Sex and Dating etiquette - worried I've messed up

[Disappoint]

I recently went on a second date. Three days after a first, both initiated by him. He seemed very keen. As soon as I arrived on that date, we made plans for our next date. However, on the end of the date, we had both had a few drinks and things got a bit heated and we ended up sleeping together. We have been speaking since, he has been asking questions and initiating conversation, and I just happened to ask to clarify what we'd discussed regarding the next date (as DDs dad had asked a question about arrangements for DD). I'm still waiting for a response.

I might well be jumping to conclusions, but I honestly feel like I just know. Ive been here a million times and I have a gut feeling I'm getting the brush off. It doesn't help that I've been let down a lot in the online dating world, I've generally developed quite a thick skin but that anxiety and lack of trust im finding really hard to get away from. My last relationship was also very manipulative and controlling, so my boundaries and trust are all over.

I can't stop beating myself up about sleeping with him now. Even though I know that if the sole reason he wasn't interested was because of that, then he wasn't worth my time anyway and I didn't do it because I expected anything, I did it because I wanted to at the time. But there's this horrible feeling in the back of my mind that is worrying I've done the complete wrong thing.

Talk me down, please!!

When I was dating I always slept with them early on. Better to know a) if he's any good in bed and b) if he's a tosser early on.
In all honesty all my long term boyfriends have stemmed from sleeping with them on the first or second date so I don't personally subscribe to the whole 'make them wait' crap. I think if they're the type of guy who will ditch you after sex they'll do it regardless of whether it's date 1 or date 10

As long as it was something you wanted to do at the time then don't beat yourself up about it. Was he any good?

All of those reasons given for his ghosting still point to inconsiderate knober. Which ever mealy mouthed excuse people come up for him is just that, because he’s behaved like a twat.

It’s not you OP, it’s him. Knober and twat.

@wishywashy6 not particularly no!! Not bad, but not good either 

Thanks @Whatisthisfuckery that was my thought. it really is twatty I don't think I could ever treat any human being that way whatever my reason!! Better off out of that.

It's up to you when you have sex. But as you say, this happens a lot, after you've slept with them quickly, so I don't understand you would do the same thing again and again, and be surprised/upset by the result?

Disclaimer: I couldn't give two hoots and I am not trying to judge. Just going by what you've said.

That said, any decent man who was interested in something beyond sex, would not treat you any differently after doing the deed. And if you were treated differently, it would be in a positive way.

I hope you're okay, OP.

This recently happened to me, I slept with him quickly and I get the feeling if hadn’t then he would’ve been interested, men and their double standards, cunts.

Wishywashy I’m with you, I’ve mainly had sex quickly and it’s never stopped a man being interested, until last month

Ah well. Mark it down to experience. Nothing wrong with sleeping with him. The only thing that's wrong is him. Forget him. You.did.nothing.wrong.
Next!

@ Inappropriatefemale

Bit of a sweeping statement about men!

OP - he sounds like a nob, little comments, ghosting etc (I hate ghosting, its just bloody rude and immature).

Put it down to a good night out, average shag and crack on.

I met my partner/GF (how do you describe a mature relationship?) through a very clear hook up, we both had a great night, got utterly drunk and had a really crap shag.

First date/10th date does it matter - if either one of you is a nob nothing is going to change.

@Fromablokespoint yeah I suppose it is a sweeping statement but it’s largely due to the fact that I haven’t been treated very well by guys, obviously they aren’t all cunts, just the cunty ones are.

If I offended you with my sweepy statement then I do apologise, sorry have a drink on me!

@oabiti I didn't quite mean to this extent where they've seemed like they'd move mountains to see me again then drop off the face of the earth. Just more like it's never been in a serious thing.

@Inappropriatefemale it's such a crappy feeling. I can't put my finger on whether this guy would still be interested if it hadn't happened as he was so keen to see me again. Part of me thinks he would be, which makes it worse because although I know it makes him a tosser if it's changed his opinion of me, I also have the horrible niggling 'what if' feeling.

@Fromablokespoint it's true, if it's how he behaves, just the ghosting alone is enough to show his true colours.

Unfortunately I'm struggling a bit to shake this one off. It's really caught me off guard, knocked my confidence and upset me to be honest. I genuinely thought after being in the dating world for a while now that I knew all the signs. I've been pretty good at spotting the tossers or the only after one thing type. But there were so many signs that I thought he genuinely liked me that I haven't got off others (not just words, actions, that type of thing). Don't really trust my own judgement anymore. I know it was only 2 dates and i feel pathetic but I'm just a bit gutted.

Oh well, not much I can do about it now. Onwards and upwards.

