Sex and Dating etiquette - worried I've messed up

[Disappoint]

I recently went on a second date. Three days after a first, both initiated by him. He seemed very keen. As soon as I arrived on that date, we made plans for our next date. However, on the end of the date, we had both had a few drinks and things got a bit heated and we ended up sleeping together. We have been speaking since, he has been asking questions and initiating conversation, and I just happened to ask to clarify what we'd discussed regarding the next date (as DDs dad had asked a question about arrangements for DD). I'm still waiting for a response.

I might well be jumping to conclusions, but I honestly feel like I just know. Ive been here a million times and I have a gut feeling I'm getting the brush off. It doesn't help that I've been let down a lot in the online dating world, I've generally developed quite a thick skin but that anxiety and lack of trust im finding really hard to get away from. My last relationship was also very manipulative and controlling, so my boundaries and trust are all over.

I can't stop beating myself up about sleeping with him now. Even though I know that if the sole reason he wasn't interested was because of that, then he wasn't worth my time anyway and I didn't do it because I expected anything, I did it because I wanted to at the time. But there's this horrible feeling in the back of my mind that is worrying I've done the complete wrong thing.

Talk me down, please!!

I don't understand why having sex with him works be the wrong thing. You both wanted it. If it was all he was after, best to find out now, if it wasn't you now know what he's like in that respect. I think I'd see it separate from how the relationship develops. It's too early to say about that, isn't it. Just carry on as normal.

I guess because I've always been conditioned that sex in the early days gives a wrong impression, and anyone I've had sex with relatively quickly has never really gone the distance.

But more recently I've generally thought, rightfully so, that if a man judged me solely based on the fact that we slept together quickly, then he isn't one worth having. So to stop thinking too far into these things and just do what I want to do at the time.

But now I'm getting no response and I feel really gutted and like maybe I've given off the wrong impression.

Even if you know it means a bloke's a twat, it's still not fun to be rejected. x But I don't think you know that yet- he might well get back to you soon.

I just don’t understand this about men. It seems if they have sex early on they usually lose interest. In my mind I would think they would want to have sex more often at least! It’s so strange and of course sex usually makes women more keen. So frustrating!!

Perhaps he will still go on the date with you and be interested. Don’t worry. But if he doesn’t then perhaps the next guy you meet and like, try and delay it a bit longer. I’ve found waiting makes them more keen. The longer they wait the more keen they get. In fact I’ve dated men I wasn’t that into (well more like went on dates w them) and I wouldn’t do a thing - no kissing or holding hands etc and they kept asking me out and were super keen. After a month or so I eventually would say I have decided I am feeling it more as friends. So lesson is if a guy is keen he will wait.

The one guy I slept with first date was because I was on a rebound and of course after a few dates/hookups he distanced himself. But I didn’t care as I was just on the rebound and more annoyed that he couldn’t continue to distract me from my ex (maybe he got this!).

And my husband waited three weeks to kiss me. We hung out like twice a week and I thought maybe he just likes me as friends! He wanted to get to know me etc.

Well still nothing, so it's not looking good. I'm just gutted as he was really enthusiastic about arranging our next date literally as we were leaving to head back. The sex is the only factor that changed. It must have been that. He must think really badly of me, and while I know this is not ok but it's still hurtful as deep down it's really not me (Not that it should matter if it was).

To be honest @Mamabear12 while I totally understand your point, and I'm sure they can't help how they feel if it makes them lose interest. But it's just not me I guess. If I like someone, I want to be able to be affectionate with someone or kiss them. That's just who I am and I dont want to have to pretend to be someone else to keep men interested.

I don't think he thinks badly of you. More likely he no longer needs to date you. It seems you have cut your losses here as he was wasting your time. Why would you want to date someone who only wants to shag as many people as possible?

If they think (which is basically what it boils down to) that a woman is either 'fast' or the type you take home to your mother, that's really old fashioned. Bunch of c*nts, men.

Hugs OP xxxxx

It's only been a few hours could it be that he has just got distracted and you are being paranoid?

So lesson is if a guy is keen he will wait.

But keen in what sense? I shagged my most signifiant ex within two hours of meeting him and we were together for years. I’ve also waited for months with men who were deceiving me in a very deliberate and calculated way, and ghosted/dumped me as soon as they got what they wanted.

I’d honestly be wary of this kind of game playing. Being a “challenge” attracts a certain kind of guy that you might not want to attract.

I’d just message him and ask him!

I hope the sex was good for you.

