My life is in ruins - Affair with married man

[Stormtheprincess]

Hi

Two years ago my husband had an affair which resulted in the end of our marriage.

Fast forward 3 months and I became involved in a sexting relationship with a former colleague over Facebook.

This continued daily for for many months and I became emotionally attached to this man despite knowing he had a history of cheating on his wife several times over the years. He openly told me about his conquests. For whatever reason that wasn’t enough to put me off.

We met up and started seeing each other in person and I ended up pregnant with twins.

I told him about it and he said we couldn’t continue to be involved if I went ahead with the pregnancy. For weeks I went back and forth and kept changing my mind about what to do. My biggest fear was that he was lying to me and was involved with someone other than me and his wife as he had previously mentioned he had an affair that went on for years and years and said that woman had been in touch to meet up again but he declined. He came to my house, held my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me it was only me he wanted and there wasn’t anyone else and hadnt been the entire time we were I involved. He swore on the lives of his adult kids and grandson and in the end I had a termination but by this time I was 14 weeks gone.

On the day of the abortion he was at a family wedding and he did check on me that before morning but I was angry with him so he didn’t contact me again the rest of the day.

He said he hadn’t been on his phone the whole day.

Things got difficult for me after that, I was filled with regret and terrible guilt. I was open with him about my feelings. He seemed fairly supportive at that time.

I felt we had gotten closer due to it all and became more attached to him and felt like I loved him.

Something felt off, I can’t explain why but I asked him who the woman was that he had the affair with for years and he refused to tell me. That made alarm bells ring because I thought maybe he’s worried I find out something he doesn’t want me to know. After I pushed him he told me who she was and I knew of her but didn’t know her personally. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her if she was still in contact with him and stupidly I told him I was doing this.

She said she wasn’t but asked me a lot of questions which made me suspicious.

2 weeks went by and she messaged me and showed me pictures he has sent her on the day I had the abortion, so he had been on his phone and was busy sending her messages as I was bleeding out his twins. She also told me dates they had been together and send me copies of messages.

He came to my house and I said I can’t believe you lied to me and I believed you. Why that wasn’t hard for me to believe I’m not sure as he had been lying to his wife for 30 years so why would I be an exception to the rule?

He begged for forgiveness and apologised said he ended it after the abortion. For a few days I went along with it but I became ill with anxiety. I didn’t sleep for 4 days and couldn’t think straight.

In mid August he had just left my house after we spent a lovely evening together. The other woman messaged again and showed me new information where he instructed her to lie to me and told her I was nobody and he didn’t love me he loved her.

I snapped and got ready and walked round to his house, knocked his door and he answered. I said I couldn’t listen to his lies any longer it was too painful and I had to tell his wife because if I didn’t he would somehow manage to talk me round into forgiving him again and that would only led to more pain. He then got in his car and drove away and his wife came to the door and I told her the truth. That he’s lied to her for 30 years.

I haven’t heard from him since. I deleted my social media.

I’m absolutely distraught over it all, I feel like such a fool and the guilt is killing me. I have terrible nightmares and my anxiety is crippling. I can’t go on like this. I’m in therapy but it’s going to take time.

I feel ashamed that given I was cheated on I entered a relationship with a married man and even more ashamed I aborted two innocent babies to continue to see him and now it’s all been for nothing.

I think every word he ever said was a lie. It’s all so confusing. I just cry all day. Don’t go out and go over the messages time and time again trying to make peace with it all or find answers.

I would love to sit down with him and get some closure but I know that won’t happen.

He’s totally broken me and I have no idea where I go from here.

I just wish I could fast forward to the part where I’m healed
Sorry OP but there is a whole process to go through.
It WILL take time.
Do NOT expect miracles.
You will never be suddenly 'over' this.
You will need to work through a lot.
About yourself.
About your choices.
But know that you will probably never be fully 'healed'
I know 10+ years on that I'm not.
I will always carry with me what happened.
I will never trust men again.
I will no doubt remain happily single for the rest of my life.
All due to what 'men' put me through.
Do what you can, at your own pace!

