I just don't know what to do. I hate my life, yet I can't seem to change it.

[camilleeloise]

I am single, chronically single, never really been in a relationship single. I am not honestly sure how it happened, as everything I could offer as a possible explanation equally could apply to many other people too all of whom have had relationships. But I didn't.

For ages I thought it would happen one day, I was just a late starter or that when I did, finally meet someone that would be it, but it hasn't happened.

And to be honest, I feel like it's ruined my life, although I'm only now able to say that looking back.

The friends I made have naturally settled down with their own partners and families. They have no time for me and we have very little in common. Therefore, my social life has whittled down to nothing. I go nowhere and I see no one, so how can I meet anybody? I can't, obviously!

I'm so, so lonely and the idea that this is the rest of my life is sickening. But how can it not be?

I’m in an enviable position of having friends and family but when I look at my friendship group they are mostly single women. I have never sort out people like me. My friends are all ages. The eldest is 85 (I’m in my late50’s).

I’m curious as to why you think older/retired people aren’t worthy of your friendship.

You do sound so unhappy, can you afford counselling? It may help to open your mind and to looking for friendship in a different way/place.

I really hope this thread will help you 💐

OP I totally get you. I recognise what you are saying, except by sheer luck I did happen to partner up. Like you, I have friends, but they are busy with work/family and don't have much time for me. I'm friendly with colleagues but it's not the sort of workplace where people socialise all the time. Meet up groups have been a bust for me. If it wasn't for my partner, I'd rarely see anyone.

There are no easy answers.

And bore off with the hobby suggestions people!

If i was single and had no kids, i would be arranging nights out with work people, i would be going to book launches and lectures, i would do pilates, ride, be a Special Constable, go to my writers group, and sign up for one of those Supper Club things.
Pp if these things are so great, why not ditch the bf and fill your life with them then? In fact you don't even need to be single, you can spend a couple of nights a week with your bf and have 4-5 nights left to fill with book launches and supper clubs and your work colleagues. You can become a Special Constable today if you want. What's that, it's way to much effort, often awkward and frankly a bit boring? You'd rather have dinner at home and Netflix with bf? Yes exactly, so would OP!

I second therapy, OP. I think you're blocking yourself, but you're not fully aware of how or why, and therapy will help you to unpick this ... because, for all of your protestations to the contrary, you are playing "Why Don't You, Yes But".

1300

Actually I DO want to be a
Special Constable 👮‍♀️

My crap excuses are work full time , 2 kids yada yada

Maybe I could heed my own advice hey

Ok, so coming at this from another angle, if you want children and are almost 40 and financially stable, now would be the perfect time to have one or more. You most definitely don’t need a man to do this..
You could look seriously into donor sperm or adoption if that’s your thing? Or fostering maybe?

A huge side effect of having children (other than the total and all consuming awesomeness of your parent-child experience) is your world opening up to new experiences and people, and absolutely zero time to overthink your own place in the world. Trust me, I’ve been through it and am transformed!

Pp if these things are so great, why not ditch the bf and fill your life with them then? In fact you don't even need to be single, you can spend a couple of nights a week with your bf and have 4-5 nights left to fill with book launches and supper clubs and your work colleagues. You can become a Special Constable today if you want. What's that, it's way to much effort, often awkward and frankly a bit boring? You'd rather have dinner at home and Netflix with bf? Yes exactly, so would OP!

I think you're missing the point, @1300cakes. The OP has said that her only outings are a weekly ride and the hairdresser not unrelatedly that she feels she has 'nothing to offer', and that online conversations fizzle out rapidly because of that.

While some of that sounds like low self-esteem or depression talking, it is also the fact that it is no one's job to save the OP. People be they friends or romantic partners want to be around people they find interesting, rather than be 'rescuing' someone half-crazed with loneliness. It puts an awful lot of pressure on any burgeoning friendship or romantic relationship to feel that you are literally the only thing in that person's life.

When we lived in London, I was out many nights of the week at the theatre, a film, a concert, an opening, by myself, with friends or with DH -- now that we live in the sticks, I'm not, because the nearest city is a dead loss, culturally speaking. But we're moving countries again soon, and I will absolutely be out there again, even if we end up having to take it in turns for childcare reasons.

