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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m having an affair

111 replies

poppy5010 · 24/09/2019 23:17

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, l hope you won’t judge me to harshly, I’m new to this & tbh very nervous, just looking for some open & honest advice.

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for a number of years to a loving husband, but one who can’t love me the way I want & we have 2 children together.

A year ago I met a man on a girls night out & we exchanged numbers because of a common interest, it wasn’t long before we realised we had so much more in common as he was also married with children & also without intimacy.

We started to text a lot & got on so well, same soh, liked the same films, books & music, it seemed like fate that we met, we started meeting for coffee & then eventually one thing led to another. The physical & mental connection is like one if never experienced before & v addictive.

I would say within 6 months we were madly in love with each other, talked & texted everyday, I knew what we were doing was wrong & did feel bad but was just totally blindsided by this man, he made me feel sexy, happy & alive again.

A while ago, I left my husband to be with this man, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to commit & leave his family so I ended up going back, which is where I am now, with him currently unaware I’m still seeing this man.

I’ve tried several real times to break this relationship off because I know it’s not right, but the obsession I have with him is hard to give up.

I have said unless he can & do the right thing & leave, I won’t see him, but he just keeps telling me, he needs more time & the timing isn’t right, am I crazy?, I believe love can conquer all & if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless, an affair without any ending is surely pointless, am I asking too much?

OP posts:

BeneathTheMist · 25/09/2019 00:10

oh and affair man cannot be trusted. He's done it with you. He WILL do it again.

morrisseysquif · 25/09/2019 00:10

You have had an easy go of it so far, for shagging another man while married with kids. Selfish nasty foul human being.

DO YOU NOT READ THE RELATIONSHIP BOARDS ON HERE?

What do you want, sympathy?????

You are selfish, without morals and don't care whose live you shit all over to get your kicks.

Hopefully, karma will come and shit all over you too.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 25/09/2019 00:11

Hi OP, I think some of the comments here have been a little harsh. My advice would be that you shouldn't be with either your husband or the other man as you're not in love with your husband but the other man obviously isnt in love with you. I dont say this to be harsh, it just seems like he wanted to have fun away from his marriage and when you tried to make it serious he wasnt interested.

If I were you I'd separate from your husband and focus on yourself and your kids, and then on finding a new partner layer down the line that you connect with and who loves you as much as you love them.

Original poster

poppy5010 · 25/09/2019 00:15

Yes I believe he does love me, but we haven’t been intimate in years, it’s just not important to him, l do have an addictive personality & in some respects think I may be also addicted to the married man, he feeds me what I want

OP posts:

Original poster

poppy5010 · 25/09/2019 00:17

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them

OP posts:

TLBftm · 25/09/2019 00:18

Aside from agreeing with most of the above comments... I think you are just craving attention and the feeling of being loved. I think a long chat with DH is needed, it’s your choice to tell him or not about the OM (i know what the right thing to do would be) but explain how you feel, about how the marriage is lost and what you would like from it... he probably feels pretty similar. I think you’ll both agree that you’ve lost your spark and then maybe you can both come up with ways to try regain it? I don’t think the OM means that much to you, you just think he does because of the attention he gives you. I suspect though if you do manage to regain the spark with DH, you will feel very guilty and not be able to live with what you’ve done to him once you feel that love for him again.... so on that note, maybe it’s just best to let him go instead? Tried not to include my judgement on what you’ve done as enough people have said it already, but honestly, you are just enjoying the feeling of being wanted again. Good luck OP

FreshwaterBay · 25/09/2019 00:19

Put your children first in whatever decisions you make. You will be glad of that one day. That means treating your husband with respect when you separate which is probable. Learn to respect yourself and that choices have consequences. Understand that a man that is capable of cheating on his wife is probably going to cheat on the other woman as well. That happens a lot. The grass always looks greener through rose-tinted spectacles.

BusyDoingNothingx · 25/09/2019 00:21

You don't love your husband and your affair doesn't love you, otherwise he would leave. Sounds like you were a bit of fun and as soon as it got serious he backed off a bit...
IMHO I don't see affair relationships working. I mean you both cheated to be where you are so what's to say you won't do it to each other again?

justilou1 · 25/09/2019 00:21

I think you are on dangerous ground if you know you have an addictive personality. Especially if you know you can’t ever have married man. You can’t “win” him. His attention is your drug. Very destructive and you know if either of you get caught, the consequences would be dire. That is addictive too - like an adrenaline sport. Have you thought about counselling for this? You need to find out where this stems from and unravel that part of yourself. Your marriage is dead. You know that. Can’t you find someone exciting who’s available to you?

VenusTiger · 25/09/2019 00:22

@poppy5010 the “timing was right” to have an affair though.... come on, you know he’s never going to leave his wife, as he’ll be leaving his kids too - that’s just how things usually go.

Be single and stop obsessing with a man who is clearly not obsessing with you back - if he really was in a sexless marriage, he’d have left her or tried to fix his marriage and be free and single himself.

If you believe in “love can conquer all” then stop seeing him and see what happens.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 25/09/2019 00:24

This story is as old as the hills. He just wants to have sex with you. He is still having sex with his wife as well and never intends to leave her.

Fookinwot · 25/09/2019 00:27

Oh you’re so brave OP and it’s totally not your fault and completely understandable said no one ever... clap......clap.......clap....this is a slow clap by the way......clap.....incase you didn’t realise.....clap.....clap 👍🏻

SherbetSaucer · 25/09/2019 00:31

Maybe I should really try again with him, even if it’s a marriage without sex

He deserves better than you!!!

