My husband had an on/ off affair for 13 years but wants to save our marriage

[Willhistoryrepeat]

I found out last may that my husband had been having an on/ off affair with somebody he met at work. He ended it immediately and we had counselling although he seems to blank many details out. We have had a great year all things considered but I am still conflicted, how many of you have experienced this and carried on to a better relationship? Things are so much better and I’m convinced he has had nothing to do with the OW, saying he feels like he was ill and is now cured.. Close family are shocked as he is usual perfect husband and father etc. I don’t want to waste more time but like many of you, I only work part ime having bought our 2 girls up, now both over 18 so worry about financial security and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried. Took advice from Sol and house is for sale, he knows at that point I have a choice but until then it’s as easy to keep the status quo? He is a charming man who I though adored me. Obviously not as much as I thought! When pushed by counsellor he said he did it because he could? He was about to have a little break with her and her 11 year old daughter when he was outed by my 18 yo daughter who found photos of her on his laptop. Hoping some of you have salvaged the relationship but if it all goes bad I’m hoping for some support on here, always reading it and amazed at our combined support and help , just renewed my username for obvious reasons!

I’ve been through very similar. Maybe that will help you...

I wasn’t married as long (3 years) but together many years (14), no DC although we were going through IVF to have a baby after many years of trying. During round 3, completely by accident, I found out he’d been having an affair for years. This OW was single and under the impression I was a boring, bitter life sucker and he only stayed with me becuase I was mentally unstable. None of that was true and she had no idea about the IVF. He ‘worked away’ a lot, and would ask her along or tag on days I thought he was working but he was actually with her. She had a child (from a prior relationship) but the child believed my H to be her mums long term boyfriend. Her parents had met him many times and the weekend I found out he was actually already away to attend a family event with her and her family, while I was waiting to take a pregnancy test the following week. Nice, huh??

Here’s the thing. He did all the begging and ‘I’m clearly not well’ thing too. He promised to change. But he couldn’t. For years he had subconsciously been getting a very big Adrenalin kick from furtive phone calls, secret sims, secret phones, calling me with her keeping quiet in the background, and that thrill was very hard to kick. Funnily enough I found out he’d been cheating with other women too - lying to OW about me, to me about her, to OW about other OW, it was the messiest mess ever.

He will totally be addicted to that kick, it’s normal now. All that lying and furtiveness - he did it well - and next time he’ll be even cleverer and get an even bigger kick. He won’t stop; I’m hedge my bets he can’t.

FWIW I left, and thankfully the IVF hadn’t worked. A few months later I got a random FB message from a woman saying she was in a relationship with him and suspected he’d been lying about why our marriage broke up (he had) and suspicions he was cheating - he was - with the original OW again.

I understand your awful pain and your need for normality, but honestly what you are seeing to be ‘good’ is probably just smoke and mirrors.

I can forgive an affair but not one that lasted 13 years. That level of deception is truly astonishing. I'm not one for the LTB brigade but you need to LTB. Your relationship is not worth saving

I'd also start secreting money and protect yourself. Speak to a divorce lawyer . He's clearly adept at deception. He could clean you out and leave you with nothing if you're not careful. Protect yourself at all costs. And gods sake if you are mad enough to sleep with him again, make sure he wears a condom . He's a dirty bastard

Good luck OP. My heart aches for you

Which one of you does/did his laundry? You walking away has probably deprived him of his maid and emergency shag. Poor him.

And the fact that the OW gloated in such a way tells you the stories he's been spinning in her direction to keep her sweet. I'm sure he was always going to leave you for her (only he wasn't) but you finding out and kicking him out has taken away the spinning her along option and now it's all much less exciting. Not least, he has no excuse for not making that commitment to her that she was no doubt longing for, now.

Apols - I've flipped about and written that as if you had kicked him out - please read that as how he would see things.

I think in your hearts of hearts you have already made the decision. Like the others said think it's time to move on. 13 years bloody hell what a rat op

I just don't understand how 'allowing' her husband to have sex with other women in favour of staying married to him can bring her happiness.

You are committing the intellectual error of assuming that everyone is like you. She is expressing a desire to forgive him despite his behaviour. She may not be like you.

In fact, I think it's slightly demeaning.

It's only demeaning to someone who wants to be the only woman in the man's life. Some people aren't like you.

It's like saying 'you can still have him, IF you share.'

No-one "has" anyone. You can't "share" a person. Love and attachment are not zero-sum games where if you love more than one person you're somehow cheating them out of what they "deserve". Your language betrays your beliefs about relationships, and your beliefs aren't necessarily true.

That to me is misogynistic.

It's only misogynist if all women are like you and feel as you do. They aren't and don't.

IF (big if) the OP moves through this experience to learn that she doesn't actually care if he's faithful or not, then it would be freeing for her to acknowledge that, not demeaning.

I don't disagree with open relationships where all involved are happy with the arrangement but I don't think it's a helpful solution for someone who's been cheated on for the last 13 years.

I see where you're coming from on this and I don't entirely disagree with you. The dishonesty and cowardice of this man would put me right off him.

But OP seems ok with it. Again, not everyone is like me/you, and my post to the OP was designed to reveal a bit about what her choices might be and what the impact would be. So that she can make a more informed choice, rather than be assaulted with an avalanche of "OMG NO WOMAN SHOULD BE OK WITH THIS!!!" nonsense.

