I just don't know what to do. I hate my life, yet I can't seem to change it.

[camilleeloise]

I am single, chronically single, never really been in a relationship single. I am not honestly sure how it happened, as everything I could offer as a possible explanation equally could apply to many other people too all of whom have had relationships. But I didn't.

For ages I thought it would happen one day, I was just a late starter or that when I did, finally meet someone that would be it, but it hasn't happened.

And to be honest, I feel like it's ruined my life, although I'm only now able to say that looking back.

The friends I made have naturally settled down with their own partners and families. They have no time for me and we have very little in common. Therefore, my social life has whittled down to nothing. I go nowhere and I see no one, so how can I meet anybody? I can't, obviously!

I'm so, so lonely and the idea that this is the rest of my life is sickening. But how can it not be?

Would you consider having children the 'not so traditional way'?
Adoption say?

If you'd love to have children and looking for purpose in life and having a family it could be an option for you.
I have a single friend in her early 40's who has adopted.

I was on my own because partner worked long hours, or away. I joined a choir. Two actually, because I like singing, they go to the pub afterwards, we chat. About our lives, about the songs, about concerts. I've made friends of all ages, but it took time. I also joined an art class because I like drawing, over the months you get to know the others in the class, we have coffee, it's nice. A friend of mine goes to am dram, she was lonely it gave her something to do, met her boyfriend there. Eventually. Another friend goes to amateur opera, week-long holiday workshops in lovely places. I'd hate it, he loves it.
You don't have to do any of these things, but I'm really worried about the way you view life. There are things you can do but nothing will change unless you change them. Start by seeing a counselor, or getting support for depression.

Now I love a podcast, I find them really good st distractingly chattering mind if I’m anxious or lonely and would recommend
The Baggage Reclaim.
Some of it is about relationships but a lot is self esteem, breaking patterns etc.
I’ve just started episode 147 which ironically is “On Fear of Bring Alone”. Might be worth a listen? I like it because it makes me realise I’m not alone in how I feel sometimes.

Loneliness is just awful. It is a terrible feeling like none other.

Personally I think this goes beyond joining online dating sites and meet-up groups.

I think it can really help to understand our own role in relationships - or lack thereof. You mention a couple of times that you feel you have nothing to offer. That is a very difficult feeling to carry around inside and I wonder what that is about.

Have you done therapy OP? Good therapy can be incredibly supportive and a chance to work out your role in a relationship in real-time, so to speak, with the therapist. It can open up a lot of insights into why your current situation may have developed in this way. And that’s really empowering, because then it’s less to do with bad luck and you can change the patterns that may have contributed to your current situation.

Please know that I don’t mean to imply in any way that this is your fault. But we all carry with us the “unknown unknowns” that influence our path in life without our even being aware of it and therapy is the way to find a different path.

Have you just assumed that your old friends aren’t interested because they have families?

I know that I craved adult conversation when my kids were younger. Do you make a point of keeping in touch?

Totally agree with Jillyhilly

I was very much the same (though admittedly quite a lot younger) a few years back, and I made myself get a hobby. I joined a music group (won't say what, as it could be outing) and I've met SO many people there.

It gets me out of the house twice a week, AND both my best friend and my partner are from the group. I live with him now, so it's no exaggeration to say that it changed my life. It's incredibly hard to take that step, but there is a life out there to be had, for sure :).

Not nice to read some of the unkind replies on here.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really tough. I know you say you hate walking but I find just getting outside helps with my mood, especially at this time of year - something about nature being a bit of a leveller maybe.

Find somewhere with nice autumn colours and just sit for a while to clear your head when it's all feeling a bit overwhelming?

Long-term, think it's worth exploring ways you could become a parent if that's what you want? I knew a poster on here way back who had two children on her own via a sperm donor.

And you don't sound defeatist, you just sound like you are struggling at the moment and you sound lovely. You've been nice even when some posters haven't deserved it!

Lastly, and I know it sounds trite, but small incidents can lead to big changes in life and you never know when they're around the corner. You won't feel like this forever and you deserve kindness - so make sure you start with being kind to yourself

Hobbies only work as a way of meeting people if you genuinely love your hobby (whatever it is) , it’s not a magic formula to make friends.

If you feel very lonely and sad and have nobody to talk to, the Samaritans are great at listening (and wont chirpily tell you you just need a hobby )

Life can be difficult, and loneliness is a huge problem for many people.

Just don’t make yourself feel bad by believing everyone else has got their life sorted. A quick read of the relationship board, or MIL threads can be a reminder of that.