I don’t think there is a right time when dating to have sex with someone. Sex on the first date even need not be a bad thing. My own sister has been married for years to someone who she first had sex withi a couple of hours after meeting him.

The people I’ve had first date sex with (no regrets, if the passion is there and the chemistry right...) l have seen again.

Any sensible man who had a nice time would come back. But there are some stupid men out there too. If this doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up over it, you have just seen him in his true colours. Better to find out sooner rather than later. His loss. x

This ^^

Hope you are ok OP.

Its no consolation right now, but men who do that "fuck and run" thing are usually decidedly average in bed. You may have dodged a bullet, OP.

Thanks everyone. It's really helping reading all your comments!

Feeling a bit teary this morning and I don't know why. I feel a bit pathetic. I didn't expect to feel like this as I have done sex on the first date previously, it's never gone anywhere, and I've just shrugged it off as there were never any promises. I think it just feels worse that literally just before it happened he was going on about our next date, what we would do, where we would go, when was best for me. Like I said, I didn't do it for that reason, I did it because I wanted to and would've done whether we'd made plans or not. I even initiated it. But it just feels like solid proof to me that that's what put him off. And it feels horrible and has made me feel a bit worthless to be honest. Just rambling really.

Definitely what funny said!

And yes of course some men if you shag straight away they can still be keen and stick around. But it seems the majority like the wait/chase when observing dating from my gfs and myself.

Hes just a dick. Not all men the same. Me and my partner had sex on the first date and are still together with our dd now. Hes not worth your time or tears

Stop beating yourself up. You did NOTHING wrong here. I very much doubt he thinks badly of you at all. There is probably something else going on in the background - he could be dating others too.
I really don't think this should affect how you feel about yourself, or how you approach dating. Its so bloody old-fashioned to assume you have to wait to have sex. Its fine if that is how you feel but personally I'd rather find out sooner, rather than later. I slept with one guy on our first date and it was SO awful that I didn't see him again. Imagine if I'de become invested and was seeing him for weeks first?

He's a wanker, nothing on you at all.

I hope you had fun, but just shake it off op. Dick is plentiful and of low value.

You absolutely did nothing wrong OP. You’ll be ok, just give yourself some TLC this weekend and add him to the Twat List.

You’re mixing things up!

If he was actually interested in you as a person, as a potential partner then having sex in the second date would be a nice thing, not a bad thing.

If all he wanted was sex and now he’s ‘been there’ he doesn’t need to see you anymore then all you have done is shortened the ‘dating season’. Because he was never ‘partner’ potential.

If you thought he’d be a nice partner you’ve found out early that was never his intention. If you didn’t then you’ve had sex with a
Bloke you found attractive It’s a win / win really 🌷

I don’t think having sex changes how a guy thinks of you.
From my experience if he likes you and sees potential he will be really pleased he’s had sex with you and carry on, all good.
If he wasn’t that bothered or was unsure and he has sex with you, it won’t make him like you more if you see what I mean. So that’s where the shag and run thing comes in.
Basically if he really liked you it wouldn’t make him dislike you.
Basically if he was going to ditch you he would have eventually if you’d have had sex with him or not.

So don’t feel like you can’t have sex with someone just think of how you will feel if that is the outcome. If you know it will really hurt your feelings if they disappear after sex, don’t have sex with them.
If you want to have sex with them and are not bothered if you hear from them again afterward the go ahead.

You are being very harsh on yourself. If he is judging you over the sex then he is a hypocrite as it takes two to tango.

Better to know now than invest more.

Of course you feel sad, but it's still raw. Plan to do something nice for yourself this evening. In a few days you won't feel this low.

Mind yourself. And delete his number so you don't text him again x

No time for TLC I'm afraid as I have a little girl. Putting on a front.

I guess I'm just being harsh on myself because I initiated it. Feels like I've just brought it all on myself. He cracked jokes the next day about me being a 'bad influence' because he's not like that.

And the reason I'm worrying that he thinks badly of me is that throughout the dates he had a running joke that I'm the dating expert because apparently I seem like I've done it a lot. Even back at mine when I was making us drinks he commented on how 'I definitely host a lot'. I took it all to be lighthearted, but now I'm thinking he obviously thinks I just do this all time. He's a prick if he judges me on that, I know that. Still frustrating, because I actually don't.

Im rambling really. Feels better to get it all out to people who don't actually know me to laugh at me to be honest! I know I'm being pathetic, deep down...but jeez this feels crappy. I'm just so sick of being on my own, but I don't know how much more rejection I can take.