My life is in ruins - Affair with married man

[Stormtheprincess]

Hi

Two years ago my husband had an affair which resulted in the end of our marriage.

Fast forward 3 months and I became involved in a sexting relationship with a former colleague over Facebook.

This continued daily for for many months and I became emotionally attached to this man despite knowing he had a history of cheating on his wife several times over the years. He openly told me about his conquests. For whatever reason that wasn’t enough to put me off.

We met up and started seeing each other in person and I ended up pregnant with twins.

I told him about it and he said we couldn’t continue to be involved if I went ahead with the pregnancy. For weeks I went back and forth and kept changing my mind about what to do. My biggest fear was that he was lying to me and was involved with someone other than me and his wife as he had previously mentioned he had an affair that went on for years and years and said that woman had been in touch to meet up again but he declined. He came to my house, held my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me it was only me he wanted and there wasn’t anyone else and hadnt been the entire time we were I involved. He swore on the lives of his adult kids and grandson and in the end I had a termination but by this time I was 14 weeks gone.

On the day of the abortion he was at a family wedding and he did check on me that before morning but I was angry with him so he didn’t contact me again the rest of the day.

He said he hadn’t been on his phone the whole day.

Things got difficult for me after that, I was filled with regret and terrible guilt. I was open with him about my feelings. He seemed fairly supportive at that time.

I felt we had gotten closer due to it all and became more attached to him and felt like I loved him.

Something felt off, I can’t explain why but I asked him who the woman was that he had the affair with for years and he refused to tell me. That made alarm bells ring because I thought maybe he’s worried I find out something he doesn’t want me to know. After I pushed him he told me who she was and I knew of her but didn’t know her personally. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her if she was still in contact with him and stupidly I told him I was doing this.

She said she wasn’t but asked me a lot of questions which made me suspicious.

2 weeks went by and she messaged me and showed me pictures he has sent her on the day I had the abortion, so he had been on his phone and was busy sending her messages as I was bleeding out his twins. She also told me dates they had been together and send me copies of messages.

He came to my house and I said I can’t believe you lied to me and I believed you. Why that wasn’t hard for me to believe I’m not sure as he had been lying to his wife for 30 years so why would I be an exception to the rule?

He begged for forgiveness and apologised said he ended it after the abortion. For a few days I went along with it but I became ill with anxiety. I didn’t sleep for 4 days and couldn’t think straight.

In mid August he had just left my house after we spent a lovely evening together. The other woman messaged again and showed me new information where he instructed her to lie to me and told her I was nobody and he didn’t love me he loved her.

I snapped and got ready and walked round to his house, knocked his door and he answered. I said I couldn’t listen to his lies any longer it was too painful and I had to tell his wife because if I didn’t he would somehow manage to talk me round into forgiving him again and that would only led to more pain. He then got in his car and drove away and his wife came to the door and I told her the truth. That he’s lied to her for 30 years.

I haven’t heard from him since. I deleted my social media.

I’m absolutely distraught over it all, I feel like such a fool and the guilt is killing me. I have terrible nightmares and my anxiety is crippling. I can’t go on like this. I’m in therapy but it’s going to take time.

I feel ashamed that given I was cheated on I entered a relationship with a married man and even more ashamed I aborted two innocent babies to continue to see him and now it’s all been for nothing.

I think every word he ever said was a lie. It’s all so confusing. I just cry all day. Don’t go out and go over the messages time and time again trying to make peace with it all or find answers.

I would love to sit down with him and get some closure but I know that won’t happen.

He’s totally broken me and I have no idea where I go from here.

What is this she is a victim thing? The victim is the WIFE. You know a lot of us have been propositioned by a married man and managed to refuse?

Where have I said I’m a victim? I haven’t ever or eluded to that.

I said I am in pain and I have guilt.

I am referring to others defining you as a victim. So they are wrong and you do not see yourself as such?

COAPB

I feel that i should not have gotten involved with this man because he was married, a serial cheat and a liar. I did. I cannot change that.

If he had have told me the truth or if I had been smarter I would have made different decisions concerning the pregnancy. I didn’t and I cannot change that either.

At the time he was more important to me and I’ll always have terrible guilt and regret over that.

I feel that the babies were victims of both me and their father.

I am not discussing his wife as that’s not for me to say. Of course I have remorse for getting involved with him but throwing myself at her feet won’t help. I have apologised.

This all reads like such BS 🙄

DTC

Why bother commenting then?

What is hurting you the most right now? I think it’ll help you organise things in your head.
I am sorry you’re hurting over the loss and the pain of your termination. I think the rest is understandably painful and I have an element of sympathy but I hope you’ll accept your own part in this. It should help you move forward. You sound stuck and despite not agreeing with your actions around this married man, you are obviously suffering and I am sorry for that.

Hi OP

I've only read your posts, not all the others.

Is your therapist exploring forgiveness with you? I hear a lot of guilt in your posts and so much pain. There is lots that has caused pain, to many people, and you haven't been responsible for all of it by any means, but your responsibility is all you can deal with and you seem to be engaging with that. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Schuyler

I’m stuck yes that is how I feel.

The termination. The lies. The bad decisions. Wondering if any of it was ever real.

Replaying it all.

Overstating

We haven’t gotten to that yet it I’m sure it’s part of the plan.

“I was raped at 14 years old by an older man and sexually abused by a cousin as a child. I’m not sure if these issues contributed towards me having low self esteem but it’s something that will be explored”

I was reading and reading and thinking “whatever happened to her that she sabotaged herself so badly?”