Also can't shake this horrendous paranoia that perhaps it's something physical about me

I reckon he'll come back at some point. My experience is men don't like not having the last word where it's implied that they've behaved badly. This exact same thing happened to a friend of mine recently - she slept with a guy on the second date who had seemed super keen and then he completely vanished. She eventually texted him basically calling him out for ghosting her - didn't hear anything from him for a couple of weeks and then he popped back up full of apologies and excuses. He told her he thought she was great and really fancied her but just wasn't sure he was after a relationship after all

It's easy to assume that something about you has put him off and to berate yourself for sleeping with him too early, but I'm with a previous poster who said a guy could quite easily ditch you after waiting for ten dates before sleeping with him if that's all he's after. I think you have to try to see it as a blessing you found out that he's not a nice guy this early on, before becoming too invested. I can pretty much almost guarantee without even seeing you that it won't be remotely related to anything physical about you, it will be that he just wasn't feeling it for whatever reason (another thing I've been trying to entrench in my own brain is that when someone doesn't like you in the same way you like them, it's not a failing on your part - it just means that you aren't the right fit for each other as a couple) and has been too cowardly to say it to your face. You can do much, much better than someone who treats people that way I promise

If it's any consolation I've had this happen to me. I think it often happens with online dating. I've never been ghosted but I've had the "fade out" and then the break up text after a few dates.

It can effect your self confidence but I'm sure it is more about them not wanting commitment with anyone.

It's easy to say but try and put it down to experience.

I agree with the other posters - it shouldn't matter when you sleep with someone.

I always sleep with people first date and I’ve had loads of long term relationships. Seriously. Much better you found out now that he’s a time-wasting tool! Don’t be sad. This is totally and utterly YOUR lucky escape, and HIS loss. Xxx

I hear you, op.

It is difficult to know who's genuine.

The sad truth is though is that if you don’t want used for sex and then ghosted, then you simply have to wait to do it, waiting is far better really and you want each other far more!

...Men that only want sex will absolutely not keep dating a woman for too long if that’s all they want, it’s easy for men to get sex now with all the escorts online, maybe 20 years ago lots wouldn’t go into brothels but the internet has made paying for it so much easier these days and not all unattractive men can get the women that they truly fancy, I think unattractive men have unrealistic expectations as to who they can pull!

Oh that's not true, inappropriatefemale, some guys enjoy a challenge and will continue to date as long as it takes.

@Inappropriatefemale I just don't really buy into all that. I used to. But then I realised men who would do that probably have a similar mentality to my horrible ex. I don't ever want a man like that in my life again. Also, I was seeing someone a few months ago where it happened on the second time we met up. It didn't go the distance for other reasons, but for the time we did have a thing going on it was honestly so laid back and I felt so comfortable around him. I don't want to spend the early dating period on egg shells, if I like someone then I want to be able to do that. I don't think that means I should just expect to be ghosted. If that isn't what someone wants then they don't need to sleep with me. If it's all they want and nothing more then that's also fine, providing they at least have the courtesy to not bullshit me and make plans for the future. I'm perfectly capable of appreciating short things for what they are, as long as I know about it.

Still feeling a bit crappy to be honest. Think it's hit me that recently I've never been more happy and confident in dating and doing what I want, it's taken 2 years to get my ex's judgey mentality away from me and back to myself. And this guys unknowingly made me feel that way again. It's shitty. Also had a bit of a wobble because he updated his dating profile. So it's not someone else, or that he's not ready for anything... he genuinely just didn't want me 🤷🏽‍♀️

But I'm waffling. Not much that can be done and I'll have forgotten about it all soon enough.

What so 3-6 months then?! I doubt that to be honest, I’ve never seen or heard of that! A guy that does that must really really love a challenge

X post @Inappropriatefemale , I'd also like to add that while I don't know the ins and outs of why, I remembered a story he told me about how he was seeing someone for 3-4 months and then it 'fizzled out' but then he bumped into her and she was really upset and laid into him and he said it made him feel awful. Doesn't sound like a mutual fizzle to be honest. He claimed that it happened because he realised he didn't really like her in that way, so I'm sure it does happen.

But how do you know he used her for sex? I just don’t believe it, you know when a guy genuinely likes you and he’d need to to be a damn good actor for me not to notice in 3 months that he was just using me, because I’ve never heard of it, and nor have had it happen to me then I’m sorry but I’m in disbelief that a guy would wait that long for a shag if that’s all he wanted.

@Inappropriatefemale I did say I didn't know the ins and outs of what happened. I'm just saying it's entirely possible that a man will just 'go along with it' with someone they don't really like all that much, and ghost them when they don't want to go along with it. So it would make sense that people would do that after sex as well.

Yes, I've known of guys that have chased women for the challenge for months. They characteristically are not dating the challenge person exclusively (although she usually doesn't realise that) but have others on the go in the background. They're just interested in the notch on the bedpost and are perfectly happy to wait.