My life is in ruins - Affair with married man

[Stormtheprincess]

Hi

Two years ago my husband had an affair which resulted in the end of our marriage.

Fast forward 3 months and I became involved in a sexting relationship with a former colleague over Facebook.

This continued daily for for many months and I became emotionally attached to this man despite knowing he had a history of cheating on his wife several times over the years. He openly told me about his conquests. For whatever reason that wasn’t enough to put me off.

We met up and started seeing each other in person and I ended up pregnant with twins.

I told him about it and he said we couldn’t continue to be involved if I went ahead with the pregnancy. For weeks I went back and forth and kept changing my mind about what to do. My biggest fear was that he was lying to me and was involved with someone other than me and his wife as he had previously mentioned he had an affair that went on for years and years and said that woman had been in touch to meet up again but he declined. He came to my house, held my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me it was only me he wanted and there wasn’t anyone else and hadnt been the entire time we were I involved. He swore on the lives of his adult kids and grandson and in the end I had a termination but by this time I was 14 weeks gone.

On the day of the abortion he was at a family wedding and he did check on me that before morning but I was angry with him so he didn’t contact me again the rest of the day.

He said he hadn’t been on his phone the whole day.

Things got difficult for me after that, I was filled with regret and terrible guilt. I was open with him about my feelings. He seemed fairly supportive at that time.

I felt we had gotten closer due to it all and became more attached to him and felt like I loved him.

Something felt off, I can’t explain why but I asked him who the woman was that he had the affair with for years and he refused to tell me. That made alarm bells ring because I thought maybe he’s worried I find out something he doesn’t want me to know. After I pushed him he told me who she was and I knew of her but didn’t know her personally. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her if she was still in contact with him and stupidly I told him I was doing this.

She said she wasn’t but asked me a lot of questions which made me suspicious.

2 weeks went by and she messaged me and showed me pictures he has sent her on the day I had the abortion, so he had been on his phone and was busy sending her messages as I was bleeding out his twins. She also told me dates they had been together and send me copies of messages.

He came to my house and I said I can’t believe you lied to me and I believed you. Why that wasn’t hard for me to believe I’m not sure as he had been lying to his wife for 30 years so why would I be an exception to the rule?

He begged for forgiveness and apologised said he ended it after the abortion. For a few days I went along with it but I became ill with anxiety. I didn’t sleep for 4 days and couldn’t think straight.

In mid August he had just left my house after we spent a lovely evening together. The other woman messaged again and showed me new information where he instructed her to lie to me and told her I was nobody and he didn’t love me he loved her.

I snapped and got ready and walked round to his house, knocked his door and he answered. I said I couldn’t listen to his lies any longer it was too painful and I had to tell his wife because if I didn’t he would somehow manage to talk me round into forgiving him again and that would only led to more pain. He then got in his car and drove away and his wife came to the door and I told her the truth. That he’s lied to her for 30 years.

I haven’t heard from him since. I deleted my social media.

I’m absolutely distraught over it all, I feel like such a fool and the guilt is killing me. I have terrible nightmares and my anxiety is crippling. I can’t go on like this. I’m in therapy but it’s going to take time.

I feel ashamed that given I was cheated on I entered a relationship with a married man and even more ashamed I aborted two innocent babies to continue to see him and now it’s all been for nothing.

I think every word he ever said was a lie. It’s all so confusing. I just cry all day. Don’t go out and go over the messages time and time again trying to make peace with it all or find answers.

I would love to sit down with him and get some closure but I know that won’t happen.

He’s totally broken me and I have no idea where I go from here.

@stormtheprincess The reason I said that you seemed determined to absolve yourself of blame is because up thread you said you did not break any vows, he was the cheat .

And as I said, cheats can only cheat with someone. Like someone who wants a fight can only fight if someone joins in.

You are being unrealistic about how long healing takes.

In my experience of getting over stuff, it could take you a couple of years. Six weeks is a blink of an eye.

How old are you? You sound quite young.

I'm not perfect by any means but I would never sleep with a married man.

Isn't it amazing how often you hear this on MN, that the woman doesn't give a toss about the man's wife until she's dumped?

Indeed it is @ChicCroissant but it's a massive coincidence. I'll explain.

You see up until then, there's some sort of empathy prevention. It's an illness and the one suffering is the victim. Then once it all goes wrong the illness gets better and having recovered, the empathy returns to the sufferer and the desire to express that empathy with the wife becomes overpowering. Having once finally shared this empathy - which comes only from a place of pure altruism - the victim walks away, fully justified in having done a good turn.

I hope you understand now.

JHB

I’m not young.

I’m 42 years old.

You made appallingly bad decisions here OP, but you know that. A lot of your actions and decisions were incredibly selfish and poorly thought through. It also overwhelmingly comes across in your post that you knew this wasn't all real and your friends were all telling you to stop being so foolish but for some reason you kept wanting to believe it was true, even though you knew you were seeing a serial cheater and liar. I think you let yourself be used a bit here. You need to work on your self-esteem massively, and I'd stay away from men until you've done a bit of work on your self-respect.

Men lie, men cheat (actually so do women but not as often) if they have deceived and cheated in the past you can be sure they will do it again. So often women are the collateral damage, the wives at home bringing up the kids obvious and the new partners who believe that they have left their previous relationship or are living separate lives (I know people who do this, they are no more than roommates with their spouse)

Hi, it does seem you're being treated unfairly in this thread. You're hurting, and anyway you'd already admitted virtually everything some of the other posters have had a go at you for. x

Are you on any medication? Please give it a go. It might well help you. If you are currently prescribed something, you could go back and say you're still struggling. That way they can try something else or up the dose. Keep going back until they find something that's right for you.

