My husband had an on/ off affair for 13 years but wants to save our marriage

[Willhistoryrepeat]

I found out last may that my husband had been having an on/ off affair with somebody he met at work. He ended it immediately and we had counselling although he seems to blank many details out. We have had a great year all things considered but I am still conflicted, how many of you have experienced this and carried on to a better relationship? Things are so much better and I’m convinced he has had nothing to do with the OW, saying he feels like he was ill and is now cured.. Close family are shocked as he is usual perfect husband and father etc. I don’t want to waste more time but like many of you, I only work part ime having bought our 2 girls up, now both over 18 so worry about financial security and the old “ being on your own” scenario that gets everybody worried. Took advice from Sol and house is for sale, he knows at that point I have a choice but until then it’s as easy to keep the status quo? He is a charming man who I though adored me. Obviously not as much as I thought! When pushed by counsellor he said he did it because he could? He was about to have a little break with her and her 11 year old daughter when he was outed by my 18 yo daughter who found photos of her on his laptop. Hoping some of you have salvaged the relationship but if it all goes bad I’m hoping for some support on here, always reading it and amazed at our combined support and help , just renewed my username for obvious reasons!

So your daughter is learning that a partner can cheat for 13 years and be forgiven. How is that a good lesson?

They met odd nights at hotels so he has not “ been there”? Like most single parents she probably didn’t take partners home ....

If that was the case OP, he’d be unlikely to be going on a family holiday with the child. It’s very likely he’s met the child often.
It was a full-on 13 year relationship. How he managed this I can only wonder. He would have continued it too had he not been outed. What does that tell you op.

I can hear how badly you want people to tell you it’ll be ok. You can forgive. It can make your relationship stronger. I’m so sorry, I don’t believe any of this would be true for your situation.
I sincerely hope if you do stay you manage to prove me wrong, I wouldn’t wish what you’ve been through/are going through on anyone.

This is devastating OP but you've had a good amount of time to come to terms with what has happened.

It all really boils down to a couple of things. Will you be able to trust him again and if not, how will/does that impact on your life?

My partner had 2 affairs that lasted around 18 months. I'm now in the same position as you in that I've organised all of the finances etc so that if I leave, things will be ok for me (financially). So now in my mind I know that if I choose to stay then I am doing so because it is the best thing for me, not because I feel like I have to or because the other options all suck.

I can't really add much more other than to say that people online can't really advise about these things, friends can't really help either, it's all about how you feel inside and how you are affected by the different options ahead of you.

Everyone has told me to leave my relationship as it is also abusive but deep down I know that I don't want that. I may still end up leaving but not before I try and overcome the insecurities that I now have and trying to build up enough trust so that it isn't a constant worry that I'm being betrayed.

I'm sure like me you kind of accept that you will never feel the same way again but with me that wasn't enough to walk away.

Good luck working out what is right for you, don't let anyone tell you that you are not making the right decision.

I doubt during the last 13 years his other partner would be happy with a hotel room, every now and then.
I'm wondering whether you are really this naive or whether he's done /is doing a number on you.
She's hardly a single parent she is sharing your husband, that's not single.
Although, if this is really the case, and pigs might fly, have you had an sti check as she could be sleeping with any number of men.

I’m mid 50’s and have seen first hand how things nearly always end up and I have a great lifestyle at the moment

I live in Mexico and a lot of that stuff happens. It's called the "small house". My MIL knew her husband had been unfaithful and suspected another family but never found the proof. The resentment she felt was tangible and then she had over fifteen years of looking after him as his health deteriorated.

I'm glad you have a great lifestyle, OP, and this is purely your decision, but do not you still love this man enough to cheerfully look after him if he goes into a long-term decline in health?

OP, let me start by saying I have a fairly liberal attitude towards monogamy.

My reading of your posts is as follows.

• Your husband struggles to be monogamous. There is no way around this. He hasn't had an affair - he has had a double life.
• He doesn't have the ethical backbone to talk that through with you and come to a realistic compromise.
• He will lie again and again in order to meet his preference for non-monogamy.
• He suspects you have a comfortable enough lifestyle that you will look the other way.
• I suspect he is right.

And that is ok. The thing you have to contend with is that other people, especially women, will think you are crazy for it.

There will be a constant assault on your self esteem because every cultural message out there says that if a woman "shares her man" with another woman, it means she is somehow faulty or not good enough. As if the undivided attention of a man is the #1 indication of a woman's worth. Etc. That's just our culture and it can't be helped.

If you are willing to allow your husband to not be faithful to you, and to withstand the judgement you'll get for that, then of course the financial and social stability of staying in the marriage is more than enough reason to continue the relationship.

