I’m having an affair

[poppy5010]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this, l hope you won’t judge me to harshly, I’m new to this & tbh very nervous, just looking for some open & honest advice.

I’ve tried so many times to do the right thing.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for a number of years to a loving husband, but one who can’t love me the way I want & we have 2 children together.

A year ago I met a man on a girls night out & we exchanged numbers because of a common interest, it wasn’t long before we realised we had so much more in common as he was also married with children & also without intimacy.

We started to text a lot & got on so well, same soh, liked the same films, books & music, it seemed like fate that we met, we started meeting for coffee & then eventually one thing led to another. The physical & mental connection is like one if never experienced before & v addictive.

I would say within 6 months we were madly in love with each other, talked & texted everyday, I knew what we were doing was wrong & did feel bad but was just totally blindsided by this man, he made me feel sexy, happy & alive again.

A while ago, I left my husband to be with this man, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready to commit & leave his family so I ended up going back, which is where I am now, with him currently unaware I’m still seeing this man.

I’ve tried several real times to break this relationship off because I know it’s not right, but the obsession I have with him is hard to give up.

I have said unless he can & do the right thing & leave, I won’t see him, but he just keeps telling me, he needs more time & the timing isn’t right, am I crazy?, I believe love can conquer all & if you really loved someone, you’d be with that person, regardless, an affair without any ending is surely pointless, am I asking too much?

I just wanted to feel wanted & yes I probably am v gullible, think what I needed, was to hear this from other people so I have the strength to let him go & move on with my life & to be do the right thing by my husband, is there anyone else out there who’s experienced what I’m going through

He's having sex with his wife and you on the side. Because he can! Because you allow it.

He doesn't love you.

You're reading all those shitty inspirational quotes and thinking you're soul mates aren't you? 🙈

Just leave why can't you leave and be alone why do you have to have someone in the wings to jump to?

Sorry there's no excuse to cheat and the fact you left to jump in the next bed and it didn't work out fast enough so you went back is so disrespectful to your husband.

I hope it all comes back to bite and you hard. It won't be a shade on what you deserve.

He's having sex with his wife and you on the side. Because he can! Because you allow it.

Exactly. The new man doesn't want you. Your poor husband won't either when he finds out. You're just being used and are using others in return.... What a gem.

Sometimes affair partners do leave and end up together and even happy. But you will never hear that here. There was an interesting thread in chat recently.

If I were you i would leave DH. You do not want to be there. Yes it is hard if he is controlling but this really should be your main focus.

The next thing would be to give OM a deadline. And. Mean. It. Say 3 months and block on everything. EVERYTHING. Live your life as he isn't going to leave and start moving on. As most probably, he won't leave. But he definitely won't at the moment, as all his needs are being met.

He may very well not love his wife anymore but it doesn't actually matter unless he is prepared to do something about it.

Surely you realise deep down this man will never leave his wife? Have you tried discussing your issues with hubby? You were in love with him once. Anyway of getting that spark back? Having been in your shoes i can tell you the novelty wears off. It really does. Once reality kicks in. It might take a year or 2, but it does

Even if nothing comes out of the relationship with the married man you shouldn't of gone back to your husband, you're not happy and you should atleast enjoy yourself before you die, figure out how to leave him and be by yourself, it seems scary but its really not, you'll meet someone else

Geez people, a little harsh. Have you all been in a sexless marriage? Do you know what that is? Try not having sex with your partner for a couple years and only being in your late 20s/early 30s and see how you feel. Imagine if you do love your partner, have kids with them and don't want to leave them, but they won't have sex with you, and won't do anything to improve things...but you don't have a low sex drive, so you crave intimacy etc?

I get that its wrong etc. But I also don't get why people are being so harsh.....

And no, I have never cheated. But I can imagine how if the opportunity was there and you were in a sexless marriage, after years of no sex, the temptation would be there. We are only human, we are not saints!!!

Affairs are addiction, OP. The only cure is cold turkey. Please stop allowing this man to use you.

"You ow are so naive and gullible it’s laughable.

You believe they are unhappy with the wife.
You believe they don’t have sex with the wife.
You believe when they say it’s not the right time.
You believe when they say they can’t leave until the kids are adults.

The truth is you’re easy free sex when they want it. They don’t want the long process of trying to get someone else in bed and they don’t want to pay a prostitute so they call you for a quickie.
They fit you into a time slot then go home, wash your bodily fluids off in the shower and snuggle up to his wife."

This isn't quite true. My ex stopped having sex with me because he was infatuated with the OW. He treated me very badly and cruelly. Snuggles? You must be joking.

But he did not want to get divorced.
That is because he had intact finances, intact house, intact family, all kept going by the Household Appliance, and then his lurve. What is not to like?