DerbyshireGirly

Not atall and I have no idea why you assume that from my post. My post is about me so I’m going to talk about my own feelings and thoughts in it.

His wife took him back 10 years ago when she found out he had an affair although I didn’t know that until later.

I deserved to honesty when there were the lives of two babies being discussed. If you feel that makes me entitled then so be it.

I'm confused why it was fine for him to have a wife but not another woman?

Because he told me he wasn’t sleeping with his wife in addition to this he asked me not to sleep with anyone else the time we were involved.

Hello, OP. Please don't expect to be over this so soon. It will take time. There will be dark days and dark moments for a long time, but the good news is that you made the right choice. You did not bring children into this unhealthy relationship, and you are not saddled with this unhealthy relationship, either. Please try not to obsess over this man or his motives. It is easy for an outsider to see why he did what he did. Selfish people who want things sometimes do what they want to get them, including lie. In the future, you can want something better for yourself. But right now, just take care of yourself. You did the right thing.

I’m astounded anyone could make so many bad decisions. You need to have a long hard think about what led you down this path!!

STP, I had an experience which was similar late last year/early this year.
It was someone who I trusted, who I had had a relationship with for 8 years and who told me he was a lonely man in a sexless marriage for 13 years. It turned out he had been seeing another woman for 3 years and treating her far better than me. Now I've discovered even more lies - he was even offering BDSM lessons through a dodgy dating site. He even brought the OW to our goodbye meeting and they gloated about their wonderful relationship. They threatened to ruin my life if I told anyone, so I can't tell his wife, he continues to shag this other woman half a mile from his family home.
It has devastated m life this year, so i quite understand how you feel. Counselling felt to me like picking the scab, after a few weeks. Maybe I should have carried on, I still feel far from right.
The hardest bit is how do you come to accept that your loved one was so foul and unpleasant and such a lying shit when you still feel love for them.

I do think time is the only healer, but it takes what seems forever. I suspect it will be around 2 years as coming up to the anniversary I'm still very raw.

One thing that helped me was to insist "it is all your fault" to him. He wasn't the greatest catch in objective terms and I'm sure this man was the same. I just don't know what to say about your termination, it seems to have been put through that anguish by him is just about as bad as it can get, but my thoughts are with you.

I's suggest to keep up with the counselling, it saved me from doing something silly ( not self harm but causing a riot at his hour!) Take care of yourself.

SherbetSaucer

Hence the therapy

Because he told me he wasn’t sleeping with his wife
Oh dear - and you believed that?
That is literally what ALL cheaters say.

I really wish you had posted on here when he started spouting all his bullshit.
We could have set you straight and saved you a lot of heartache.
Just understand this - IT WAS ALL LIES. EVERY WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH. ALL LIES LIES LIES

Higgyhog
Sorry that happened to you what an absolute scumbag.

His wife will find out eventually.

HBM

Yes I’m sure my ex husband said the same to his affair partner.

I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again or myself with decisions.

And I agree lies lies lies.

You have made some poor choices, but it needn't ruin your life. I would say though to try and get some counselling and advice. Spend the next couple of years just looking after yourself, grieving if you need to, and then building yourself up again, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I think you have been very naive and initially quite selfish. Your husband had an affair and left you - do you not think he told his lover that you were no longer sleeping together? You fucked up and you were knowingly the 'other women' despite having been on the receiving end of the same treatment.

However you are clearly in pain. You are human and you are broken and struggling and I have nothing but sympathy for that.

As others have said, there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. He is a serial cheat and a liar. He told another lover that you meant nothing to him. He WAS sleeping with his wife. He gave you an ultimatum of aborting your babies or losing him. HE IS A CUNT.

You have nothing on your side right now but time, and you must accept that it will take time to heal and not expect to feel ok straight away. But you will heal and you will have learned a lot from this.

Be kind to yourself. Accept that it's ok not to feel ok. And keep reminding yourself that every day you are a day closer to the end of the pain.

Mine said to me that he hadn't had sex with his wife for around 4 years, he told the other woman it had been 23 years!!!! they always lie, but i didn't understand that at the time.