If you want the undivided attention thing though, then you need to look elsewhere.

All the best x

Like others have said hes not been having an on/ff affair for 13 years hes has been living a whole separate life and he is playing it down. He was about to go on holiday with her and her child, obviously he is comfortable with the child, else they wouldnt be holiday-ing together. How very cosy and how very shit for you. 13 years!

I think you are still in shock. Find your anger.

Make sure his will is ironclad and none of it is going to the mistress or her children.

They met odd nights at hotels

You keep minimising his relationship with her & her child.

I think the daughter probably is another mans,as I think you are right - she would have gloated about that if she was your DH’s.

But THEY were going on holiday together - there’s MUCH more to their relationship than the ‘odd night in a hotel’ he’s spent time with them doing family stuff. He CHOSE to be part of their family Days he could have spent with his DD, he spent with her DD Don’t underestimate what your DD is also going through, knowing her Dad chose this kid over her, many times over the years

I’d sooner live in a smaller house and whatever else, than live this shell of a life you’ll be living with a man who doesn’t care about you or love you

Yes people stay together, but at a huge cost to their self esteeem and happiness

Is a bigger house realky more important tonyou than your emotional well being?

Sorry you have been going through this. Just curious where the money for the holiday was going to come from. Was she paying? Or has he been hiding finances from you?

I suppose I should have said earlier that the holiday was basically 2 days tacked onto the end of dh business trip to Brussels? It was paid for by her too, but yes, I agree , totally crap and I was hurt by it- he has never been away from home fri- Monday I just need to keep everything on an even keel until the house is sold, it should be sold this side of Xmas , so I can sort out what I want to do then.

13 years isn't an affair, it's a relationship. I would walk away. You deserve to be with an honest person Op.

Like most single parents she probably didn’t take partners home

She's not been a single parent though really has she? He knows the daughter/the daughter knows him well enough to be going on weekends away with them both.

You won't find many who have survived the same because, to be frank, not many people would want to keep a relationship like that. His 'fling' lasted longer than I've even known my DH.

Well it all depends what you want for yourself really. I'd be off like a greyhound after a hare but then again I'm financially independent and own my own home.
It could be financial security is more important to you than his affair, a lot of people feel that way including my own mother. She's turned a blind eye for years because she has a very comfortable life indeed.
If you are not financially secure without him i can imagine going it alone is a very scary prospect but really only you can decide.
13 years though. Thats a lot of lies.
I expect if you split up he'd make a new life with her and be very comfortable and you would have the harder end of the deal.

I don’t have quite such a liberal attitude to monogamy as @rvby, but I do tend to think that a lot of what she says makes sense.

Why should a woman lose everything just because her husband can’t keep his dick in his pants? More to the point, why should she be the one made to feel like a failure and a pathetic weakling just because she doesn’t want to.

texted me photos of roses and cards the soppy twat had sent her

Soppy twat? OP, you seem to be viewing him as a naughty child rather than a man who has betrayed you for the best part of your life together. 🤷‍♀️

I suppose I could call him a C* and other similar adjectives but I really can’t summon up the passion for that at the moment. I can see how people are judging this , but I’m doing this My way in My timescale so I can wrestle back some control. Revenge is a dish best served Cold? When I decide and tell him to his face how it’s going to go down I shall relish it.

Your options

Stay with him - have financial security and keep your good lifestyle. Downside is that you will probably second guess him for the rest of your time together and probably never trust him again. You may possibly be miserable increasingly.

Leave him - take him to the cleaners, fight for everything you are entitled to and live within your means. You may then actually meet a real man that will cherish you and show you the way you should have been treated all along (loved, respected etc.) Downside is you won't have money to splash about as you do now, you may come to regret splitting with the 'what if's' in rose tinted land and you may become lonely.

I know which option I'd take. You are only here once and not for very long.

So op- if the 11 year old is not his. Who is her father? Go and ask him! Jees you really have gone into ostrich mode!

I know of someone who has in the past behaved like your DH, His wife took him back (twice).
All seemed to be on course for them spending thier retirement together, when he met yet another woman, so divorced his wife.
He has just re-married, he explained to myself and DH that if his relationship with his1st wife had "fullfilled" him he would have never strayed and had such long affairs with other women.
Think hard OP, nothing is set in stone, his past behaviour cannot fill you with confidence, do you want your future filled with uncertainty??

13 years isn't an affair. It's a double life!

Like the tv programme Bliss.

Run while you can. You say you’re in your 50s. Why stay with him. Do you think he deserves to have you looking after him in his old age?

Agree with rvby even though I have no desire to share a man. Would you open up your relationship and keep the financial benefits?

Why do you think so little of yourself?

This relationship is awful, can’t think of why you would stay.