My husband had an on/ off affair for 13 years but wants to save our marriage

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I found out last may that my husband had been having an on/ off affair with somebody he met at work. He ended it immediately and we had counselling although he seems to blank many details out. We have had a great year all things considered but I am still conflicted, how many of you have experienced this and carried on to a better relationship? Things are so much better and I’m convinced he has had nothing to do with the OW, saying he feels like he was ill and is now cured.. Close family are shocked as he is usual perfect husband and father etc. I don’t want to waste more time but like many of you, I only work part ime having bought our 2 girls up, now both over 18 so worry about financial security and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried. Took advice from Sol and house is for sale, he knows at that point I have a choice but until then it’s as easy to keep the status quo? He is a charming man who I though adored me. Obviously not as much as I thought! When pushed by counsellor he said he did it because he could? He was about to have a little break with her and her 11 year old daughter when he was outed by my 18 yo daughter who found photos of her on his laptop. Hoping some of you have salvaged the relationship but if it all goes bad I’m hoping for some support on here, always reading it and amazed at our combined support and help , just renewed my username for obvious reasons!

If he was that ill he'd be dead by now! 13 years isn't an affair, it's a double life. Do the things he's "blanking out" include the paternity of that 11 year old child?

He could take money out as cashback when shopping, that doesnt show up on the bank statement, he could have part of his salary paid to another bank account. He could buy supermarket or other shop vouchers and just give that to her. There are plenty of ways and means.

He was about to go on holiday with both of them?

Yeah that child is his. You don't bring your mistress's kid on a fuckfest holiday. That was a FAMILY holiday.

You need not be poorer . The starting point is 50/50 but you must know this as you've already taken advice . How long have you been married ? You will get half at least of his pensions if you don't have the same value. Has he been living at home since May ? Have you resumed relations with him ?

Did you dd expose the affair, how did that work. Did your dd confront him with evidence, or tell you and you did.
Then he told you the mitigating circumstances where that he’s been Ill and was about to take a break from ow.
I think you’re probably still in shock and need time to process the loss. It’s difficult to go from being in what you feel was a happy marriage to finding out your dh has been effectively leading a double life for most of your marriage. It’s entirely upto you if you want to try and work on the marriage, but there’s nothing in your op to suggest the feeling is mutual on your dh s side, all that’s coming across is that he wants to maintain the status quo which has served him very well upto now.

That was a family holiday his other (18yo) daughter scuppered.

He's one of them-there blokes with two lives, op. The kind you see on telly, read about in Chat magazine etc.

You stay with this guy and you are a fool.

For goodness sake, the OP has said it’s not his child. Credit her with some intelligence. Repeating it multiple times still doesn’t make it fact. It’s incredibly easy to get a DNA test, and I’m sure the husband will have done so long since to ensure he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

My daughter showed me and I went straight downstairs and confronted him, I also asked him to get out which he eventually did... I was a bit hysterical! There are photos of the child with her father on the OW fb page( before she blocked me! ) I felt like I had to find out everything I could as soon as I found out, went through his papers, insisted on access to email, phones , laptops etc which he did. I might go for some more counselling to try work out what my best option is. I’m mid 50’s and have seen first hand how things nearly always end up and I have a great lifestyle at the moment. I have spoken with the top divorce Sol in the area and don’t expect much hassle if I go ahead with it. He offered to stay a few weeks with his parents last year but I didn’t want to trust him! We have been away numerous times and he has treated me like he did in the early years. Not that there were many years before he derailed it.

Intelligent maybe. Blinkered to 13 years of an affair.
A dc a real possibility....
Many people pass off a dc as someone else's.

I'm sorry op but the likely hood is the child is hes the relationship is 13 years old and shes 11. Why ould he be interested in going away on holiday with his mistress and her child?

There are photos of the child with her father on the OW fb page

"There are photos of the child with the man blinkered into believing he's the father"

There. I fixed it.

and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried

Being on your own is a thousand times better than remaining with a lying, cheating arsehole.