You sound incredibly broken and right now you're in the eye of the storm. I know it sounds like tripe but just trust the process. You will heal. You will never be the same person again but you will at some point see the sun over the grey clouds. Keep the counselling lessons and I certainly recommend a trip to GP to get some antidepressants - just to get you through the worst of it at this time.

I think you will have to concede that you will never have answers, even if you did it would probably leave you with more questions. Do you have any RL support?

Slightly Jaded

I agree. My ex husband gaslit me for a year before I discovered the truth. I suspect I never dealt with the pain and issues around that before becoming involved with this man.

And this is why I wouldn't have an abortion for anyone but myself.

VP

I do but my friends are long suffering as they tried to warn me many times about his behaviour.

IckleBear

I’m ashamed to say I was so in love with him that the idea of never seeing him again was something that I couldn’t handle and I would have done and in fact did do anything for him.

You poor, poor thing. You're not the first and won't be the last to be duped by a serial adulterer. He's been married thirty years so he must be quite a bit older than you and has had lots of practice.

He sounds dreadful, quite frankly.

I know you feel ashamed which means you're taking responsibility but quite honestly you were vulnerable because of what happened in your own marriage and that man homed in on that. Please do forgive yourself.

It's terribly hurtful for you right now but I promise the pain will go, probably suddenly, and you'll feel so much lighter - and wiser. At the moment you have to work your way through it. As above poster said, a diary would help.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, the comments have been kind to you, I can understand that love is blind, and you never know what any partner is thinking, or indeed may do to you; Its the termination, I cannot get my head round. You must have wanted children, and although you made bad choices of partner, which i'm sure anyone on here can understand, I can only assume you had your doubts about the rel;ationship even then, and didn't want to be involved for 18 years + if you went through with the pregnancy. Only thing to do now, is involve yourself in a project, put it all behind you and look for someone who cares, but most of all think of others, not what you want. caring people usually "but not always" meet other caring people. Best Wishes for the future

OP what's done is done. We've all done things we're not proud of.

If you could have done better you would have done better. I've been so head over heels in love too.

Be kind to yourself right now. You will get through this. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

It's the loss of your twins that is probably eating away at you.
You need to find a way of forgiving yourself.
Don't feel guilty about the rest ... Fuck him, his mistress and his wife ... not your problem.
Learn from this which you probably already have done.
Don't waste anymore tears or emotions or energy on this other than grieving your twins.

You are going through therapy and I think you should continue with that. You are still very focused on this man despite the fact that he is not worthy of even having a conversation with. Hopefully after extensive therapy your mindset will change. There must be something going on (more than the DH affair) that has lead you into this situation. it will take a while to figure it out. Unfortunately, you don't seem too concerned about his wife, the mother of his children, or indeed his other affair partner. You also seem to blame him 100% for the abortion even though ultimately, you made the decision to do it. Sorry.

To read your story was like watching someone self-harming. I don’t think it was even about him. You seem to be punishing yourself for something. That was in you long before he came into the scene.

I think LondonCrone has hit the nail on thread.

You were hurt, vulnerable - possibly blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault, and in your heart of hearts felt the need to punish yourself. You ex-s behaviour may have convinced you (at a subconscious level) that you didn't deserve any better - that you deserved to be used and lied to. And you acted accordingly to try to clean your soul.

You have done something wrong - and you are suffering for it. But please, try to forgive yourself. He is a vile and selfish man who took advantage of your vulnerability (he will have known even if you hadn't told him - men like him can sense vulnerability in the same way a shark can smell a minuscule amount of blood in the water).

He is a serial adulterer. He will have quickly sussed out which of his many personae would work with you and employed it to the hilt. Of course, you are not blameless in this, but you have paid a dreadful price already. There is no need to torment yourself any further. You have made a confession (to us); there is nothing you can do to make amends to any of the people involved other than yourself.. Put the whole experience behind you as best you can, take a lesson from it and go forward with your life.

You deserve so much more than you have had from the men in your life so far. Give yourself time to recover properly before entering into any other relationship - and learn to love yourself as you deserve t be loved, and to care for yourself as you deserve to be cared for. The past is the past. Don't let it mar your future.