I just don't know what to do. I hate my life, yet I can't seem to change it.

[camilleeloise]

I am single, chronically single, never really been in a relationship single. I am not honestly sure how it happened, as everything I could offer as a possible explanation equally could apply to many other people too all of whom have had relationships. But I didn't.

For ages I thought it would happen one day, I was just a late starter or that when I did, finally meet someone that would be it, but it hasn't happened.

And to be honest, I feel like it's ruined my life, although I'm only now able to say that looking back.

The friends I made have naturally settled down with their own partners and families. They have no time for me and we have very little in common. Therefore, my social life has whittled down to nothing. I go nowhere and I see no one, so how can I meet anybody? I can't, obviously!

I'm so, so lonely and the idea that this is the rest of my life is sickening. But how can it not be?

It sounds like you've made up your mind that this is how your going to live and you're out to prove it.
Try a different mentality where you don't accept this is you now and you strive to make the life you want.
We are all born single with no friends but people choose friends who are positive and I don't know you so could be completely wrong but I get the impression you can be quite negative and down on yourself and that could be what's putting people off.

You said your friends have partners etc so I'm assuming you have some friends could they perhaps introduce you to people they know?

I have a single family member who is 50 and has been single over 20 years and he never has enough time to see us family as he is so busy with freinds. Not single freinds, one is a couple he stays with 1 weekend a month as they live 45 miles away. Holidays with a single male friend and his Mum. Regularly out with work freinds and couples. Sorry not meaning to rub it in but I think its you your mindset screams negative and not worth it. Maybe its time for some self reflection and counselling to see what it is holding you back.

I've seen countless threads like this on MN over the years where every suggestion put to the OP is met with "That doesn't work for me because.." Their responses are always defeatist and eventually helpful Mnetters become irritated with the woe is me vibe.

Sorry to be blunt OP but it looks as if this thread is heading the same way and I'd be surprised if you respond positively to any advice since you seem rather set in your ways.

Do you actually want advice or just to vent? The latter is fine but I would make that clear so that you don't continue to receive suggestions when you have no intention of actually doing anything to change your situation.

Cornish not really.

It isn't that I've decided that this is the life I want. I genuinely can't see a way out. I've tried, and failed and am becoming increasingly depressed, frustrated and upset with it all.

I honestly think many people underestimate how unimportant a single friend is when you have a mum, dad, PILs, BILs, SILs, siblings, husband, children, colleagues and other friends, many of whom probably have children the same age as your children.

Tootired, I used to be that person, but I found it miserable, being the fifth wheel, literally. It was embarrassing and I felt in the way. Plus as I've said, people really don't tend to give you much thought!

Book yourself on a riding holiday. The adulty sort of riding holiday is absolutely not aimed at families or couples!

If i was single and had no kids, i would be arranging nights out with work people, i would be going to book launches and lectures, i would do pilates, ride, be a Special Constable, go to my writers group, and sign up for one of those Supper Club things. When my boyfriend was single, he did one of those National Trust working holidays, and had a pretty good time with a bunch of other people who were mostly single and didnt have tons of friends.

Im sure there are loads of reasons why you cant do any of the things i would do... but there must be some things you are a bit interested in.

Do you feel better now you've given someone already at rock bottom a good kicking, Eastie?

If i was single and had no kids, i would be arranging nights out with work people*

Very genuinely, how, if your work colleagues were rushing home to their own families? We don't all work in busy London offices: some of us have slightly more mediocre lives.

i would be going to book launches and lectures

Yes, have done thanks

i would do pilates, ride

Yes, have done so

be a Special Constable

Not really my scene, but I have done voluntary work, as I've said.

go to my writers group

Yes, I've done this too. It meets once a month and all are retired!

and sign up for one of those Supper Club things

No idea what this is, but will have a look.

When my boyfriend was single, he did one of those National Trust working holidays, and had a pretty good time with a bunch of other people who were mostly single and didnt have tons of friends.

Which sounds interesting. It misses the point, though - you've given me a list of potential things to do. I'm trying to explain my heart is hurting. I have no place in the world. I have no one who misses me, who I am a priority to. I keep thinking of death because, well, death is sort of the end to it rather than this slow rusting away I seem to be doing.

i Was chronically lonely in my 20s and 30s- it’s awful I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Might the fact that you feel you have nothing to offer might be affecting your interactions?

OP at the end of the day the attitude you have is likely going to deny you potential opportunities to meet people. There are q million and one obscure hobbies and clubs to be tried, if the objective is to socialise and maybe build relationships or community then what does it matter what it is - you may come to enjoy something that you are adamant you'll hate.

The 'I know myself best and I won't like and it works for everyone else but not for me' train of thought isn't helpful, none of us are that unique really. Have an open mind and maybe try CBT to change the thought patterns- what you are doing practically and mentally hasn't worked for you so the only way to change your situation will be to change something you are doing, waiting for external change is a hiding to nowhere IMO and you can do those things and make changes over time even thought that feels an impossibility.

I'd not bother dating- explore fertility options of reproducing is a concern and work on your life, consider finding someone to talk it out with- counselling is a very helpful tool for everyone and not for those who have 'failed' or who 'have problems'. It's like hiring a cleaner or something.

Mail order a husband?

Have you ever done any volunteering?

