My husband had an on/ off affair for 13 years but wants to save our marriage

[Willhistoryrepeat]

I found out last may that my husband had been having an on/ off affair with somebody he met at work. He ended it immediately and we had counselling although he seems to blank many details out. We have had a great year all things considered but I am still conflicted, how many of you have experienced this and carried on to a better relationship? Things are so much better and I’m convinced he has had nothing to do with the OW, saying he feels like he was ill and is now cured.. Close family are shocked as he is usual perfect husband and father etc. I don’t want to waste more time but like many of you, I only work part ime having bought our 2 girls up, now both over 18 so worry about financial security and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried. Took advice from Sol and house is for sale, he knows at that point I have a choice but until then it’s as easy to keep the status quo? He is a charming man who I though adored me. Obviously not as much as I thought! When pushed by counsellor he said he did it because he could? He was about to have a little break with her and her 11 year old daughter when he was outed by my 18 yo daughter who found photos of her on his laptop. Hoping some of you have salvaged the relationship but if it all goes bad I’m hoping for some support on here, always reading it and amazed at our combined support and help , just renewed my username for obvious reasons!

I’m sorry this has happened to you.
But you openly admit that you stay with the man for his money and to not be alone.
That’s not ok. He might be a bad person but it doesn’t give you the right to financially use him and stay with him for your convenience.

I do feel sorry for you but how about standing on your own feet and becoming financially independent. Be an example to your daughter.

So many women on this forum use men as lifestyle providers and nothing else.

It would still be going on if your dd hadn't discovered it. He would have gone on his cosy holiday and you would still be none the wiser. He's laughing at you, get rid.

I think it's really sad that your bar for happiness is so low, OP.

I'm almost 55, single, and about to make myself financially unstable (I don't have much money anyway) in the pursuit of my dream. I would not change places with you at any price, because I am happier than I have ever been.

That stability and money that are so important to you? They don't equal happiness. Happiness is listening to your inner being when it speaks - and it spoke when it prompted you to write on here. It knew what people would say.

Your inner being wants you to fulfill your potential in this life, and not waste it on someone who doesn't love you (and never has - whatever he says).

Although I certainly don't think that using him as a lifestyle provider is unreasonable at all, considering he's been using both you and another woman for whatever he wanted for 13 years with no regard for the feelings of either of you.

I'd advise walking for your own happiness, not his.

Who says I am using him? I still have strong feelings for him which is why I’m still here? He isn’t a bad person but he has made some catastrophically bad decisions which is probably going to force me to leave him eventually. I’ll be taking some good memories of the last 18 months at the very least. I didn’t chuck him out on the spot and get left high and dry, I suppose that’s the preferred option here? The kids have had time to get used to the idea too, of course they know it’s totally unacceptable behaviour ! I refer to my original post asking if anybody had taken the long road with any success, it appears not. As for financial security, that would be great... only I stopped working to bring up the kids and support the family from home. I have worked part time for some years now. My husband earns about 6 times what I do

I actually think he'll end up leaving you. Whether it's for this woman or a new one, I don't think you matter enough to him for him to stay forever.
He would have still been carrying on if he hadn't got caught. To be honest he could still be carrying on he's just being smarter now.

There's only you that can decide if you want to stay in this relationship. When you say had an affair for 13 years, we're they in touch all the time or did they just sleep with each other occasionally? I personally could never forgive that. It's probably less painful to leave than to try and repair it. The problem with people who have affairs is that they're so 'snide' could you even trust him with anything? Not just to be faithful. 13 years is a long time to time. If I did stay with him though, I'd have a pre nup written up that states is he is ever unfaithful again and you find out, you get 75% of the marital assets. Only then would I believe his intentions.

It’s thought that it takes at least two years to recover from an affair, so you still probably have another 8 months, at least. However, those timescales only really work if the person who had the affair is telling you the truth about everything, which I just don’t think he is.

