I never met the right one for me and this is it

[RosyMail]

Just as the title says. All my friends are married and most with kids.

I’ve done the usual stuff, got a career, a house, traveled, joined clubs, go to the gym. I’m not a model but I had male attention.

I’ve stopped online dating. Never found anyone I fell for. I’m just so sad. This is it for me now. Just the same old shit everyday, the same stuff I’ve been doing for years on end.

How do I deal with this? I can’t live the rest of my life this way

You sound depressed. What about doing something exercise orientated to get the endorphins going? Do you like the outdoors? Have you thought about getting a dog? They're great companions and also help you to meet people and get out into the countryside.
p.s. I had my first child at 42 x

Thanks but I have done all the things you all suggest. I’ve done the random career moves or development to mix it up, I’ve joined new clubs, I’ve been chatty and kept up with dating. Because of this that’s why I just cannot see it changing

@RosyMail things never look like they will change until they do, it's that simple.

@RosyMail I'm sorry you feel like this but you're 36. You're not old. You're not past it. I was single at 36, all of my friends married with kids. I had the career, the house, the designer bags blah blah. I had to stop and think about how I wanted my future to look. I took the leap and decided to have a baby by myself. Fast forward to today, I'm nearly 42 and have two children. Still got the career and a bigger house. I'm happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. And so happy to have done this by myself having seen so many friends have crap husbands who let them and their kids down all the time.
This may not be the path for you, but there is happiness to be found. It just might not be the Disney fantasy that you think you want....

Those married men will come back on the market as they start to get divorced. If you don't mind the second hand market, there could be good choices there.

@blueshoes I'll be honest, that's depressing as hell 😬

Op I met dh when I was36 and we have two children (with no IVF)
It’s really not too late.

I'm sorry you feel like this, but I totally get it.

I spent my 30s very single - I had a good job and travelled loads, had lots of hobbies, social life etc but I just wanted a partner and to have a family and nothing was going to change that.

When I got to my late 30s I felt utter despair at running out of time and then met DP.

Ten years later, it's not been plain sailing but we're still together and I even managed to have two DC after 40.

I wish I knew what the answer was. People will say the grass is greener etc etc but it's no consolation when you want to give it a go yourself.

I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and frustration and ask you not to give up hope

I had my son when I was 36, friends have had children in their 40s
You've got time so take your time and don't settle.

I would echo what a previous poster said; that you sound a bit depressed, in that you are fairly steadfast in your attitude that your situation, regarding dating at least, is hopeless. You also seem to experience little joy about other things that you do, which can be another feature of depression. Perhaps it is worth speaking to your GP about your mental health? Don't discount medication if that ever crops up as a possibilty; for many who are experiencing temporary, transient challenges in life circumstances it's not the right option but in the right circumstances, for the right person, it can be a game changer.

OP
I think you should reconsider sperm donation.
I have one child already and would love to have more but I’ve been single since having my son 7 years ago and haven’t met anybody. One part of me thinks I should wait until I meet the right person and I can do thins differently this time but another part of me is being realistic and thinking - I could wait forever, and by the time I finally do meet someone; who’s to say we will have the picture perfect life I’m looking for ?
What if we have a baby and split and I’m doing it alone again ?

I think with sperm donation you know your doing it for you 100% and your expecting to get in with it alone from the get go. If you meet someone along the way, it’s a bonus.

I’m just saying think about it

Omg, in the nicest possible way, buck the fuck up. Nothing means anything because you will never have a relationship? Yeah, fuck that.

This is your life. The only life (as far as we can be sure) that you will ever have. So what if you never have a relationship? (You will, by the way - you're not even half way through your life, of course there is still love and passion and romance out there for you) But what if there isn't - there are all sorts of things which are just as good - risk and reward and surprise and connection and fucking gifts from the universe.

You don't have to be extraordinary and achieve magical things. You are allowed to just love your life and make a tiny spot of light. No one is watching anyway - just be you. It's enough.

The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?
I'm not sure you want suggestions of what to do as you sound like you are done with things at the moment.
Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Have you considered counselling?
Things can change very quickly in life, believe me, I know.

How are your other relationships, family and friends?