When are you at your happiest? Like what activities do you enjoy?

Please, everyone, can I respectfully ask that the hobby talk just stops? It's awful, especially when I have explained repeatedly I have done and do do things. I'm not really about that. It's the lack of any sort of purpose, meaning and real interaction that is so very difficult.

You move jobs and you move house.

Studies have shown people are more likely to form attachments with people they see regularly - which is why so many people form new relationships at work or in their apartment buildings. I knew someone who married her colleague and someone who married her neighbour.

You make yourself more interesting just by doing stuff.

When I was dating I made sure I kept up with music and saw live bands. It gives you something to talk about.

You book a trip somewhere and go on that trip (I never bothered doing this as I hate flying).

You get a pet. So many people in my home town would meet their partner while walking their pet.

You watch shows so you have things to talk about.

I met my boyfriend last year and we are expecting our first child next year. I’m 39 next year.

You’ve not missed your window of opportunity at all.

I was single for years then illness scared me into meeting someone as I didn’t want to be alone forever.

Someone out there hates walking as much as you do. Someone out there is just as lonely and wants to meet someone.

Since I met my boyfriend I’ve met quite a few of his single friends who all want relationships but struggle to find them.

You’re completely not alone - most couples get together because they love or hate the same things. They find things in common and that binds them.

Something for you to think about:

'What appears to be coming at you is actually coming from you.'

It changed my life xxx

The way you speak about yourself having nothing to say and nothing to offer is a bit self-fulfilling prophecy and pretty off-putting. Consider the GP or therapy to address if there are issues with depression/low self-esteem.

Have you asked your friends & family to set you up?
Join an introduction agency?

A pet - I presume you mean a dog. I am really, really sorry to dog lovers but I am terrified of them.

I do go on trips. I do try. I've been to Greece, New Zealand, Ireland, Scotland and Germany this past year alone. I've tried but I've failed.

Thankfully I didn’t mention a hobby. I don’t understand the concept.

Just so you know, there are plenty of people who feel the same.

However, I met a few losers who were shocked I didn’t have a hobby.

I do have hobbies, but I don't really think of them as hobbies, more things I do so I don't jump off a bridge. I ride a horse once a week. I read. That is about it!

Moving also is a good idea per meccacos2
Especially to rural location. Major cities and suburbs are highest risk for loneliness. More human interaction and chances to meet someone if you are in a small town.

I recently started my own meet-up group. I have friends of 20+ years standing, but trying to organise nights/days out was becoming more and more difficult so I thought sod it, I'll start my own social group, and it's going really really well. I've limited the membership to 40 (I know what you mean about those huge groups, I went to a couple), and over the past 4 months a core membership of about 10 of us has emerged and we are doing lots of really interesting things; theatre, cinema, comedy clubs, restaurants, walks, etc. Start your own group and set your own criteria. You seem a bit defeated, but really you need to visualise the life you would like (be realistic - you can't be an Olympic gymnast) and take tiny steps towards that goal.

Reading and riding solo aren't "meeting people" type hobbies.

Do you go to events or shows? There's generally a social scene attached.

Yes, floozie, I know. I have few friends because I'm negative, complain and moan.

However … I am not like this in RL. At all.

I am simply telling you that the people I work with are either extremely young and in their own little group, I am literally old enough to be their mum, or have their own family. In both cases, there is no socialising after work. I'm genuinely sorry if you feel I was being unpleasant in explaining that to you, I wasn't intending to. I was just trying to explain workplaces are different. In any case mine is quite horribly backbiting. I am looking for a new job at the moment so maybe I will end up somewhere nicer but still.

Thanks, Mid I think the horrible truth is, I'm wary with friendships. I've just lost so many friends as soon as they have children.

Well maybe not category but I'm not sure it's meeting people that I want or need.

the OP has put herself out there, she has tried to broaden her horizons but her point is true - if you have a family etc your focus is on your family rather than friends. It is very hard to break into a circle of people when you get to a certain age. There was a thread about this very subject a while back. The brusque posts are not helpful in this situation. If there was a wide circle of friends there is the potential to meet other people through them but it is trying to find the people to connect with.

Also, it's about connecting with the right people rather than grasping onto anybody. If there isn't anybody she feels a connection to that's demoralising. I hate this expression, find your tribe. I haven't found my tribe and plenty of people don't.

I am married but have no real close friends but I am married. If I was not married I would be in the same position as the OP. A

@camilleeloise

Not necessarily a dog.

When I was particularly lonely I bought a fluffy cat. I hate cats. Guys love them! My boyfriend became more attached once my cat moved into his house. So you don’t think I’m an absolute psychopath, my cat is purring at my feet and after I got over my allergic reaction to her I formed a massive attachment to her. I love her.

Rabbits work too. Any random animal you can take pictures of and put on Instagram.

There’s a guy with a rabbit with their own Instagram account and he takes him out for coffee. I think he’s coffeewithsmudge.

It’s pictures of this fat rabbit sitting at various cafes 🐰

You travel, I didn’t travel and that made it harder for me as I had nothing to exchange when dates went on about their travel stories.

The thing with the pet is, they are a segway to further conversation and people think you’re caring.

My default conversation lines were basically stories about my cat and the person I lived with. I’m seriously so boring I had to compensate by learning to tell good stories about the most inane crap.