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Original poster

My husband had an on/ off affair for 13 years but wants to save our marriage

122 replies

Willhistoryrepeat · 25/09/2019 13:24

I found out last may that my husband had been having an on/ off affair with somebody he met at work. He ended it immediately and we had counselling although he seems to blank many details out. We have had a great year all things considered but I am still conflicted, how many of you have experienced this and carried on to a better relationship? Things are so much better and I’m convinced he has had nothing to do with the OW, saying he feels like he was ill and is now cured.. Close family are shocked as he is usual perfect husband and father etc. I don’t want to waste more time but like many of you, I only work part ime having bought our 2 girls up, now both over 18 so worry about financial security and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried. Took advice from Sol and house is for sale, he knows at that point I have a choice but until then it’s as easy to keep the status quo? He is a charming man who I though adored me. Obviously not as much as I thought! When pushed by counsellor he said he did it because he could? He was about to have a little break with her and her 11 year old daughter when he was outed by my 18 yo daughter who found photos of her on his laptop. Hoping some of you have salvaged the relationship but if it all goes bad I’m hoping for some support on here, always reading it and amazed at our combined support and help , just renewed my username for obvious reasons!

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 25/09/2019 13:52

Is her daughter his?

magoria · 25/09/2019 13:53

If he has been having an affair for 13 years are you sure the 11 year old isn't his?

Going away with OW and her DC isn't an affair. It is another relationship.

Don't think I could ever forgive that length of deception.

Original poster
Willhistoryrepeat · 25/09/2019 13:54

No, I asked that very early on, and she didn’t let go easy and texted me photos of roses and cards the soppy twat had sent her, when she realised he wouldn’t pick up her calls or respond to texts. It would have come out by now.

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 25/09/2019 13:57

And you just believed him? Really op?

PicsInRed · 25/09/2019 13:58

Not if she knows what side her bread's buttered on. Any cash withdrawals over the years? Standing orders? Regular payments of any kind?

AdelaideK · 25/09/2019 14:03

He said he did it because he could? Ugh that's so disrespectful.

I wouldn't trust him for one second. He was ill for 13 years and now he's cured? There aren't enough Hmm emojis in the world for him.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 14:03

Does the ow now about you. It sounds like the daughter could be his too.
He'd have been gone the moment I found out tbh, some double life.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 14:07

There is no relationship to salvage, he checked out when he started his double life.
He doesn't love you as you don't do that to someone you love. Have some self respect, a life on your own is better than this low life.
Good Dad? Yes, because when he should have been with your dd he was with his other family.
Wake up.

Badolddays · 25/09/2019 14:10

Well the child was born during the affair so it’s an obvious assumption. What was her position ie married/single what?

BBBear · 25/09/2019 14:12

13 years isn’t an affair, it’s a relationship, especially if he goes on holiday with her and her daughter (and his daughter?)

If he loves you why has he been with another woman for 13 years?

Bythebeach · 25/09/2019 14:12

13 years isn’t an affair! It’s another relationship. Your 18 year old was 5 when this started. It makes a mockery of years and years of your relationship and your family life. I can’t see how it could ever be right for your self-esteem and your mental health to stay in this marriage.
And are you sure this 11 year old isn’t his? Who’s is it? Did he keep seeing her during pregnancy, birth, babyhood? If he was about to go on a trip with the other woman AND her daughter, who does the daughter think your husband is? Just her mum’s boyfriend?
And what example are you setting for your own kids?
I know life is complicated, I know people have one night stands, affairs or much more honestly open marriages and stay married but the extent of your husband’s deception is so great it is surely marriage shattering. What made you stay so far apart from finances and fear of lonely old age?

Grannybags · 25/09/2019 14:15

Thirteen years isn’t an affair - it’s another life. I’d also be concerned about the 11 year old. Just think about how many lies he has told you over those years.