NoCauseRebel · 25/09/2019 00:51

Ok, as much as name calling and judgemental responses may make some feel better, if this is real then the responses benefit nobody.

Affairs are rarely black and white. It doesn’t make them right but it also doesn’t mean that anyone who has an affair is a vile human being undeserving of any kind of human compassion.

OP, what you’re doing is wrong. Becoming involved with someone when you’re married is rarely going to end well. But this is a wake up call to do something about your marriage. As you’ve continued the affair for a year now it’s clear that your marriage as it was is over. An affair may have pushed you towards wanting to end your marriage, but it doesn’t have to be the reason you end your marriage.

You’ve left once before, you can do it again. But it shouldn’t be for this man. He’s already shown you that he’s not prepared to leave his marriage, and starting a new life together off the back of an affair is unlikely to work anyway.

If you genuinely love your husband and want your marriage to work because you can’t see yourselves apart then you need to talk to him, tell him where you’ve been at, and go to counselling to fix this. But you also need to be prepared for the fact that perhaps he won’t want to continue the marriage once he knows you’ve had an affair.

But if this has woken you up to the fact that you’re actually not in love with your husband then you need to end the marriage and start out again. And yes, this will have to be on your own, but not wanting to be isn’t a reason to stay.

As for the OM, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to leave his family. So regardless of whether he does or doesn’t love you, a relationship between you has no future. As you feel addicted to him The only answer is for you to end it with him, block his number and never speak to him again. The addiction is fed partly by the fact he is there. Take him out of the picture and your need for him will fade I promise.

LyraParry · 25/09/2019 00:59

If you genuinely love your husband and want your marriage to work...
... then you wouldn't have had an affair. If you genuinely love someone you really couldn't this to them. If it is a marriage on convenience then the husband deserves to decide if that is what he wants. But nobody should be under any illusions - when you love someone the very idea of treating them so badly is unconscionable.

MMadness · 25/09/2019 02:33

I dont think your kids deserve a better mum, they deserve a happy mum.

Look. It's fucking hard being miserable and then finding validation elsewhere. I get it.

If this man was madly in love, he'd be with you. It's evident he's not.

Leave your husband. Get yourself sorted emotionally and eventually you'll find someone that can and will meet all of your needs.

Good luck.

Monty27 · 25/09/2019 02:38

Your and your guy's family are what matters here because you and he are senseless and selfish.
This will end in tears and it won't be just yours'

PositiveVibez · 25/09/2019 05:36

oh and affair man cannot be trusted. He's done it with you. He WILL do it again

And has 100% done it before.

You're not special to him. You're just somewhere to put his dick when he fancies a shag with someone other than his wife, aka the mother of his children.

He will never leave her.

You are using your husband for convenience. It's not good for you, him, or the kids.

Leave your husband, but stop messing him and the kids around. It's very selfish.

Stop thinking with your fanny and get your head in gear.

Hopoindown31 · 25/09/2019 07:48

Affairs are rarely black and white.

There should be a little bell that rings everyone someone posts this on a thread about a woman having an affair.

This is crap. Affairs are a choice, they are never a solution to a bad marriage.

Laura221 · 25/09/2019 07:55

Let's break it down a little.

You are not happy in your relationship. Leave.

You tried to be with the affair man, he didn't want to. Leave him.

Start a new life without both of these men.

Do not stay in an unhappy marriage because you feel like you have too.

Good luck x

nobigotsallowed · 25/09/2019 08:31

Please leave your husband.

You know you're not being fair on him and you know you've been incredibly unwise and selfish. It's not selfish to want to be happy, but an affair will never bring you happiness. I'm sorry to say, but this is so text book on his part. He's playing you and you're allowing this.

hazeljo · 25/09/2019 08:40

The bit I really dont understand about this is that you left your husband but then went back because OM didn't leave his wife. It doesn't have to be one man or the other, you have a whole other option which is neither of them. It might be scary but you dont want a sexless marriage, equally you don't want to be a bit on the side of someone else's marriage.

Leave them both and spend some time on your own and build yourself up as a person so you can realise you deserve to be in a sexual relationship with someone who isn't married.

Original poster

poppy5010 · 25/09/2019 10:25

Thank you all for taking the time to answer me, I know I must come across as v selfish & to a point I totally agree & needed to hear your comments, I really don’t want to hurt anyone, I was just trying to find happiness without upsetting anyone. My husband I think knows what i’ve been doing but hasn’t let me go because he knows he can’t give me what I want & believe me I do feel guilty about the OM’s wife, but he himself tells me how unhappy he is, I said as long as we’re going to be together then it’s all been worthwhile, but after reading your views, I’m beginning to doubt he ever will.

He tells me how wonderful I am & how much he loves me & promises to leave, he gives me what my husband can’t, this is insane, I need to sort my life out, I’m sorry to have bought this situation to you all

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 25/09/2019 10:37

You ow are so naive and gullible it’s laughable.

You believe they are unhappy with the wife.
You believe they don’t have sex with the wife.
You believe when they say it’s not the right time.
You believe when they say they can’t leave until the kids are adults.

The truth is you’re easy free sex when they want it. They don’t want the long process of trying to get someone else in bed and they don’t want to pay a prostitute so they call you for a quickie.

They fit you into a time slot then go home, wash your bodily fluids off in the shower and snuggle up to his wife.

BrightonRox · 25/09/2019 10:44

I was just trying to find happiness without upsetting anyone.

Never going to happen, OP.

You have 2 options:

break it all off with the OM and concentrate on your marriage. Get some relationship counselling together
break it all off with your DH and move on to the OM...but you will never really be able to trust him. He'll probably cheat on you.

There really is no 'finding happiness without hurting others' in this scenario.

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