I just don't know what to do. I hate my life, yet I can't seem to change it.

[camilleeloise]

I am single, chronically single, never really been in a relationship single. I am not honestly sure how it happened, as everything I could offer as a possible explanation equally could apply to many other people too all of whom have had relationships. But I didn't.

For ages I thought it would happen one day, I was just a late starter or that when I did, finally meet someone that would be it, but it hasn't happened.

And to be honest, I feel like it's ruined my life, although I'm only now able to say that looking back.

The friends I made have naturally settled down with their own partners and families. They have no time for me and we have very little in common. Therefore, my social life has whittled down to nothing. I go nowhere and I see no one, so how can I meet anybody? I can't, obviously!

I'm so, so lonely and the idea that this is the rest of my life is sickening. But how can it not be?

Thank you Sarcelle, I really do appreciate your compassion and kindness more than you can ever possibly realise.

If you don't meet people, you don't meet men.

You complain that you go nowhere and see no-one and now you say it's not meeting people that you want or need.

I have cats but I do think they perpetuate a certain stereotype. In any case, as cats, the are great. As human substitutes, they aren't :)

Get yourself a back pack and book a guided trip with a company like trailfinders or STA travel.

I went on a 4 week trip through Central America a few years ago- the itinerary, accommodation and transport were all organised for a set cost and I travelled with a group of 16 people + tour guide, through 4 countries. There were couples and singles, people in the 20s and people in their 40s, people from Canada, Netherlands, UK and USA in my group. Made some great friends and had a brilliant time. Much better than travelling alone if that's not your thing. I had to book my flights to and from UK but everything else was done as part of the package.

I have strangely enough noticed that I'm not meeting men.

Sometimes you can have a relationship/kids/friends and still feel lonely.
If you are feeling depressed maybe see your GP about this.
Maybe a dog would be company for you and get you out, you'd meet lots of other dog walkers who have a dog in common to get talking to and you'd see a lot of the same faces at the local parks.
Obviously there's a lot to consider before getting a dog and I'm not suggesting you get one without serious research and consideration but it's a thought I had as I have a dog and it's how I've met a lot of people.

OP if you are 100% honest, have you tried to keep up with your friends who have had kids? Do you show interest in their children, offer to meet in convenient places/at convenient times?

I only ask because i can honestly say the first couple of years of DD's life were incredibly lonely for me - out of the loop on mat leave, can't get out in the evenings without childcare etc, not to mention PND and the fact my life had shifted cataclysmically and no one else really seemed to get it. I was incredibly grateful to some of my slightly older, single, child free friends who made the effort to pop round in the week, or meet up for a walk. My former social circle carried on with the brunches and bars and clubs and i'm slowly dipping my toe back in but i'm so much closer to different people now.

I'm sure there will be people i used to go out with moaning about how i don't have time for them since having a family (not saying this is what you are doing!!) but from my perspective they didn't make me many allowances either.

I'm sorry you feel so shit. Its very sad to read. I really hope things start looking up for you.

"Thanks, Mid I think the horrible truth is, I'm wary with friendships"

I wonder if you could clarify. I'm single and my friends mean the world to me. I have definitely met people who don't really care about friends though, and would drop them for a man. So I try to avoid that type.

Its interesting that you say its having kids that pushed your friends away. When i had my DD, i felt like i lost all my friends overnight, because i was tied down with a baby, and they were all still going out and having fun. I think an awful lot of people end up isolated for any number of reasons.

It does sound like you need a total change. A new job would be a good start, because it would give you a bit of a fresh start, with some new people, new social opportunities and new attitudes.

I still say to have a bash at the online dating thing. Re-invent yourself a bit. Go with no more expectation than making a new friend - if its more than that, its a bit of a plus.

Sorry, but I don't know what else there is - if you're not getting out there, then it's not going to just come to you. I appreciate it's hard to do and keep doing.

Although you could try an introduction agency where they do more of the legwork for you.
Or ask everyone you know if they know anyone to set you up with.

Op have you thought of fostering or adoption?

It will give you a purpose and give some children the family they desperately need.

x

Believe me Regg I have. I am really surprised at your post, though so sorry you went through that. I suppose I feel that they obviously met people at baby groups / nursery / NCT and so on and just feel they have more in common, then you've the fifth wheel problem.

Autumnn I have explained / clarified, I think. I've been dropped a few times lately.

I'm really scared of dogs. I am sorry but I just personally don't really like them.

I have horses and have met hundreds of people.

I go to shows, joined a riding club, hack with others (men and women) or just spend hours hanging about the yard.

I also have lots of friends from work who have families and some who don’t. I don’t really care who has kids or not and certainly wouldn’t not be your friend because you didn’t have a family!

I don't have horses in the same way as you do Mane - I'm not really that good, to be honest! I couldn't afford to ride regularly, unfortunately. it's so expensive!

@camilleeloise

So you have more then one cat... ok, don’t tell people about the cats 🐱

I don’t think you sound defeatist. This is what it’s like to be single.

My housemate “coped” by binge drinking and vomiting over my expensive shampoo in the shower.

The best advice I ever received in respect to my lack of social interaction with people was

“Alcohol is a social lubricant. Go out, get drunk. You’ll meet people.”

He was right.

You don’t want to keep that up at our age though.

You’re independent, well travelled - you just haven’t found your people.

Don’t bother with hobbies. Only weird people meet other people through hobbies.

I did work with someone who met her husband at a backpackers somewhere.

Mostly people meet people through work.

