I’m having an affair

[poppy5010]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, l hope you won’t judge me to harshly, I’m new to this & tbh very nervous, just looking for some open & honest advice.

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for a number of years to a loving husband, but one who can’t love me the way I want & we have 2 children together.

A year ago I met a man on a girls night out & we exchanged numbers because of a common interest, it wasn’t long before we realised we had so much more in common as he was also married with children & also without intimacy.

We started to text a lot & got on so well, same soh, liked the same films, books & music, it seemed like fate that we met, we started meeting for coffee & then eventually one thing led to another. The physical & mental connection is like one if never experienced before & v addictive.

I would say within 6 months we were madly in love with each other, talked & texted everyday, I knew what we were doing was wrong & did feel bad but was just totally blindsided by this man, he made me feel sexy, happy & alive again.

A while ago, I left my husband to be with this man, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to commit & leave his family so I ended up going back, which is where I am now, with him currently unaware I’m still seeing this man.

I’ve tried several real times to break this relationship off because I know it’s not right, but the obsession I have with him is hard to give up.

I have said unless he can & do the right thing & leave, I won’t see him, but he just keeps telling me, he needs more time & the timing isn’t right, am I crazy?, I believe love can conquer all & if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless, an affair without any ending is surely pointless, am I asking too much?

Whilst there is no excuse for having an affair the position your husband put you in is difficult. Whilst one should not be forced into having sex if you no longer want to, he at least owed you an explanation for it and should have sought help for what sounds like a sex drive that took a running jump off a cliff. If he is happy to be in a sexless marriage but you are not, then maybe there needs to be a conversation about having an open marriage, if he doesn't agree, you need to decide what's more important to you - living in a sexless marriage where by your own admission you no longer love your husband, or leaving.

If you leave, do not run to this other man. He cannot give you what you need which is a fulfilling relationship. He will not leave his wife and his promises to leave his wife are simply there to keep you coming back, I doubt he has any plans to leave her.

It reads as if you have lost yourself in amongst all of this, and I think you owe it to yourself and to your children to find yourself and be happy and if that means being alone for a while then I think you need to do that. In time you'll see what a destructive path you and this other chap were on, and I have faith that you will instead eventually find a man who can give you what you need

Good luck op.

@NoCauseRebel I agree with what you said about the causes of affairs and I agree that no one should be in a sexless marriage unless they want to be but I do think people need to be more accountable for their actions. We hear the same reasons (excuses) for affairs all the time. I can't get my head around the fact that people are gutsy enough to lie and be deceitful to their family but they're not gutsy enough to speak about their marital problems.

FFS the woman hasn't committed murder

Maybe not but it's one of the shittiest things you can ever do to someone. It's right up there for being one of the most painful things to have to endure.

Leave your husband, it isn’t fair!

Try living your life without a man. You sound extremely immature.

it's one of the shittiest things you can ever do to someone. It's right up there for being one of the most painful things to have to endure. I think the years and years of emotional abuse my husband put me through was one of the shittiest things I have ever been through. Yet I had an affair (wel a ONS actually) and people would still side with him.

And for what it’s worth, having an affair is by far the most regrettable thing I have ever done in my life, but for the duration of my marriage my husband emotionally abused me. It was a drip drip of abuse, we’d have mostly good days and then something bad would happen, from him telling me that there wasn’t much point going to see him at the weekend before we lived together because I was on my period and he wouldn’t be able to have sex with me, to telling me that I needed help and was jealous that he had friends and I didn’t when he went out and got smashed out of his mind. Switching off the heating in the garage so I couldn’t have it on while he was at work, taking naked pictures of me while I was asleep, pretending to be an intruder if he went out so as to scare me.

He bugged the house wen he was out so as to record everything I did. Put keyloggers on my computer insisted we move away from my family and friends because it would be good for him and the DC. But then took the DC out every weekend without me so made sure I was home on my own.

I got chatting to someone online after I’d changed all my passwords because I’d realised what he was doing, and stupidly I ended up sleeping with him once.

