My life is in ruins - Affair with married man

[Stormtheprincess]

Hi

Two years ago my husband had an affair which resulted in the end of our marriage.

Fast forward 3 months and I became involved in a sexting relationship with a former colleague over Facebook.

This continued daily for for many months and I became emotionally attached to this man despite knowing he had a history of cheating on his wife several times over the years. He openly told me about his conquests. For whatever reason that wasn’t enough to put me off.

We met up and started seeing each other in person and I ended up pregnant with twins.

I told him about it and he said we couldn’t continue to be involved if I went ahead with the pregnancy. For weeks I went back and forth and kept changing my mind about what to do. My biggest fear was that he was lying to me and was involved with someone other than me and his wife as he had previously mentioned he had an affair that went on for years and years and said that woman had been in touch to meet up again but he declined. He came to my house, held my hand and looked into my eyes and promised me it was only me he wanted and there wasn’t anyone else and hadnt been the entire time we were I involved. He swore on the lives of his adult kids and grandson and in the end I had a termination but by this time I was 14 weeks gone.

On the day of the abortion he was at a family wedding and he did check on me that before morning but I was angry with him so he didn’t contact me again the rest of the day.

He said he hadn’t been on his phone the whole day.

Things got difficult for me after that, I was filled with regret and terrible guilt. I was open with him about my feelings. He seemed fairly supportive at that time.

I felt we had gotten closer due to it all and became more attached to him and felt like I loved him.

Something felt off, I can’t explain why but I asked him who the woman was that he had the affair with for years and he refused to tell me. That made alarm bells ring because I thought maybe he’s worried I find out something he doesn’t want me to know. After I pushed him he told me who she was and I knew of her but didn’t know her personally. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her if she was still in contact with him and stupidly I told him I was doing this.

She said she wasn’t but asked me a lot of questions which made me suspicious.

2 weeks went by and she messaged me and showed me pictures he has sent her on the day I had the abortion, so he had been on his phone and was busy sending her messages as I was bleeding out his twins. She also told me dates they had been together and send me copies of messages.

He came to my house and I said I can’t believe you lied to me and I believed you. Why that wasn’t hard for me to believe I’m not sure as he had been lying to his wife for 30 years so why would I be an exception to the rule?

He begged for forgiveness and apologised said he ended it after the abortion. For a few days I went along with it but I became ill with anxiety. I didn’t sleep for 4 days and couldn’t think straight.

In mid August he had just left my house after we spent a lovely evening together. The other woman messaged again and showed me new information where he instructed her to lie to me and told her I was nobody and he didn’t love me he loved her.

I snapped and got ready and walked round to his house, knocked his door and he answered. I said I couldn’t listen to his lies any longer it was too painful and I had to tell his wife because if I didn’t he would somehow manage to talk me round into forgiving him again and that would only led to more pain. He then got in his car and drove away and his wife came to the door and I told her the truth. That he’s lied to her for 30 years.

I haven’t heard from him since. I deleted my social media.

I’m absolutely distraught over it all, I feel like such a fool and the guilt is killing me. I have terrible nightmares and my anxiety is crippling. I can’t go on like this. I’m in therapy but it’s going to take time.

I feel ashamed that given I was cheated on I entered a relationship with a married man and even more ashamed I aborted two innocent babies to continue to see him and now it’s all been for nothing.

I think every word he ever said was a lie. It’s all so confusing. I just cry all day. Don’t go out and go over the messages time and time again trying to make peace with it all or find answers.

I would love to sit down with him and get some closure but I know that won’t happen.

He’s totally broken me and I have no idea where I go from here.

SC

I meant it. I had been close to it for weeks. He just wore me down.

Being lied to all the time was too painful.

Wow. The comments on here. Jesus.

OP, I suggest you abandon this post because its only going to get nastier. You've been through alot and most likely don't have the headspace to deal with this. Hope therapy helps you and I hope you eventually find happiness with yourself.

Also, you crossed a line when you started the sexting. At that point your brain should have told you 'Whooooa! I need to stop this, he's married.'