I hope you've kicked him out while you decide what you want to do. I don't know how you can bear the sight of him, let alone contemplate remaining married to him.

How badly would you be financially if you divorced?
I'd struggle to stay with someone who had been so deceitful for so long unless the alternative was beans on toast for the next 40 years.

I suppose I can’t blame those who see it black and white from the few lines I have written but obviously this situation has been ongoing for16 months and I’m sure I would be giving similar advice based on the few scant details provided. Has ANYBODY had a more positive outcome? I know some try and succeed, it’s very easy to jack it all in, I asked him years ago if he was seeing somebody and he flatly denied it... he’s a bloody convincing liar, also a worry for the future.if he had admitted it back then(10years ago) I may have reacted differently. We have moved around with jobs so for quite a few years they would have had a 200 mile commute so I can believe that it was sporadic. Still inexcusable.

I'm sorry, but if he had a relationship with another woman for 13 years there is no way he has just dropped her because you found out. 13 years is not for a casual fuck, there are feelings involved for sure. I imagine 95% he is still in contact with her, people in that situation always find a way.

It lasted 13 years and would have probably have lasted forever if your daughter hadn't found them out. He is the expert in lying and cheating behaviour. I think you're deluded if you think you can cope with it all to keep your nice lifestyle.

I feel sorry for you and wish you luck as I don't think this will have a happy ending.

Much as you might want to.
I don't think you are going to find many women on here who will tell you that they saved a relationship which had encountered that level of betrayal tbh.

TBH that’s partly why I posted on here, although everybody’s relationship is totally as unique as the people that are in it. There are no “ one size fits all” solutions. I have given myself time to luck the wounds and start to toughen up, seeing the solicitor made me feel SOOO much better, anybody in this situation should make it the first thing they do

OP fwiw my MIL found out similar about FIL - a 30+ year affair/relationship. They're still together but it is uncomfortable being in the house with both of them, there's just too much going on there and they hate each other.

OP, right now, you are not going to be able to make any decision based on "rational" thought. Or even based on "correct" information.

My dh had affairs for 2 years. We "made it through", but it's complicated. The relationship I thought we had was killed dead, never to return, the day I found out for sure. That man I thought I knew was also a lie.

He did everything he could to make amends. Everything. But, there is no way I will ever know for sure if he remains faithful. They are VERY SKILLED LIARS. Experts. You will never ever know for sure - can you live with that? Can he live without his other girlfriend? ALso, OW SAYS the daughter is the other man's - without a DNA test, none of you know for sure.

You really need all the information before you make that decision.
The only fact you have now is that your husband is a liar, so you really can't believe anything he says. Is the child his?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, best wishes for the future.

If it were his he would
A have to pay a considerable amount of maintenance

B OW would have gloated all over that! She texted me saying I should have loved him more... stupid cow, she knew nothing about our home life !
The child is NOT his- sorry folks!

As everyone else is saying, this wasn't an affair. It was a double life. And even if the 11 year old isn't his, he has been in her life as a significant figure for her whole life. And now he's just left with no thought. It's all very odd and unlikely that he will not resume the relationship. I'm sorry.

Hi OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, your 'd'h does not deserve another chance with you. You deserve to be happy and if you make another go of your relationship you will always have doubts. This wasn't a fling or a short lived affair this was a whole other life with another woman. Sell up and start again, you will be just fine.

You obviously already made up your mind your never going to leave him because your "afraid of being alone and financially unstable " then just put up with it. Once a cheat always a cheat. He was never going to confess to you if your daughter hadn't found out and that relationship with the OW wouldve continued. Hes lied to you for 13 years and you still believe that little "I was ill" lie. 🤦‍♀️ women. I dont understand us at all. He has everything to loose which is why hes trying but once you settle watch him turn around and continue to mess around since he said so proudly "he did it cus he can" his actions speaks louder than words and he has shown you the type of man he is. Nobody here in this forum can advice you because obviously you still want to make it work and if that's how you want then go for it but do expect to get hurt again. We can all give advice but it's worth it only if you listen to it.