I’m having an affair

[poppy5010]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, l hope you won’t judge me to harshly, I’m new to this & tbh very nervous, just looking for some open & honest advice.

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for a number of years to a loving husband, but one who can’t love me the way I want & we have 2 children together.

A year ago I met a man on a girls night out & we exchanged numbers because of a common interest, it wasn’t long before we realised we had so much more in common as he was also married with children & also without intimacy.

We started to text a lot & got on so well, same soh, liked the same films, books & music, it seemed like fate that we met, we started meeting for coffee & then eventually one thing led to another. The physical & mental connection is like one if never experienced before & v addictive.

I would say within 6 months we were madly in love with each other, talked & texted everyday, I knew what we were doing was wrong & did feel bad but was just totally blindsided by this man, he made me feel sexy, happy & alive again.

A while ago, I left my husband to be with this man, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to commit & leave his family so I ended up going back, which is where I am now, with him currently unaware I’m still seeing this man.

I’ve tried several real times to break this relationship off because I know it’s not right, but the obsession I have with him is hard to give up.

I have said unless he can & do the right thing & leave, I won’t see him, but he just keeps telling me, he needs more time & the timing isn’t right, am I crazy?, I believe love can conquer all & if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless, an affair without any ending is surely pointless, am I asking too much?

The reality is that you are in love with the OM, but he just sees you as a bit on the side. He will never leave his DW and DCs. You don’t really care about either your DH or the OMs DW, and come across as an unpleasant person, but hey crack on; at least you’re happy which is the main thing in your self obsessed little bubble.

Oh, and I love the way you say how lovely your DH is in your opening post, then start drip feeding that he is controlling. Typically trying to find an excuse to justify what you’re doing. A bit like when a man having an affair tells everyone his DW has made him unhappy for a while, just to make himself sound like the victim.

Then just leave both bastards. Honestly you have a choice!! Like what's the point of being married if you both want don't want to work at it. It's like being cut a thousand deaths. You don't have to do this to yourself.

One of my best friends has 4 kids. Married to the COO of one of the biggest banks in the world. Never needed to work. She works the home instead. She had an affair. He dumped her. He wasn't that great in bed and whatever to it. At the end of the day sometimes love just dies. The only thing they both regretted was the way it ended. Except she's had to go back to work which she didn't want to do and he's had to downsize and share his finances from divorces which he didn't want to do. But it worked out in the end. They both have new partners. Both are happier.

Some of these replies are vile. OP hasn't committed murder FFS. No one is perfect and in the real world, shit happens. I think there is a statistic something like 40% of people cheat. With that statistic many must be on MN but its only the perfect, holier than thou ones that ever replies to these threads.

I've PM'd you OP.

Indeed. You know, saying OP is a shit parent on a site "for mums by mums" is absolutely fine. Having an affair? String her up eh?!

I'm having an affair, and while it's tempting to think of happy ever after, we both know you have to leave for yourself.

You can't expect it will work out, you can't leave thinking you will go into the new relationship. You have to think would I want to leave and be single and know I'd still be happier than in my marriage.

Your AP has shown he's not prepared to leave. Believe his actions, not his words.

I fell in love with another man whilst I was married. I didn't have children so slightly less complicated but despite our best intentions it is true we can't help who we fall in love with, but we can help how we deal with it.
The OM fell in love with me too, but I knew I had to make the decision about my marriage without him.
I very quickly left my husband, before I knew what OM had decided about his relationship. Regardless of what would happen, I'd fallen in love with someone else. My marriage was over so I left.
That's the choice you have to make OP and I think you know it. Don't look at it as a choice between 2 men. It is a choice based on whether your current marriage is right for you.
In my case I've been happily married to OM now for over a decade and we have a beautiful family together.
It was not an ideal start to our relationship, but it's naive to think these things can't happen. What you do have to do though is deal with it with respect for the person you married. It isn't fair to make him your back up choice

Your poor husband.
His poor wife.

If this man REALLY loved you and only wanted you.. he would leave his wife.
Especially him knowing you had left your husband!!

The man is keeping you there and keeping his wife and family.

@Roozy123 not necessarily. AP might appear to love you, leave wife and family and then be up to his tricks. It might take a while but it will happen

Been there... if theres any love left, try repairing ur marriage. If u are clear he is not for you really.... set him free... a lot of us need to find something else to finally realise what we had is not love. Now, knowing that.... a married man doenst often leave his family no matter how much he says his marriage is broken, dead and sexless. So dont be making any decisions based on any relationship u have with the other guy. More times than not they sweet talk u ( they may even mean it) but they will never leave their wives and kids for u. Dont let urself be fooled. Treat it as two different situations. Do u want to stop tryin with ur husband knowing u may well end up being alone? If not.... u need to stop seeing the other person. If u are.... good on u, let him know and continue to pursue the other man ,but know its probably not gonna last. He has already told u he is not ready (he is never gonna be love, sorry) so go ahead in ur decisions countin urself as single.

So the messages I’m getting here loud & clear is to leave my husband & that the OM will never leave his wife, I have a lot to think about

Leave your husband and leave the other man too!
Your husband does not deserve this and the other man will never leave his wife. It’s time to spend some time alone and figure out what you want

Leave your husband, he's a shit husband for enforcing celibacy onto you and not trying to do anything about it.

Leave the other man as he's a lying git who is probably still sleeping with his wife.

Affairs are wrong, but if they're the result of celibacy being foisted on someone then I can perfectly understand how they happen. It's awful to think that your partner would happily never have sex again and that part of your life is over. It's just cruel.