Me? How I felt? How much I was hurting? How bewildered I was? What I wanted? Pfffft.

I think you need to face reality. He is not going to leave his wife for you. And if he did, how do you know he won't go back to her or cheat on you next time.

Well the affair man obviously isn’t interested in a relationship with you or else he would have left his wife to be with you. I think you need to leave your husband and strike out on your own as a single woman.

@sofato5miles
Have you got the link to the pp in chat.

Yes it wrong but a sexless marriage to someone you love while being young.

Very difficult.

Op you are so being played. Where's your self respect and dignity. How do you keep these morals and you say you have children? This is harsh but honestly, I'd hate to think what example you are showing your kids!!

I mean, how can you accept being second best? Get rid of HIM. And work on your MARRIAGE as you made the oath to do. Or LEAVE.

My husband ... wasn’t interested in starting over again

So why has he had you back?

I wouldn't have ...

Blah blah blah, I cheated on my husband, the other guy won't leave his wife but we are madly in love, blah, blah, blah.
He's not leaving his wife because he doesn't love you the way you think he does, you are his bit on the side. Leave your husband, no one deserves to be lied to by the person they are supposed to trust most in the world. Stop being a coward.

ok so i am someone who ended up with affair partner and we are very happy and yes before anyone asks i trust him implicitly.

but while my affair started in a similar fashion to the OP the trajectory was different (ish)

I met my now DP when we were both married, i had been in a sexless marriage for years. my now dexh refused counscelling, doctors, talk about it and solely decided our relationship would be celibate.
My DP went into the affair thinking it was fun nsa sex and fulfilled something missing . we also fell in love, and then the affair became something we had not anticipated.
after 18months we were tentatively talking about a future together,we were both very cautious and careful about our feelings.we were definitely not in some fantasy land that everyone thinks people in affairs are in.
We lived 150 miles apart and both had children, he could not move due to career, i could not move due to schools, sharing parenting etc.
then we were seen out and his wife was told.
After much soul searching we both agreed that love is sometimes not enough and no you do not do anything to be with the person you love..your children come first.
He i guess attempted to reconcile with wife and i plodded on with DexH.
i never stopped loving him though.
five yrs ago we literally bumped into each other and i told him i had separated from dexh.
he said his marriage was over -i refused to agree to see him again unless he had actually left. One because i did not want to be his OW and i did not want his wife to go through any hurt again ( i had matured a bit ) .
He rang me 1 week later with the tenancy agreement of his new flat..he had moved out.
we took it slowly and 5 yrs on are very happy.
neither of us really liked being in an affair, sometimes affairs do happen between two people who are more suited than the people they are married to.
i regret and never advise an affair,i regret that his wife got hurt,but i cannot regret meeting him as we now are so happy.
my dexh turned out to be gay and has a lovely partner.
mt dp's ex wife is angry and hurt and i do understand that.

for the OP: love sometimes is not enough, no people do not do anything to be with the person they love , your OM loves his children more maybe.
The upheaval of leaving for an AP is more than an amicable separation because you have grown apart

you say you fear being alone..your OM maybe feels he could notcope with your neediness and what will be his wife's hurt and his children's hurt.

or he might be a player...

either way you absolutely have to end it.
Being in an affair is amazing at first but soon becomes very very painful.
Stop ,go cold turkey and work out whether you want to rekindle things with your dh, or whether you and him want to continue in a sexless marriage or whether you want to leave

Why is it sexless? Obviously from your side it seems u want to so what's the problem?

Being in an affair is amazing at first I'm sorry, but amazing? I get that you must be getting something out of it, otherwise why do it, but I would think that constant sickening feeling of guilt, that constant worry you were going to be caught, would take the edge of that "amazing" feeling, no?

OP if you end your marriage respectfully, you should be able to handle this in a way that's relatively healthy for your children. If you wait until it comes out that you've cheated on their father (and them), it'll massively screw them up when they're old enough to realise. Don't do that to them.

I have PMd you x

Wow, tough crowd on here!

Actually, I'm not sure I feel that sorry for your husband. Withholding intimacy for years when you know it's important to the other person with no attempt to address the issue is hugely selfish....and yes, I'd say the same thing if it was the man having the affair.

Anyway, your marriage is over and the om is probably lying to you.

I agree with pps that being single is probably the best option.

I'm not sure I feel that sorry for your husband. Withholding intimacy for years when you know it's important to the other person with no attempt to address the issue is hugely selfish...

This. Fucking this.

Isn't this literally in one of the profiles of an abuser.

But, yeah, let's hold women up to a totally different moral code. And relish in slating her.

it is hard, I did try many years ago before we had children to make our sex life better but he pushed me away, because of his own insecurities, having the children just helped distract me

I was surprised myself when my sexual side was awakened