My life is in ruins - Affair with married man

[Stormtheprincess]

Hi

Two years ago my husband had an affair which resulted in the end of our marriage.

Fast forward 3 months and I became involved in a sexting relationship with a former colleague over Facebook.

This continued daily for for many months and I became emotionally attached to this man despite knowing he had a history of cheating on his wife several times over the years. He openly told me about his conquests. For whatever reason that wasn’t enough to put me off.

We met up and started seeing each other in person and I ended up pregnant with twins.

I told him about it and he said we couldn’t continue to be involved if I went ahead with the pregnancy. For weeks I went back and forth and kept changing my mind about what to do. My biggest fear was that he was lying to me and was involved with someone other than me and his wife as he had previously mentioned he had an affair that went on for years and years and said that woman had been in touch to meet up again but he declined. He came to my house, held my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me it was only me he wanted and there wasn’t anyone else and hadnt been the entire time we were I involved. He swore on the lives of his adult kids and grandson and in the end I had a termination but by this time I was 14 weeks gone.

On the day of the abortion he was at a family wedding and he did check on me that before morning but I was angry with him so he didn’t contact me again the rest of the day.

He said he hadn’t been on his phone the whole day.

Things got difficult for me after that, I was filled with regret and terrible guilt. I was open with him about my feelings. He seemed fairly supportive at that time.

I felt we had gotten closer due to it all and became more attached to him and felt like I loved him.

Something felt off, I can’t explain why but I asked him who the woman was that he had the affair with for years and he refused to tell me. That made alarm bells ring because I thought maybe he’s worried I find out something he doesn’t want me to know. After I pushed him he told me who she was and I knew of her but didn’t know her personally. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her if she was still in contact with him and stupidly I told him I was doing this.

She said she wasn’t but asked me a lot of questions which made me suspicious.

2 weeks went by and she messaged me and showed me pictures he has sent her on the day I had the abortion, so he had been on his phone and was busy sending her messages as I was bleeding out his twins. She also told me dates they had been together and send me copies of messages.

He came to my house and I said I can’t believe you lied to me and I believed you. Why that wasn’t hard for me to believe I’m not sure as he had been lying to his wife for 30 years so why would I be an exception to the rule?

He begged for forgiveness and apologised said he ended it after the abortion. For a few days I went along with it but I became ill with anxiety. I didn’t sleep for 4 days and couldn’t think straight.

In mid August he had just left my house after we spent a lovely evening together. The other woman messaged again and showed me new information where he instructed her to lie to me and told her I was nobody and he didn’t love me he loved her.

I snapped and got ready and walked round to his house, knocked his door and he answered. I said I couldn’t listen to his lies any longer it was too painful and I had to tell his wife because if I didn’t he would somehow manage to talk me round into forgiving him again and that would only led to more pain. He then got in his car and drove away and his wife came to the door and I told her the truth. That he’s lied to her for 30 years.

I haven’t heard from him since. I deleted my social media.

I’m absolutely distraught over it all, I feel like such a fool and the guilt is killing me. I have terrible nightmares and my anxiety is crippling. I can’t go on like this. I’m in therapy but it’s going to take time.

I feel ashamed that given I was cheated on I entered a relationship with a married man and even more ashamed I aborted two innocent babies to continue to see him and now it’s all been for nothing.

I think every word he ever said was a lie. It’s all so confusing. I just cry all day. Don’t go out and go over the messages time and time again trying to make peace with it all or find answers.

I would love to sit down with him and get some closure but I know that won’t happen.

He’s totally broken me and I have no idea where I go from here.

@Stormtheprincess I do have some training in psychology if you must know but depression is diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

It's a bit rich you coming along and saying we only know part of what you are going through after people have invested their time in your thread and only now do you mention PTSD. Presumably your GP is offering you support for that if they have diagnosed it.

@InsertFunnyUsername I think sometimes it’s the way the poster writes or frames their story. Some posters are easier to jump on - some posters garner support. Or maybe people feel nicer on weekends and are more forgiving!?

Wow, you've attracted a lot of comment! Not all very charitable! But that's to be expected - you have been very open, and I think it's very good you've laid it all out.

Ok, people hurt by your choices:
The guy's wife and children and family
The other mistress
Your two children
Probably your adult child

But he's been the driving force. You've been along for the ride (...). I think you're much more accessory than actual perp, and your behaviour grew itself out of others having betrayed and hurt you. So in terms of your 'guilt' and the evidence of your 'remorse' - it's all just been a mess, and you have been taken advantage of, I think.

In my opinion, he's the one who hurt everybody, including you.

Does GFYS mean what I think it does?

It looks to me OP as if I've hit a nerve.

Why else would you react to something so benign as suggested drugs may not be the answer ?

You are being abusive and that it totally unnecessary.

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook
If you think it means Go Fuck Yourself, then Yupp.

Emily Young

Thank you I appreciate all you said and yes they are gone and that is what I am struggling wifh most.

