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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moving out from abusive partner and legal rights

156 replies

Lena007 · 27/09/2019 14:17

I'm planning to move out with DS to escape abuser. He knows I will be moving out but doesn't know when.

Is it legal to take some furniture with me? (Sofa bed, TV stand and table and chairs, the rest of it I can leave behind). 4 bedroom house fully furnished. He says I'm not allowed to take anything except of personal possessions like clothes/shoes. Everything else is joined therefore because I voluntarily leave the house, it has to stay in it until we divorce. I just want a few basics for a start so I won't have to buy it all again. He is not willing to sell the house and is planning to rent bedrooms when I'm gone. The house is jointly owned still on mortgage. Can he do this when I object?

I'm scared that I won't be allowed to be back in the house and won't see everything left there ever again.

I'm so lost.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 14:14

As the abuser is at home with your ds any words of comfort you may try to offer him will be twisted beyond recognition and their value will be lost before you've left the premises.

You'll be able to say what you want to say to ds on the school premises tomorrow and you can explain that his uniform is late as you had to launder it last night (i.e tonight).

Clangus00 · 30/09/2019 14:24

If (as you obviously are) you are named on your son’s birth certificate, the school can not prevent you from collecting your son unless dad has given them a copy of a court order. As he clearly doesn’t have one, you can’t be stopped from removing your son from school tomorrow.

Lena007 · 30/09/2019 15:34

If I don't give him school uniform DS won't go to school and I will get blamed for him not attending the school

Just got a txt from stbxh that DS wants our cat back into the house, his toys and ipad.

I just feel so bad for not being there for him.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/09/2019 15:49

You can drop his uniform at school for him.

DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 16:07

Your abuser is a very cunning and manipulative motherfucker.

Unfortunately you have played into his hands by leaving before the relevant interdicts were in place and now we've got to play you out of his clutches using whatever means at our disposal.

Ignore any request he makes that he claims comes from your ds and that means the cat, toys, ipad etc stay with you. With regard to the uniform, I very much doubt that he will keep ds off school tomorrow if he doesn't have it as he intends to go to the school and he won't hesitate to parade ds in 'civvies' as evidence of your failure to provide the uniform

If he does keep ds off school because he hasn't got the uniform, you can counter with the reason he's off school is that mil is arriving later and ds is expected to be on hand to greet her.

I'm sorry to say that you've got to go with feeling bad at the moment as you're damned if you do and damned if you don't because, as I've said, he's going twist and turn everything you do/don't do. say/don't say, in his attempt to turn ds against you.

I utterly despise men, and women, who callously disregard the welfare and wellbeing of their dc when they are endeavouring to score points against the other parent.

Presumably he knows where you are staying and I wouldn't put it past him to turn up on your doorstep with ds demanding that you hand over the items he's requested. Be on guard and DO NOT answer the door. If anyone is available to answer the door, instruct them to say you're not in and fgs don't let him over the threshold.

DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 18:05

Do you have a trusted friend who could drop the uniform - one set only - to him? You drive, park where you can't be seen, they deliver to the door?

Or you leave it on the doorstep and text him after you've done the deed and are safely back in your car?

You won't get to see ds but, all being well, you'll be reunited with him tomorrow.

Is there any way he may have put tracking apps on your phone or other computer equipment, OP?

Lena007 · 30/09/2019 21:53

I've dropped off the school uniform. DS was so confused, didn't even say hi. Didn't want to come with me to stay overnight because his grandma is coming tomorrow and he wants to spend time with her because doesn't see her often. It's not like him.

Stbxh said he wants DS to live in the house until it's sold. He has changed locks and didn't give me the key but said I can access house 24/7 because someone is going to be there to open the door for me, either him or MIL. And he is going to ask court for psychiatric assessment and isn't going to give me the key because he is worried for is and DSS health and safety when I'm around. FFS. I'm too soft

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/09/2019 22:00

Is it jointly owned? He cannot stop access to it I dont think

Yes you are too soft you have to read DonKeyShot advice and solicitors advice and stop pandering and allowing his the mindspace to control you

Lena007 · 30/09/2019 22:15

Yes, I will be at solicitors sharp at 9 tomorrow. Will find out where legal aid and child residence order has been submitted and will speed things up. And will use the change of locks against him.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 30/09/2019 23:00

He’s a shit head.

DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 23:21

From what you've said, it must be crystal clear to you that he's done a real number on your son and if I were you I'd use every trick in the book to wipe the sneer off his face get your ds out of his clutches.

He's in urgent need of psychiatric assessment but, ime, these wily twats very often get away it.

Please bear in mind that he is likely to be hotfooting it to solicitors tomorrow and simply finding out where legal aid and a child residence order has been submitted isn't going to cut it.

You MUST apply for an occupation interdict and, depending on your new solicitor's advice, a prohibited steps or child residence interdict. Just think how you'd feel if you could waltz up to the marital home tomorrow, compel him to leave with MIL, and resume residence with your ds..... he could hardly take ds away from you as it's apparently the child's stated wish to remain in the house and in his own bedroom until it's sold, is it not?

You are your son's primary carer. As such you want to do the best for him and if this means giving him the stability he wants until such time as the house is sold then so be it. You'll suck it up and live there until the sale goes through.

The fact that he's changed the locks and is refusing/has failed to give you a set of keys should count against him and, hopefully, go some way to convince the Sheriff that he's not a reasonable man.

Given the events of the last 48 hours, your new solicitor should not have a problem finding grounds to support your applications. What I'm more worried about is whether you can find a solicitor who can act for you at short notice. Perhaps WA can advise?

Put any notion of an order to force a sale on ice until the above is sorted. If you can get an occupation interdict it will put you firmly in the driver's seat and you can bet that he'll be chasing for a quick sale because it'll drive him mad he won't want to see you living in what he clearly considers to be HIS house.

I'd also advise you to give consideration to proceeding with divorce at the earliest opportunity, otherwise this will be another occasion where he can get in first. As I understand it, and in accordance with the law of England/Wales, you can file your petition to divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour online for very little cost - I can at least help you to set out your grounds for divorce in a concise manner.

As I've made clear, I am not familiar with the laws of Scotland but it may be that if your solicitor makes mention of your intention to file for divorce in the near future, the Sheriff may see fit to grant interdict(s) until such time as child residency and other such matters are resolved as part and parcel of the divorce process. It may be worth a try and may go some way to maintain the narrative of your abuser as an unreasonable man who is intent on having his own way no matter how much unnecessary stress and trauma he causes others.

There's a lot to do and a lot to take in. There's also a lot to lose... don't be soft, harden your heart and play to win - your ds deserves nothing less.

DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 23:27

As you haven't done so, and as AIBU is beginning to settle down for the night Smile I might put a shout out for a Scottish solicitor with chronic insomnia experience of domestic abuse cases to cast an eye over your thread and make some observations.

Hopefully you may have some additional opinions to work with tomorrow.

Northernsoullover · 30/09/2019 23:31

What an utter cock he is. Good luck for tomorrow.

custardbear · 01/10/2019 06:22

Goodness how awful for you. Is he telling your DS a pack of lies about you?
Good luck, be strong

Lena007 · 01/10/2019 06:23

I'm just terrified of him, he has never hit me but can be aggressive, threatened to beat up my brother who was helping me out with the move (it has been reported to police too when they attended to allow me to move out).

He used to stand by the door preventing me to leave the room when we argued until I've given in and I'm scared he will be doing it now.

I don't want DS having to witness all this. Need to get him out of there.

OP posts:
Lena007 · 01/10/2019 06:36

@custardbear presumably. DS was so confused yesterday and nervous. He couldn't remember what he had for dinner. Said he was just sitting around all day because there is nothing in the house to play with i.e. no PlayStation or computer. There is plenty toys, books and boardgames left but stbxh never played board games with him and never read the book to him, ever.

