Sex and Dating etiquette - worried I've messed up

[Disappoint]

I recently went on a second date. Three days after a first, both initiated by him. He seemed very keen. As soon as I arrived on that date, we made plans for our next date. However, on the end of the date, we had both had a few drinks and things got a bit heated and we ended up sleeping together. We have been speaking since, he has been asking questions and initiating conversation, and I just happened to ask to clarify what we'd discussed regarding the next date (as DDs dad had asked a question about arrangements for DD). I'm still waiting for a response.

I might well be jumping to conclusions, but I honestly feel like I just know. Ive been here a million times and I have a gut feeling I'm getting the brush off. It doesn't help that I've been let down a lot in the online dating world, I've generally developed quite a thick skin but that anxiety and lack of trust im finding really hard to get away from. My last relationship was also very manipulative and controlling, so my boundaries and trust are all over.

I can't stop beating myself up about sleeping with him now. Even though I know that if the sole reason he wasn't interested was because of that, then he wasn't worth my time anyway and I didn't do it because I expected anything, I did it because I wanted to at the time. But there's this horrible feeling in the back of my mind that is worrying I've done the complete wrong thing.

Talk me down, please!!

Not to mention he was the one initiating conversation, texting first, asking enthusiastic questions. So I genuinely did not see it coming when I simply asked so what the plan was for the weekend again.

Arghhhhhh

Given your recent couple of posts he sounds like a dick with a Madonna / Whore complex.

I have never gone with the idea of sleeping with someone after x amount of dates. I do it when it feels right. I slept with my husband an hour after meeting him and that was over 5 years ago. The time before that was on the second date and we were together for four years.

It is just sex and I have no time for mysigonists who judge you while participating themselves. If he only wanted sex you would have had the same result if you had slept with him after six dates, so I would rather know sooner.

Everyone judges when sex is right for them, but please stop beating yourself up. He isn't worth it

Ugh, the comments about you dating and hosting a lot, how judgy of him! He sounds a bit uptight to me. You've done nothing wrong and don't let him make you feel like you have.

It's not your fault. I really hate this sexist double standard of 'putting off the guy " by having sex too soon. Why can the guy have sex whenever he wants but if the girl does early then the guy judges her ?
If he likes you and hes not a loser, he will not be put off by that.
If he judges you or that's all he wanted, then good riddance.

Asshole. Be happy you haven't spent more time in his presence.

So he literally just ignored you when you asked about your next date which you had arranged? That’s awful. He could at least have called it off and been honest.

There are many many threads like this where the guy disappears after sex so you could have waited longer and he still would have done it.

It's just bringing back a lot I guess. I spent my entire relationship with my manipulative ex being broken up with, shouted at, and accused of being a slag. I spent so long defending myself that now I genuinely felt happy and confident in my decisions to do what I want, and now someone's made me feel that way again. It's honestly hit me way more than I expected it to.

Sorry for all this drip feed, and thanks again for all the comments. I don't like talking about these things with my friends as I'm starting to become the butt of all their jokes about how I can't hold down a man. So letting it out on this has been a lifeline.

If hes the sort that enjoys the chase he would've done this after 2 dates or 20 dates. You cant change people.

Men do this because they know admitting they dont want a relationship lessens the number of women who will have sex with them.

At least you found out early on OP that he’s a wanker so you’ve saved yourself some time.

So when I went on a first date with a guy my initial reaction to him was wow he was so hot alot better than in his pics as we met online
Anyway we had a few drinks and I slept with him I also initiated it but I thought he was just so gorgeous and what if he didn't want a 2nd date lol
We have been together a long time now lol with a DD
So if it feels right sometimes it is
Although if we hadn't went for a drink it would not have happened
Don't be so hard on yourself
Just move on and the next date u go on stay sober
Has he still not text u back yet? If u only sent him one text maybe u could text him again then write him off if he doesn't reply

Honestly. please stop thinking it was something you did or didn't do.

First date sex is actually a short-cut to weed out unsuitable men really.

Trust me, the truly nice guys don't judge you. I mean, do you want to go out with a bloke who would judge a lassie for having sex on a first date???

It's the ones who think sex on a first date means you love them that you have to look out for.

If he doesn't get back to you, you dodged a bullet. YAY YOU!! xx

He cracked jokes the next day about me being a 'bad influence' because he's not like that.

And the reason I'm worrying that he thinks badly of me is that throughout the dates he had a running joke that I'm the dating expert because apparently I seem like I've done it a lot. Even back at mine when I was making us drinks he commented on how 'I definitely host a lot'. I took it all to be lighthearted,

It's anything but, it's called negging - constantly putting you down in subtle ways to attack your self-esteem.

I spent my entire relationship with my manipulative ex being broken up with, shouted at, and accused of being a slag.

Explains a lot. This one's only implying you're a slag, rather than openly saying so, so you think he's different to your ex, but he's not.

You were both drunk and it really does cloud peoples decision making. You admit to having been in a previous terrible long term relationship so your self esteem is not as robust unfortunately. I think working on that would be good, how long have you been out of that relationship for? I have had one not so great BF but not even remotely as dreadful as how your ex sounds and I chose not to date for a year after we broke up, this was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Urgh, from your updates, bullet dodged. He was putting you down and he was a bit misogynistic. It's not you, it's him.

OP it was what you felt was right & wanted to do at the time

I slept with my DP on first date and we are now in the process of buying first home together, planning on having sprogs soon & talk of engagement etc.

Everyone is different, if it is meant to be it will be & if it wasn't.... well it won't.