-OW was prepared for him to meet her child, alright at the end of a business trip but I don’t believe that would be the first time meeting, in a different country and straight into a holiday adds a lot more stress to meeting mum’s new ‘boyfriend’.
-You day he’s leaving large amounts blank, so is he telling you everything you want to know to work through this.

• He didn’t confess. Confessing would have happened off his own back, 13 years ago. He was found out. By your daughter, nonetheless. He has only told you because he was found out. If your daughter hadn’t found out, he’d still be seeing her. Which isn’t that he’s ill, is it?
• Has either he or the OW changed their jobs? If not, how are you sure he’s still seeing her but covering his tracks better. He lied to your face once before when you outright asked him. Plus every time he shagged OW. He’ll keep lying.
• There are a lot of resources/forums/articles out there from people who been betrayed and who had affairs. From the people who have had affairs side, a lot mention this ‘fog’ that clouds their brain and when they’ve been found out, they are still in the cheating mindset and so they’re telling you what he wants you to hear.
• What is he doing to make you feel safe?

I don’t say/ask these things to invalidate you working through this but I think he’s sweeping a lot of this under the rug. Which isn’t going to give you the better relationship you asked about in your OP. I think some people do have better relationships after an affair but they both work damn hard at it for a number of years.

Caso yes, they have both changed jobs over the years and didn’t work at the same company again, as I said for many years there was at least 200 miles each way between them, my husband has been with us every single weekend . He FaceTimes me often when he is away although somebody else can be right next to him and I’d never know, I have all his log ins and passwords, so can check texts but if he wants to be contacting somebody he can buy another mobile and hide it somewhere, so an element of trust is necessary anyway. I can’t keep him under lock and key, neither do I want to. He offered to give his job up straight away and get a job at home so he is home every night but I don’t think he will find that fulfilling at all. So all we could do is move to where he works when we sell up. He texts or rings a few times a day, again this neither proves nor disproves anything? He is doing much more around the house and is a lot more chilled to be around now

@Drabarni you'd be surprised at the amount of women that are happy to settle for occasionally sleeping with other people's husband.

@rvby are you suggesting she turns a blind eye in return for financial security? 😱 Most women I know would rather sell their soul than share a partner.

Sorry you’re going through this. Only you know whether you can live with it. Its a long time he’s deceived you and i think it will torment you in the long run. He’s not the person you thought he was is he? I think you deserve better. Also to go away with her and her daughter like a family? And, you found out. - he didnt feel so bad as to want to tell you...
i know of no success stories sadly. I think people can put it behind them and move on with lots of counselling. Would he go to counselling? Do you feel he is tormented with remorse?

are you suggesting she turns a blind eye in return for financial security?

Gosh what a weird reading of my post.

What I'm suggesting is that if she is ok with him not being faithful and wants to stay married - for any reason, including financial - then she is allowed to want that, but she needs to get ready for the judgement. Your post is a case in point.

Most women I know would rather sell their soul than share a partner.

Yes, because most women have a weird belief that what a man thinks of them is a measure of their self worth.

Personally I dont care if my dp has relationships with other women as long as we are happy. Perhaps for you, you truly believe that what your partner does is a sign of how much "value" you have. I dont share that view but you may think as you please.

Imo no one is worthless because their partner might not be good at monogamy. Monogamy is rare in primates anyway, humans tell themselves all kinds of lies about that but they are nothing but illusion.

rvby

I agree with you wholeheartedly, however, I think unless it's an agreed type of relationship between the two parties, then it's totally unacceptable.
me and dh have an open relationship, we haven't used it at all.
We are both realistic enough to know you can't always promise monogamy and it can put a strain on a relationship.

Anyway in our 50's and it sort of keeps us on our toes to know that we may fancy other people.

@rvby, that only works though if you are honest with each other. Whilst I agree with lots of what you say, I think an expectation of monogamy is fair if that’s what you’ve been led to believe is the situation.

In case it wasn't clear from my initial post, I'll restate that ethically, of course I agree that you need to discuss these things and agree to how you will practice monogamy before you go off to dip your wick.

