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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m having an affair

111 replies

poppy5010 · 24/09/2019 23:17

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, l hope you won’t judge me to harshly, I’m new to this & tbh very nervous, just looking for some open & honest advice.

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for a number of years to a loving husband, but one who can’t love me the way I want & we have 2 children together.

A year ago I met a man on a girls night out & we exchanged numbers because of a common interest, it wasn’t long before we realised we had so much more in common as he was also married with children & also without intimacy.

We started to text a lot & got on so well, same soh, liked the same films, books & music, it seemed like fate that we met, we started meeting for coffee & then eventually one thing led to another. The physical & mental connection is like one if never experienced before & v addictive.

I would say within 6 months we were madly in love with each other, talked & texted everyday, I knew what we were doing was wrong & did feel bad but was just totally blindsided by this man, he made me feel sexy, happy & alive again.

A while ago, I left my husband to be with this man, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to commit & leave his family so I ended up going back, which is where I am now, with him currently unaware I’m still seeing this man.

I’ve tried several real times to break this relationship off because I know it’s not right, but the obsession I have with him is hard to give up.

I have said unless he can & do the right thing & leave, I won’t see him, but he just keeps telling me, he needs more time & the timing isn’t right, am I crazy?, I believe love can conquer all & if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless, an affair without any ending is surely pointless, am I asking too much?

OP posts:
Yestermo · 24/09/2019 23:20

Let your husband be free.

readitandwept · 24/09/2019 23:22

Leave your husband. You don't love him.

firsttimemum30 · 24/09/2019 23:36

I agree that you should leave your husband as stringing him along isn't fair. But also what are you actually getting out of this other relationship? Are you happy to always be second best to his wife? Because it honestly doesn't sou like he's leaving her anytime soon.

blaaake · 24/09/2019 23:36

He's not going to leave his wife, and to be honest I doubt he's even in a 'sexless' marriage.

On the other hand, your husband deserves better than to be in a marriage where his wife doesn't love him.

cheeseislife8 · 24/09/2019 23:41

I agree that whatever does or doesn't happen with this man, your marriage is clearly over.

However... he'll 'leave her when the timing is right' as a well worn cliche unfortunately

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 23:42

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

Well try a bit harder, he deserves better than you.

Walnutwhipster · 24/09/2019 23:42

You don't love your husband, you need to release him but I hope you realise your OM has already shown you his intentions.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 23:44

missed the bit where you left your dh for him.
he's not going to leave his wife, you'll always be the ow unless you want to end her misery and tell her what you are both doing.

MrsRufusdog789 · 24/09/2019 23:46

Sorry to say this but the OM has fallen out of love with you as quickly as he fell in . Don't waste any more time on the OM . Be fair to your husband . He knows about the OM ? If not how did you explain your absence - who looked after your children ?

Original poster
poppy5010 · 24/09/2019 23:47

I do love my husband, just not in love with him, when I tried to do the right & leave he made things v difficult for me financially, he’s quite controlling, the married man makes me happy & desired, I’m also scared of being on my own, sorry I know this must sound so selfish, apparently 97% of affairs never go anywhere, why can’t I just let go?

OP posts:
toffeepinklady · 24/09/2019 23:48

Totally serves you right that after you left your husband, the OM wouldn't leave his wife. Leave your husband and let him find some happiness.

LyraParry · 24/09/2019 23:49

End your marriage and take some time to be alone. You don't love your husband so won't be happy with him, and your affair partner doesn't love you. Being single for a while is the only realistic way out of this situation.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 23:49

I've finally got it, Grin

Leave your husband so he can find someone who deserves him.
Find a man who isn't already married because it's degrading being the ow, do you not feel skanky? Think of the risk of sti's when he does leave his wife and cheats on you.
Have you no boundaries?

CannonCaboodle · 24/09/2019 23:49

The words "grow the fuck up" come to mind.

No, OP. You're not special. He's not special This affair is not special. The love you have for one another is not unique, and will not stand the test of time. You are two people finding escape in one another. The difference is he probably still believes in his wedding vows on some level, whilst you don't. Have fun with your pathetic affair, but at least have the courtesy to leave your husband properly first.

BeneathTheMist · 24/09/2019 23:50

You will regret what you are doing one day OP. Give the man up, and concentrate on moving on from husband. Sort your life out and think of your kids. OM is not ready to commit. Leave him well alone.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 23:50

OMG, you have kids Shock

LyraParry · 24/09/2019 23:50

If you loved your husband you simply couldn't do this to him. You can't move on until you realise that it simply isn't real love if you treat someone so badly.

Original poster
poppy5010 · 24/09/2019 23:52

My husband moved out the house when we separated & also started dating, but he wasn’t interested in starting over again, maybe I should really try again with him, even if it’s a marriage without sex

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 24/09/2019 23:53

I do love my husband, just not in love with him.

You're such a cliche. Grow up.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 23:58

Sorry, but your kids deserve better than you, what a poor excuse you are. Grow up ffs.
Tell your husband, if he's so controlling why did you go back to him, it can't be great for your kids.
But of course you aren't thinking of them, you are thinking about a married man who won't leave his wife.

Original poster
poppy5010 · 25/09/2019 00:02

Thank you for your comments, I needed a harsh reality check, been in a bubble for too long

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 25/09/2019 00:02

I agree with LyraParry. Your marriage is over. You’re not able to start loving your husband in an appropriate, meaningful way. The man you are having an affair with does not love you enough to leave his wife. The other man is an addiction. Stop thinking of it as love. It’s an addiction. An unhealthy one. It’s not easy to get over addiction so you’ll have to be patient with yourself. You are not choosing between a loving husband and this man because neither of those choices are actually available. You’re on a hiding to nothing.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 00:05

Well done OP, get rid of the married man and your husband.
Spend some time single and concentrate on your kids, I bet you'll meet someone nice in time.

justilou1 · 25/09/2019 00:08

Does your husband love you? Is your marriage sexless because you don’t love him?

Original poster
poppy5010 · 25/09/2019 00:09

Yes I do need to be a better parent to my children & concentrate on the good things I have in my life, I’ve just got so lost, they say you can’t be truly happy until your happy with yourself, maybe that’s why I looked for it elsewhere

OP posts: