Sex and Dating etiquette - worried I've messed up

[Disappoint]

I recently went on a second date. Three days after a first, both initiated by him. He seemed very keen. As soon as I arrived on that date, we made plans for our next date. However, on the end of the date, we had both had a few drinks and things got a bit heated and we ended up sleeping together. We have been speaking since, he has been asking questions and initiating conversation, and I just happened to ask to clarify what we'd discussed regarding the next date (as DDs dad had asked a question about arrangements for DD). I'm still waiting for a response.

I might well be jumping to conclusions, but I honestly feel like I just know. Ive been here a million times and I have a gut feeling I'm getting the brush off. It doesn't help that I've been let down a lot in the online dating world, I've generally developed quite a thick skin but that anxiety and lack of trust im finding really hard to get away from. My last relationship was also very manipulative and controlling, so my boundaries and trust are all over.

I can't stop beating myself up about sleeping with him now. Even though I know that if the sole reason he wasn't interested was because of that, then he wasn't worth my time anyway and I didn't do it because I expected anything, I did it because I wanted to at the time. But there's this horrible feeling in the back of my mind that is worrying I've done the complete wrong thing.

Talk me down, please!!

I’ll believe it when I see it, what if you were spending 3-4 days/nights out of 7 with a guy and having no sex, you think he’d do this for 3 months?! No I don’t believe it, obviously once a week for 3 months then yes but imo he’d like you in that short time, anything could have happened between he and that woman, humans are weird.

I know your hurting just now and my heart goes out because it’s just happened to me too but I had sex quick and then he lost interest but my friend said to me “well if you had fun (which we were laughing for 4 days solid) then why see it as getting used” and I thought because I liked him and thought he liked me but there’s a difference in thinking a man likes you and gut instinct knowing that he likes you, I really feel like I’m done with men now because I don’t think I can take any more disappointment

Chasing and actually spending time are 2 different things though.

They date the women, have lovely times with them, seem really into them (and hit up their back-up woman for a shag afterwards). They're not having a horrible time waiting, they're enjoying themselves.

They’re utter bastards so they are

Mines had a girlfriend so that was my fault but he moaned about her all night to me and 2 of his mates, we are old school chums and he texted me today to tell me, and wait til you hear this, ‘not to call him or that because his girlfriend read the last text I sent’!! The background on this is: about 2-3 weeks ago I drunk messaged and didn’t realise until the next day and apparently his ‘crazy jealous possessive girlfriend’ read it and yet didn’t call me back or send me a nasty message and yet 3 weeks later he is texting me not to contact him, work that out ladies because I’m stumped!

He also put the monkey emoji with the hands over the eyes at the end of it🙈

I had a man today clearly try to set up just that situation @category12 ... spoke the other day, were going to go out but he then said that actually the fact I have a daughter means it's probably not a good idea as he doesn't really want that. I said fine, wished him well and thought how refreshing that he didn't try and lead me on!

Then today get a message 'we could still meet up though couldnt we 😉' I replied saying guess you're not having much luck then... he replied saying no actually I have a date tonight!! Charming 

I feel the same as you @Inappropriatefemale genuinely this close to just packing it in. Men will never ever make sense to me. I genuinely did have the 'gut feeling' you mention that this one liked me. I thought I'd got quite good at being able to tell but they clearly get better at acting!

Disappoint should have ‘ed’ at the end of it!

So what do you think of the guy who messaged me? Why not block me after his girlfriend apparently read my message to him then? This is what I don’t get?!

I had the guy feeling too and please don’t laugh you’s will all laugh but when I’m unsure of what’s going on with a man then I watch Tarot reading videos on You Tube and on Friday the love reading was that ‘my person was going to make contact within 7 days and declare his love for me’ and she said it could be 2 initials and she said his initial G and his sign of Sagittarius, and then when he messaged today I was so excited that I was shaking with nerves and it took me 45 mins to actually go in and read his What’s App and then it was that!

Gut feeling

Playing games I think, or likes me feeding his ego by messaging him, I just don’t get why he didn’t block me when I did that if his GF had indeed read it...mystified

@Inappropriatefemale yes you're probably right, ego boost. I'm convinced men like this do it all for an ego boost really, that's why they don't just get an escort or someone whose up for a no strings situation. It's probably great fun using different tactics to get a girl to think you're interested

I don’t actually believe that his girlfriend read the text, she would have called me, I have met her, she’s not the type to let me just lie and she would have blocked me from his phone herself, I don’t know his game but he’s got me all worked up, I’m annoyed I didn’t send a witty answer back, it took me about 3 hours to think of a witty answer which is typical, instead I sent ‘please don’t contact me again, thanks’ and he read it and sent nothing back!

Infact if he truly loved her, which I thought he did when he obviously chose her over me even after we really clicked etc, then he himself would have blocked me and he didn’t because I could always see if and when he was online etc, that’s how What’s App works, am I really stupid in thinking that he will make contact again?

Disappoint is there any chance on earth that your man does indeed like you but he is scared? These things can and do happen and I’ve had feelings like this before and instead of communicating how I really felt then I just walked away and I’ve regretted it for years, it was total fear that made me do it, fear of my feelings for him.

@Inappropriatefemale I honestly wouldn't give it the headspace. Easier said than done I know but he doesn't sound like a man worth having to be honest if he's cheating on his girlfriend and messing you around.

