Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Meant to be meeting Mr Surgery On Friday but apparently he is having trouble with his phone and we don't have a confirmed time and place yet. I know there is still time to arrange it so I will see if he gets in contact tomorrow. I'd like to believe he is genuine but so many men have played games with me.

Mr Persistent wants to see me this weekend and wants me to drive down to see him. Only issue is my wheel got damaged yesterday and isn't holding air that well so I need to find a new wheel that's proving difficult. He suggested taking the train but that would take 4 hours are be more expensive. I'm just going to see how it goes with him as if he expects me to be the one always travelling then he can get lost. The travelling should be equal although me not being able to drive for a while after next Friday isn't going to help.

@SimonJT glad things are going well. Yes, round for lunch or dinner would be a good next mov. But I’d still keep it fairly short.

@InTheTempest sorry but your post made me laugh - the 70 year old

Aw @saltysally bummer.

Hmmm, my Mr S, after moving to WA and yesterday asking me out (I accepted) has not messaged me since. Not losing any sleep over it. If he’s interested, I’ll know. If he’s lukewarm, I’m out 👋🏻

Ahh just back from my fourth internet date in four months. Had high hopes for this one. He was really lovely- had a definite attraction there.... but he was too short. Such a shame!! And my attraction just fizzled out.

On tinder they don't need to give their height, but it feels rude to ask- especially when I don't get asked out much anyway.

I'm also on bumble where they say their height, so I'm being more discriminatory, but also getting way less interest.

I'm chatting with one iron who is super keen- but he's given his height and I know I won't fancy him in person.

Ahh such a bummer to meet someone I like, respect, get on well with and fancy- but he's too short and it puts me off.

Still haven't kissed anyone since splitting with ex over 4 years ago. I think going on sober dates doesn't help. We both drove. But my thinking was to get the first meet out of the way, then if we want to meet again I can loosen up then.

Ahh just disappointed as I had high hopes for this one- but I'll need to get back to the apps and conjure up something else.

Just been on the apps and the status of Mr S is no longer “busy at work” so he’s been on, changed his status, yet not had the courtesy to reply to my WA message from yesterday accepting his date (which he read within the hour). Duly deleted and blocked. 🙄

@eyebrowsofinstagram I know what you mean about height but I had a really strong connection with and a very nice date with a man who is slightly shorter than me, and it's completely changed my attitude towards having a height preference. And as the wise Ant said, we're all the same height lying down.

Hormones are stupid.
I'm literally awake at 4.30am because I'm so randy. And there's nobody here to wake up for a shag.
Fucking fucker stbx.
I am really ragey.

Hormones are indeed stupid.

I've just hidden my profile on fab again. I've got about a 2 week window before the hormones fight back. 😉😊

False alarm with Mr Surgery, was awake until 3:30 texting back and forth. Still meeting him tomorrow. I need to remember rule number 3

Looking for a little advise from the more experienced internet dating ladies 😂. I only recently joined PoF and have been talking to this man for a few weeks now. We are arranged to meet sat and he cancelled due to an issue with his kids which I think was genuine. So I said he should let me know when he is free and I cut back on the messaging a bit but he’s been taking the lead in the conversations. Now do I ask him if he can meet again or just carrying on messaging or leave it totally as he would have asked to meet if he was interested 🤷🏼‍♀️.

@jane1978xx I am of the opinion that if its possible you should meet someone within 2 weeks of talking to them.

I met Mr C the day after I moved to the city, I think we'd talked for a couple of weeks beforehand although I was really bad at replying on Tinder so it was only two days worth of conversation. I left him hanging for about 4 days. Can't believe I nearly missed out on him.....what if I hadn't replied OMGWHATIFIHADNTREPLIEDANDHE'DUNMATCHED

@jane1978xx does he make vague suggestions about meeting up at all or just chat about other stuff? When I first started dating I had to delay a couple of dates because exh had to travel with work and I didn't have a babysitter but I made it clear I still wanted to meet the men. Apart from one they all blanked me so I guess they thought I was wasting their time. I would say if you're just chatting and he isn't trying to set up a date then I would stop messaging him.

@sbd1 I was quite laid back at first and frequently took a few days to reply and then I learnt from this thread that was rude so I got better. Mr R was a quick mover. A few messages one day, a phone 'interview' that night, WhatsApp chat and a date organised after about 2 days. I was worried originally that he was too enthusiastic.

@eyebrowsofinstagram I think you might be being a bit too fussy about the height thing! I can understand you not finding a man attractive if he is a lot shorter than you but maybe the fact that you haven't kissed anyone in 4 years might be due to you dismissing nice men because they are an in ch or two below your preference?

Mr Ad isn't as tall as I would usually go for and only fractionally taller than me (probably about the same in heels) but he is awesome and I'm so glad I didn't rule him out on height. He might have had a preference for women below a size 10 and ruled me out...works both ways.

The men I've dated who are 6ft and above have all turned out to be nowhere near as lovely. Physical attraction is important but it only gets you so far.