Reducing the avalanche gives OP some space to stop defending herself and dh, and rather just try to carefully, calmly examine her real options.

If you want to stay with him, stay with him. You don’t need anyone here to validate your choice. I think it’s going to bring you misery and anxiety in bucketloads, but if that’s the price you’re willing to pay for a nice house, then go for it. Don’t say you weren’t warned, though.

Google 'split self affair' by Emily Brown.

SUMMARY
The Split Self Affair is a long-term serious relationship. The split being played out in the affair reflects an internal split between doing things “right” and the emotional self. Treatment for those involved centers on understanding the origins of the internal split and on reclaiming the neglected emotional self. Long term individual therapy is the treatment of choice, augmented by other modalities.

This is the thing, OP. You are the 'right and dutiful' and OW is his passionate, emotional side.

I notice how 'blank' he is remembering stuff.

Well, good luck.

He’s led a completely double life, this would not be salvageable for me, he wouldn’t be the man I thought I knew, honestly there’d be no way back if I was in your position OP, I would choose peace of mind over any material object

Split Self Affairs

Split self affairs often last for many years and can prolong marriages as the split partner is getting their emotional needs met with the affair and their fantasy needs for a "good" family life met with the partner at home providing the image of a good marriage. In order for a couple to recover from this type of affair, a great amount of work is required and so these types of affair are usually the most difficult to repair as the split is so deeply embedded in the fabric of the relationship. Both partners in this relationship will need to explore their own personal issues and only then can work begin on the partner relationship.

@rvby but I don't assume everyone is like me. I clearly stated that 'I' didn't understand how she could allow a man to sleep with other women and be happy with it under these circumstances. *

It's only demeaning for someone who wants to be the only woman in the man's life. Some people aren't like you. *

This is merely my opinion. Most people aren't like you.

*Your language betrays your beliefs about relationships, and your beliefs aren't necessarily true.
*
But they're my beliefs and are true to me, I don't expect them to be true for everyone else. I'm sharing my opinion/boundaries regarding relationships, as is everyone else on here. Some people aren't like you.

@rvby also.....the OP is clearly not 'ok with it'.

DH uncle had an affair it was about eight years once his DW found out. He worked abroad a lot and had a double life. They divorced, she is poorer mainly because she took a lot of time out to care for their disabled child who now lives in supported accommodation as a young adult.

I personally think DH Aunt did the right thing, she is financially worse off. They had to sell there really quite stunning beautiful house. What’s the point though of sitting in splendour while being lied to and disrespected. I think being in a terrible relationship is worse than being single.

OP, I certainly don't see you staying with him for your lifestyle as an issue.

You have spent the past 13 years rearing your children and supporting his career.

What he has done is deeply deceptive and only you know if it suits you to stay.

Your poor DD finding out about his betrayal of the family.

Honestly, irrespective of whether you stay I would be hugely focused on getting the best settlement and see afterwards do you want to be together.

You say you have control of family accounts. Delve deeply to insure you have the full picture.

I would be 100% focusing on the financials.

Focus on doing what's best for you, just as he has, for most of your marriage.
Wishing you the best.
💐

13 years is a long time. He won't be able to keep away from his other woman. He has strong feelings for her or it would never have lasted so long. I guess he's one of those men who wants to have 2 women. That remains the issue whether the child is his or not.

Also - the child will know him well as her mum's longtime partner - even if he's not her dad. Note your H felt comfortable going away with a child accompanying them. & he's been around since before she was born.

Actually I'd be dubious about believing they split, then she quickly went off with another man had a child, then your H got back together with her. If a mate told you that scenario, you wouldn't believe it.

You just need to decide if you want to share him, for the sake of a comfortable life. Some women do that.

Even if he's letting the dust settle for now, be sure they'll be back together again.

I don't know why you keep on asking if anyone has had a positive outcome ?

You MUST realise that this is not a normal situation, a normal affair - of all the shit stories I have heard over the years about cheating husbands this is THE worst . I did know of one man who did similar (but not that length of time ) and the day he retired he left his wife and went off with his mistress .

You think you are in charge but you may get a surprise yet . I asked earlier - did I miss it ? - are you still having sex with him ?

He offered to give his job up straight away and get a job at home so he is home every night but I don’t think he will find that fulfilling at all. - he did this knowing you would refuse, as you seem to be very money orientated.

He has betrayed you in the worst way possible, you will never be able to trust him. He will probably leave you at some point. Get out now while you still have some self respect

Ditch him.

This is so wrong OP. What he did is (or should've been) unforgiveable. If it's something you're prepared to put up with then I don't know what to say. A few weeks of couples counselling won't sort this out, and there is no cure for being a dickhead through and through.

If he was away 2/3 nights a week, that's plenty of time to spend with the other woman, whether he contacted you during that time or not and I think your suggestion that they only spent the odd night in a hotel is wishful thinking. I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter viewed him as her father as he has known her all her life.

There wouldn't be enough money in the world for me to stay with such a man but it seems finances are more important to you than self respect and peace of mind.

He says he loves you - how much love has he held back from you to give to the OW over 13 years? Don't you feel robbed and short changed?

I know you wanted posters to give you examples of their DH cheating and they went on to live a happy life but I don't think it's a common outcome and although the women can try to forgive they are unlikely ever to forget.

From your posts it seems you will stay with him. I wish you the very best of luck.

I could never ever move on from this level of betrayal. A ONS maybe in certain circumstances but never 13 years of lying and cheating