OP is implying in her post that she wants to forgive her dh.

I am telling her that she should feel free to do that, but his actions have shown he struggles to say out loud what his actions show - that he doesn't want to be monogamous. So she needs to accept that as part of the marriage, or walk away.

Or drive herself mad etc.

I just take issue with folk judging the op for considering continuing the marriage because "most women would rather sell their souls than share their man". That's a shit, misogynist thing to say to op in the context of her post. Monogamy is hard and it's not compulsory. Yes it's currently considered the ideal but ideals don't work in relationships.

OP, I've read this thread and being completely honest, it looks almost like you're looking for someone to tell you that it's going to be OK. From what you're saying the daughter probably isn't his - but I do think you are very defensive about the extent of his involvement with them. It's a bit odd going from occasional nights in a hotel to being on holiday with the OW and her daughter - albeit only for a couple of nights tacked onto the end of a business trip.

Right now, he's being nice because he doesn't know which way this is going to go. He's feeling guilty and feels as if he has to woo you to not pack the marriage in. But, having led a double life for 13 years I sincerely doubt he is going to be able to quit the excitement and thrills that gave him.

My darling departed dad was a serial philanderer. Lovely parent but terrible husband. He loved his long-term partners dearly but couldn't quit the excitement that affairs gave him. He wouldn't have left relationships willingly either.....but also wanted to have his cake and eat it. Your partner sounds like the same type of man.

If you really want an example of where it worked - look at Tom Jones and his wife. She turned a blind eye over the years because she knew that Tom loved her the most, and the others were just fun. If you're happy with that kind of set-up, there's no need to leave him. You need to decide what kind of relationship you want. Whatever you decide is fine, but I think it would be dangerous to try and convince yourself that he's going to keep it in his pants for the rest of your marriage.

It's obvious you're still angry with him, but conflicted as you're enjoying these "nice times" with him. What do YOU want to do? Can you actually forgive him or not? Are you happy to turn a blind eye to potential philandering so you have the comfort of a good life? There's no wrong answer by the way, but you need to be clear in your own mind.

@rvby I didn't misinterpret your comment though did I? I'm not attacking you, if anything I admire you, it's something I could never do....because it would hurt me to have to share someone I love. I don't think it's wrong if that's how you choose to conduct your relationship. I believe it's the deceit itself that causes the worst pain.

I also don't believe that what a man thinks of a woman should be a measure of her self worth. I do think that I deserve a partner that is faithful to me as I am to him though.

Has ANYBODY had a more positive outcome? I know some try and succeed, it’s very easy to jack it all in

I don't believe in automatically jacking things in OP. But the question for me here would be: what has he said about why things would be any different now? The 'I was ill' comment is pathetic - why would that stop because he got found out? What has he given as his reasons for wanting to save your marriage?

@rvby and my comment wasn't intended to make the OP feel shit. She didn't have the choice to share her man! I was meaning to express that I'm not alone in not wanting to share a partner....and it's nothing to do with self worth. I know my worth as a human, friend, mother etc without at man but I don't want to share.

Interesting points raised, and no I don’t just value myself through the worth my husband puts on me? And of course I’m fully aware we are undergoing a new honeymoon period and that it may end? I don’t mean to be defensive about how much time he spent with her, but he is and has been home EVERY weekend and was only away 2-3 nights a week if he needed to be.i am still trying to work out if I should or could forgive him but even with counselling( which we both did together for weeks) the answer can only come from me, and that’s where I’m stuck at now. I gave him my wedding ring back straight away as that “ contract” has been well and truly broken.He is quite a reserved person and never talks about his feelings even now, but gets upset if I get upset, even if it’s just that I’m not getting to sleep and sighing... he knows exactly what’s going through my mind.He has known about the OW for decades. I’m tying to catch up now

The real problem here OP is that given what an accomplished liar your 'D'H is you'll never be able to trust him again. He's played a part for the past 13 years of the attentive DH. When he's away he's always in touch, he's never spent a weekend away, you only suspected once in that whole time, he denied it and you believed him. How on earth can you contemplate staying with someone who had an affair for 13 years of your marriage???? This man doesn't love you, he's treated you with contempt this whole time and there you are weighing up whether you should stay with him! Have some self respect FGS!