Block and delete if you mean it.

An ex partner of mine who had an affair admitted telling the OW that our relationship was doomed, no communication/sex etc, it was bullshit, all part of the deception. She was older than him and he also said he went along with it as he could sense her desperation (grim I know). She thought he mad madly in love with her. Funnily enough, he cut contact with her as soon as I left, said he's have never have chosen to be with her, even if he was single. I suppose my reason for writing this is that you really can't trust what he's saying to you. You probably mean nothing to him.

Those who say 'You can't choose who you fall in love with' are talking crap. It's not as simple as that. I love and respect my partner so I wouldn't put myself in a situation where it could cross the line. You only fall in love if you allow yourself too. Don't respond to inappropriate behaviour, have some morals and you will be able to control who you allow yourself to fall in love with.

Ye gods it's all a bit mills and boon isn't it? Even your language makes it sound as though it's all out of your control - awakening your sexual side, madly in love, totally blindsided etc.

Grow up, he's not that into you, he won't leave his wife, and is having the best of all worlds.

You will never mean anything to this OM. Ever. You are essentially a sex toy he uses to boost his ego, then he goes home to his wife and kids and pretends you don't exist.
Your husband, whether he's a lovely guy or a twat, deserves your honesty.
If you want to make it work with him, tell him the truth and let him decide. If you don't, well tell him the truth and summarise with "I don't want to be with you anymore".
Anything else is selfish and cowardly

If I were you i would leave DH. You do not want to be there. Yes it is hard if he is controlling but this really should be your main focus.

The next thing would be to give OM a deadline. And. Mean. It. Say 3 months and block on everything. EVERYTHING. Live your life as he isn't going to leave and start moving on.

This is good advice except I'd advise just ending it no deadline. By all means tell him he can get in touch if he's ever single and, if you're still single and interested, you can date and see where it goes.

Read your post through. It’s screaming out the classic reasons entwined with affairs. I agree you should leave your husband and let him be free.
The other guy isn’t ‘ready’ to leave his wife yet he’s clearly ready to embark on an affair. Having an affair is taking a risk. What on earth does he think the risk is? Clearly the risk is losing his wife.
All men & women embarking in affairs claim they have a sexless marriage & ‘my partner doesn’t understand me like you do’

It’s easy to love something/someone without the day to day life poking at it.

@poppy5010

There is a website called loveshack.org

The forum on there for people in or coming out if affairs may help you.
There are many many stories just like yours, sadly everyone thought they were special and everyone thought their affair was different.
Mostly they are not

So the messages I’m getting here loud & clear is to leave my husband & that the OM will never leave his wife, I have a lot to think about

You really don’t have a lot to think about. You’re being used as a fuck whilst cheating on your DH. What is there to think about?

I read my exh's emails to his OW. He told her first that we didn't have sex any more. Then, when he wanted to complain about how I kept pestering him for sex after he was sated from being with her, he told her that I "must have noticed a difference" and had thus unexpectedly started asking for sex again. Needless to say, our sex life had not changed at all during that time.
Other lies he told her included that I was planning to move back to my home country (news to me) and, the big one, that I had refused to have a third child, which was his greatest dream. In fact, we couldn't afford a third child. But OW wanted a child, so he told her he wanted one too, with her. After I found out what was going on, they stayed together 3 more years before she dumped him. I presume she had worked out that he did not want a child.
I doubt my exh was following any sort of evil plan; he was just coming up with this stuff off the cuff and probably believed it himself in the heat of the moment.

After we broke up, I had a fling with a real sweet-talker. It was amazing after the nasty end to my marriage - someone being super-loving after all that hate. He didn't live in the same town, so we couldn't see each other all the time - made the moments we had even more fun. After a while I realised he was probably seeing other women, and ended it; but from that encounter (immediately after a horrible time, and a bit of "star-crossed lovers" thrown in) I can see why an affair must feel especially meaningful and exciting. Looking back now, though: it wasn't real. I've met him since, he's constantly madly in love with some new woman.

Don't only stay with your husband because this other bloke doesn't want you and you can't be arsed to go it alone.

*Affairs are rarely black and white.

There should be a little bell that rings everyone someone posts this on a thread about a woman * Like all the other cliche’s that appear on these threads you mean? “I feel sorry for your husband/you’re a despicable person/I hope your children grow up to hate you one day/clearly you have no consideration for anyone or anything else but your fanny,” that sort of thing?

Literally no-one has said that being in a bad marriage justifies having an affair. But often it does explain it. Anyone who genuinely believes that all affairs only happen purely because the one having the affair fancies a quick shag on the side is incredibly naive. Of course there are those types. But that doesn’t mean they all are. In fact I would go so far as to say that there will be posters on this very site whose partners have cheated where their own conduct within the relationship has been less than exemplary.

But bizarrely it doesn’t matter what has gone before, as soon as someone has an affair everything else the other partner has done is wiped out. A woman could post here that her husband beats the shit out of her every night but that she was now having an affair and the response would be “your poor husband. He deserves better.”

there is no question that an affair is wrong, or that it isn’t the answer to a bad marriage. But given many affairs come about due to lack of self esteem it’s hardly going to make any difference if everyone tells the person what a despicable vile human being they are and the only validation that they’re getting for being a decent person is from the person that everyone else thinks they should leave.

FFS, the woman hasn’t committed a murder.

Leave your husband and the other guy is using you why you can`t see that is beyond me.
He wants his cake and eat it.
If he loves you he would leave.
I think you need time alone and get your head together.