People don’t have to tell me I was selfish, that I am a bad person and that I probably deserve all the shit that has come my way since, I am fully aware of that. But neither did I deserve the abuse I went through, and while two wrongs absolutely don’t make a right, having an ONS meant that he actually divorced me even though he said he would take me back. But I had reason to leave him.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, and I will regret what I did for the rest of my life.

But equally I am prepared to hold my hands up to what I did and take the consequences for it. But I refuse to be told that what I did was up there with murder given what I went through before.

@HoneyBeeHappy I'm very sorry for what you've been through, it sounds horrific and you didn't deserve that. Your circumstances are very different from the OP and I agree it's not always as simple as 'talking about marital problems' when abuse is present. My comments weren't aimed at you or people in similar circumstances. My comments were aimed at people who aren't abused but use the well know cliches "my partner doesn't have sex with me." "My partner doesn't understand me.' "My partner doesn't pay me any attention." Although these may be genuine reasons for some, they don't justify cheating in my opinion. Have a talk about your relationship, have a break, counselling whatever it takes.

I never said having and affair was up there with murder. I said it was up there with being one of the most painful things a person can endure. I was so distraught when I found out my husband had had an affair that my hair fell out.

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless"

You are 100 percent correct therefore you must know, deep down, that this guy isn't with you because simply he doesn't love you. If you were truly in love with someone, you would move heaven and earth to be with them.

I also wouldn't believe for a minute that he was in a sexless marriage. If he can lie to you and tell you he loves you, then imagine what else he has lied to you about.

My advice to you is to leave your husband, you're not happy and I bet you, even though you believe he is, that he isn't happy either. Leave the married man alone, I know this intense connection you speak about but listen at the end of the day, all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable, you will get hurt, so it's up to you whether you rip the plaster off now or later, but it'll hurt less if you do so now. Concentrate on your kids and set them a good example.

People can’t possibly KNOW for a fact what’s going on in this mans relationship. The OP is in a sexless marriage and therefore if her husband were to have an affair he would be telling the truth about the sex situation. I’m in a sexless marriage and it would be the same if either myself or my husband had an affair. I’m on another forum with a ton of people who are in the same boat. OP. I do know that being in a sexless relationship is absolutely devastating - humans are programmed to need human contact.If you’ve not been there you cannot possibly know how lonely it is. Sadly no one knows if he will ever leave his wife or not - sometimes people don’t go because they’re trapped by circumstances - they can’t afford to ( eg expensive housing) or they don’t want to be separated from their children. Sometimes when the chips are down it IS just a sexual thrill and they find they don’t in fact want to leave their partners. I had a parent who had an affair though and went on to separate and live very happily with the affair partner for 40 years so it can happen. I think that going back to your DH was a knee jerk reaction to the situation not panning out as imagined. I don’t really see the benefit for anyone really in you staying in the marriage without tackling the reason for the problems in the first place. If that’s not on the cards then you’re just delaying the inevitable.

Thank you all for your comments & thoughts, admittedly, some have made me cry & some have really hit home, I didn’t come on here for sympathy, just advice because I couldn’t talk to anyone & I’m truly sorry if I caused pain & upset any to women who have been cheated on

After reading what you’ve all said I have since ended the affair, I needed to be sure after all we’ve been through & the distress it would cause if we got found out, that there had to be an end game, that we’d do the right thing & leave our partners, it’s not fair on anyone, but then he started backing away, said needs space !

I cannot do this anymore as much as I love him, but believe me, it’s going to be hard, he’s been my distraction & little ray of sunshine that’s kept a smile on my face over the past 16 months & yes I know he wasn’t mine to have & yes I do feel bad for the other partners & yes I know I should be hung, drawn & quartered for what I’ve done, but I’m going try to do the right thing now

I’m going to address issues with my husband too, I can’t live in a sexless marriage & to a man more married to his job & if I end up being on my own, surely that’s better than being lonely in a relationship

Is there anyone out there going through or gone through anything similar to me?, can private message if that’s easier

I doubt I’ll get much, but any help, advice or support would be greatly appreciated, as I really do feel alone now

Honeybee happy, I’m very sorry for what happened to you & very hope everything’s much better for you now

@poppy5010

Go to the website I mentioned, you'll get lots and lots of non judgmental advice and lots of support.
It saved me when I thought I was going mad