DS is having a cold, stbex said he could have a temperature but since I've taken DSs thermometer and ibuprofen he can't even check that and do anything. I've asked let DS come with me I will look after him, the answer was no. It feels like punishing DS for us moving out where DS didn't have a clue what was happening until all our stuff was moved.

OP posts:
Horehound · 01/10/2019 09:08

By the way your MIL cannot stop you from taking your son away.
And your husband can't just ask for a psychological assessment!

Lena007 · 01/10/2019 09:32

Solicitor in the same office as mine in court this morning. I've got to come back today at 2.30pm. The receptionist is going through file and rapes left by my solicitor for her to do and with updates and she will phone me back once she finds any info.
She said we will need to raise a court action but it can take a few days.
I'm at womens aid just now
More texts form stbhs demanding toys and clothes

He has informed school the situation is reported to police and the fact that DS wants to stay at family home. He has also said that granny is going to pick DS up for a while

OP posts:
Lena007 · 01/10/2019 09:33

Tapes not rapes!

OP posts:
Lena007 · 01/10/2019 09:37

He keeps texting saying DS is asking all the time where am I. He also says how sick the situation is and how heartbroken he is because of my actions and how DS is suffering. What a f#coking idiot!!

OP posts:
Marmitemadmummy · 01/10/2019 10:16

Donkeyshot has given some great advice. Be strong and document everything your ex is saying to you. I made notes on my phone as I went along. I really hope you get to be with your son soon.

Aurielia · 01/10/2019 11:20

Can you not just pick your son up from school early. The school can't refuse to hand him over to you but give him to his grandma.

Then send a text to his father saying you have picked up your son from school. He will be staying with you until the emergency court case.

He has no right to refuse you access to your child especially when he isn't even the one looking after him.

Do not allow him to visit or let your son wander off alone. Have a meeting with the school today. Tell them every thing that has been going on. They won't be able to stop your husband taking him without a court order, but they might be able to let you fetch him early or refuse to hand him over to anyone who's is not his parent.

If he continues to send abuse, report it asap to the police and your solicitor. If he comes to the house ring the police.
Refuse to answer other than son is fine, you can ring him (on speaker) at x. Tell him nothing more will be discussed until court. Any more contact except to call your son will be considered harassment. Don't raise to his bait. Just keep repeating the above

He's not going to back down. You need to keep yourself and your son safe. In the meantime do everything you can to get into your new home, show the court you have everything your son needs. Make a point his mother will be handling the care of your son not him.

Take care

ifpossible · 01/10/2019 12:01

You have every right to go and get your son. I very much doubt he is concentrating much at school just now with this going on & if I were you I would go & lift him just now and try & do some damage limitation with regards to the major head fuck he has been subjected to by his father. Follow what @aurielia says. You have to make it clear to your solicitor and the court the mental impact he is having on your son.

Lena007 · 01/10/2019 13:00

I need to have a court order in place first.
If I pick him up from school today, I will need to take him there tomorrow and he would go in the middle of the day to take him home. I won't be doing this. I will do it once I have the court order

OP posts:
Aurielia · 01/10/2019 13:56

When will you know about the court order?

I'd still go to fetch him from school today and bring him to school tomorrow. If he decides to fetch him earlier than unfortunately until the court order you can't stop him, but neither can he stop you. You can stop his mother though. She has no right to take your son, if you are there.

Just make sure the school knows what's going on from you. Just show up to fetch him. Show the school exactly what games he's playing and the affect on your son.

Let him call you crazy and tell everyone your in the wrong. Just keep on interacting with the authorities, follow advice and keep the status quo for your son.

He's going to escalate his attack on you, but let him. He's going to dig his own grave. Right now he has your son, it looks like he's won. But he took him without your knowledge, with no clothes and toys. He's getting his mother to look after his child, instead of you. This isn't the work of a caring father. He shows how vindictive he is. He is willing to use his own son to hurt you and it shows.

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