A relative met her husband at a big meeting she stuffed the dates up on. He worked for a luxury brand and I don’t know what she did. She went to the meeting on the wrong day and she stuck out to him.

Seriously, I do nothing but watch Netflix, go to places where there are food vans and imagine conversations I would have with people. Sometimes I’m funny ...which helps. And my cat is very attractive.

As a side note, I read a science article about men finding women more attractive that had recently had sex with another guy (it was a competition aspect I think). I also read something that 25% of one night stands end in a relationship (of some sort). It makes sense when you look around at couples and realise at least one of them has slept around.

Don’t let the vipers put you down - there’s miserable people on here.

Online dating is seriously where it’s at. I met my beloved lovely new DP on tinder. Neither of us were OLD pro’s but we just got lucky & clicked.
The trick is not to get into lengthy texting/messaging. Just a quick “hi” online then fix-up a quick coffee/lunch to see if you get on. If you don’t, move onto the next. If you do, you’ve got yourself a potential friend or hopefully a lover/partner.

If you don’t put yourself out there on the market then you can expect more of the same old status quo I’m afraid. Although I’m sure you’ve got lots of reasons why OLD isn’t for you, in the same way that groups, hobbies, dogs etc aren’t either.

I genuinely think you need to look at why you’re so dismissive of the very real helpful ways out of your situation.

I don't know if this has been suggested but I've seen for people who online dating just doesn't work, there are still old fashioned dating agencies that set people up. Maybe you could google one in your area or surrounding areas? I think if I was single again I would do that. I hate the idea of online dating.

Do you want children OP?

Ah, Mecca, you have cheered me up, something I didn't think was possible. I honestly feel sometimes as if I am on the periphery of society in so many ways.

Yes, I'd love children. I don't think it will happen now.

OP you sound a bit like you could be depressed--because you've mentioned feeling worthless, hopeless, thinking about death, in which case any suggestion/solution would probably seem pointless.

You are right that much of the world and the people in it is geared towards families. It is much more difficult to find your place when you are not living that same path.

I'm sorry to hear how awful you are feeling. Loneliness is horrible as is depression--I've had both and still have one. I know what it is to feel you dont and cant seem to find your place, anywhere. And yes, friends do seem to drift away once they have kids.

People are trying to offer solutions to help you. I imagine you know that---but I do wonder how much of how you feel is coming from inside. Maybe it was there first then life went downhill, or maybe it started when life began to go downhill. Doesn't really matter but could be worth considering. If you're depressed then nothing you do externally will make you feel any better.

I'm a 39 year old relative oddball not living the usual marriage/kids/career path and I know depression and hopelessness. Feel free to dm for a chat if you fancy, always up for meeting new folk.

I too am wary of friendships, which is why my own Meet-up group is working so well for me. I had become an unofficial counsellor for a few of my friends. They just want to meet and talk about their problems, which is fine as I care about them, but not much fun. I've also been used by a couple of friends as I'm pretty useful, but they've taken advantage. I really needed to have some fun, so after thinking about it FOR OVER A YEAR, I started my own group. The beauty of Meet-up is you can set your own criteria (mine is 45+ women only) you could stipulate child free for example, and I can guarantee there will be people out there who would jump at a group like that. We just meet for specific events, there are no expectations outside of the event. Have a think about it OP.

camilleeloise I really feel for you and think there have been some horrible people on here.

I’ve been single for quite a while, tried OLD and hate it. I have kids and if I didn’t I think I’d be lost even though do have a good social circle and family.
Often they are with their own families, have weekend commitments etc. It’s just not as simple as join a book group and everything will be rosy.
Often being on your own can leave you with a lack of confidence, you’re holding lots of stuff in because there isn’t a partner there at the end of the day to offload on, to just talk about the day and give comfort. That’s what I can find the hardest and other people just don’t get that.
That said I’d much rather be alone than with someone for the sake of it. Therapy has helped me with a lot of my self esteem stuff.

I am so grateful for the kinder posts, it's made the absolute world of difference.

Mid, yes, when my friends did deign to speak to me I was the counsellor, the one who listened and helped and let them offload but then when I needed that they didn't want to know, and that does hurt.

If you PM me where you are, if it's local Id love to come along!

I am five years older than you and single due to divorce.

I also have no family, and all of my 'couple friends' gradually melted away.

To be blunt, all you can do is keep plugging away.

All of my work colleagues are married but I set up a Book Club, and now it is more social and we do other things too.

Like you, i tried loads of classes and activities but you have to keep at it to build relationships beyond a passing hello.

I trained by myself for a park run and then asked on Facebook whether anyone fancied doing it with me, and I developed a little friendship group that way.

Basically, I said yes to everything and I now have a completely different set of friends than when I was married - lots of people single through divorce or bereavement, and some married but not averse to a social life.

My sister just married someone she met through the WI. She was the youngest there by about 20 years but was introduced to a nephew.

You have to remain open and hopeful and optimistic because a defeatist attitude is a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not being glib. In the past I had a period of depression that floored me, but you've really only got two choices.

It seems to me that the OP is doing what she can to live her life rather than sitting at home moaning about things. I know people are trying to help but I can see how the 'do this, do that' advice is grating.

Life goes in cycles OP. It won't always be like this, things will change for your coupled up friends too - you never know what's around the corner. There is always hope. I won't give you any advice because I could easily be in your position - I'm the same age as you - and it's just chance that I'm not. People who have children and partners can be lonely too, just in different ways.