I don't think it's a helpful message to give the OP, that hobbies/classes/evening events are for saddos while the happily coupled are stapled to their sofas after dark. Not true in my experience, either.

I don't see me always going on holiday alone, and going to Festivals etc, on my own as failure. I see it is a far more successful approach than staying home on my own. I still don't have friends as such, but I pat myself on the back for being ballsy (and managing to sort of cope with chronic long term anxiety) .
I admit it's take years after a traumatic event to feel like this. I'm in my 50's, no kids, partner, or person to have even a coffee with.
But I still want to experience things.

Have you had an event that is still causing pain?

Thank you again for the kinder replies. I do understand it is frustrating when people appear to be putting up barriers, but I've been on this circuit of trying to meet people for a long time now.

I do want children but I really don't think I can make it work as a lone parent.

I am not estranged from my family - unfortunately both my parents died quite young. They didn't have extended families particularly so now here I am!

Do you think you might be depressed?

If I am, it is brought about through circumstances.

Are you the poster who posts this same thing every week and swats down everyone’s replies? Apologies if you’re not.

Well depression is depression. Whether via circumstances or via a genetic trait /imbalance it’s still shitty . In fact it’s a lot
More than shitty . And only now I am older so I have techniques to manage . And I have had shit loads of therapy

I suppose what everyone is saying in different ways is that there are many steps you can take . But you need to try

I don't think it's a helpful message to give the OP, that hobbies/classes/evening events are for saddos while the happily coupled are stapled to their sofas after dark. Not true in my experience, either

I’d didn’t read it that way at all actually . I think it’s a laziness , getting off your arse thing . And I watch Netflix on my own !!

Could anybody possibly explain to me why they are coming on here to have a go?

Would you go on a thread where someone's marriage has ended, orsomething? I don't understand. Am I fair game because I am single and am struggling with friendships growing apart? Can you see this almost instinctive hostility some of you have? Well guess what, that happens in RL too.

I think I'll leave the thread there. Thank you so much to those who have been kind.

Would you consider going to the GP and looking into what they could offer to help? I understand it's situational, but that doesn't mean it can't be improved.

So are you the poster who posts the same thread weekly? BE ause a lot of people have typed sooo many posts trying to help, and been dismissed, so I (kindly) think you should look into other things, you’ve dismissed sperm donation usage, adoption, fostering, all hobbies, all volunteering, online dating, etc, so I honestly have nothing else to suggest, you don’t want any of it?

(Btw, I have zero friends IRL. I’m not gloating, there’s been thousands of replies to these many threads over recent months and it’s just ‘no.’. What replies are you hoping for, how can we help?)

I am finding this thread really interesting, and I really get OP circumstances and sense of loneliness and isolation. I met my husband online, but between us we don't have any other family and I struggle finding friends even though I attend a lot of social events and have quite a few acquaintances, the conversations are always fairly superficial and people can make it really obvious they want them to remain that way. I just want OP to know that even though I am married and happy with my husband, I still feel really lonely for a good female friend or sister, in laws, a mum. Loneliness is a struggle and hobbies don't take that away, I have lots of them and they pass the time, I have cats as well.

Ok, I’m horsey... you can ask at your local riding school if they do lessons of similar age groups, if you can ride well enough and have enough money hire a hunter and follow a drag hound pack? There will be a social bit first when everybody is offered drinks( spirits) and you obviously have something in common, usually quite a few men too? If not why not join a gym, even just to do Pilates ?

I don't think it's a helpful message to give the OP, that hobbies/classes/evening events are for saddos while the happily coupled are stapled to their sofas after dark

I don't think this at all, but don't you think it's funny that so many pps have great hobby ideas for OP that they would "love" to do themselves, but in fact they don't, have never and will never do that hobby. Even though they easily could - they just aren't interested or bothered. Somehow they can't understand OP feels the exact same way.

Op I am sorry you have had a hard time on this thread . It's easy to say do this and do that when they are sitting comfortably. For it's worth I don't think having a child will solve your problem. I speak as a single mother, it's lonely and even worse when you go on holiday aimed at families and you are the only single parent there it's not a nice feeling . It's easy to go in single trips as a single person but once you have a child you are limited to family.
Sorry I don't have any advice but I understand how you feel

@camilleeloise imagine being the friend of some of the harsher posters on here! A hundred years of solitude would be preferable.