But you chose not to.

You are not a victim, you are a grown woman who made choices from the first flirty text to the time you conceived. You could have stopped it at any time.

Please start accepting your part in it.

Alexkate

You’ve quoted me in something I never ever said.

He is a vile and selfish man who took advantage of your vulnerability (he will have known even if you hadn't told him - men like him can sense vulnerability in the same way a shark can smell a minuscule amount of blood in the water).

100%, absolutely, this. If you've been a victim of any form of abuse, you attract it like moths to a flame. Even if you have a confident, don't-mess-with-me exterior, it can't protect you from this. It's as if you're putting out radio signals only they can receive.

I was a victim of abuse at the hands of my father and later abusive partners, a gang rape and stalking. Such an extensive inventory of misfortunes that it looks like carelessness, and only lately have I discovered that I'm not unique, and it's not about me. The above paragraph shows why. I was desperate for male approval because I'd never had any, which made me prone to falling heavily for particular men I unconsciously believed would fulfil that need in me (pure transference I suspect) and becoming badly hurt in the process. I'm afraid to say that even now, at a much more advanced stage of my life, I'm still not sure I can tell the difference between real love and the overwhelming feelings of attachment to the people I believe can fulfil that unacknowledged need, and which are fully the result of that past.

For these reasons the overpowering feelings you stated you had for this man - to the extent that you were willing to undergo a termination at his behest rather than lose him - struck a chord with me. Is it possible that similar forces from your past are conspiring to involve you in such destructive adult relationships? I had cPTSD, and 18 months of EMDR therapy finally enabled me to unpick these patterns in my own life. If this is so then it isn't your fault, but as you're also finding out, you still can't be free of the consequences of what you do.

You must be suffering horribly, and I'm sorry. There's no harsher or more relentless judge than our own conscience. Annoying, too, that Mr Wonderful is highly unlikely to be having such a hard time as a result of his.

I hope you find the help you need, and that eventually you're able to achieve some peace.

JHB

What eludes you to believe I haven’t.

Because I feel sad and depressed and guilty over the abortion?

That doesn’t mean I’m not aware it was wrong to get involved wirh him.

Please don’t just make assumptions.

I have never ever said I don’t regret getting involved with him.

You have been very open and honest here. The decisions you have made have been truly terrible. This guy told you he was a serial adulterer, told you about his conquests. That should have had you running for the hills, not starting an affair and adding to his list.

We make bad decisions when we are in love. Overlook and deny things to ourselves, keep continuing when we should stop. You sound very young, you were clearly vulnerable and this guy is clearly a predator who is good at what he does, charming, convincing, ready to lie at the drop of a hat. This is a massive lesson for you. Thanks to you, his wife now knows and so does the other woman he’s been stringing along. Hopefully he too has been taught a lesson, although he will no doubt continue in his behaviour.

You will feel bad. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that, because in a way you should. I don’t mean you deserve to, I’m not being judgemental, but this went badly wrong. What you need to hang onto though is that it will pass. You have got rid, you can move on. You will fall in love again, and this time you will hopefully make sure it’s a good guy. Single. We all make crap decisions. Unfortunately you made them in relation to a really nasty, deceitful, using, callous, exploitative, egocentric, hateful ar**le. The last bit IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for his behaviour, just yours.

Take each day as it comes. If therapy helps, fine. Get through the day, task by task, try to meet friends, do stuff you like doing.

Don’t “try to find answers’ or go through stuff with him. DONT. There is NO point, and in a few months you will see that. The truth is he lied because he wanted to sleep with you. He lied to you about his wife and the other woman, he lied to them. The only truth that matters is he lied, and he was not in love with you, he did not care for you in ANY meaningful way. What do you want to ask him? “Did you ever love me?”. Supposing he says “yes”. ? Where does that get you?
Your value is what YOU are, not what he says he feels for you. Actions, not words. He pressured you to abort his babies. He was communicating with another woman while you did so. All you need to do now is cut him out of your life - as you have, well done - and stick with that. Good luck.