You've been married ages and you gave up your career to care for your DC, so a judge is liable to look favourably at you from that POV when it comes to your divorce settlement. It's good that you've got legal advice, but please don't stay with this guy. For the rest of your life you'll be wondering where he is every time he drives away from your house, because you know now what a liar and a cheat he is and leopards don't change their spots. He may be done with this woman, who knows, but I guarantee he'll be straying again before long. He won't be able to help himself. He clearly loves the excitement of living a double life. No one cheats on their wife for 13 years unless they get a kick out of the creeping around and secret meetings. You can't trust him and without that your marriage is a sham.

You asked this question: are you suggesting she turns a blind eye in return for financial security?

The fact you asked that question implies that you thought that I was advising the op to "turn a blind eye". Which is the actual opposite of what I suggested.

I suggested that she open her currently blind eye, see that this man isn't monogamous and doesn't want to be, and decide whether she still wanted to stay with him (be it for financial, social, etc. reasons, any reason).

I also suggested that if she decided that she still did want to stay with him, despite her eyes now being open, that there was nothing wrong with that.

The second part of your post - 😱 Most women I know would rather sell their soul than share a partner - implies strongly that you disagree, that there would be something wrong with that, in your opinion. I find that misogynist. OP is allowed to choose to stay with someone if she wants to. She might be ready to change the terms of her marriage, and that is ok. It's also ok not to.

You didn't understand me, your question clearly shows that you didn't. That is fine, no problem and I've explained myself, but I find your subsequent posts a bit disingenuous

What has he said. That he loves me and wants to be with me , for us to retire together as we share numerous hobbies, he says how sorry he is and can’t understand how/ why he did it. He wants us to carry on travelling together... He has said he will show me every day until I believe him, Just how much i mean to him. No comments needed on that, I’ve done the” how could you have done that “ card so many times now.

My husbands uncle had two children with a woman he was having an affair with for years and years. His wife or family never knew, I don't think she is aware now tbh. Hes paid thousands and thousands of pounds in maintenance over the years and she had no idea. Men who cheat for 13 years are very very clever at covering up their tracks

OP, I would look at Boris Johnson and Marina Wheeler's marriage as a template. Boris was very publicly unfaithful, fathering children left right and centre (with 3? or 4? different women). But they stayed together for about twenty years regardless.

If that is something that appeals to you, go for it. Marina Wheeler is independently wealthy, so obviously wasn't with Boris purely for financial reasons. It can be done. But as rvby says, you will have to accept that he absolutely will be shagging around. I would certainly expect him to continue seeing OW once the dust settles. I would certainly expect him to continue seeing OW once the dust settles.

The things you mention in your post above mine are complete bollocks, and I'm sure you know it - nobody has a thirteen year affair "without understanding how/why they did it". Any way, he's told you why he did it - because he could. That sort of attitude isn't one that changes overnight, no matter how much of it he conveniently "blanks" in couples counselling. He's a lying liar, and always will be. But if you can live with that and you think that everything else outweighs it, actually more women than you would think just set their expectations significantly lower and carry on.

I would make sure that your retirement plans are absolutely bomb-proof though - you do not want him to spend the next couple of years placating you whilst stealthily moving money around, and then ditching you out of the blue once he's ensured you won't get any money out of him. I've seen that happen more than once, and it wasn't pretty.

@rvby I understood exactly what you meant, I just don't understand how 'allowing' her husband to have sex with other women in favour of staying married to him can bring her happiness. In fact, I think it's slightly demeaning. It's like saying 'you can still have him, IF you share.' That to me is misogynistic. I don't disagree with open relationships where all involved are happy with the arrangement but I don't think it's a helpful solution for someone who's been cheated on for the last 13 years.