I honestly don't know. It would make sense as I really did get vibes off him. I know that does happen as I've spoken to guys who have admitted doing that. But it also would be a bit too convenient and coincidental that he decided he was scared instantly after sleeping with me. I'm left to believe that my instinct was very wrong, or something to do with us having sex changed his opinion on me. It's really hurtful but there's not much I can do anymore.

If this man got 'scared' then you shouldn't want to be with someone so emotionally immature anyway. OP, I've been in this kind of situation, I think many women have. It's not you, it's him. The red flags were there when he started with the madonna/whore complex shite. It's happened to me when I've slept with a bloke on a first or second date and I've been asked 'so, do you do this often?' clearly trying to cast you as a 'slag' because it's easier for them to deal with the situation if they dehumanise in this way and shift the guilt when they're just using you. Yes, he probably did judge you for sleeping with him early, which makes him a cunt. Unfortunately there are a lot of these men around and I don't have the answers as to where the decent ones are, I'm in the same position as you so I feel your pain. Just let it go, why be upset about this asshole's shitty opinion of you, his judgement is clearly sexist and hypocritical, you should be angry not hurt. Take it as a lesson in looking for red flags. I've made mistakes with men like this too, alcohol and being in a good mood because you're on a date (and horny) can completely flaw your judgement. I'm not dating at the moment but if/when I get back into it I intend not to drink at first, so I can stay fully aware. It might seem to take the fun out of it a bit, but better to give yourself a chance to see what you're getting into than getting carried away and ending up hurt. See it as an interview. Don't lose any sleep over this prick, you sound lovely - too nice in fact, he's a massive cunt.

...just seen how many swear words I used in that post - oops! I'm clearly a nasty slag and not a nice virgin girl who mother would like. I'm just angry on your behalf, OP, you're giving this guy way too much credit and I think you're exactly right about leading women on is giving them an ego boost. Plenty of men are upfront about just wanting to get laid on Tinder and it must work well enough for them or they wouldn't say that, after all some women just want the same. Some men don't just want to get laid though, they want a power trip by leading someone on, they might even prefer that part to the sex itself. I was on a date with a guy and we were having sex but then started with some incel-like, slut-shaming type talk. It seemed like he was more interested in arguing with me than actually having sex. That's why there are so many incels, they don't actually want sex with women, they like talking shit about women and get off on that abusive element instead. I don't know about your guy, but he sounds awful, please forget about him and emerge with a thicker skin.

They really hit our self esteem and self worth, like these types of men would be on Internet forums hurting about out behaviour towards them if the shoe was on the other foot, would they hell! I have seen many things said that will say ‘when a man says something to you then listen to him’ as if whatever he tells you regarding his feelings towards you is the gospel and it’s the fucking opposite! Honestly my man too was reading me a merry dance, he introduced me to his pals, spoke about whst our relationship would he like, this, that and all the other crap and he wasn’t even drunk and then his fucked up text today just as I really had began to accept that it wasn’t to be. (well not full acceptance but I was in a better place compared to the first week of September which is when we were last together)

This is fucking stupid, and someone please virtually hit me, but I wish I didn’t tell him to never contact me again, surely this is me showing hurt bye saying this when it would’ve been best to ignore or just send a wtf or whatever...god men

My friend who saw me during that week asked if I had been on the sunbeds because she said I was actually glowing and I got a nice compliment off a male pal of mine for looking good too and this was all because of the effect that this guy had on me, he made me glow and he made me fucking low that I didn’t eat for nearly 10 days!! I am so pathetic

OP. You are not pathetic. Please don't think that. Rejection hurts.

I wish I didn’t tell him to never contact me again

Nope, it's showing him you have boundaries. And now he's shown what he's like, won't be messed about.

@UpfieldHatesWomen thank you for that, it's really helped to hear. Everything you say is logical and what my logic head thinks, but it's difficult to stay logical when there's this horrible fog.

@Inappropriatefemale Hope you're ok. It's a shitty feeling, but don't feel bad for saying not to contact you. Because it really is for the best if he doesn't. He doesn't sound like a good person.

Thanks @oabiti. I'll be honest, I am still quite upset. Im angry at myself for letting it get to me so much, I really am. I don't think it helps that I saw my closest friend over the weekend and she basically gave me a big lecture. She has been saying how wonderful it's been to see me so sexually confident in myself recently and how I shouldn't need to care about it. But once I told her the story she basically told me that I need to consider it, that men may be happy to do it but when they reflect it's not what they want from a girl and it WILL put them off me. When I mentioned about the guy who I was seeing for a few months and it ended for other reasons (months after we slept together on the second date) she even told me that maybe it wouldn't have if I hadn't slept with him on the second date. Really hurtful to hear that opinion from my best friend and I'm now feeling like I no longer know how to act on dates and whether I can be myself. He's really done a number on me and the stupid thing is I still find myself hoping to hear again. What's wrong with me?!?! This is a man I barely know but I still find it difficult to believe it was all so fake. Urghhhhhhh

I don't mean this in a bad way-

I went out with a guy for 2 or 3 dates and he seemed really nice, he was attractive and intelligent. But the sex (which happened on about 2 occasions) was not to my taste, to the extent that I couldn't see him again. Of course I didn't say that to him- I texted him and I said that I didn't feel we were compatible, but he was a really nice bloke and I wished him well.

Some people's sexual style just doesn't do it for an individual, and it's not necessarily personal, nor does it reflect on you.

Just my random and probably tactless comment after some Baileys :)

Keep going and you will find the one for you xx

To clarify- whatever the reason, he's still really mean to ghost you of course.

I've had similar stuff happen to me- it is hurtful. Hugs xxx