Good on you for getting therapy- hope it hits the spot. I have EMDR therapy, I would recommend it for trauma that's effecting one's life, self esteem and relationships. Love and hugs xxxxx

@TooTrueToBeGood that’s rubbish. I stand up for what is right and the sex of the person involved has nothing to do with it. It’s got nothing to do with women turning against women.

Interested woman

I’m limited to what medications I’m able to take due to other stuff going on but I will chat to the GP again and see if there is anything suitable.

I have used anti depressants before when my (now adult) child was born and very ill.

I will google the type of therapy you mentioned and see what I can find out and will definitely mention to the therapist when I see her on Friday.

Thanks xx

@EmmiJay remorse isn’t something you owe; it’s something a decent person feels when they’ve done wrong.
It’s possible to feel your own hurt in a situation as well as acknowledging and owning your own part in something and regret what you’ve done, not just because of the impact on your own life but the impact that you had on others.

This is horrendous. You chose to see a married man. You chose to abort your babies. You chose to tell the wife only after you'd had your affair.

I can't sympathise. I don't wish you harm but I can't for the life of me understand why you'd have an abortion for a cheating, scumbag man. Totally fair call if you did it for you... but for him? Eugh.

What I’ve got from this thread:

Women are always innocent victims regardless of the appalling decisions they’ve made.

FGS medication is not the remedy for people who are hurt in a love affair. Get a grip. Medication is for people clinically depressed, not for people who are hurt, ashamed, angry and feeling strong, uncomfortable emotions. These need to be worked through not 'cured' with happy pills.

It's a long slow haul back to feeling better OP.

I think people here are getting ratty with you because in some of your posts you appear to be trying to shove the blame onto the man and make out your were used. You are a 42 yr old woman who made mistakes and- perhaps- conceived on purpose (?)

All of us make mistakes and you need to start accepting you are only human and in time all of this will get better. It is VERY early days.

No one can take this pain away for you. It will ease in time. Try to stop thinking of it every minute of the day. Throw yourself into work, maybe doing some voluntary work, anything to take your mind off him. Phone the Samaritans if you feel low and need to talk.

I really hope that mans wife has an incredible group of friends to support her right now. She's the only victim in all of this mess.

MN confuses me sometimes. On a thread recently hundreds of posters all said the same thing along the lines of "The OW owes me nothing it is my husband who broke the vows" people even getting offended because posters called them tarts whores etc. But now the OP is to feel guilty and is getting her karma. I mean I dont agree with what the OP has done and Admittedly wouldn't do it myself but if there is double standards on MN, this will be it.

Sorry about the replies you've had OP.

It's understandable people are annoyed as it's a really shitty thing you've done, but you know that so there's no need to rub salt in the wound.

I really can't understand how you let yourself believe him after you'd been through the very thing he was lying to you about.

Agree with PP, keep on with counselling and maybe try and have a bit of empathy for the wife and imagine how shit of a time she is currently having.

You are getting a lot of good advice on how to move forward with your life. I suggest you take it, leave this thread and stop wasting any more brain power raking over the past and obsessing about this terrible person who ruined your life.

Like others, I am struggling to see what you want from this thread and what good it can do you.

Use your therapy sessions to deal with these issues, not an online discussion with strangers.

JHB

You continue to make assumption after assumption and you are way off the make every single time.

@DBML totally agree with you.

JHB
It seems you are now a qualified psychologist as well or perhaps a GP with experience of prescribing antidepressants.

Regardless of what brought someone to feel depressed to the point it’s having a huge detrimental effect to their day to day life, medication can be used.

Situations affect people differently. What I have chosen to share is a snapshot of what happened. You don’t know the whole story.

Also I have been diagnosed with PTSD following the termination.

OP, you're very locked on and defensive to only the things JHB is saying. You're getting lots of other questions, Advice and comments from other people. What is it you're finding so triggering about this one particular woman's thoughts?

This sounds awful. Sometimes we do things completely out of character and horrible when we are infatuated with someone. This is a sign of a bad relationship. It sounds like you don’t like the person you became. I would start small and become a person whose actions you are happy with. It might just start with small acts of kindness and go from there.

Hi lovely ,

You poor woman , you have been to a terrible place . I feel you have been very vunerable , had attention from this guy who, had a bit of history of lies and cheating, and you fell in deep. Yes how nice to hear those sweet words, that's all they were .. just words. I'll bet many others have been used by him in this way. Heard those words and believe d they were so loved by him. Unfortunately the pattern goes on he is so convincing.. strings lovely words together to reach into every womans heart. He will continue this with others and never stop.
You have done nothing wrong, you were lied to, which shows how lovely you are, trusting and being emotionally confused by a trickster who knew exactly what he was doing! When you got pregnant, he blackmailed you, and I'm thinking , he wanted to run a mile. He has no conscience, and how dare he treat you so bad. And the poor wife, what a rotten life she has ,, her problems as big as yours !!!
I believe you did the right thing for yourself, under the circumstances, you had no choice . So the babies are gone, it wasn't to be, because you still have a life to look forward to, one that you just be you, fix out your mind , and love who you are, take time and move forward, slow steps... I bet there are many things you can begin to like about yourself, think about it....

@stormtheprincess You have no idea what my qualifications are. But I've enough life experience to know that counselling and CBT are the preferred ways of dealing with emotional upheaval.

You might get more helpful replies here if you stop being so arsey and only responding to the parts of posts you don't like.

Your attitude is appalling and it's no wonder people are very mixed, should we say, in their responses.