I went back and forth over the decision so many times. I stupidly believed he was being truthful when his history should have told me otherwise.

I choose him over the pregnancy and that is what I can’t handle.

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

I think it mean go f—- yourself

Oh nice.

Pass me my violin.

You are a right one OP.

People offer comments and you tell them to fuck themselves.

Lovely.

Bye bye.

JHB

No you called me arsey that was why I responded in that way!

PTSD was diagnosed at post abortion counselling. The abortion I went through was at 14 weeks. I saw the babies and at that stage they look like tiny babies.

JHB you were the one who used a swear word towards me first.

Why has this all hit a nerve with you?

You chose to do to his wife exactly what was done to you

THC

Yes and I’ve said that

If I had £1 for every woman I know who had been cheated on who then went on to be an OW I’d be rich by now.

I don’t know why this happens but IME it seems to happen with remarkable regularity.

OP, I’m not going to offer sympathy or ridicule. What’s done is done, and you need to move forward, but please ask yourself this: When your DH was shagging his OW, do you genuinely believe that he and only he was responsible? Because in this situation you were that OW, iyswim,and the man could have been your DH. Do you really believe that your DH owed his OW something? And if not, why do you think that you were owed anything by this married man?

The parallels are striking here. You presumably blamed the OW as much as you blamed your DH for the affair he had. And in that case you will have believed that you were the injured party as the wife, so why, when you became an OW, do you still believe that you were owed something by the man you slept with?

I think it sounds a lot like you have forgiven yourself already.

JHB- GP's can diagnose depression too, of course.

@Stormtheprincess - Most therapists don't do EMDR, it's more of a separate training people do on top. I think if your therapist did she would've mentioned it. I was very skeptical, but the results I've had have been really good. It's something you could give a go.

Jingling- meds is just another thing they OP could try. Personally, I try to improve my mental health in every possible way- everything is worth trying to see if it works. I'm not saying OP should give up therapy, just that this is another evidence-based treatment proven to work in a large number of cases.

I didn’t blame the other woman, I blamed my husband. He choose to break vows he made to me. All she did was fall in love with him.

I certainly wasn’t her biggest fan but he was responsible for the end of our marriage not the other woman.

I think you need to work on not being so defensive to the less than sympathetic comments.
Think of it this way. How would a thread posted by the woman your ex cheated on you with seeking sympathy have made you feel?
Women are just seeing it from the wives point of view. Of course you've come at this from your own point of view, but maybe you can take the negative reactions as something and be introspective about the situation and the fact that maybe you have overlooked the gravity of pain your actions would have caused to the wife.
I'm glad you intend to grow and work on your self esteem, please make sure there are never any innocent bystander casualties due to these issues again.

Integrity is such a rare virtue in this day and age. Liars can be fun, charming, good in bed etc etc. However believe what they say at your peril. I have sympathy and compassion for anyone who suffers (no matter what they have done), but the road back from this is to make a commitment to integrity and the truth.

In the end you believed what you wanted to believe in order to have what you thought you wanted in the moment. You had the information up front that he was a liar and a philanderer, and in fact you didn’t really trust him anyway as if you did why did you commit to unearthing who his ex was and reaching out for confirmation? You were deluded, and delusions are tough to recover from.

A lot of your language relates to you defering responsibility. In fact even saying you told the wife as a nuclear option so he wouldn’t reach out and talk you round. He doesn’t have a magic power to control your mind and make you do what he wants. You have a complex matrix of desires and vulnerabilities that make you fool yourself.

Harsh truth is he didn’t love you, but I very much doubt he loves his wife the other woman or any other woman who walks into his web. It’s all about sex, power, control and his own ego to him. I also and I expect pushback on this believe you didn’t love him really either. You projected the person you wanted him to be onto him and thought you loved that. After all how can you really love a person you don’t even really know or a blind to? True love comes from intimacy, self knowledge, mutual respect an reciprocity. This sounds like sex, obsession and vulnerability mixing up into tragic consequences.

Interested woman

It does sound like it could be helpful. I’m open to anything that will help me heal.

I will definitely mention to her.

Dervel

I completely agree with what you have said.

If you truly love someone you cannot cheat on them therefore no he doesn’t love his wife or the other women or me.

I can tell you that it felt like I really loved him but could have been intense infatuation. Maybe I’ll never know for sure. I put him on a pedestal and everything he did was amazing in my eyes.

Yes there was definitely an element of control. He wanted me not to sleep with anyone else and made that a rule.

I just want to get better and never make the same mistakes again.

The PP who said your story sounds like a catalogue of self-harm was spot on, and I think you're continuing the pattern with this thread.

Please just focus on your own recovery.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort

This thread is about my pain. I’m not going to come on and write about the pain of others because I don’t know what they are going through but right now I am not able to take on anyone else’s hurt. Call me selfish or anything else you like but I have too much hurt to process at the moment.

At 42 years old you were definitely old enough to know better

I'm not sure what you are looking for on your post? People to tell you it's ok and chin up and it will get better? To ease your guilt in some way?