I honestly felt exactly the same at 36. Had been single for 7 years, done the dating, clubs, hobbies, career changes, moved countries etc etc. A few short relationships but nothing significant. I remember having the exact conversation with my friend ‘when I split up with X 7 years ago every one told me I’d meet someone else, in 7 years of doing everything possible it’s not happened for me, there’s absolutely no evidence to suggest it ever will and I’m so sick of people telling me it will. I’m officially giving up and just accepting that this is it for me and I’ll make a different kind of life for myself’.

Then I met my fiancé and we’re getting married in a couple of months. And seriously people would tell me the exact type of story I’m now telling you and I’d roll my eyes and think ‘yeah whatever that’s great for you’ so I’m sorry to be that person.

I was at the point of having appointments booked at a clinic to look into having a baby on my own. Instead I told DP on second date that I wanted children and soon and if he wasn’t on board it was best we forget the whole thing. Happily he was on board, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened, we’re undergoing fertility treatment but no joy so far and I’m 40 next week so I’m not optimistic. So I can’t say ‘oh the baby thing will be fine too I felt like you and now have 12 babies’ and it’s really shit and sad, but there we are.

Well I am a lot older than you and in the same position. If I'm not giving up on finding someone special neither should you lol

Having said the above, I did also love lots about my life even when thinking I’d always be single - great friends, lovely holidays, close relationships with my siblings and their kids, my dog, books, the peace of getting home and knowing I could do/watch/eat/wear whatever I wanted and never have to have the tv on if I didn’t want or negotiate over whether to put the heating on or what colour to paint the living room. Not going to lie I miss a lot of that at times.

I was in a long term relationship through my late teens and 20s, then single most of my 30s and now back in long term relationship. What I learned is I was/am just as sad just as often when in a relationship as when single - it’s just about different things.

@RosyMail I understand completely. It feels like you are going through a period of 'acceptance' that love/companionship/partnership etc isn't for you. It's a lonely and tough time. I'm a single mum and have only gone out twice in the last two years so I don't meet people and I don't like online dating, either.

This feeling will pass. I don't have a story to tell you like 'I met my soul mate just when I'd given up home' because that hasn't been the case for me. I'm 38 so a bit older than though. What I would say though is that single parenthood - although tough at times- is immensely rewarding for me, just like coupled parenthood. In my case I know I don't have clashes with my son's father over how to do things etc.

hope not home

I know it doesn't feel like it but it's no way too late, I met my husband at your age and a few years later had my DS. It feels shit now but actually you really are not that old honestly! Take a break from dating and then start again when you feel ready. I had loads of terrible dates but then I met my husband online with a really honest profile where I thought if someone answers this then they will probably be the one, and they were! Good luck, don't give upx

Have you thought of volunteering? I’ve done it in between jobs & it can be so rewarding. Also you may well meet someone!
I must admit, I felt like you & thought I’d end up an old maid. I met DH through Dateline in my mid 30s & we were engaged then married very soon after. It certainly hasn’t been easy & the relationship was abusive for a few years but we came out the other side & now I’m so glad we didn’t split up. Sadly we haven’t been able to have DC of our own but that wasn’t due to age. We adopted DD & couldn’t love her anymore than we do. Please don’t give up OP.

You sound depressed to me.

I also think the vast majority of these replies are very unhelpful, if I'm depressed or sad about something, I crave empathy and not someone lecturing me about being wrong to feel the way I do. It's especially unhelpful for people who've had relationships telling you that it's nothing special - it sounds to me like you would really like the opportunity to find that out for yourself.

I suggest that you get counselling to help you work through your feelings of sadness and help you accept your life as it is now or work out if there are any changes you want to make.

I know people are well meaning but I’m not sure I am clinically depressed, I’m just very sad about being alone. My life is otherwise lovely. That isn’t the same as depression.

I have an anxious sort of relationship with family for all sorts of reasons but we are close. I see them once or twice a month. I have good friends but good friends are not there when you fall asleep and wake up.

I know the grass is always greener but a life without you own family is empty. People saying enjoy life without someone yes I get that! I have done just that! I have done whatever I want and enjoyed it for many years, while hoping along the way I would find someone. I never met someone significant except a couple of times in my twenties and now I am completely fed up. I have no more energy to stay strong and happy and content. I never wanted a lonely life like this and nothing replaces family, no club no class not gym session.

Well none of us can diagnose you over the internet. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about how you've been feeling and see what they think. There are diagnostic questionnaires for depression. (When I have it I'm usually in denial about it half the time!)

And yes believe me I don’t expect a Cinderella story just a story with challenges and imperfections. But a story. Rather than an empty page.