I don't think timing has much to do with it.
I think that sex, for men, can be a bit all-encompassing in their dealings with women and that they often don't think about how they actually feel about a woman until they've had sex and are sitting lust-free in their refractory period.

When this sort of post-sex ghosting happens, I think it's usually when they've realised they don't have any other interest in the person they had sex with. I don't think there's a real time limit you can put on that.

A guy who is genuinely enjoying your company and the connection you have, will enjoy it regardless of when you have sex. I would say that in general it takes a lot less time to determine whether you want to have sex with someone, based on their physical characteristics, than it does to determine whether you "click".

Thanks everyone, feeling a bit better today. Honestly, I don't think it's even about him. I think I just feel like a complete fool and it's just not a nice feeling to have someone treat you that way. It's massively knocked my confidence.

@Adversecamber22 I have been out of that relationship for 2 years. However, he has never really left me alone despite being blocked on numerous forms. He's also local. I guess that doesn't really help. I did take a year out of dating when we split and in that time I bought a house, did really well in my career and when I started dating again I felt truly happy in myself and was just looking for some company. But time after time it ends like this and it chips away at me every time. I don't want to do it to myself but I also just don't want to be alone forever.

This isn't you messing up, this is him potentially showing his true colours.

If he has turned the blind eye after sex, then think of it this way: by having sex with him on the 2nd date instead of the 6th you've gained back weeks of your life you could have wasted on this man.

Consider doing the Freedom Programme to help with the aftereffects of your previous emotionally abusive relationship - I think you were overlooking "jokes" that actually had a nasty undercurrent to them that maybe should have made you wary, so it might help to reset your boundaries.

@category12 I discussed this with the women's aid but they weren't able to accommodate around me because the nature of my job means I can be anywhere any time. It was a difficult one to see really as we generally had that kind of chat, back and forth etc and making lighthearted fun. It was always in context so I guess it didn't really strike me as sinister.

Went against usual advice and sent him a text last night. I didn't go in all guns blazing and I didn't try and invite response. I just simply said that I hope everything is ok with him, that I felt that blanking was a bit uncalled for, that he clearly has an issue on what went on and whatever his reasons are, I would've really appreciated for him to have just been up front instead of doing a disappearing act. That it's a really shitty way to treat someone.

I've never text a ghoster before, but to be honest I'm tired of having to feel like this and never getting to say my piece. I didn't do it because I thought it would change the outcome or guilt trip him as I'm sure he doesn't even care. I did it for me, so I know there's no misunderstanding, I've said my piece, and the door is not open for him to wander back next time he's bored and make up some story (Which has happened to me before). Got nothing back so now a line has been drawn.

Still feels really crap that there are people out there who can be such good actors and care so little about how they treat people. I genuinely did think he was a genuine, nice guy... can't believe I got it so wrong again. I still feel a bit down, but today is a new week

Thanks again guys, it's been really nice having an outlet and not needing to feel embarrassed about how I feel.

There is an online version you can do.

I think it's fair enough to let him know you've closed the door on him.

Did you enjoy it?

If it was good, that's great! Does it have to happen again to mean anything? A lovely sexual encounter is something special.

In the past I never felt or enjoyed much the first time, and if that is you too, I can see why youd be so upset. And of course it's not good if someone you've had sex with ignores you. But otherwise- try and see it as something that has its own joy, even as a single time?

Well, if he’s set up a purity test that he willingly participated in just to see if you passed or failed, then he’s not only a twat, but he’s a hypocrite.

Anyone who thinks it’s fine to shag on a second date, but judges the person they were shagging for doing the same has some massive double standards. Double standards in a relationship never ever end well. Bullet dodged OP.

Your message sounds sensible; fair enough to call someone up on ghosting like that. You don't actually know if he ghosted you because he was judging you, though. He might equally have fancied a shag in the heat of the moment but then been afraid you might take that to mean you were now gf and bf, whereas he wasn't even sure he wanted to date you much longer. He might have had a date with another woman lined up and then really liked the look of her and didn't know how to drop you nicely after all that enthusiasm, so just hid his head in the sand. Lots of possibilities.

@category12 I didn't know that, it wasn't mentioned but I'll look into it. Thanks.

@TemporaryPermanent it wasn't no, I'm like you in that it takes some time for a man to get to know me and my preferences. I've been trying to put my finger on why it's hit such a nerve but thinking about it as you've said it, if i compare it to a time a few months ago where it happened on a first date, there were no promises or suggestions of anything more. I came away from it thinking I'd had a really fun night and if that's all I take away from it then who cares. Just like you say. I've also had a sort of situation with a long distance man. Had no expectations from that either due to distance, so I was fine then. But I don't feel that way this time I've just realised it was all BS to get me into bed. I can't really enjoy things for what they are when it makes me feel like I've been a bit of a play thing. Let's see how thick I can lay it on to get her into bed, then just not even acknowledge any of it ever again and not care how that looks. He was asking me to go to an event with him in over a months time ffs. I just feel conned. If you want a shag, you don't even need to say that. Just don't pretend like it isn't what you want all along and I'm fine.

@ravenmum I know that, but he must've known how it would look to me. Even if it's not the case, the way he's done it has made me feel judged and paranoid and I wanted him to know that's how it looks, even if it isn't what he intended. He didn't even need to tell the full bitter truth, even a 'oh my sisters racoon got sick and I just don't have time to date' would've sufficed.

Sorry for the ramble, I know this happens tonnes of time and I know you need thick skin for OLD. But I didn't expect to feel so shitty and it helps me feel less pathetic writing down why.