We had it set up then there was this issue with his kids . I might just give it another week and see how it goes 🤷🏼‍♀️. Nothing to loose I’m not talking to anyone else at then moment

@sunshineandflipflops

I totally agree. I have a preference for tall guys because I'm 5ft9 and don't like to feel lanky even though I'm not very tall, just above average. Mr C is 5ft 11 and I'm okay with it. It doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes I feel the same height as him, and other times its clear he's taller than me. I didn't know his height before I met him, usually I find out first....

@StealthNinjaMum Luckily I had the excuse of moving house but yeah now I realise that I nearly missed out on the best thing thats happened this year just because of my rudeness

Oh..Mr C has invited me to his work Xmas party in December. Thats over two months away. I think he likes me.

It's two months since we met tomorrow, still not sure if its time to have the "what are we conversation". We'll see how this weekend goes.

@Jane1978xx sorry to say it but in my experience if he really wanted to meet he would have rescheduled rather than cancelled. He may just want a penpal.

@SBD1 Its coming up to two months for me and Mr Ad too and we have had the 'we are in a relationship and are girlfriend/boyfriend' already! Just felt right and it was clear that neither of us had any intention of seeing anyone else.

@sunshineandflipflops

I mean he brought me flowers when I was sick, he's come round during this week to see me after DS is asleep (Which he wouldn't have done before) and we've had some really good conversations about sex (as in why we're compatible) and other stuff. And this is the first time we've talked about going out together to meet people. So he was always going to come meet my best friends, but he also talked about his friends and then the xmas party. So its pretty obvious I think. Maybe I'll wait to see how he introduces me to people haha

@sbd1 it sounds like it's going really well but I would have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later as I know from this thread that you can think you're exclusive and in a relationship and the man can behave like it but not be committed.

@Sunshineandflipflops another lovely update. You really deserved to get someone decent.

@stealthninjamum I know we're exclusive, we're only seeing each other.

I guess I don't want to push him into labelling us if actually we don't need to. Its only been two months and we have kept our relationship insular, you know getting to know each other slowly without meeting each others friends. He's meeting my closest ones in two weeks and he said that he isn't going to "arrange" for me to meet his friends, just if something appropriate comes up. But that's because he knows I hate forcing stuff and would be super nervous. I'm comfortable with him coming round during the week for an hour when DS has gone to bed, I noticed he isn't satisfied with seeing me just once a week now.

I think I'll ask him tomorrow night if him inviting me to Xmas do is because I'm his girlfriend hahaha

In that case I wouldn't have any other conversation @sbd1. To me it was important to be exclusive and then take time to slowly get to know each other without the anxiety of wondering if he was dating other women. Mr R has since called it a 'relationship' and initiated future conversations. It's all so different from my exh who I snogged and that was it - relationship from day one.

If I didn't feel secure I would have the conversation. He doesn't really talk in person about stuff like this. We've had maybe two conversations about it, the first one was when he was unsure if he wanted to stay as friends or pursue a relationship and we resolved that I was able to see progression from that point. In fact since that conversation 5 or 6 weeks ago its changed a lot but that was always going to happen as per the course of a relationship!

He also used to wait for me to arrange to meet up and now he asks when he'll see me next. We cook for each other, take my dogs out for walks (going for a big walk this saturday). I'm happy to slowly integrate into each others social lives and I'll introduce him to DS at some point next year. DS knows all about him, and Mr C has seen videos of DS. I think he will be really nervous but DS is super laidback and won't be phased at all.

I think the biggest thing will be when exMIL finds out I've been dating someone for the last two months. She's going to go mental.

The only thing......I haven't ever actually told Mr C I'm still married. I've never mentioned it. He knows I was married I just never clarified that I'm not yet divorced (decree nsi is in a week). Given that I'll be divorced by the end of the year I don't think Ill mention it. It's not a biggie?

@Sunshineandflipflops great your relationship is going so well.

Yes I definitely sound over fussy. I was thinking about it, and my exH was the same height as me- so I was taller in heels. But he was very manly built, not slight, but I kind of feel like a big change now.

I'm 5'7 and those 2 nice guys were probably 5'7/ 5'6 so quite short for a guy really.

I know I'm being super picky about it - if I mega fancied him anyway that would be fine, but I'm thinking I just need to meet lots more men to get me up and running.

Good advice on the messaging @SBD1 and others. I usually leave it quite long and the conversation goes cold so they go away. I guess I need to respond a lot faster but sometimes just can't think of anything to say!

@SBD1 I think i wpuld actually mention it. Perhaps something like "woo decree nisi has come through - let's go for drinks to celebrate".
Otherwise it could look like you're trying to pull the wool. This way it looks like you assumed he knew you were only halfway through the process but also includes him in it and shows you're keen to keep moving forward with it.

Maybe I'm overthinking but I would definitely let him know.

@SBD1 - maybe you could seamlessly weave divorce and being boyfriend and girlfriend into the same conversation?

I'm now driving myself crazy on bumble segregating for height and star sign, photo is the last thing on my list to look at!

No wonder I'm not getting much action!!

@saltysally worst of it is he lives really near by 😂. I’m going on holiday in 2 weeks so I’ll keep up the pleasant chat until then and then fade away if nothing happened