe a doctor can help? I used to get very anxious as well. Breathing can help with that I find.

Sorry if this is no help but I wanted to respond. Life is a whole lot of chances and hopefully it will happen for you

Reading this its obvious what you need is a dog.You wont have time to be thinking about relationships as you'll be tidying up after it, feeding it and walking it.
I'm 49 and I don't know 1 relationship that's been decent amongst my friends or that has lasted.Be thankfull for what you have got OP that's your freedom.

I was too afraid to mention a dog. But when I was in my early thirties I was single for a couple of years and I happened to have the chance to look after my friend's golden retriever long term. She gave me pupose and was so much fun to be around. Seeing her happy on her walks made me stay in the moment and appreciate life. (It helped that I lived by a beach in a warm country). I would love a dog now, but travel too much and probably couldn't afford the amount of dog sitters/hime boarding I would need. If you are a dog person OP, give it a thought.

The OP might not like dogs, or more likely, she works full time.

How would she get a dog if she’s supporting herself presumably full time?

I can't think of anything worse than being tied to looking after a dog when the best thing about being single is not having to rush home from work and being able to have evenings out, days out, weekends away and holidays without having to worry about anything or anyone!

Then again I am not a dog person at all

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Sorry to those I attacked for the suggestion to go out to clubs and join groups. And also the therapy. I know it is really well meaning and sensible advice. I feel defensive because I have done it over and over and I know that’s the best way, it’s just hard.

Strangely I went on a date earlier after reading the ‘buck up’ messages (thank you!) and had a lovely time. Even if i don’t see him again I feel better for having gone, so thank you mumsnetters

I was 38, no serious relationships for several years, had been told I would likely struggle to conceive anyway, had sacrificed a career to care for a family member who’d now died, and not a career I could easily resurrect.

I spent a few months planning a wildly different future, in a different country, doing a different job. If I couldn’t have my dream, I’d make the most of the freedom I unwillingly had.

Then I met a man in the most unlikely circumstances. The opposite type of man to whom I’d normally be interested in. I got to know him as friends.

Within 6 months we married, and I conceived in the first few months of marriage.

Maybe the same will happen to you. But until it does, please don’t give up on life. Imagine - if you met your future husband a year from today, how would you wish you’d spent this last year of singleness?

Don’t give up. Go out!! My sister met her husband at just about to turn 37. And things happen quicker when you are older. Six months later they were engaged and six months later married. First baby born at just 38 and second one at end of 39 😀 so there is hope. Don’t give up!

And omg a dog makes it so easy to meet people. I’ve got one and meet loads. Makes it a lot easier to chat and for people to approach you. And I have to say she is such a BIG joy. If I was single I would still get a dog, as she brings so much happiness etc. We love her so much.

And if you don;t meet a man? What then? Are you really any more pointless than anyone else because of a chance of fate?

I'm mid 50s, no relationship and loving my life - because it is my chance of complete freedom.

You have that chance at a much younger age. Why waste it wishing for something everyone else has?

My parents were married for 50 plus years. They both died alone

What a weird thing to say. They still had 50+ years together.

In the sense of not being with eachother. .My mum had the world and his dog there (not her family).

They were not 50 plus happy years - I believe they were together for companionship and to not be alone. My Dad would have been happier if he had left.

There's this dream that 'together' is fulfillment. I don't think it is. It's sometimes hugely limiting and then after a 'less than' life, you die alone anyway.

Again I don't think this is helpful to the OP.
It's all too easy to point out the negatives of relationships but the fact is that the OP wants the chance to discover some of those negatives (and positives) for herself.

Right no offence but stop dismissing everyone's ideas and suggestions.

Try internet dating again. It worked for me (took 5 years) just have a bit of fun and see if anything happens.

Also smile more and get yourself out there. You could meet Mr right at the corner shop or volunteering as others have suggested.

You're still young!

Smile more 🤣🤣🤣

WOW OP, I bet you'd never thought of smiling more or internet dating!
What amazing brand new advice!

You'll be wed by Christmas with such expert tips!

How lovely that you went on a date OP, and here's hoping you do see him again - but if not, at least you did buck up and now you've done it once you know you can do it again.

I felt similar to you at 36 or so. I didn't want kids though so less pressure on time.
But I did get very sick of online dating and not being the type men marry (good friends with most ex's s though)
I gave it a total break and got a cat. Was happy to come home to soneone pleased to see me.
Have online dating another go following year and met someone, together 9 or do years now. But it's just luck. Sure you have to put yourself out there to meet lots of people but the "right one" is luck/timing etc.

Now a cat I approve of