Be kind to yourself

That's a really good post Jillyhilly

But neither am i a black cloud who whines and moans about her situation, and rejects all offers of help. I think i am starting to see why you have few friends, to be perfectly honest.

That has to be one of the most cruel and nasty posts I've seen on here.

Agree @HollowTalk. Really unpleasant to read.

.

I'm in Worcestershire OP, if that's local to you I would love to have you join the group. Although the group is advertised as 45+, we do have a couple of 30 somethings who are happy to mix with us oldies!

You know what OP there has been some great advice in here, but what’s come across most strongly is how you feel. No amount of practical advice is going to tackle that.

I’m divorced, no children, 2 cats, great career, some good friends and family but feel just like you. No end of good advice is going to change that.

When I was married there was hardly a weekend that wasn’t busy doing something or going somewhere etc. Now, the dynamic has changed. I’m struggling with the same thoughts as you. Like you it’s not as easy as people think.

People bond more quickly when they go through an experience together. Hence why most people make new friends easily at certain stages of life like starting university or becoming a parent. It seems to get harder as you get older.

My advice for meeting new people is to throw yourself into experiences with people, especially anything that puts you out of your comfort zone. For example volunteering for something which requires some group training and new skills or volunteer holidays, which is actually how I met my husband.

It might seem like a risk using annual leave in that way but it is worth a try. There's loads of stuff, home and abroad. Working on a group project is rewarding in itself and might lift your spirits.Try not to worry too much about how much you'll enjoy it. If it's something new and different - go for it. At the very least it's something to talk about.

When you're single friendships are just as important. There are people in your situation and it takes one new positive friendship to change your outlook and your life.

Things will only change if you stop with the "yes, but".

You said, "I have so little to offer the conversation dries up." I think that's a big part of the problem, you believe you have so little to offer, that will come across to people. Have you low self esteem OP?

I know you feel lonely and you don't want to be alone forever and to be honest, you probably won't be but I think you need to make yourself and your life as full and as happy as possible and not rely on the chance a man may come along and make you happy.

You need to make yourself happy so therefore, if you meet a man that is just a nice plus in your life but you don't NEED one to make you happy or your life complete.

It may never happen, you may be alone forever (unlikely), but if that's the case, why not try and make yourself as happy as possible?

If you have a negative attitude, which I'm sorry, it sounds like you do, this also shines through to others.

@bezalelle that’s helpful

Hi, OP, I’m noticing you say you have no family. Is that circumstance or estrangement? It’s sometimes useful looking at our

Bugger! Posted too soon. It’s useful to think about what your earliest relationships taught you about relationships. You say you become the ‘counsellor’ in groups and I wonder where you learned that role? It can be a way of deflecting attention away from you. It was always my role in groups. It’s striking that you feel you ‘dry up’ talking to others and that could be for lots of reasons, but not because you are not in yourself worth knowing. You sound lovely, interesting and sensitive, but something keeps you feeling set apart from people. As a few PP have said, therapy can be helpful in exploring these things, and maybe before trying to meet someone. Have you had previous relationships? Was there any pattern, if so? And what did you learn about relationships growing up?

Some of the replies on here are so nasty. I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. A lot of what you say really resonates with me and long periods of my life in the past (and perhaps to come). I've never stuck to a hobby (despite spending years throwing time and money at various things) and my circle of friends changes all the time. Generally work friends and if someone leaves find it hard to stay in touch without that common ground. I'm close to my sister and I can honestly say I sort of live through her a bit - she has several long term friends and I'm much more comfortable attending things she arranges. I'm always just the sister though and nothing gets arranged privately with me. Not everyone has this amazing circle of friends and loads of hobbies on the go and a huge number of the people you see in relationships will be struggling too. I'm not saying this because I think it will make you feel better but just so you feel less alone. I really do hope that you start to feel better.

If you were up north id come horse riding with you.

No advice OP, but i can relate to what you are saying. I was single for a long time when all my friends were coupled up. Feeling like I was no-one’s priority was the thing that I found hardest and having a nice hobby was never going to make up for that. It was a really tough part of my life and I never thought it would ever change but it did and can for you too.

I'm the same sort of age as you and have a couple of lovely friends (slightly older than you) who have never found themselves in a relationship and it baffles me! I just can't understand why this happens. I think so much is down to luck.
I think you badly need a confidence boost and when you're feeling at rock bottom it can all feel impossible.

Have you considered Relate counselling? It's relationship counselling for couples or single people. I just wonder if they as professionals might be able to guide you/ help you in a way that would be better? I used a Relate counsellor years ago and it was the best money I ever spent.

Good luck.