NewNameGuy · 25/09/2019 14:16

You'd have to be a total mug to stay with him

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/09/2019 14:16

I don't think you can trust him, OP. 13 years is a heck of a long time to be carrying on a double life (because it's not an affair, it's a relationships as PP's have said).

I think you need to start gathering financial documents, etc. and seek legal advice on what you're entitled to. The one good thing is that your DC are young adults so they'll understand why you're doing this and you can probably count on their support.

Honestly, look to your future and make your own life. He's a complete hypocrite, OP, and doesn't respect you. Flowers

LoonyLunaLoo · 25/09/2019 14:17

No I couldn’t forgive. 13 years isn’t just an affair, it’s a whole double life together. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and it feels like a life time but he just cut her off and immediately realised he was wrong once he was found out? And I would certainly not believe the 11 year old isn’t his...

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/09/2019 14:17

If the 11-year-old IS his, that's not your problem.

stucknoue · 25/09/2019 14:18

This wasn't a fling. It's incredibly scary, I'm in your position (except no affair), going it alone with adult kids and only a pt job is terrifying. We have a financial agreement for support from him to me but the reality is it's going to be tough. I would start thinking about how you can increase your income, I've picked up 8 extra hours a week and freelance work which keeps me in food!

BrightonRox · 25/09/2019 14:19

Wow...just stunned at this. I can't believe he is using 'being ill' as an excuse. He is a special kind of deceptive bastard who has betrayed both you and your children for THIRTEEN YEARS. He has been leading a double life. This isn't just an affair.

Honestly OP, once that house is sold...take the money and start a new life. It can be done. Otherwise you will be living the left of your life in a state of permanent anxiety that he will be doing it again.

SuzieQ10 · 25/09/2019 14:22

Yeah it sounds like the 11 year old is likely to be his. If he had been spending time with both mother and child.
Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself to stay with someone that's betrayed you (and your family) for YEARS. He was not ill for 13 years and now cured. He is and was a cheating, lying husband that doesn't think that much of you.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 14:25

I doubt he's not still with her, 13 years is a long time.
Was/is she his partner with finances? I wonder how much of your family money has gone to his other family? They sound used to taking breaks together.
If you chuck him out you know where he'll be, and he's probably keeping her on the sidelines for when you finally see sense and dump his sorry arse.
Please don't let your daughter think this is normal behaviour and nice little wifey puts up with it rather than being on her own. It's not a good message. Does she know he led a double life for 13 years, and she could have a sister, or does she just think it was a short affair that's over.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/09/2019 14:26

13 years of lies is unforgivable. You deserve more than this bastard. He is not the man you thought he was and he will never change.

EssentialHummus · 25/09/2019 14:27

You deserve so much better OP Flowers.

BrightonRox · 25/09/2019 14:28

Oh and just to say, being on your own may be scary in thought, but it is sure as hell a lot better than being with someone utterly disrespectful and duplicitous. My ex cheated on me and that was just for one year. I ended it as soon as I found out because I found the self respect that I had been looking for, as his intention was to trample on my emotions and make me think it was something I did wrong.

Original poster
Willhistoryrepeat · 25/09/2019 14:28

OW is single, never married but the child was from a relationship and the father is still around as a parent, they sometimes didn’t see each other for months on end , my husband travels and stays away for a couple of days so it would have been hotels paid for by work, I control the bank account and cards so no unusual payments or d/d mandates... if the child were his he would have had to pay for years and certainly now? House is for sale and I will be downsizing as one child already moved out and the other at uni.Im trying not to make a hasty decision- I was obviously devastated for many months and still feel very angry and hurt, I’m not sure he even deserves another chance but why should I suffer financially? I’ve done nothing? It sucks that it’s usually the women who end up shafted in these breakups!

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 25/09/2019 14:28

The .11 year old is probably his.
Your husband is a deceitful, selfish man who has little respect for you. He cheated, because he could and he will continue to cheat on you because he can. He is confident that you will take him back and then he will continue to play happy families with his mistress and their daughter