You have been desperately making yourself needy, looking for love with a total bastard.

The expense of your therapist is worth it: the expense is part of investing in yourself so that you never again feel so needy that you believe the obvious lies of a man like that rather than risk life without him.

Being defensive with posters who are critical of what you have done is not productive: it is making them come back at you more. And maybe, maybe, they aren’t saying to you anything much different from what you feel about yourself, given the regret you express in your OP and subsequent posts.

Good luck OP.

You deserve everything you get. Crawl back into your hole.

I didn’t want to read and run.

I think from all of this you firstly have to forgive yourself. You fell in love with someone. You also need to learn from it all. Life is a journey and most of us learn the hard way about who to trust with our hearts. For any good to come out of this it should be this

Sorry OP, that sounds like it’s been a really tough life lesson

You say you feel anxiety and shame, and those are very hard emotions to live with.

Clearly, this man was not worth all this pain, don’t allow him to destroy you.

It’s good it has ended, try to find time to heal and be kind to yourself. A little step every day.

Work hard, do lots of things that make you feel good (exercise, seeing friends), improve your home, look after your health

Basically, be kind to yourself

Hello love xxx

Ive read tft. I'm so sorry this has happened, what a bloody mess eh.

I think .....yes he told you he'd cheated and I bet you thought, 'oh yeah a likely lad.' But with nothing else going on romantically, you continued to write to him and then suddenly he's a part of your life. Those little daily actions, allowing it to become normal....

The cognitive dissonance is horrible isn't it.

And how could it be 'nothing' when you literally gave it everything??

Yet it has turned out to have been nothing. The fact that he was glibly texting another OW while you were having a term. I mean, dreadful.

For you, it meant something but for him, not so much. And yes he is an experienced liar, and clearly doesn't feel bad about that.

I think sometimes people do things without looking as deeply as they should. It's so easy to send a text. You knew it was wrong but you did it anyway.

That's what you can learn from this. Something was wrong, but you carried on anyway.

To me that does link back to your childhood abuse. I'm sorry to hear about that xxx

Grieve for your babies and offer apologies for your part in the whole mess.

Resolve to never do anything like this again.

But also link it all up and see where you were vulnerable and resolve to heal those broken parts xxx

My love and hugs xxxxx

Just ignore the posters who just want to take a pop at you. They will never understand or even try to understand ho matter what you say.
They have no empathy or understanding about the effects that abuse and traumatic events can have on the brain.

You have been scammed by a master scammer.

That's nothing to be ashamed about of, it sounds like you've learnt a valuable lesson. Forgive yourself.

As sad as you feel, it is a good thing that you don't have babies born into this awful situation.

You are free of him...and it is your duty to to better next time. Let yourself heal, life's toning to get s lot better for you.

I have to say I do feel sorry for you, mostly for the horror of going through the abortion.
However, my head cannot get around the fact that you know the total pain of finding your husband had an affair and yet you did that to another woman. I think most people, thankfully, do not truly understand the hurt of finding out their husband or wife has been unfaithful. I can only imagine I’d be destroyed.
But you do know that pain and, although I don’t like saying it, I don’t actually understand how you didn’t stop to just think about his wife as it had been so recent for you and you must of thought about her at some point.
BUT I’m not medically trained and I’m sure there is so much more to this than we all see as just the black and white so I do hope you will find some peace in time.

Op if I had done what you have done and behaved the way you have behaved I would far too embarassed to tell all on a public forum.
Perhaps it is cathartic for you? I am not criticising you we have all made mistakes and done things we are not proud of, usually when we were young, not in our 40's.
I don't understand how, after the betrayal of your EXH, you did not have the empathy to consider his wife?
You really are the architect of your current state, did you not think of your future and how this "affair" would pan out.
Were you flattered by his attention or what?
What stopped you being sensible and behaving so recklessly to the extent of pregnancy and the consequences.
Please promise yourself that you will never behave in such a rash fashion again.
I wish you luck, and that you find some peaceful realisation that your behaviour needs to change.

Unfortunately you won't get closure from him because he is incapable of the truth.

Unfortunately some people will spout any old shit to get what they want..

Take one thing away from this....
When making decisions, especially life altering ones listen to the head, because the heart is a misinformed fool.

Good luck.

Poor wife. Her husband cheats on her multiple times. One of the mistresses thinks it’s ok to just blurt out the news to her at her front door. What a horrible way to find out. Hopefully she can access some counselling to help her get over the betrayal and having to find out from the OW in such a callous manner.

Then you start to trust them because you think what you have with them is different.

And there is the crux of it, the permission that women give themselves for signing on for position of OW the magic vagina defence ‘I’m special and it’s different with me.

Telling his wife was pure self interest. Not content with colluding in crapping all over her, you felt the need to rub her face in it and are disingenuous about it.

Oh quick piece of advice in case you haven’t already yet. Get checked for stds. There really is no telling where this prince of a man has been!

Surely his wife had a jolly good idea of what he'd been up to for 30 odd years? I cannot believe she was naive. There are wives who turn a blind eye and keep the marriage going for the sake of appearances, the kids, their financial stability. I've known several marriages like this.

But the notion of rocking up to tell her - so she could put a ball and chain round him to stop him doing it again- because the OP felt too weak to tell him 'No', when he twisted her arm to carry on, doesn't stack up.

It's a pretty feeble excuse for telling his wife and need for revenge.