Perhaps Ramit has been hurt and broken by someone like you in the past OP? Perhaps her marriage broke down and left utter devastation in its wake?

As I said previously, I have empathy for your pain but do not judge someone as 'bitter and twisted' when the chances are that their anger comes from a place of pain. Possibly caused by the kinds of actions that you yourself have been part of.

MVAS

I’m so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing it. Yes there are things in my past that I will be exploring in therapy.

I was raped at 14 years old by an older man and sexually abused by a cousin as a child. I’m not sure if these issues contributed towards me having low self esteem but it’s something that will be explored.

@EmmiJay the OP has played a part in destroy g another woman’s life. She is as bad as the husband and made conscious decisions in her relationship with him. She is taking no responsibility and has literally no thought for anyone else who’s been hurt in this. All she’s talked about is her own hurt.
What she did is NOT okay...not even a little bit and it’s not nasty to point that out.
I believe the OP needs help, I believe the OP has been hurt and I do think that hopefully she’ll learn from this.
Had she come on here and shown some sort of remorse and concern for others I could perhaps show more sympathy. Everyone screws up but it’s how you deal with the aftermath that really shows what type of person you are.

@boltyarocket You think? You should report

SJ

Your opinion and you are entitled to that but Ramit’s comments to me were far unkinder and more passive aggressive than what I responded with.

@Stormtheprincess, that wasn’t a quote... it’s the use of inverted commas to show what you’re implying in your post...

I didn’t imply anything.

I stated what happened.

I don’t agree that you were duped by him. You knew what you were getting into from the off - someone who was married and admitted to being a serial cheat and also cheating on his wife with you. It doesn’t really take a large IQ to judge his character based on what you knew at the start. His moral compass was set at zero, but to his credit he admitted to you upfront what a shit he was, so it was your call really whether you stayed with him. You stuck to the script right to the end - visiting the wife to ‘save her’ from a cheating DH, but the reality being you told her in the hope that she would throw him out and he would then have come to your welcoming arms and you would both live happily ever after. You made a mistake, but just be grateful he has only stolen a couple of years of your life, as many in your situation are robbed of many years. Be kind to yourself, learn from your mistake, continue with your counselling to learn why you settled for being treated this way and lastly vow never to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else, as it mostly always ends badly. Value yourself more, and show compassion for others outside of your bubble - his wife, DCs and gdcs are probably a lot more devastated than you are.

And the op has always been abused. And has low self esteem.

AlexKate - She owes nobody on here any remorse. She didn't come for sympathy (her words) but I'm pretty sure she didn't ask for some of the replies shes recieved. Either way, she seems pretty clued up that shes done something terrible. I'm not a kick them while they're down person so I gave my advice (abandon ship), and wished her well.

LLBH

No

I knew he would never want to talk to me again once I done that I was under no illusions and knew that no matter how hard it was to walk away from him that it had to end.

What you've written is horrific and has several victims. You are not one of them. You need to own your shit.

Do you think you so knowingly engaged with a married man in a subconscious attempt to understand how your ex cheated on you? An attempt to view things from the other side?
It just seems very strange to me that you still see yourself as a victim when you entered into a relationship with a man who basically proclaimed "I'm married and I love cheating on my wife!!"

Plenty of people have been abused or have low self esteem yet still have the decency not to fuck other people's husbands.

Perhaps Ramit has been hurt and broken by someone like you in the past OP? Perhaps her marriage broke down and left utter devastation in its wake?

That may well be true. However, the world is littered with women that have been through what the OP has been through. Curiously, there doesn't appear to be any comparable bodycount of men who have been manipulated, deceived and ultimately destroyed by women who will tell them anything just to get into their pants.

The common factor is the man. Women should really try and not turn against each other, even when they've been on opposite sides of the affair. They all suffer at the hands of the man, just in different ways.

I didn’t use rape or abuse as an excuse or low self esteem. Another poster mentioned something similar.

I truly hope you are perfect and never make one bad decision in life.